I am really not asking a question but just wanted to let you know that if you’re in this situation, you are NOT alone.
My brother, a tragic alcoholic, lives in Florida and has not been home to see our elderly father since 2012, the year our mother died. He calls home regularly to tell our father how sick HE is and used to ask for money until he figured out I had POA and that would be no. He’s borrowed money from relatives which has never been paid back but was used to take his almost 80 year old girlfriend on a cruise. Twice. Enough about him.
And then we have my live-in boyfriend of 7 years (we do not live with my father) who moved in when his home was going to lose his home due to foreclosure (he was upside down on his house during the recession) and lost his job. He has since turned things around and has become very successful. I have supported each of his endevours, some that came to no fruition but others that have...all due to his hard work, creativity and persistence.
His parents are just now starting to have health problems. He has two loving siblings who live nearby and are supportive.
Though I am lucky enough to have almost around the clock sitters for my dad, for the rest I am his everything....yard boy, financial consultant, healthcare advocate, chauffeur, grocery shopper, bill payer, etc. I have no help at all from anyone.
During the holiday seasons, the sitters enjoy the time with their families and I step up and take over. And my hell starts. I am accused by my boyfriend of “abandoning” him because I can’t attend all his family’s events. I am accused of running off and leaving him stuck with the house (I travel for work, sometimes extensively. Sometime I may not have to travel for months. Today just to prove his point I called him with my father to tell him Merry Christmas and he refused to answer the phone. I texted him and did get a 5 word response “Tell your dad Merry Christmas”. He’s off to his uncles house and furious I can’t attend.
So if you, too, are in this situation, you are not alone. I live with the constant feeling of incompleteness and disappointment. But I will continue to do what I need to do for my 96 year old father.
What about you? How do you fair in this life of caregiving?
If your BF insists on constantly throwing hissy fits, it’s time to move on, don’t you think? It sounds like you’ve put a lot more into this relationship than he has. He wants what you can’t give. Who were you trying to prove a point to with this phone call? And why, pray tell? What will you do with this point you proved? Doesn’t sound like it matters to BF much.
I care for my bedridden husband. I do everything but feed him. I have no help at all. Right now, it’s mid-afternoon and he still hasn’t been bathed or changed. I’m not feeling well, but he insisted on a turkey dinner for Christmas. And, I have to go back to work tomorrow, sick or not; a job I had to find to keep our house from going into foreclosure. I handle this simply by just doing it and not worrying or giving a flying fig about what anyone else is doing.
After 10 years of caring for both parents and mom’s passing and dad’s bipolar becoming unmanageable and unsafe for others, I found a small assisted living 50 miles away (wasn’t easy with his physical health being ok and his mental health being bad) and moved him in.
He is happier and mentally more “even” and my life is also better. Such relief on so many levels.
If BF can not tolerate your travel for work, nor the time you have to "pull some extra duty" caring for your father then it is time to have a sit down and talk. Grow up or pack up. He will soon know what it is like to have to spend extra time in the care-giving department.
Why put extra pressure on yourself by expecting something that will not happen... and do you expect him to change? Ain't gonna happen. So you have to change your expectations. Now that might happen but you have to work on it.
You really can't blame him. He wants you to do things together. But you have set a priority, your Dad. That's not bad, its what you want and need. He either excepts that for now or its time for him to move on.