Okay, I am afraid. I don’t recognize myself. I’m lost. I’m depressed. I’m angry and resentful. I don’t want to be like this.

"I always felt that I had to love family no matter what "

No matter sacrificing your mental, emotional and physical health?

No matter sacrificing your relationships with your children?

No matter sacrificing your relationships with your husband?

No matter sacrificing your actual life?

At what point does sacrificing become insanity and martyrdom?

Love has boundaries! Martial love has boundaries! Parent/child love has boundaries?

Who told you that loving someone meant sacrificing all of the above?


That's not love, that's being someone's slave.

Both you and your mother need for her to be placed somewhere to be cared for by professionals who work in 8 hour not 24 hour shifts! Then you can go back to being a loving daughter with boundaries and not a slave.

Good morning-
I forgot to mention to make sure you actually DO the methods of madness suggested here. Fortunately, there’s a lot of support and various suggestions from people here that will help you formulate a plan of action for your situation.
Also, I strongly suggest that you find acceptance instead of just knowing. What I mean is we can know something forever, nothing changes until we accept it as it is and understand that we cannot change it, but we can fully change ourselves and our handling of it. Acceptance empowers you. Your mom nor your relatives are going to stop crucifying you and you can’t make them stop; but you can put on your Wonder Woman wrist bands and bounce their crap off and away from yourself. I literally have a few times during moms degrading rants have stood there looking directly at her while in my mind I envisioned her words bouncing off of my steel wrist bands-yes, I even included little sparks and ricochet sound effects. I said nothing and went mental WW and when she was done I went about my day unaffected by her misery and verbal trashing. Bounce it off. Refuse to accept the role they’ve had you trapped in for so long. Practice in the mirror. Say it to yourself until you believe it then present it to your perpetrators firmly and stick with it. Knowing and accepting are very different things I have learned- knowing continues to hurt; accepting starts the healing and change.
Now, my friend, put on your wrist bands a MAKE IT A GREAT DAY!
XOXOXO
susan

Try this-
go to YouTube look up
Earth Wind and Fire Let’s Groove Tonight
Phil Wright Choreography
watch the video it is contagious and it will help you to bounce off the crap mom and others will throw. If you have earbuds headphones whatever, put them on play this song the whole song while preparing meals etc for your mom get lost in its positive juju dance around while doing your duties and you WILL feel good and more empowered to refuse mom and others crap! Give it a shot, I did!
xoxoxo
susan

NHWM, No, my FIL did not appreciate everything we did for him, not like he should have. We waited on him hand and foot, and he never said thank you, unless I pointed it out to him, and then he would say that he did say thank you, it was always a fight. Exhausting, he was exhausting to care for with the lack of appreciation, that was the kicker for me, as I came to despise him for it!

He would hold the "inheritance" over my husband's head, telling him that "eventually" all his worldly goods would become my husband's, but no amount of money in the world would ever be enough having to care for someone, if it beats you down and you don't even recognize who you are in the end! BTW, he Way inflated the amount of money that my husband was to inherit, and after he died, my husband found evidence of the many thousands of dollars that he sent to my husband's sister, the one who never did anything but take, take, take! Neither of my husband's 2 siblings ever spent a minute of care on either of my in laws, they were both Giant Takers, which is a whole other story that is Way too long to get into right now! I do everything I can, not to look back upon those years of frustration, it's just not worth it! Btw, my husband has Zero relationships with his siblings, same ole story for many here going through parental Caregiving!

Oh, Stacy

Do I feel your pain! Truly I do! I’m developing feelings for my mom that I dislike having. But I suppose if I am to be fully honest, I have to stop denying the utter justified resentment that I feel. I no longer feel like a daughter, but rather a servant while my brothers get to just be her sons! They do crap to help her or me! Truth be told, my husband has been more of a son to her, just like you were helpful and your SIL wasn’t. Sickening, isn’t it?

There is so much paperwork for this aid and assistance from veterans association to get money to help. I am slowly getting it done. Hard because I am starting from scratch due to everything being lost in Hurricane Katrina. What a headache rounding all of this stuff up to finalize the paperwork.

I pray to God we are approved! Mom has no money. We can’t pay AL prices without veteran’s help. She doesn’t have 5 years to spend down for Medicaid. She will soon be 94! So we are screwed if this doesn’t come through. I can’t take much more of this. Plus she needs some money for burial costs.

Cmagnum,

Yep, only wishful thinking on my part. I tried so hard to be optimistic, rather foolish to think mom will be rational or reasonable at this point. My heart is breaking.

It certainly hasn’t been worth it. Not this relationship. All relationships have ups and downs but where are the ups?

I have been married for over 40 years. He has been a wonderful husband, not perfect, nor am I. He is a great guy.

Years ago he was laid off at work due to downsizing. It happens. It was hard. But I would never have left him. I was only working part time then. Tough times. We went through our savings. I had a neighbor that did leave her husband after being laid off. She quickly remarried!

My point is, I would go through any pain with my husband all over again because I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. He has stood by me through tough times. We struggled for years trying to have a baby. I stood by him through his tough times. We wouldn’t have it any other way. With mom, has been a totally different story.

Changes have to happen one way or another. Not sure how yet. But this is too hard for my husband and me. When I helped with his mom and grandma it wasn’t nearly as hard. They did not live with us.

Barb,

That is a very good question! I’m asking myself that daily at this point.

Thanks for wishing me well, Alva. Means a lot to me. I will have to do whatever I need to to correct this mess.

I am glad I took a nap earlier. Just finished putting a chicken in to roast with veggies. Cleaned up entire kitchen too. I have never been a spendthrift but I do get sick of cooking. I think I am going to tell hubby to start picking up take-out for dinner once a week. There is a Greek restaurant nearby that does wonderful Greek salads. Good for our warm evenings. No cooking required!

NHWM;

You say mom has no money. She has SS, yes? Is she paying you rent and for caregiving? Do you have a caregiver's contract?

Have you looked into how Medicaid actually works in your state?

Have you contacted local FREE veterans assistance organizations for help with the A and A application?

Mom's money should used to hire care, hire a house cleaner, and make YOUR life easier.

NHWM - Your situation is a nightmare. I am wondering what you can and are willing to do to change/improve the situation.

Need -

More eloquent words escape me after reading to this point:
You are killing yourself.
Forget about your mother.
Take care of you, you, and you.
You do not owe your mother your life.
Katrina was FOURTEEN years ago.
Enough already.

Okay, here's my new situation. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing my crap. Believe me I am tired of it myself. I was told by veterans aid and assistance to contact the funeral home for daddy's death certificate. The woman was very sweet to me. She could not locate it on the computer but offered to look manually for it. Well, wouldn't you know, that year's records along with others were destroyed in Katrina. Damn! Anyway, she gave me the phone number for vital statistics, of course I couldn't get through on the phone. On hold forever! Mom needed me so I couldn't continue to hold on the line. So, I looked up vital statistics online. I am going to see if I can do it that way. I just didn't want to start it and be disturbed again by mom.

What I want to know is, I looked up the physical address of the building and it isn't too far from my husband's office. How picky will they be about releasing death certificate and marriage certificate? The woman at the funeral home mentioned something about only releasing info to a blood relative. So, I'm thinking if I sent my husband to the building would they not allow him to apply for daddy's death and marriage certificate? Should I try to let him get it for me in person? Mom has no records due to Katrina. Grrrrrr. I'm starting from scratch here.

I found a company to assist. They found daddy's military records so I have that. I have his social security number. I have to have the death and marriage certificate. I have pages of paperwork to fill out. I already printed it. Has to be mailed in after completed. Only certain things can be done online. The rest has to be mailed in. They are requesting certified copies of certain things. It's a pain.

Also, not sure if I did the correct thing or not but since I have not been able to work due to being home with mom I went ahead and took the early SSI money. I am only allowed to make a certain dollar amount due to collecting social security. My daughter is on her last year at LSU and we are paying for everything. My other daughter is sick, Diabetes and Crohn's disease so we are helping her financially also. Things are tight is why I went ahead and started collecting at 62 instead of later.

Anyway, the veterans aid and attendance said that mom has to pay us more than she is now to qualify for receiving the max amount. If I accept the entire amount of her social security like they are telling me to do then it will put me over my max amount allowed. I say that because I guess I have to count that money as income. Don't I? The way it works is they asked me to set up an account in my name only. It can not be a joint account like I have now with my husband. Then I have to deposit the full amount of her social as living expenses to me as a 'paid caregiver' or to use towards AL, that is my preference. Then aid and assistance puts her max amount $1209 in her account. That has to go directly to her. It still won't be enough for AL. We will have to pay the difference.

I'm just getting overwhelmed and can't think straight. Plus I didn't sleep well last night. Am I making any sense? Can anyone make heads or tails out of what I am saying. I don't think I am being too clear at the moment. Feel free to tell me to get some rest and come back to the forum later if I am being too confusing with this post.

Oh, I also was told to have mom's doctor fill out a form saying I am mom's primary caregiver and that she needs assistance, which of course she does. I had no idea it would be this much paperwork. It takes time getting it all done. When it is completed they go back to the date applied and start paying benefits from that date. It's confusing to me. Oh, they need the last month of her bank statement that she receives her SSI check in. She needs to have statements form Humana insurance. The paperwork just goes on and on and on.

NY,

I know. I really am trying to figure this all out. I'm so tired of this. It's just confusing. I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells. I hate that feeling. Just too tense, can't relax. I just need to see an end in sight. I know I can come through this okay if I see that I can make this happen,.

I just can't lose hope. I can't fall into despair and freeze up. I have to make this happen. Couldn't reach mom's doctors, either. Holidays screw up things sometimes. They plan vacations. Things get delayed. I need to touch base with them too.

NHWM;

Did you take Social Security at age 62 or are you getting SSI? Those are two different things with different rules.

Here is a SS calculator for maximizing benefits:

https://obliviousinvestor.com/new-free-open-source-social-security-calculator/

I am using a service because it was actually cheaper than the local veterans organization. It is a service that one of the AL facilities recommends. They said it has been successful for others and they expedite the process where going the free route will take much longer. Even with the service I still have to do a lot of the leg work. I am trying to remain positive. Mentally, I cannot afford to remain in a negative state. I have to go on autopilot to get this done.

NHWM:

One more thing; when you says mom "needs my help", what is it she needs you for?

Is she calling out to you while you are trying to complete paper work the way a two year old interrupts when you're on the phone, or does she really require that much supervision?

Other than getting her meals, what does she require assistance with that can't wait?

Sorry, Barb.

I knew I would screw up in communicating because I am pretty wiped out. Didn't have a good night's sleep. What I meant to say is I am currently collecting my social security. I chose to do it at 62 because we have had to help my daughter a lot. Kind of wipes out finances, it's a long story. She's actually had many health issues. She can no longer work. The other one is still in school. Has been hard.

Barb,

She was asking me to get her new box of wipes out for her to use. I forgot to place them near her bedside commode. So yeah, legit reason to call me this time. Not her crazy crap like a couple a days ago, lost hairbrush, fancy underwear request, nail file, geeeez.

You're not screwing up anything! I just wanted to make sure I answered the correct question. So according to this:

The Social Security earnings limit is $1,470 per month or $17,640 per year in 2019 for someone age 65 or younger. If you earn more than this amount, you can expect to have $1 withheld from your Social Security benefit for every $2 earned above the limit.Jun 5, 2019
What Happens if You Work While Receiving Social Security | Social ...

https://money.usnews.com › money › retirement › social-security › articles

you can take in $1470 per month without being penalized by SS. Is mom's SS payment more than that each month?

It's not that you CAN'T make more than that, it's simple that they will reduce your SS benefit by a formula if you earn more than that.

OMG first Hugs ❤️ hugs hugs! NHWM. My heart is breaking for you. It's like what kind of live is this. And it's not fair period. I see your doing everything for your mom and no one is helping.. but your brothers can criticize and feel comfortable not helping. Just like mine. Do they realize how hard it is taking care of someone who cannot do anything but complain and act like a baby? My mom cannot even snap her buttons but she ask for my younger brother every day. My older brother is more aware of her condition but never helps me or bring her a morsal of food. What's helping me a little is small things like walking our dog and getting my son to watch my mom a couple of hours going to church and usually lunch and having my mum in law or her sister watch her. I too am a prisoner in this house I'm weary and worn down no sleep and was so depressed. And mom's minds getting worst. She and I never got along really well. She always loved my brothers more. And still does. But here I am attached to her doing everything for her. I cannot afford a caretaker..I figure GOD put me here to straighten things out between she and I. It worked Im very close to her and love her to death. BUT it's hard. She still say sarcastic things and won't listen to me. You need help like me. I called SCAN they are supposed to be sending a home health aide six hours a week. X2 a week. It's not set up yet but I'm waiting. Just so I can get out a little more. It's hard to get my mom clean dressed and out the house. I wish my brother who is a firefighter could keep her a weekend. Then he would see my pain. But what u need is some me time. Someone has to watch your mum. I am in the same situation. I feel unhealthy cannot sleep depressed and wasting away. My weight goes up and down. My faith is my salvation saving me I do pray alot. I pray for tolerance peace and understanding so I can calm down. I listen to Dr Charles Stanley he has helped me personally to connect to GOD and be strong not to give up, So who ever and what ever brings your soul peace you connect to. I started gardening I'm decorating a powder room in the house.. for me to sit in and closed the doors and relax. I lite candles and pray for my mom's mind . I cannot even have a up to date conversation with her. All old stuff. So I am praying for you and your health and mind. Just last week I was so depressed everybody expects so much from me. I almost felt like my my mom would outlive me. Also I've have sciatica for 2 years now. I refused surgery. So in alot of pain too. I had to get myself and my mind together and not perish. Also I pray for strength and spiritual healing inside and out for us and all the caregivers on aging care. This site has helped me alot. We're far from alone. So don't dispair your a beautiful person. Try your best to get some help. You deserve it and joy in your life. Many blessings.

Polar,

I'm trying to get things situated. I've been emotionally stuck. I admit it. I am really trying now. I'm not in the best place emotionally. I'm trying to visualize the future in a positive way.

You know what I want? I want to take a little trip. Doesn't even have to be anything fancy. I know we can't afford that now. I just want a little weekend getaway with my husband.

It's only four hours to drive to Pensacola or just a little farther to Navarre, Ft. Walton or Destin area. I don't know if it's foolish for me to dream about being alone with my husband for a weekend in Florida or not but I would absolutely love it.

Thanks, Miss Everything

Very sweet post. Thanks for your warm wishes. I can see you need help too. I hope you get relief soon.

Thank you, Barb.

Yep, that answers my question. She earns just under $1700, They did tell me that I can probably still get approved if mom pays a little less than her whole check but then they can't apply for the max of $1209. So, that is something to consider. I appreciate your helping. I really do. Not just lip service. Every bit of info helps and I am trying my best but being tired and stressed can cause things to be overlooked.

I can't help it I am nervous about getting this paperwork done correctly. And oh gosh, I have always done everything on the up and up. My dad taught me that. He always said to study hard, work hard, be honest, don't burn any bridges behind me. Typical dad stuff. Oh, and to do it right the first time! hahaha.

One time my boss came by my desk and asked me where did I get the stamina to work so hard. I told him that my dad drilled it into my head. He asked me to tell him how my dad motivated me. I told him he always told me to "Do it right the first time!" Oh my gosh! My coworkers got so upset with me because my boss put up signs all over the office to "Do it right the first time!' I was so embarrassed.

Has anyone applied for death certificates or marriage certificates from vital statistics? Have you done it online or in person? Was it easy to do? What was the wait time? Just stressing about the paperwork for aid and attendance. Can anyone else do it for me like my husband or do I have to as the blood relative. My husband works near the building where archives are. I am always with mom.

Did everything for my Mom’s A&A on line. Dad had saved all of his Navy paperwork in a folder in order. Didn’t have to do anything with it.

I paid all of the Dept of Vital Statistics stuff on line used debit card to pay. I found the process easy and didn’t have any long waits. This was a few years ago.

Becky,

That is certainly encouraging to hear! Thanks. Mom lost everything in Hurricane Katrina so I am starting from scratch. How long did it take for vital stats to come back to you? Do they email or send certified copies or what? Did you use a specific website?

It's been a lot of info to turn in. You had to give them your dad's discharge info, right? They are requiring that from us. I'm stressed too so I am sure that is making it a pain for me. I am getting out Saturday. My daughter is driving to pick me up. My husband will look after mom for us to go to my favorite coffee house and we can visit for awhile. I hope nothing comes up and we have a good time. I need a break.

Dear NHWM, I'm quite worried about u. Your urge to complete every task sounds compulsive, & it is harming you. (When we were young that worked for us, we could be perfectionists & not blow up). Not true anymore friend. As you continue to take responsibility for all this, your mental state breaks down. You will become sick (& thereby get the rest your body is telling you to get now). Starving yourself while under stress is very stupid, (& you don't strike me as a stupid person), so what the hel# are you doing? Stop drinking coffee & acting like a maniac. (Tell ur family nothing, just go do what you want with ur hubby & enjoy!) I hope not to offend anyone when I say: you need some xanex asap. Love 🐯

NeedHWM, enjoy your time out tomorrow! Enjoy your daughter and your coffee, and don’t rush home afterward!

"I know I can come through this okay if I see that I can make this happen..."
"I have to make this happen..."

I agree with Tiger - "Your urge to complete every task sounds compulsive" and I think you've lost sight of what's really possible.