I had the worst realization this weekend. I realized that my mom lives her life in fear. She is like someone who gets hit over the head, kidnapped, taken to a strange place with strange people. She knows she used to have people but she can't remember who they are. She doesn't know what is going to happen to her or if anyone she used to know is going to find her or if they know where she is. She has been at her memory care for almost 2 years and they are very good to her but of course she is declining and now the fear is evident. All day. I can't give her any relief that lasts longer than 30 seconds now. My sister and I see her every day. And until the last couple of weeks or so we were able to comfort her. Now everytime i leave her it feels like I am abandoning her and it kills me. It is so freaking painful to not have any way to make her feel safe. I can understand why so few of the other residents get any visits. Most of the residents (10/12) are completely zombie like which I almost find myself wishing for her just to relive her stress. There is one other lady who talks and reminds me of my mom a year ago. This is 10 years of thinking that this has got to be the rock bottom. Things can't possibly get any worse. And yet they do. I pray for my mom to be free of this horrid disease knowing there is only one way out of it. I love her so much. I am so sad and I am so mad and I just needed to vent to people who could possibly understand the trauma that infects the entire family with this disease.
Lealonnie in the comments wrote that the drug Ativan helped her mother. It really can. Talk to the DON at the memory care and ask about it for your mother.
That's kind of you and your sister to visit her every day, but have you ever had your mother observed in the memory care by someone you know but she doesn't? I ask this because I worked as a caregiver to clients with every kind of dementia for many years. In many instances the person in memory care or assisted living does just fine until their family shows up for a visit or calls. For some reason this triggers them into the panicking, hysterics, or negativity and complaining. It's no one's fault. Their minds often do this. Have someone you know but your mother doesn't go and visit her. It may bring some comfort to you and your sibling to know she may not be panicking and flipping out all day long.
Good luck, and please ask about getting her some medication.
This whole journey is awful, and I feel your pain. I did a lot of crying myself over the years. Mom finally died at 95 very peacefully, thanks to hospice, and I was very relieved she was at peace after all the struggles. Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with a difficult situation.
Many are helped by a low dose anti-depressant.
In Austin, Tx. a friend's mother was helped enormously by prescribed marijuana in small doses. She went from paranoia and fear with almost zero appetite to calm, relaxed and eating.
I think this is something to discuss with medical team for your mom's comfort at this end of life stage. There is nothing to lose in trying things.