New Year's resolve—no more toxic people in my life!

Good for you, Midkid. I have been through this myself.

Take care of yourself for 2019.

: )

I’m with you! Here’s to clear boundaries, listening to (and believing) our own guts and intuition, and a non-toxic 2019! :)

Jane

I had a dear friend once who could tell people to go to hell in such a way that they would look forward to the trip. That’s a skill I wish I could perfect.

Good luck in your resolve. Maybe next Christmas Hubby could ask Santa to leave him “a set”. Gift-wrapped, of course.

I wish there was a “Pure Gold” button I could hit to rank this response Ahmijoy. “Gift-wrapped” LOL! I think you have more of that skill than you let on. :)

A big thumbs up, MidKid!

Midkid, yes, I do feel that way with a few people in my life. I think sometimes we spend so much energy going along to get along, that we don’t realize our failure to push back just emboldens these people. You need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself, whether it’s going no contact, disengaging and leaving the room, or sending a short text rather than getting pulled into a difficult phone call. I’m a fan of not answering the rude question and making an obvious change of subject. (((Hugs)))

Why, thank you, Jane! What a nice compliment! My husband was pretty much the same as to letting his mother verbally abuse me for years. I told him I was ordering him a set from Amazon. And offered to sew them on. 🤣🤣

Its called sarcastic whit. My Aunt, her son and my sister had/have it. My youngest inherited it. I have watched people back down from these people. Others have that look on their face, was I just put down? I don't have that ability, wish I did.

Did this friend promise payback? Probably small claims court could get ur money back. She was never a good friend if she can treat you like this. You r just too good hearted and people like her see that and eventually take advantage. Been there most of my life. Now, I really don't want any new friends and the old who slipped away for one reason or the other, not interested in rekindling the friendship now we r all retired. I really don't like this attitude. But I feel, you had nothing to do with me when we were raising our kids and working, now I am suppose to be happy that you want to get in touch? These are people I have known since kindergarten. Seems our lives went in different directions. I have a friend that I worked with. We get together for breakfast. Two sisters we get together for lunch. And we laugh and we enjoy each others company. I don't feel this way when I am around my old friends.

MIL...been there but she never said anything in front of her son. I would visit on my own in the beginning. My DHs Aunt is also my GFs mother. My MIL would tell Aunts sister something I said. Sister would ask Aunt if its true, Aunt would side with me because she knew me. MIL would take things I said and twist them around making me look like the bad guy. She would also tell my DH who would ask if thats whay I said. It would piss me off until I realized that he was looking for the truth. He never admitted it, would just say "Mom exagerrates". Really, she had a Mental problem and her sister said since they were children. She would make up stories and believe them. She was also passive agressive. Tell you she would get you this or that and when I'd say I really didn't want or need it, she'd buy it anyway and get upset if you didn't like it. But, it was OK if she didn't like what u gave her. No, she wiuldn't tell you, she would just give it away. I ended up just giving her money for special occasions.

I also have a deaf husband that doesn't hear everything. I asked my MIL 2x not to give my daughter candy, she chose not to hear me. I had to raise my voice to be heard. Later I was told he didn't like that I raised my voice to his Mom. I told him I had asked her 2x not to give candy to my daughter and she ignored me so I raised my voice to be heard. He didn't hear the first 2x. I chose not to go to my MILs without my husband. I am with you to stay away from yours. Husband should have stood up to her long ago when it came to you. Thats one thing I am sure of, that DH would stand up for me because he did it.

Continue to be a kind person, that's who you r. Just know when boundries are needed.

Barb's advice is spot on Midkid. I'm learning on the same journey myself.

One thing I've learned, there is no harm in pausing to contemplate something you might wish to assist someone with.

An answer of "let me give that some thought" ... buys you time to weigh the pros and cons of being, in the end, used by someone. And if you take the time to think it over 1st .. you might come to the conclusion there are far too many cons and decline, for your own good.

Cheers to you for having the self awareness to tackle learning a different way to do things and looking out for you 1st.

Yes, there was promise of payback. My son-in-law was her realtor, and assured me that at the time of the closing of her house sale I would get all my money back. Now that she's not selling there is no such option. Small claims court.. I'm sure I would win but she has nothing literally nothing. If she had sold her home she would stand to gain about $200,000, but her son will not let her sell her house, instead she is slowly losing it to foreclosure.I think my son-in-law said she had about five months before for closure would begin.

Some people... They really truly just don't want to be helped. It's really sad but I've come to understand that she is just so enthralled with her son, she can't see how toxic and damaging he is.

It'sheartbreaking to watch her each month sink further and further into complete financial ruin. Oh, she also has her son's three children I'm sure she is raising, with no legal paperwork to back her up. So Sonny boy doesn't even pay child support. I feel terrible for her but I also know I can't be involved with her. It's like watching the Titanic go down.

MidKid here's hoping 2019 brings more peace to you. It seems you have gotten to a place where "enough is enough". Use that feeling to set up boundaries with the takers in your life and to enforce them. I think you may need to remind yourself of this in the coming days since those who are used to taking from us will fight back once we enforce our new found boundaries. I really believe our first priority in life is to ourselves to do what is needed to have peace in our life and maintain our wellbeing. We do not have to sacrifice that for anyone.

Thanks to those who responded to me.

I do need constant reminders to "stick to my guns"....and I will do so.

Funny thing--yesterday we ran grocery shopping--I had to take DH as I am in a knee high boot for a broken foot (I broke it 14 months ago and simply haven't had time to take care of ME...anyway, it's uncomfortable and I'm not real stable on it, so I made DH go with me). We got the few things we needed, and as we're leaving, I remembered that this "friend" is really sick with bronchitis. I grabbed 2 big containers of hot soup, a package of rolls and big container of cookies and had DH drop it off at her house. (I'm not made of stone). No response from her, and I didn't/don't expect one.

But I was showing myself that I CAN set a boundary and keep it. DH took the food in, normally I would have, and probably stayed and cleaned her kitchen and done a load of laundry...just sayin'.

And my other bugaboo---the MIL--we visited with my SIL yesterday for quite a while and SHE apologized for how MIL spoke to me a few weeks ago. DH (who is, for all intents, 80% deaf)has held fast to the belief that his mother doesn't treat me poorly. His sister set him straight--actually said "B, don't you HEAR what Mom says to "E"? She's so mean. It's horrible."

I didn't have to say a word. SIL was so mortified, but she can't change her mother, and DH won't say one word to her, in my defense. I was very happy that SIL said something about the treatment I get. Makes my decision to never see my MIL again a very good choice.

Other than having to wear this stupid boot for 6+ weeks and then I'm pretty sure we'll looking at pretty major surgery....I'm going to work harder on doing what I can for those I WANT to help and not taking their problems on me.

As I said--I don't really do "resolutions"...I'm just going to work harder to not let toxic people in my space.

BTW--my YB has that wit that makes an insult seem like a lovely compliment. I do not have that. It's a gift, for sure.

Good for you, MidKid! I'm relieved your SIL stood up for you! Shame on DH for not sticking up for you. Like you, 2018 was the worst year of my life with 2017 not far behind because of toxic people. My story is too much to tell here, but I've been screwed by screwed-up people and I've had enough.

You know to start backing away from people who have no concern for you and your circumstances. Last year I divorced my husband of 20 years because he decided what he wanted was the only thing important. I'm better off alone (though we do support each other). Six months ago I went no-contact to my 3 narcissistic backstabbing sisters after Mom passed in the April. Essentially I've lost my entire family. But I'm good with that. Mentally and emotionally I'm so much happier and freer.

Life's too short to allow others to mess us over just because they can. Jettison them. Good luck to you and may 2019 be happy for you. Your AC friends have your back!

Timely and true. Here’s to more SELF-caregiving for all of us in 2019.

Sadly, looking back, when DH had his heart attacks, I had a packed bag ready for the moment I finally "grew a set" and left him.

The irony that he almost "left me" is NOT lost on me.

I don't/didn't want a divorce. I want him to wake up and engage with me and be a couple--but as long as he lets his severe hearing loss & chronic depression go w/o treatment, the less empathetic I am to him.

The HA's didn't really change him at all. He watches what he eats, but he doesn't exercise and does nothing around the house to help me.

I unpacked the bag---a few moths post H/A, but it could be repacked. He's not toxic, he's completely clueless.

2019 will hopefully bring a more independent streak in me. I already have stopped fussing him about being compliant with his treatments, and don't walk on tenterhooks around him. He KNOWS I am out--totally OUT as regards his mother. And I don't CARE if this upsets him.

I went no-contact with a brother last January. Have not spoken to him since Jan 3. Don't plan to this year either. And you know what? It's FINE. Better than fine---it's quite joyous, knowing I don't have to engage with another toxic person.

Timely and good post MidKid. I’ve appreciated it and everyone’s responses. This is something I’ve gotten better about with age but can still work on. I currently have a “friend” that I need out of my life. She’s truly a bitter, self centered, and toxic person and I’ve let the relationship go on for far too long. 2019 is a great time to say goodbye to it. I’d also add that I, and all of us, should equally work on replacing the toxics with good and caring people and relationships that are fulfilling and worth the time to enjoy. Happy New Year to all!

Guess I touched a nerve here.

We can be kind and loving and giving people--but we do NOT have to suffer abuse at the hands of those we nurture/care for. My friend showed her true colors when I was of no use to her and I sadly realize she never really cared about me, although I truly DID care about her.

Sick today and not watching our big college football game. Been in bed all day, coughing my lungs out. I was caught by "the bug" that has been going around.

Ah well!

A blessed and better 2019 to all of us!

Yes..and just for a little laugh...one day I got a fortune cookie, and inside it said "You are an Angel, beware of those who collect feathers". I knew exactly what it meant, and had to laugh...thinking about the people in my life that "collect feathers". there have been some "Toxic" people in our life...namely my dear father's brother....we are very happy to have gotten rid of him...whatever you need to do to get rid of the Toxic...you go for it, girl. :)

Mid, There’s a big difference between being “nice” and being a doormat...you have allowed people like your “friend “ and MIL to not only take advantage of you, but abuse you, too. You have every right to take this so-called “friend “ to small claims court. Judge Judy HATES squatters & she will side with you. MIL does not deserve another visit from you. She lost the privilege of your visits. Tell husband to put his big boy pants on. It’s his mother...you don’t have to be abused anymore.

I take a lot of abuse from my mother, but she has dementia & don’t remember what she said 5 minutes later. She is 91 1/2 & I take care of her at home along with paid private caregiver. I do the best I can. She was a very good mother & always did for everyone else. I miss my “real” mother terribly. It’s an insidious disease. This morning I came over to her & asked her to take a drink...& she said that it’s poison.

Its a a new year. Only we can make changes if we want to.
Hugs🤗

Timely post, as I needed reminding as to why I removed quite a few toxic people from my life last year. Unfortunately for my spineless husband, doing so left him to deal with his NPD mother & sisters by himself. Midkid, my DH is the same — he won’t defend me until I have already made such a huge stink about how I have been mistreated. Too little too late. I set my boundaries, and they appear to be the same as your boundaries. By doing so, it helps our DHs to set their own as well. I feel so liberated and you will, too.

Midkid, Yes. I feel I have been giving more than reasonable. I got through my Mom's long, difficult demise with some PTS but did not bother anyone for anything. During that time I has a toxic relationship with MIL and SIL. I also lost sight in one eye from a spontaneous retinal detachment while I was alone caring for my completely bedridden mom with multiple health issues. No one offered to even bring me a bag of McDonald's. After my mom died, I had 2 friends that I need to lose. Friend #1 is a perpetual sad sack loser who constantly asks for favors, but can't help anyone else because she is always whining about some problems which she usually brings on herself. Her siblings had to take her mom out of her own house because she failed at taking care of her though living there free. The house is full of junk and never gets cleaned because of this or that excuse. She is even snarky and jealous with comments.
The other Friend #2 cared for her mom by hiring help to come into her mom's house 24/7 round the clock while she built her dream house across the country. Once in that dream house I got looks of disgust at my home when she visited. My home was spotless and well decorated, but needed updating. The bragging from this "friend" about her "living in the best place on Earth and everyone else's home and town is cr*% has created anger issues in me. What have I worked for my whole life if all is bad?! So yes, I understand where you are coming from and need to try myself to cut the cords! I wish you strength in the New Year!

You're life sounds a bit like mine! I spend most of it helping others, bending backwards to make sure everyone was happy. Working two jobs to pay for the things that was suppose to be handled by the man of the house, but he was too busy drinking and partying. I loved my father but he was a wreck and he died in a wreck. I still miss him.

Now everyone has moved on, my husband broke my heart and moved in with his rich mother, and his just happy go lucky man living in the mountains and acts as if nothing ever happened, and we were married for 10 years. I'm heart broken and disappointed in people!

Now, I'm left to raise my 8 year old gran-daughter, because my daughter decided it was ok to have a baby out of wedlock and the father is no where to be found and she hasn't grown up yet. hmmmm?? And my 86 year old mother, who was dropped off at my house because none of my brother's wanted to take responsibility and help out even though my plate was already full. They rather party, travel and spend, spend and spend money like there's no tomorrow.

My mother's health has declined just in the last few days due to dementia. She now poops in trash cans and urinates on the floor even with a diaper on. I went to bed last night at 4 am and it wasn't a new years eve party, but cleaning poop and urine off the floor. I'm starting to feel burned out and depressed. I have no one to talk to.

And to top it off, right at this very moment, I'm couphing my brains out with an upper respiratory infection and flu like symptoms from the heavy chem trails spraying we got 2 weeks ago. No sun, all rain and no fun here in GA.

I am so sorry you've had to deal with this! Unbelievable. I have a friend who felt taken for granted by others to the extent that she wont help anyone else either. I haven't had it that bad myself but I have had times where I need to strengthen my external Bell jar andjust detach myself from toxic people like that. It's hard when they are colleagues or family but it can be done. Getting a bit older helps me detach from them and be more selfish. I'm not making resolutions so much as working on 'intentions' trying to stay away form toxicity of any kind. I hope that 2019 is much kinder to you!

Yes I understand what you mean because I have people in my life who say untrue things about me and they are the people that Ive always made welcome and cared for them in any bad times. Its best to cut these folk out of our lives because we are sensative. It can make us ill getting involved with them. Dont feel guilty about it.
They will be the loosers!

This one strikes a chord with me -- there's an adult (age 62) stepson who's been taking advantage of his father and me financially throughout our 32-year marriage. His father has always told me he loves his on, but doesn't like him -- so he's compensated by throwing money at him. I, personally, neither love nor like him; and having reached the age where conservation of our resources is imminently prudent, we've "closed the bank." My husband, age 82, suffers from dementia, which makes me the "enforcer," something his son doesn't want to acknowledge or accept. Wish I could get this "toxic" person outta my life, but gotta face the fact that it ain't gonna happen, so just trying my best to stay civil and keep contact to a bare minimum. Being stuck in the middle is a tough situation, especially since I cannot voice my distaste to my husband.

So I empathize and sympathize with what you're facing.

I’m afraid you are not alone. When doing what we think is the right and kind action causes us to have the life sucked out of us, we need to stand back, reaccess, heal ourselves (no one else will heal us), and yet not lose the part of us that make us the kind generous persons we are.

Hubby and I discovered we had put ourselves into a similar situation. We were out of town and away from the folks we were helping when we realized how depleted we were. The hard part is not wanting to become mean, needy, uncaring, etc. while drawing the necessary lines dealing with folks in need of our support.

take care of yourself

Just one note on that. When others feel that financial assistance has always come from someone and then they get cut off be aware of them “need for Money” makes people do “CRAZY” things.

I'm sitting here with the cold that has been knocking people out, right and left. Just a cold, with the accompanying hacking cough. DH really did want to do something for NY's which I always plan--and I was in bed all day, and probably will spend most of today there too.


Also--was up this am at 12:45 to "mark" the anniversary of the passing of my sweet dad. 15 years. Seems like yesterday. Miss him all the time, but I feel his presence a lot--it isn't a 'sad hurt'.

This time of year--well we DO feel inclined to think we need to revamp our lives from a-z...and really, nothing changes except my medical co-pays start up again and it's really cold here. I do get organized every year, start fresh with notebooks, etc where I keep track of finances, investments, health information and now a new folder that is ideas for the 'retirement' home we'll be remodeling/planning on for next year.

I'm probably looking down the barrel of a fairly complex foot surgery, but this is necessary as I broke my foot 15 months ago and didn't deal with it. Yup, been walking on a busted foot for 15 months b/c I wouldn't take the time to really find out what was wrong with it.

That--my friends--was part of the tipping scale for me. Along with the leeching friend, the holidays in general, MIL's blowout and my kids lack of "gratitude" for the Christmas I gave them--sheesh, I gave up. (In fairness to the kids, they are all well off and needed nothing and I gave them all something they didn't like nor need--I also decided that this year (2019) they will get an honor card from my favorite charity. This year the grands will get ONE gift and their usual stocking stuffers.) I'm already planning Christmas and it's 51 weeks away :)

I have NEVER EVER EVER put myself first. NEVER. I am working on this in therapy and I tell you, it's slooooooow going. It's like I am changing my core being.

Of course I will still step in and step up when needed. But at MY choice and decision and NEVER again in the manner I used to.

I am sad/glad that I let my hair down for a minute and wrote this post. I think a lot of us need the "permission" to not be perfect.

Truth is, we are still doing a heck of a lot for others, right? And that's OK as long as we're not expecting any reward or thanks-that's it's truly and simply service--and not enabling.

Good luck to all of us!