I'd like to hear from people who find the positive in caring for a parent or loved one.

I have been my moms, dads, both 92 for approx. two years.my husbands for about seven years now. I see nothing but the plus in caregiving for all of them. what makes it easy for me is the love I have for them and the love I get back in return. both parents, 92, one dementia one alztimers, incontinence, bedridden, heart issues etc. have some bad days but I refuse to dwell on them. I love the stories and closeness I have when they are in their 'normal minds" which isn't much anymore. but even when they are in "lala land" the stories that come out of their mouths make me laugh all day. I get to enjoy them no matter what. hubby tries to chip in as much as possible. cant do very much but I am great full for the little bit he can do. I have four sisters who have been missing in action for a decade or more. they claim they have their own lives, well so do I and my parents have been and always will be part of my it... I make sure I enjoy each and every day of whatever time I have left with all of them. do I cry and get down sometimes , I sure do but its not because of what I am doing its because I know I can lose it at any time. I actually moved in with my parents as I didn't want to get them all balled up with the dementia by moving them around and my husbands lives in our home and he comes over every day and some nights. for us it works as we both get to be together with each other and with my parents.
a day doesn't go by that I don't enjoy spending as much time with all of them as I can. see I look at it as each day is a special present and I cant wait to open it and enjoy it for the day, as I don't know how much longer I will have that present. my parents brought me into this world, loved me endlessly and now its my please to love and help them out to their end of life.
Regrets not me.......have to much love for them all to regret anything..........

I take care of my mom with stage 7 Alzheimer's. Today is her 81st birthday! It is a pleasure to care for her! She sang along each time we sing Happy birthday to her. I choose to do this because I love my mom and feel she gets better care here than she could get anywhere else. She has the money to be private pay in a top facility, but I still feel her care here is better.

We have had many precious moments over the years since her diagnosis in 2009. My grandchildren have had many priceless times loving and serving their great grandmother.

I would rather take care of my mom, I want to spend every moment of her before she dies.

I think it brings out the best I've ever been. Except for being a mom whose baby got kicked out of the nursery at 4 hours old for being "the fussy one ". I worked in psych wards. That helps. I have whatever it takes to deal with it. Bottom line. My mom didn't chose this. Neither did I. But I'm here. Doing all I can, to make her life the best it can be

Dear Roger,

Thank you for starting this thread. There are always two sides. And since my dad passed I think I forgot about the good side. My dad always trusted me to help him. I think his belief in me, made me more independent and action oriented and capable person. I did not come from a demonstrative family, but I hope with my actions I showed my dad I truly cared. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted him to have his favorite coffee and foods. I wanted him to be comfortable. I wanted him to have his own way. I am grateful for having a good daddy. Grateful I saw him as much as I did because now more than ever, I still wish he was here.

Seeing my Mom smile and saying I love you. Watching her Do the "sit and stare" out the window for 15 min. But suddenly telling me about some old memory with her grandma. Sometimes after hearing the same stories a 1000 times, viola! I learn a whole new story about her past. These are the nice things. Once a few years ago my sister was visiting and we took mom out to drive around. We were in our big park that is surrounded by water in our little town. Our Mama popped out "right around here by the little waterfall is where your Daddy proposed to me". Yep, she remembered the car, clothes,everything. Those moments you get before they are gone are priceless. My MIL came to our farm from the rest home. She was only here about 1 month and then we had hospice. It was wild and crazy hard but now a year later my husband and I are so glad we did that. We all do the best we can and we are the ones who will end up with the peaceful hearts when it's over. Caregiving is love.

I should have added that this is not pleasant to me. It's very hard, and draining. What the good side is in my opinion, is that I'm helping my mother and providing a life for her that she enjoys. It's teaching me that I'm cabable of being as unselfish as I ever have been. It's like finals week in college. You get through it and you are stronger for it. I think we as care givers need to find positives in our situations.

this is by far the most touching and loving question that I have read on this site so far. I try to give my input in all of the questions good and bad but this one has touched me deeply. the love the memories the stories the good and bad is all worth it to help someone especially a loved one move forward in a totally different direction in life knowing they are not alone. I care for mom dad and husband and wouldn't give not one of them up . im in it till the end and loving every minute of it. thank you for this question, it opened my heart even more than it was already.....

Thank you to everybody who has posted. It isn't easy being a caregiver, but it does have its good points.

I figure there's so much negativity that it's even more important to think about the good things.

As for me, we have been trying to write down as much as we can remember into a journal before it's forgotten completely because there's too much already forgotten and I'm recording current things like the holidays or even just little events.

I truly hope others post good things too because there's so much good even in the little things that happen each day.

For anyone who is ready this, try to find the good, not only in caregiving but in everything. Life is way too short.

Thank you Roger! Caregiving can be so frustrating, but hearing my Mom laugh at a private joke between us and having her tell me that she loves me, is all I really need now.

Roger. You are so right. Life is so short. We got to find positives , to maintain our own sanity.

I think about the circle of life. When I was born, I'm told it wasn't easy taking care of me, yet I know my parents did it with no feelings of resentment, no feelings of hardship, and no feelings of resentment. I know my parents, especially my mom, changed my dirty diapers, cleaned up my vomit when I had the flu, took me to the doctor when I was sick, and got up to change the sheets in the middle of the night when I wet the bed. Most importantly, my parents were my first point of contact when I sad, mad, confused and excited, happy, proud. They took care of me when I was too little to do it for myself or too young to understand what to do. And I will absolutely return that gift of the end of life to my parents when they no longer can do it for themselves or grow too old to understand what to do. It is the circle of life.

I loved helping to care for my MIL. She was a grateful person, who never complained. I learned so much from her even before she fell ill. And helping her when she got sick brought us closer. I wish she were still with us. And I would do it all again for her.

Even though caring for my mom 24x7 for years caused me extreme mental distress the blessings that came of it were downright Amazing. We grew so close we were as 1 after years of estrangement. Our neighbors all fell in love with seeing us every day , they were all blessed with seeing the relationship, even though they knew what was coming.. They would join us in a puzzle and talk of their parents... one couple would join for coloring where the husband had alz. Mom has been in a memorycare for 2yr(?) now and they all still talk about it. Believe me it was SO HARD but I am sad it became a safety issue- I was truly blessed by it.

I have been a caregiver many times over and most of my experiences have been hugely positive. It gives you a chance to be with someone in a very intimate way, when they are at their most open and undefended. I cared for two friends, one lover, and two sisters before my current stint of caring for my mother. Although most were stressful at times, the current one is the only one that I'd say was overwhelmingly negative. I think that's because the others were shorter in duration and were voluntary, not obligatory. And they mostly consisted of actually physically taking care of an ill person, not doing household tasks or errands. The sense of deep connection made it worth all the stress and inconvenience, but without that, it's not. Not for me, anyway.

Great thread!

Absolutely I would do it again. I'm a better person for it. I'll be a better spouse/partner, career person, friend, etc because of my caregiving experience. I wasn't a bad person before caregiving, I'm just more well-rounded and I have no fear to go after what I what in this lifetime because I've been through so - so much with both parents. I'm thankful I have the opportunity to have cared for my now deceased father and now my mother.

I think a lot of people would care for their parents but they're not in a position to do so.

I've learned that I have more patience and understanding and resourcefulness than I ever thought.

I took on the primary caregiver role 2 years ago. I never spent much time with my mother-in-law - no issues, just more of a matter than I'm my spouse's third wife, we live in Ohio and she's in California, and I usually stayed behind when my spouse visited (we have a lot of animals). Well, my spouse is a professor, and cannot go out except for school breaks, and her brother is in his 80s and made it clear by directly saying he wouldn't be her "nursemaid". So when she had a major GI bleed event two years ago, I stepped in because no one else could (my job allows me to work remotely so far, thank goodness).

I fly in at least monthly, if not more. I've learned a lot about my mother-in-law and her life. Her likes, dislikes, foibles, flaws and positive attributes, and she has learned the same about me. On top of her health problems (for which she is now on at-home hospice), she's now officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Because I had spent a lot of time with her for the previous 18 months, I've been able to make changes, transitions and the like with her cooperation. That could have never happened without that health event 2 years ago and stepping in for my husband, and becoming friends with my mother-in-law. So, I'm grateful there is a relationship at this time, rather than just a polite exchange of pleasantries occasionally.

There are some negatives, of course, but there's not much use in dwelling on it for my own mental health and because it doesn't make her situation better. Overall, I'm thankful that I gained a positive family relationship out of the experience, and in turn, I have her trust that all that I do is because I want her to be safe and happy for as many days as she may have left on this earth.

I have had and posted plenty of negative, but there is a good side. I loved taking care of mom and dad's daily needs like shopping and doctor visits. I never dreaded or resented that. When I could help with yard work or house work I was glad to do it. I also didn't mind the paperwork, or phone calls as needed but it wasn't my favorite. I loved opening my dad's checkbook one day to see he had drawn a little heart next to my name in the register where he had written me a check for his groceries. I loved taking mom to family events in order to spare dad from long days and drives. I loved when mom would allow me to pump her up with hope that we would keep looking for a doctor to best help her with her illness, and then she would go to appointments more willingly. I love that mom and I spent so much time together with each doctor visit. We would make a day of it, just mother and daughter out for the day.

Great request. With as stressful as caregiving can be, if we can focus on the positives it does make the days a little easier. My sister lives with my parents (88/89) to help keep them in their condo. On the days she works, I am the caregiver. I have also been handling all their finances/paperwork/doctor visits for the last few years. There are days that we laugh, days that we cry and definitely days of exhaustion and frustration. With this said, I will always believe I am blessed to be able to care for them in these years. Oh the stories we will tell (insert smiley face here!).

My mom is in end stages of Alzheimer's to the point I have to manage her bowels. If she does not go in 3 days she gets impacted and it's a living nightmare. She is also dead weight if she falls (which is not uncommon with end stage Alzheimer's; for that reason I spend $600 on a Hoyer lift). She likes to sit and stare at the television all day so getting her up to brush her teeth and even get her diaper changed she can resist so I spent $800 on a lift chair when she is too stubborn to get up.  Also every morning the first thing I look is if she is in bed or fallen.  So everyday I'm in a considerable amount of stress.   I have a bathing schedule because she cannot do it herself.  I also try my best to take her for daily walks with her walker.  Despite the difficulties my mom is very precious to me, because I know when she dies I will never see her again. She means EVERYTHING to me. 

My mother used to tell me that our reward for caregiving will come in heaven (something to that effect).

I've been a caregiver for my 96 yr old DH for the 2.5 years since his new heart valve. His moments of clarity and lucidity are well worth the extra effort in taking care of him. We've been together 32 years and married 31 years and had our positions been reversed, I know he would have done whatever he could for me. That alone makes it easier. I intend to keep him home with me - but I am retired and only 65 so it's easier on me than it would be had we been the same age, or if I was still working. To see the love in his eyes and he is constantly thanking me for everything. His son said, "when he needs to go to a NH...." and I said, I believe I can keep him home with me and not use a NH. My main focus is to keep him calm and ambulatory.

I also assisted my father for the 7.5 years from my mother's passing until he passed 6 years ago. In that 7.5 years, I got to know my father and he got to know his girls much better than when we were growing up. I learned so much, being a father isn't easy and he was raised without one so he had no experiences to go on in raising us. I was always telling him that he wasn't a burden - and he wasn't. He just needed help and I was the one with the time to be able to attend to him. I learned so much in that 7.5 years! It was wonderful. He was 88 when he decided to go off dialysis and his end came quickly after that. I stopped all his meds other than pain and memory and in 5 days he went to be with my mother.

I am sorry for the mistakes I made - I know I made many - but so thankful that I always apologized if I yelled. I almost made the same mistake parents make too often - - I had to let him do things on his own and do them his own way. We both learned from each other this way. It was nice. I remember telling him, "do it your way Pop. If it doesn't work, together we will find another way." We had no problems after that.

Thank you for this post. I too get tired of reading all the negativity. People complaining about the "me me me" and they are doing the same thing they're complaining about. It's a blessing to be able to give. Did you know there is a difference in Caregiving and Caretaking? The ones who complain are 'caretakers' and not doing it freely. Google it - I'm blessed to be a Caregiver and hope my DH has a few more years in him.  I should mention, I am doing 24/7 and by myself.  DH's 3 kids all live several states away and we rarely see or hear from 2 of them, the oldest calls every saturday and comes to visit twice a year - for a couple of days.  My sisters and DH's siblings all have their own problems but one does help me with some of my shopping.  Other than that, it is just DH & me 24/7 but it's ok, I am doing this willingly and thankful for every day we still have together.

Ive been taking care of my 93 yr old dad for over 6 yrs. The first 4 yrs were hell, due to him being on so many medications that he was sick all the time, overly needy, demanding and very selfish. But now finally after getting him healthy and off all of his meds, that were causing his health problems, we have turned a new leaf. His brain is clear now and he feels great.
He needed a hobby to energize his mind, so thankfully he took up woodworking. We now have a father/daughter art studio and together we build all types of crates, pet beds, seed boxes etc, with an artistic edge.
next year I'm moving him out to the lake, so that we can build a proper wood shop and he can go fishing whenever he feels like it.
It wasn't easy, but it's been totally worth seeing my dad come alive again. No regrets😊

What a breathe of fresh air to see all the positive comments. I too took care of my Mother when she was diagnosed with cancer at 58 years old. Age didn't matter. I was still her caregiver and the time that I spent with her gave her and I the opportunity to laugh, cry, and show the love that we had for each other. The time was a precious gift for the both of us, and To this day, I can look back and remember those challenging times with fond memories that made her passing just a little easier. I am not out to judge what others do or the decisions they make. I just want everyone to know that there is another side of caregivers that gets lost in the day to day battle. I became a Hospice SW after my Mother's passing, and was given the gift over and over again of sharing the special moments in someone's life. I also look at this as a perfect learning opportunity for my grown children and my grandchildren. They see first hand the respect, love, compassion, patience, and time that I now give to my 94 year old MIL. Life is short, and at times filled with regrets and resentments. I had the opportunity to mend old wounds and to better understand my Mother's choices in life, and to understand the woman that she was. I am blessed to now have this opportunity with my MIL. When I leave her house after a visit, she tells me that she loves me, tells me that I am the daughter that she never had, and tells me that it was a good visit. I will take these precious memories with me long after she is gone.

When Alzheimer's stole my dad's short-term memory, and started erasing his life, there were still things he enjoyed. We'd sit side by side while he worked puzzles on his iPad (yes, at 88 he embraced new technology!) and he was always delighted by the completed picture... even if it was a puzzle he'd done many times before. He was full of gratitude for his life, for the memories he still had, and for everything I and my sibling did for him. The disease never robbed him of his kindness or his positive outlook. Heart failure ended his life, but I was left with the beautiful gift of having had time with him. I learned so much from him, and he never realized he was teaching me. He was just being himself.

You asking this question....it's like a breath of fresh air! Thank you for whisping the wind with love and reality! I care for my Mom and Dad, 85 and 80, along with 2 sisters to also help. Seeing my Dad strike up a conversation and smile too, makes for a great day for both of us. It pleases me to see him happy, as it's been quite a rough past year. My Mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. She tells me frequently that she loves me and really appreciates me helping them.....that is pleasure in itself, for me. They raised 9 of us children and worked very hard for everything they have. My brother asked her last week, what is your best memory in the past...."when you kids were little, it made me happy!" I love my parents and I will gladly care for them til the end.

It's a choice and I own mine. I've been on here for about a month now and I must say,
I remind myself that I would want someone just like me to tend to me when it's my time. I also pray that God keeps me healthy as well (wink). It has a lot to do with one's frame of mind prior to becoming a caregiver.

I haven't read the other comments in this stream, but I'll bet many of them KNOW and communicate the ABSOLUTE BLESSING of having a parent who has lived to old age! My mother is now 92 years old, and despite a number of physical challenges, remains vital and engaged. Still, because I live around the corner from her (literally), I am at her house every single day, and I empty her commode, prepare her meals, take out her trash, clean the house, etc., etc. I AM SO SADDENED WHEN I HEAR PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT CARING FOR AN ELDERLY PARENT. Is it always easy? OF COURSE NOT!! Do I ALWAYS feel like going over every day and being exposed to her second-hand smoke? No, I don't! But I wouldn't trade the experience of being with my mom for all these years, and I KNOW a blessing when I see one! My mother is unlike many of the elderly, in that she is very engaged on her computer, handles her finances using Quicken, has her own Facebook page to keep in touch with family afar, sends me and other family members interesting articles from her home page, the New York Times, etc., etc., etc!!! Still, it's not always a bed of roses. But I'm thrilled that she's still with me, and when she is gone, there will be a massive void in my life. I'm happy to do any and everything I can for her while she is still with me! OK, that's enough......she has a doctor appointment in about an hour, so I have to go over and drive her there. Thank you for the opportunity, Lord!!

Although I had a lot of help, I'm so glad that I was devoted to my Mom the last 4 years of her life. I learned that although we give up a lot, I don't regret spending all my time with her.

Wow what a great thread!
Since I have been taking care of my Daddy I have found more time for him. We watch TV together... not my favorite shows but who cares he enjoys them and he laughs and tells me "this is a great one" or "he's gonna get the girl watch..." or "this guys gonna die right here" I just laugh and say "you were right"
I take him everywhere. I make sure he goes to the bank. He cannot drive but I am not taking the bank activity away from him. We have made trips out to see his great-grandson which he thought he would never be able to do... due to his incontinence but we practice and discuss it before we go. Then I took him to one of his favorite museums and we spent five hours there. He cannot walk very far maybe about 50 to 100 feet then he must rest so I rented (now I have purchased) a rollator. I did not think he would use it but he LOVED it! I also try to make the doctor visits special... Ice cream or lunch at a special restaurant after we do the appointment!
Everyday it is his job to get the mail. Yes I do not want him to fall going to the mail box but I take that chance... He enjoys it and I make myself stay in the house as he gets his cane and walks the 25 feet out to the mail box. Then he gets to sort it... our favorite game is "Resident" we joke with each other who is the "Resident" ... who gets to open that one!!!
Everyday we talk about something -- yes I may hear the same stories over again but he enjoys telling them. It brings back the "good ol' days". He loved his job when he worked. He loved his wife (my Mama) so much! We discuss the fun times that we had and he loves his family and they love him. He tells me everyday "Thank you for taking care of him" He says, "I know its hard work taking care of me". He took care of me and my siblings for years now I get to take care of him.
As far as the food he can/wants to eat or the things he can/wants to do I am not going to fight about every little thing. Only the big battles like bathing, or driving will I battle but if my 81 year old Daddy who is diabetic wants a donut... well he's gonna get it!
Thank you again for this thread loved reading how much love is out there!

This is a sweet post and it was kind of you to begin it.

I was blessed to be an integral part of daddy's EOL care. I wouldn't trade those quiet days sitting by his bedside watching Nat'l Geographic for hours on end for anything. It was with such love that I care for him during Hospice, and to be sitting and holding his hand as he passed away. I KNOW I will be with him again, someday. He will be free of his sick body and I will be happy to be with my sweet, sweet dad.

I only had 2 people in my life who loved me without condition: Daddy and his mother, for whom I am named. I think I am luckier than most, to have had that love sustaining me all through my own life.