Overall, Mom's behavior has been better over the last few months. Her complaining is less intense, angry outbursts minimized, and fewer critical attacks. I credit her daily low dose of Seroquel for this improvement. I'm very thankful, as this has made my visits with Mom at memory care less stressful.

I've practiced and suggested utilizing the grey rock method here for some time. It's very useful for countering provoking remarks from anyone, dementia or not. Well, I was really tested this week when Mom, in her characteristic style started in on me. I'll admit, I ignored my own advice when I allowed the visit to drag on for 5 hours, when in fact I should always limit my visits to 3-4 hours max. Which is really as long as Mom can "behave."

Mom did pretty well for the first couple hours. I took her to a medical appointment and a couple of stores to pick up a few things she needed. When we went on a little pleasure jaunt to a surprise destination, she stepped into the Twilight Zone. Didn't know who I was half the time, maligning me like she was speaking to a friend or acquaintance about her "maneuvering, selfish daughter." I didn't challenge these remarks, just let it pass. That is, until I couldn't take it any more. Which is when I said that must be why her daughter drops everything to bring her little gifts, pick her up and take her to the doctor, out for a meal, and fun places where she can relax and get away from the confinement of memory care for awhile. Because she's so "selfish." I have to give myself credit. At least I didn't show much emotion with these remarks, if any.

Mom had a snappy little come back (she always does), which made me regret not following my own advice. Getting my back up is what she wants. The reaction is what she craves. Rule #1: Never, ever let her have it!

I have to go back in a few days. Hopefully I'll stick to my own advice a little better this time! Remember the Serenity Prayer! This could go on for years. And years. Thanks for listening!

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Hi CantDance,

Believe me, I know the feeling of not being able to do anything that seems correct.I need to remember the Serenity Prayer too. My mom is still at home and my sister facing the brunt of it all. She is now experiencing some health issues herself so I need to help more. But I am super scared. She wants me to learn the new way she is helping get mom off commode and says I talk too much about that. I will be happy to do this new way if mom agrees to keep and not cancel her last visit for Tuesday with PT. If I am to just do what my sister has invented for herself to move mom without hearing it is safe option for me, I am not interested although that sounds very cold and distant. If mom has my sister cancel that appointment like mom has being doing often, I really don't feel obligated to try what my sister is doing although I really do care for my sister and she has another dilemma this Wednesday with having to go for more skin surgery and she cannot be with mom then and mom doesn't travel well. Guess what? I am elected to learn her new current way to be there. Believe me, if it is safe, I will. But I do think it is reasonable for me to insist that PT visit is not canceled so this can be run by PT for my safety as well as learning. I am older sister but I have a daughter who needs me to be able to move around as well as a great husband who doesn't need me to become a not healthy wife.

Am I selfish for making the request for PT to approve this new method to get mom to stand up that my sister has invented to make it less of a butt lift? I don't mind doing it, but it has to be safe for me in my opinion. Is that reasonable request?

Thanks again for listening as well as for your opinions on my difficult situation. Prayers are welcome as well.

Totally reasonable, snowy1 to want to avoid sustaining injury to yourself in the interest of helping your mom! You might tell your sister if your mom doesn't agree to go to her Tuesday appt, then you cannot, in turn, agree to take care of your mom on Wednesday. This isn't selfishness. If at all possible you could include yourself in Tuesday's visit to be an active part of the "new method" to assist your mom on and off the toilet. That way you can provide input about your needs as mom's caregiver, so you won't get hurt.

Your health and well-being should not be considered expendable for the sake of your mom. You matter, too! You have my prayers!

Asked by other poster. What is a butt lift?

Snowy, NOT selfish and not only because your daughter needs you. Because YOU need not to injure yourself, pure and simple.

It's your mother who is selfish.

If your sister wants to die caring for your mom, you can't prevent her from doing that. But dont be foolish enough to follow her down that path.

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