She has repeatedly told us that if she has to go to a care facility that she will "die". She will not go willingly. What can we do? She does not have a lot of money and neither do we. Does she has to be hospitalized first before she can go to a facility that can help care for her? Are there certain words that we must use with the doctors and nurses to let them know the situation. What can we do to get her in a facility that can care for her? My husband has POA but we realize that we must has doctors agree to have her placed.
After her assets are spent-down, she will qualify for Medicaid and they will pay the remaining balance on the LTC bill.
How you deal with her guilt-tripping and manipulation tactics about how she will 'die' if you place her.
Tell her her care needs cannot and will not be met in your home anymore. That no one is abandoning her and you will make sure she is well cared for and will be visiting her often. Let her know that she is still an important part of your family, but she cannot live with you anymore because you cannot meet her needs.
If she continues along with the guilt-tripping and manipulation drama about how she'll die if you place her, ask her what dress she wants to be laid out in because she's not going to be living with you anymore.
Your husband who has POA with you should go and see her doctor. Do not bring your MIL. He has to tell the doctor that she needs to be placed because the two of you cannot meet her care in your home anymore. Usually the doctor will be onboard with helping to get an elderly patient placed in AL or LTC if their family cannot take care of them anymore. The doctor knows her medical history and what conditions she has going on. Their office can make arrangements to transition her into LTC or AL. Let him know she will not go willingly and will be a hostile transfer. They can help with transporting her also and will.
I know this sounds like a lot, but it's not impossible. One thing at a time and you and your husband will get her safely placed in care.
If MIL is a woman of faith, you may gently remind her that her time on Earth will end when her Maker decides it's time.
Or if not, insert 'Mother Nature' or 'fate' or other word to your liking.
These kind of threat statements can be a way to mask the FEAR.
Especially fear of those dark, grim, stale urine smelling nursing homes of olden times. Those places once seen or smelt left an impression.
My own Grandmother passed down tales told from generation to generation... of threats of The Poor House or Mad House from way back in Dicken's era England. I kid you not!
If there is dementia here, and the POA is currently acting for MIL then this is a matter if diagnosis of dementia and inability to care for herself, and letting doctors know that you will be placing MIL in care, and require their cooperations in letters attesting to her inability to manage living alone without 24/7 supervision.
You attempt then to find the best care you can after applications for Medicaid, as having no finances to speak of, given cost of care, her money will soon be gone and she will require governmental assistance with paying for care.
Should MIL become, for any reason, hospitalized, do work with Social workers. The easiest way to get into placement is often through their knowledge and resources. I wish you good luck.
Your note to us serves as warning to others not to take elders into their homes without clearly written contract of shared living expenses and without clear stipulation to how often the plan of care will be reassessed as in "when it doesn't work for ONE in the household, then placement is a necessity. The only answer to "I will die" is "We hope not. But we cannot continue living together and will have to help you in finding where you can live and be cared for."