Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.

You do not want to care for mom either. You are not doing well around this particular sick person. Your mother needs care, and not from you. Sure she needs a home, but not yours. You have heart issues too. It's time for the brothers to do some spade work.

My suggestion would be to get in your car and drive. Tell your own family what you are doing. Let your husband and children front the brothers, say Mom can't do it any more, she's just walked out, we're worried about her, what are you going to organise?

Stay somewhere nice and out of touch. Let the others sort this out, you can't manage to do it because of your character doesn't let you stand up for yourself. I can't remember if you are religious, but even if you are not, a full on Retreat would be a seriously good idea. Just get out of this mess and let the others manage the situation.

First you need a break and if that means walking out of the house and going to a park then meeting your husband for dinner out, do it! Either leave mom alone, call your brothers and tell them she will be alone because you need out right now or call someone else you need at least a short break just to collect yourself and start to think about what to do next.

Beyond that your mom has opened the door and you need the support, it's time to share the details of mom's day to day and health issues with your brothers. She is sharing so should you and they need to step up and help in whatever ways they can even if it's just to let you vent. Maybe that's what they think they are doing for mom and think it's helping you but since you guys don't talk about it and share your thought's/intentions they don't realize just how it's coming across to you. I know my brother and I "blame" little things on each other to diffuse my mom sometimes, for instance my brother will say I forgot to tell him about an appointment and that's why she was only told 2 hrs before they need to leave or my mom is complaining about reminders set up on the Echo and he says I'm the only one that knows how to change that or she complains to me about the lights going on and off and I say he is the one who knows how to change that...but we let each other know when have done that or even warn each other ahead of time. It's our little game sometimes but it helps, we take the weight off of each other. Your brothers could be doing some of this for you taking on some of mom's wrath, giving you breaks by coming over to visit with her while you get out of the house or go on vacation. They could back you up and say to mom they feel you need a break and help should come in or if it's better that they feel it's time for a different living situation.

When setting boundaries maybe instead of laying down the law with her or getting into an argument you wont win and will just come away feeling more frustrated from you should just draw your line with action and your own thoughts. I'm not sure what the areas are but for instance if she demands you feed her something different than what you made for dinner simply tell her there are leftovers or sandwich makings, help yourself and when she huffs and puffs that you wont feed her simply exchange a knowing look with your husband, smile to yourself and go into the next room to laugh if you have to but find the humor in her ridiculousness. Find the satisfaction in not letting her manipulate you or make you jump through hoops but no need to explain what your doing and why to her just make your own determination as to whether or not her request is reasonable, an actual need and something you feel like doing and go from there. She may even learn it's pointless to demand things or ask for certain things and find a way to treat you better in which case you may find you are happier to do more for her but all you actually need to do is provide her with the basic needs, her choice as to whether or not she takes them and keep her safe to the best of your ability. You can't remold her and you can't keep expecting things from her, it sounds like she is unable to be the person you want her to be and I;m not sure if that has always been the case or it's a new symptom of her disease (or both) but only you can stop it from having such an effect on your life by taking away the power of her words and actions.

It sure sounds like time to consider other living arrangements for mom too and I encourage you to included brothers on this as well as Mom if she will participate and doctors, anyone else you need to, don't hide your research from your brothers but do start doing it and come up with her options. Then give her the option to be part of the choice but if she wont that;s her choice, same foes for your brothers but you keep moving forward with what you feel is best then if she wont participate. You can't care for your mom if you aren't taking care of yourse

I do forget to breathe. Then I gasp for air. That was embarrassing to hear from my therapist. How do we forget to simply breathe?

I guess it is both fear and obligation. I promised daddy that I would care for mom. But you know what? She didn’t spend as many hours with daddy as I have with her. Because she didn’t drive. I did and I bought her home from the hospital. I wanted her to rest every night. He was in rehab after his heart surgery and she didn’t spend the night in the nursing home.

Do you know what she said to me at her last ER trip? “Honey, it’s late, don’t drive home. Just spend the night here.”

Let me tell you the nurse was phenomenal and caught the look of exhaustion on my face and came to my rescue. She told mom that I needed to go home and rest and that she had a nurse and aide to look after her.

I could have hugged that nurse! She was terrific! The nurse told me to go eat dinner and sleep. I wasn’t hungry but I slept like a rock!

Yes, good post. Thank you.

You are not a rotten daughter and the only reason you feel that way is due to the fear, obligation and guilt planted in you years ago in order to keep you subservient to your narcissistic mother. It is time to detach from what your mother and brother think and say, and do what is good for you.

Have your mother's needs for care assessed so you know if she needs an NH or AL or whatever, Then apply for medicaid and find a medicaid approved facility. It does not have to be very close to you as it will not be good for you to visit often. Mother lived 5 hrs drive away from me, Her needs were met. So were mine to at least a reasonable extent. She and my sister didn't like all the decisions I made and I got bad mouthed too. That was the story of my life. I did not let it define me. I had to detach from it all.

I posted this before. It might be helpful.

Not My Job
fix or save people
be liked
do it all
please everyone
hold it together

My Job
love people (including yourself)
be authentic
take the next step
speak my truth
breathe

Also “A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself.”
― Shahida Arabi, Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself

Acting out of fear or obligation or guilt is not loving to yourself or to others. Start to love yourself.

That could be. My therapist told me that I still felt like the ‘forgotten’ child.

I tried to explain how I felt to mom about my childhood. She called me a liar. She said everyone was treated the same. I walked off. She will never own it. It doesn’t matter anymore.

I even told her that I understood that she had to give my brother more attention because of his drug situation. She got upset with me for bringing it up so I just shut up and walked off. I had to or I would have lost it. I learned a very long time ago that it was easier to bury my emotions with her. So, I am not sure why I bought it up. I guess I was hoping that we could talk honestly and she would see my side like daddy did before he died.

My dad became a very humble man. He apologized on his own. He even told me that he was sorry that he never told me that he was proud of me. I was kind of shocked because I waited my whole life and never heard it, but a few weeks before he died he told me many beautiful things that I never dreamed he felt.

She no longer has that life alert button. It wasn’t working right so I returned it. She freaks out if she’s by herself. It’s horrible when my husband is out of town for work. Then I really go stir crazy. I know I cannot do this all the time anymore.

I know. I am scared. Please help me think straight. I couldn’t cry, so empty I guess to all of a sudden crying my eyes out. I feel like a rotten daughter because of the things she said to my brothers and to me. It infuriates me that she involved them.

Maybe one day I will be a grandma. That would be nice. My friends who are grandparents look so happy. They have adorable grandkids.

I have medical power of attorney because mom is a fall risk due to Parkinson’s disease. Her doctor told me to become medical power of attorney in case she was knocked unconscious and I needed to speak for her.

The social worker at rehab was supposed to show me POLST paperwork. I’m not sure what that is. She said it was better than what I had. I have DNR and no feeding tubes. She says to be more specific. I thought I covered it all. It gets confusing to me.

But we didn’t get around to that paperwork because the PT woman joined our discussion on mom’s progress and we ran out of time.

Needhelp, my heart goes out to you.

now, from one mother to another, please think about this:

you are running yourself into the ground taking care of your mother. Your own health has taken a huge hit.

Think about your children and everything you miss out on because you are taking care of your mom.

think about all the things you will miss if you die before your mom. Sorry to be blunt but from what you have said in the past, it appears that’s the road you are headed on. You very well could be part of the 49% of caregivers who die first.

think about your daughters. They need their mom. I understand, it’s hard to put your mom on the back burner, to put your needs before hers. That is why I am urging to think about your daughters. Put them before your mom. Think about all the things you would miss out on—gaduation, weddings. What if one of them makes you a grandma? Don’t you want to see your grandchildren and be a big part of their lives?

What about your husband? Your youngest is about to finish college so I am assuming you and your husband are about ready to retire if you haven’t already. You deserve to enjoy these golden years together. Your mom had her golden years right? While she was healthy and able-bodied, no kids in the house, no elderly parents to take care of 24/7. You deserve the same. You are entitled to your own life.

please, something has to give here. It is beyond time to place your mom in a facility. It is ok to say “you know what mom, there are professionals that can take better care of you than I can”. It’s ok. It really is. You have a heart of gold and you have gone above and beyond for your mom, for too long IMHO. It’s ok to throw in the towel and place her somewhere where she has a village to take care of her.

Why can't she be left alone? Has that been determined by a "needs assessment" from the AAA or her doctor?

My dear, one person CANNOT do 24/7 supervision for an elder who no longer has the cognitive skills to understand what they can and cannot do safely.

Mom will fall; you get her to the ER and tell them that she is no longer safe at home.

"I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives."

You are being used and abused by your family of origin. Only you can change that. Does why really matter?

To me what matters more is that you know you are being seriously negatively affected by having her in your home and yet you choose to keep her there to your own great detriment.

I agree that fear, obligation and guilt from childhood on are a large part of this and probably also wanting to get your mother's approval and positive attention that you never got as a child. Some of us were emotionally and abused as children and that includes neglect. We feel if we try harder we will finally get what we need from our mother's and yet reality again and again proves to us that our efforts are futile.

Peace and health come from accepting them as they are, detaching from them, and giving ourselves the care we didn't get as children.

I visited my mother who lived in facilities after she could not live alone only a few times a year - it was all I could do and even then my PTSD kicked in. She blames you for everything - yes. That is her sickness, not reality. It is a reflection of her not of you.

I think you need to do more than vent - you need to make some serious changes.

She can’t be left alone. I have help from Council on Aging every other Friday for four hours. I get out then. Groceries, drugstore, my lab work, etc.

I wish I could volunteer again. I really do. Or work again. Anything!

They say I have a good chance for aid and assistance so I will use that money for AL if enough. If not, a few more hours of help at home.

I get stir crazy. Awhile back, I was signed up for more jewelry lessons. It was so much fun. I guess we had about 30 of us in class. We made several pieces. I was doing advanced classes so some of the new projects were tedious but I enjoyed it so much. Some of us even went out for lunch afterwards.

I only knew one lady, my friend that invited me but she introduced me to several other women and it was nice being with women my age for a change. No talk about poop or pull ups, peeing, etc. Mom asked me not to go to classes in case she needed me. I should have told her I was going to remain in class. They were Saturday mornings. My husband encouraged me to go.

My doctor made a comment to me the last visit that made me feel bad. She said that I took better care of my mom than I did myself. Then she said I would be sorry because my health would suffer.

Maybe I do have my priorities all screwed up.

This is stupid, but grandma died at 85, daddy died at 85 too and I never dreamed of mom living this long. Of course I didn’t wish her dead but I never imagined she would live this long. Nor did she. She asked me one day, “Why is God keeping me on this earth so long instead of joining your father?” I didn’t know what to say to her.

I know. Looking back I let it continue far too long. I have several people who lived a long time in my family! Mom is almost 94. My cousin is 97. She’s doing great!

I don’t know about mom. Yes, no high BP, no cholesterol issues, no diabetes. I cook healthy. The Parkinson’s is progressing slowly according to her neurologist. She hasn’t had a seizure since 1996.

Okay, what’s left? Cognitive decline? That is a possibility. I’m not a psychiatrist. I don’t feel qualified in judging that. Something could be off. Who knows?

So about the guilt? Am I really misreading this? Maybe I am. I am trying to get more sleep. I went to bed at 10:00. It was a good night. I was able to sleep until 6:00. Still, emotional exhaustion is awful.

She's like this at home because she is allowed to be that way.

What is her level of need? Can you just go out and go to the library each day? Do you have a job?

Your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. If she cares to interact with others, that's her lookout. Why do you feel such an obligation to make her happy?

I can take her but can they convince her that she needs meds?

She got mad. Said she wanted her pretty underwear with the lace elastic. She loves her fancy things. My kids say she is more stylish than me.

Barb,

In rehab I desperately tried to get her to speak to other ladies. She never would. But I know the women in rehab liked her. I couldn’t believe how fast two little old women were rolling down the hall in wheelchairs to make sure they got to tell her goodbye on her last day. She spent three weeks there and according to PT, OT and the social worker she worked hard and everyone loved her. So why is she like this at home?

I think you are right and I don’t want to admit it. When I went to therapy the social worker asked me to describe my childhood in one word. He gave me a minute and asked what the word was.

I told him that I had felt like I was the ‘forgotten’ child. He said that I still felt that way. I guess he’s right.

She has always been a perfectionist! My mom has to have everything accounted for. Quirky, I guess. All her life. My dad was orderly but not crazy about it.

She was very talented. I swear she had the makings of a designer! She would sketch clothes, no pattern and sewing for women when she was a teenager! She said it was wealthy women who would buy her expensive fabric too, to sew for herself.

She crocheted, knitted, embroidered, sewed, you name it she did it. She was such a perfectionist that she was a lousy teacher. I wanted so badly to make pretty things like her. I was never as good. It frustrated her. I gave up. She got upset with me.

I had to take lessons from other people. She was always a quick study. She sold tons at her craft fairs. The Parkinson’s really threw her for a loop! She no longer could do those things. Maybe she feels bored or useless. I don’t know. I think she could be depressed too.

It's normal for people to disagree and normal for people to sometimes say no, what isn't normal is to wrap your whole life around someone elses needs and desires and to feel fear and guilt for putting anything else first. The F.O.G. in your posts is so pervasive I think that it must be the result of lifelong conditioning.

Nhwm "It's one thing after another with mom".

Who is mom's health care proxy?

At some point, less is more. When my mom went into IL, her geriatrics doctor took her off all meds except BP and anxiety. No more running to specialists.

If mom had a complaint, I'd call the geriatrics doc. No more emergencies.

"I'll see about that, mom".

Your mom would be so much happier in a facility where she can grouse with the other ladies about the food.

I am glad your mom handled it well with your grandma. I think my daughters are getting upset with me for keeping mom here. My youngest will be graduating from her university this year. I am not about to miss her graduation. My mom better not come up with crazy nonsense! I’m so proud of her. She’s smart, on Dean’s list. I miss seeing my kids.

So you get her to a geripsych. Is that a problem?

Has she always been this needy and compulsive?

If you say " no mom, you've got other underwear, I'll find them tomorrow. How about a cookie?" How does she react?

Can she be distracted, or is this about control?

The last visit with her doctor I asked about meds. She said because mom is on Parkinson’s meds and seizure meds that I have to take her to a neuropsychiatrist. to make sure there are no drug interactions. Mom probably wouldn’t agree to it but her anxiety is horrible. I think it is crazy to obsess over a hairbrush, underwear, a nail file, etc.

I don’t know what my brothers will do. I guess a home. One brother is working full time. He only has a one bedroom apartment. He doesn’t do well around sick people.

My other brother is retired but has heart issues like my dad did. His wife works shift work and would not want to care for mom.

May be. I know I am starting to question things with her and it’s getting to me. I thought eventually I would get my appetite back. Food doesn’t matter too much anymore. Okay, I haven’t ever had a huge appetite but I ate, at least one or two meals. I force myself to eat a couple of bites but feel like I will throw up with any more than that.

You’re right, of course. I feel like an idiot! I start feeling sorry for mom. It’s a mess. But I am starting to hate this crap more and more. That isn’t good for anyone.