Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.

Psychologists and social workers can't prescribe meds, but they often like to suggest people go to MDs to get prescriptions.

Keep plugging away at those forms for Medicaid eligibility. Getting your mother into a facility will be the single best thing you can do for your health.

First, I understand.
But you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself
with that said...
you need to find a group or a counselor or both
for yourself ...
so you have a safe place to vent and to be heard.
Also, start looking for a aid to come your home
or look for a nearby nursing home....
easy said then done
but this needs to be done
something needs to change
only you can change it.
you’ll visit on your terms and hopefully your siblings will also
but that is not your concern
thats their choice.

Tacy,

Okay. I see. I’ll check out more info with CBD oil. Your patient sounds like she was an interesting challenge, huh?

That’s me. You nailed it with all the cooking from scratch, every day! By the time I am done I don’t want to eat. I cook all of my husband’s and mom’s favorite meals for them.

My husband and I used to have dinner out somewhere and it was a welcome change. Something different from my cooking.

Yeah, meat gets to me too. I like soups, salad, hummus and a couple of triscut crackers once in awhile and fruit. Louisiana has great strawberries, blueberries, blackberries and navel oranges. My husband will pick them up at the farmers market for me. I like fruit on top of yogurt. That’s a good meal when I can eat. Weekend mornings my husband does breakfast.

Nothing heavy like some of our New Orleans food because of the nausea that I get from dumping the commode. It makes me gag.

Cherokee,

Mom’s neurology doctor says no dementia either but why does she act so nutty? Unless a UTI like Barb says. She says they make the elderly act goofy. So she will have to get that checked out.

CTT,

I stopped therapy awhile back because mom needed me. He told me that mom was becoming too much of a burden. I wasn’t ready to hear that. I kind of shut down at that time.

He said I deserved to have a life with my husband and children. That lack of socialization was taking a toll on me. He tried to open my mind to a lot of important issues. Know what? He was right. He said I had to start making choices.

Before that, at a GYN appointment that doctor put me on anxiety meds. He could see a change in me. They ask what’s up with the weight loss. Hard to eat though if you aren’t feeling hungry. But primary doctor told me I had to get off of the meds because I could become addicted. I can’t win. I get stressed out. My doctors don’t agree. My therapist was a social worker. Do they prescribe meds? I’m not sure. Or does it have to be a psychiatrist?

I am still filling out paperwork for aid and assistance. It’s taking awhile because mom lost her home in Katrina so I have to get military records from archives. Then it will be fairly close to what I need if she qualifies for AL. AL said they do accept Parkinson’s patients but she needs to be assessed before entering.

Thank you, 1930

I appreciate your kind words. I’m having a hard time processing everything. I feel foolish because I realize I have been in denial or making excuses for mom.

Guestshopadmin,

Do they realize what they say? I’m serious. It boggles my mind to see what people say to their families and caregivers.

I’m sorry about getting so upset. I would rather be on the other side. I don’t like feeling so vulnerable. I want to be in control of my emotions. It’s kind of embarrassing and somewhat frightening to me.

I feel confused. My mom and brothers are making me feel like I am overreacting to everything.

Maybe, it’s the Irish from daddy’s side. Very melancholy lately.

I wonder if mom’s Parkinson’s is taking a new turn. She wasn’t as neurotic about stuff as much as now. Perfectionist? Yes, that’s just her. The underwear thing was just weird. The statue of Mary too, the photos. Why all of a sudden does she have to know where her underwear with the fancy elastic waistband is. I’m sorry that I can’t find them but she has other underwear. She wears poise pads during the day. Pull-ups at night.

Okay, Barb. I can leave a note for UTI. I am leaving to go for a walk when she comes. She is coming shortly. I don’t trust myself speaking to the nurse right now. I am still angry.

When your liver shuts down, you have no appetite. Happened to me once when I had a bad reaction to an antibiotic.

Tacy,

Thank you for understanding about home health. For the most part they are good but the nurse accused me of speaking for mom. I was only trying to correct the info to have accurate information in her iPad. The nurse got upset and mom got upset. I just felt like crawling under the table.

Also, please tell me did your appetite go away? Couldn’t that be stress? You know, the nausea? Queasy feeling? Stress or emptying her bedside commode. I just don’t do well with that kind of stuff.

How can the liver effect an appetite? I don’t understand.

Wait, Tacy...one more thing please. I’m begging for help because I am so upset by yesterday. My daughter takes CBD oil and asked if I wanted to try it. Is this a good idea?

Just read back through this. Now my heart hurts for you. You said “I know I cannot do this all the time anymore” That’s the biggest truth I see. You’ve reached a point beyond emotional burnout, this is affecting your physical health. You promised your dad you’d take care of your mom, clearly you’re beyond being able to do that in home any longer. She needs to live in a place with professional caregivers, and you need to be her advocate there, keeping your promise to care for her in a different and healthy way. Forget what your brothers, mother, or others may think, easier said than done I know, but very necessary. Blessings to you in the days ahead, hoping to read you’ve made changes and are doing much better soon

NHWM; I wonder if your mom might have a UTI? You know how those can mess with Senior's brains!

Leave a note for the nurse telling her about your mom's increased OCD and anxiety. Ask for her to arrange for a mental health assessment for your mom, that you are at the end of your tether!

I woke up an hour ago. I served mom breakfast and coffee as usual. I am not eating. Too upset to think about food for myself. I had coffee.

Had a nightmare last night. It was strange but I just want to forget about it. It didn’t make sense to me, just like my life is in chaos right now. I did sleep because she slept last night so I feel rested.

I told mom that I was going to soak in the tub which I am doing after I finish my second cup of coffee.

I have decided not to speak to her today. I will feed her but I can’t communicate with her today. I can’t face the nonsense again. I don’t want to hear about a hairbrush, nail file, photos, underwear or anything else that she is obsessing over. I don’t know what brought all of this on. I think over the years I kept wanting to give her the benefit of the doubt and that if I satisfied her she would be agreeable with me.

I am not sure if this is wrong but home health is sending the nurse out today. She is wrapping things up.

She is done with PT and OT. Only a couple of nurse visits left but I am not going to stay with her for nurse visit today at 11:00. She will have to wear her hearing aid. I am going for a walk when the nurse comes. I deserve to see the outdoors sometimes.

The last nurse visit she lied and got mad at me for correcting her, so let her lie. A part of me is afraid APS will be called with the way she is acting.

Yesterday she accused me of moving a statue of Mary off of her nightstand. I did not touch it. Watch her tell the nurse that I am meddling with the blessed mother! Who cares? Let her say whatever she wants. Is she that bored that she thinks she needs to make sure I don’t move Mary? Next she will say I took her rosary.

I am thinking of making an appointment to speak to my parish priest. He isn’t just an ordinary priest. He grew up in NY, got his philosophy degree like they all do. Then his theology degree, as usual. They go to school for eight years. Then a psychology degree from Columbia. He purposely chose a college not connected to the seminary for psychology to have a broader education.

I respect him a lot. He moved to Chicago. He was chaplain for a hospital there. Then he moved to New Orleans.

He has even done ‘end of life’ seminars for parishioners. He encourages hospice when needed. He’s too cute. He says nurses are a patient’s best friend and doctors can be cocky. He makes me laugh. He isn’t a fire and brimstone kind of guy.

He is knowledgeable about people who are dying. He even wears his doctor’s coat when he holds seminars. He has a terrific sense of humor.

He isn’t a far right conservative. He is understanding of pain and suffering and sees both sides. He has compassion for caregivers.

His homilies are smart, funny and compassionate. He used to be an Eastern Catholic priest before Roman Catholic so he is more open minded. He has family in NY and Ukraine. Some women in the rosary group at church don’t like him but I love him. They feel he is too liberal. I don’t.

Maybe he could give me some advice on how to deal with my situation. I need to figure this out soon. I am not happy. I am tired of anxiety and depression. I’m concerned about my mental health. I truly felt extremely vulnerable yesterday. I wasn’t in control. I’m embarrassed about carrying on like I did. I was almost hysterical. I can’t continue being afraid, confused, guilt ridden, angry, disappointed, depressed, etc.

Thanks to everyone for listening and later on I will read any responses that were posted after I went to bed. I was exhausted and had to sleep.

Need, read up on narcissistic personality disorder. You will never be good enough. You desperately try and have given so much. A friend of mine likened trying to satisfy a narc as filling up the Grand Canyon with a teaspoon in a tornado. You promised her care. There comes a time when you cannot provide it alone. But don’t be surprised if the offer of moving her triggers either epic meltdown or charm. The folks at my MILs facility thinks she’s so sweet. When she met me she told me I seemed nice but she hoped her son got back together with his soon to be ex-wife because SHE never divorced my husband’s father. And then wondered years later why her boy and his wife(me), weren’t providing help when they moved to our state 65 miles away. She has Parkinson’s too. Narcs will eat you up and spit out your bones. They know how to push our buttons because they installed them. My husband is the one trying to be perfect but had me do the heavy lifting for years. But I never let her move in and I told him I was not a personal care giver. Listen to your doctor. Parenting is pay it forward. Ours cared for us and we cared for our children. You have done your best. Time to let the pros help.

What does your therapist say about your deteriorating mental and physical health? I certainly hope that he/she is helping you with strategies to figure out how to get your mother out of your house. Going over your feelings about childhood is nice, but not what you need right now. Time enough for all of that AFTER your mother is living somewhere else.

Question -- what do you think the chances are of you actually getting your mother out of your house in the next few months? You can do it, but do you have the will to do it? That's what I am wondering.

If the reason she can't be left alone is that she freaks out (not that she does dangerous things) I would go back to volunteering.

It sounds like you could benefit from seeing a psychiatrist who can evaluate your need for an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety. Does your therapist work with such a doc?

You asked, "Is wanting someone to feel guilty all the time normal?"

I know you didn't ask me, but the answer is no!

Well that was an emergency, but now it is time to move on and find a better solution.  I noticed you said that you had promised your father you would take care of your mom.  Now, do you understand that this does not mean hands-on care from you? You can delegate, she can go into AL and you will be keeping your promise to your father.  It is morally wrong to insist on fulfilling a "promise" when it has become destructive and evil.

I hope you get some sleep. First, if you need an anti anxiety med, you need one.

A primary care doctor is not be the best one to manage such a med like a psychiatrist can. Did he know what was going on in your life? How did he reach the conclusion that you didn't need it? If you were not anxious that day, then it was because the medicine was working and not because you didn't need it. That doctor was trying to be your therapist and psychiatrist which in my opinion he flunked at both.

I'm glad that you feel free to vent here, but what you are walking through needs a one on one therapist to help you through it step by step.

"Boundary setting doesn’t work" without concrete consequences for when they are broken. 

Shoot, I had to do this with my mentally ill wife for my sake and the sake of the children.

Golden has said it all!

Thanks. Please don’t wait as long as I have to get out. I am so lost at the moment but I will figure it out. Need to finish paperwork for veterans benefits. Then I will make final decisions.

I am so sorry you are having this problem. Totally unacceptable. Golden explained it all so well. Being used, tormented, etc by mom and brothers is the worst. I went thru several years of stuff with my mom and one brother and his wife/children.
Talking to my brother and mom was a waste of time. I finally moved from Ohio back to Maine to escape. I was fortunate to be able to do that. Not everyone can. You’re not alone in this. Come back here anytime to vent, ask questions. Do what you have to do to protect yourself.

I really am sick of it. I feel bad about admitting it but I am. Plus I don’t want to talk about it with my brothers. They were never super close to me so I am not comfortable discussing any of this now. Let mom talk to them if she wants.

I did holiday dinners for decades. They never once reciprocated or showed gratitude. I ended it. Mom got furious. She said I was the female and it was my job to cook for them! I said no. She still badmouths me for it. Guess what? Never going back to holiday cooking.

I told her that I was never going to host a giant holiday meal again. I would cook and clean for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, BBQ on Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day. I don’t do any of that anymore! Why? For her? No! I started feeling so used, not to mention exhausted. Meanwhile, they sit at my table and talk about the cruise they recently took! Are you kidding me? Mom saying how wonderful for them to enjoy their trip.

You know what? I have done way more than my share! I will find a way out of this funk and anxiety. The next caregiver group is coming up soon. I will make sure I am there. The last meeting was support for a lovely woman whose husband just went into a NH and another woman whose husband was just diagnosed with ALZ. They are a nice group of women. I enjoy hearing them. They are older than me. I learn a lot. I like it. I wish they had people closer to my age too. But oh well...

I am sorry that I am a broken record or that I think I can handle it, then I cycle back into getting upset.

I do thank all of you. I appreciate it. I am a bit embarrassed about not being able to pull it together. I will keep trying. I do think fear or extreme anxiety has a terrible grip on me. I had one doctor give me meds before and another doctor take them away.

I feel like I could use anxiety meds at times. I wasn’t on it a long time before and not everyday but my primary doctor told me I had to get off of them because he felt I didn’t need it and he did not want me to become addicted.

I am tired. Really tired. I’m going to bed.

Hi, I know exactly how you feel.Im beyond burned out ,tired and feel like a robot day in day out.I want my old life back.I so tired and drained.☹️

I understand....my mom also has terrible anxiety and I have been speaking with her about just how bad its gotten She got all pissy with me. Again.....her dr has prescribed meds for anxiety and/or depression in the past She will take one, yes one pill....well that doesnt work im not taking that mess, no matter that i and her dr have told her repeatedly that you have to give it a month or so. Im about to pull out my hair. And she hasnt been diagnosed with dementia, the reason i joined this forum is to learn all i could about it because her last remaining sibling passed away earlier this year from dementia.....boy have my eyes been opened about a lot of conditions not just dementia!!!! But npd etc....
please hang in there and take care of yourself and do what’s necessary to get your life back......please.....Liz

worriedinCali thank you for posting this to NeedsHelp....like you, i have read all her posts and she is beyond burned out. I totally agree with EVERYTHING you said. I sure hope she can place her mom where she will be cared for and she can get her life back. Its just too much !! We all face obstacles each day trying our best to care for our parents and as so many have posted here, sometimes we have to place them where they are taken care of and not be hands on.....for our own health and sanity.....again, thank you!

You’re right. She’s fine with anything I fix or will eat a sandwich. It’s the picky stuff. I don’t understand how a 93 year old can be so vain! Several years ago she wore makeup for her cataract surgery. Her doctor made her wash her face. They look at me like why did I let her leave the house with makeup on. I simply said otherwise we would have been late getting to the appointment because she refused to wash her face.

She wants her fancy underwear or her favorite blouse washed and ready to wear at all times!

re promising your dad - Caring for your mum does not mean 24/7 care by you. I cared for my mother very well by getting her the professional care she needed and intervening when I needed to.

Dear one - you cant successfully explain to your mother any of this. It's like explaining to a rabid dog that his bite is dangerous to you. She is a toxic person and probably has no idea if the effect she is having on you and can't understand it - otherwise she would not behave as she always has. I doubt she will never own it. Mine never did but that does not mean you do not matter. It is not likely you will ever get from your mother what you got from your father. I am so gad you did get that validation from him

I saw you write somewhere that you didn't know what to feel. Your feelings are your feelings and they need to be felt - not always acted on but always acknowledged and they are valuable to you. Pushing down feelings makes us sick.