Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.
I set boundaries and the claws come out. I’m tired, very tired. I have to deal with payback from my mother for setting boundaries.
Last night I hear her call my younger brother. Today she calls my older brother, all to trash me! Sickening!
She knows they will take her side and then it’s three against one. I can’t win! She stirs the pot! Doesn’t fight fair.
Involves them in my business that doesn’t concern them. I told her she needs to think about what she did and should feel bad about it and she says, “They are family and I want to speak to them.” Yeah, right! That’s fine but I don’t speak to them about her and she shouldn’t speak to them about me!
They do nothing while I wipe her a**, bathe her from head to toe, change soiled sheets, cook and clean, empty bedside commode, etc. I take her to doctor appointments. I do everything! They get respect and I don’t! I must be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth!
Boundary setting doesn’t work all the time! She has a mean streak when she wants to show it. I sacrifice so much for her and this is how she repays me.
Just need to vent. I think I am losing it. I really do. I can’t have a logical conversation with her anymore. She wants to blame me for everything! I need a break so badly.
This is what scares me. I want her out of my house. I wish she had never moved in. It added an enormous amount of stress in our lives.
If I find a place for her to live I don’t know if I could even visit right now because I am so upset. What the hell is happening to me? I am my mother’s biggest advocate. Why am I feeling this way? I don’t know what to think about her or myself. Too much togetherness for way too long. It just isn’t healthy. I’m so empty that I can’t even cry. Is that bad?
Also, is it bad not to eat? So hard to eat. I get nauseous if I try so why bother, right? I cook for my husband and mom. I get sick to my stomach just smelling the food. Is that normal? I drink coffee and diluted juice, water with a splash of juice. My clothes are baggy. Who cares...Where do I go? My house is a prison. What does it matter if I lose weight and have baggy clothes?
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I want to get in my car and start driving and never look back.
Get yourself in for a checkup and be HONEST with your doc about how you are feeling. I think you may need to get checked in to a hospital to find out what is going on with you physically.
I don't recall either how your mom came to be in your home, but it's quite clear that this is NOT working out. You need to call the local Area Agency on Aging and determine with them what mom's NEEDS are and what her resources are. They can do a needs assessment and tell you if she needs Memory Care, AL or NH.
You and mom, for whatever reason, are like oil and water. It's not working. If you need to evict her, so be it. You need to take care of yourself, because no one else will.
And if you're not around to advocate for mom, who else will step up?
I guess we could all say "well, mom has Parkinson's and maybe there is some dementia mixed in with that; she can't help it" but it sounds as though you've never had the best relationship with her.
To quote my dear, dear SIL, who loved my mom a lot more than ANY of her children, when we realized that Mom had Vascular dementia...."well, I always thought that mom could come live with us when she got old, but not if she's crazy". (This was after mom determined that her aides were all having sex in her bathroom at the rehab place, and that dead bodies were being carted around all the time...SIL is a smart cookie and realized that having someone delusion in her home would be the end of her mental health).
Mom lost her home in Katrina. She moved in then. It was an emotional time. I just wanted to comfort her. Big mistake. I had no idea how moving a parent in would change our lives so much.
I believe you are aware that this is harming you, and you are continuing to allow it to happen. In a very real sense that is self-harming. I hope you will take control eventually, and make the changes that will allow a happier life for, I suspect, all concerned.
I could be missing something if this was a family dynamic for most of your life? The energy you are choosing to waste in this way is robbed from those who need you, and who need your love, and who need you whole.
I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I know there will be tears and tantrums. But that is the way of it. You have others to whom you owe first obligation.
My doctor will blow a rod. She is not happy with me now. My BP is too high. I started doing some heart tests but haven’t finished because mom needed me. She isn’t happy that I can’t eat. I can’t help it. Some people have stronger stomachs than me, I guess. Since the bedside commode I just can’t eat that well.
I like my doctor. She’s very accommodating to me. She knows my situation with mom and had me scheduled for the GYN but said, “I will just do your pap here in my office.” That saved me some time. But she said I am not letting you off the hook for cardio visits. I had no idea that a pap had to be done until 65! I did my mammogram like she wanted me to. But it’s one thing after another with mom.
Please answer this for me. Is wanting someone to feel guilty all the time normal? She told me earlier that I was being mean to her because I told her that I was not going to spend all afternoon looking for a pair of misplaced underwear for her when she has 12 other pairs!
She wants me to feel guilty if I don’t jump when she tells me to. I have had enough.
I swear I can’t relax with her wanting to find nonsense crap for me to do.
She doesn't WANT you to feel guilty; she wants you to DO for her.
It's not the same thing at all.
Guilt is a feeling that arises from doing something wrong. Did you do something wrong? I don't think so.
I think you did something kind and generous. Your mom wants things to be HER way.
Sorry mom. This is my house. I need to take care of me, so my rules are what apply here. If that is not to your liking, I'm sure your other kids would be happy to take you in.
My grandma lived with us when I was a teenager. She tried to control my mom by saying "my, how you've changed! Ever since you married that Eyetalian" (my dad)".
Let me tell you; that didn't fly with my mom. Got to see my parents stand up for themselves and their marriage. Grandma still grumbled, but she didn't try to Fear Obligation and Guilt so much.
You need to get your mom to a geriatric psych for meds for her ongoing mental issues, just as a side bar.
My other brother is retired but has heart issues like my dad did. His wife works shift work and would not want to care for mom.
If you say " no mom, you've got other underwear, I'll find them tomorrow. How about a cookie?" How does she react?
Can she be distracted, or is this about control?
Who is mom's health care proxy?
At some point, less is more. When my mom went into IL, her geriatrics doctor took her off all meds except BP and anxiety. No more running to specialists.
If mom had a complaint, I'd call the geriatrics doc. No more emergencies.
"I'll see about that, mom".
Your mom would be so much happier in a facility where she can grouse with the other ladies about the food.
She was very talented. I swear she had the makings of a designer! She would sketch clothes, no pattern and sewing for women when she was a teenager! She said it was wealthy women who would buy her expensive fabric too, to sew for herself.
She crocheted, knitted, embroidered, sewed, you name it she did it. She was such a perfectionist that she was a lousy teacher. I wanted so badly to make pretty things like her. I was never as good. It frustrated her. I gave up. She got upset with me.
I had to take lessons from other people. She was always a quick study. She sold tons at her craft fairs. The Parkinson’s really threw her for a loop! She no longer could do those things. Maybe she feels bored or useless. I don’t know. I think she could be depressed too.
I told him that I had felt like I was the ‘forgotten’ child. He said that I still felt that way. I guess he’s right.
In rehab I desperately tried to get her to speak to other ladies. She never would. But I know the women in rehab liked her. I couldn’t believe how fast two little old women were rolling down the hall in wheelchairs to make sure they got to tell her goodbye on her last day. She spent three weeks there and according to PT, OT and the social worker she worked hard and everyone loved her. So why is she like this at home?
What is her level of need? Can you just go out and go to the library each day? Do you have a job?
Your mother's happiness is not your responsibility. If she cares to interact with others, that's her lookout. Why do you feel such an obligation to make her happy?
I don’t know about mom. Yes, no high BP, no cholesterol issues, no diabetes. I cook healthy. The Parkinson’s is progressing slowly according to her neurologist. She hasn’t had a seizure since 1996.
Okay, what’s left? Cognitive decline? That is a possibility. I’m not a psychiatrist. I don’t feel qualified in judging that. Something could be off. Who knows?