Follow
Share

I know it's been a very long time since I've posted here, I was just having trouble putting things into words.


My father passed away August 7, 2020 from a stroke. While we were still under quarantine protocol the VA did let us come sit with him for the end. I am and was upset about his passing. Since we couldn't have any type of memorial service for him because of Covid, we decided we would have his memorial later, maybe on his birthday, January 2. Well that date came and went with nothing for dad, so I just assumed that we would have something for him later in the year. Boy, was I wrong. Here it is almost a year later and no service, nothing, nada....It seems as though I am the only one that wanted to honor his wishes which were very simple - he wanted Taps played and his gun salute and his flag presentation. I was able to get his flag - me and mom had to go to the funeral home to have the flag presented to momma and then she gave it to me. I was the only one that wanted it. My mother and my sister just don't freakin' care about what daddy wanted. They don't seem to give one ounce for him and what he wanted.....They totally act like they are glad he's not here anymore, and that breaks my heart! I was able to forgive dad for his actions and hurtful words and I feel free because of that. Mom and sister are holding on to their hate for his actions. The last few years of his life he did not know what they were upset and angry about.


Because we are not ever having a public memorial for dad, I am having a very private one for myself. I will play Taps for him, I will play gunshots for him and I will have his flag out for him. I miss my father even though he was an a****** for the majority of my life, but I am better off in my life because I was able to forgive him.


I honestly just can't understand why someone would hold on to their hate after a person died. It makes no sense to me, but they can have their hate, I feel like the better person because I was able to forgive him.


I will be having a short memorial for him tonight. I loved my father and no matter how he acted in life, he still deserves his service.


I'm sorry, I really don't have a question or anything, I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading all this. Blessed Be.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
I think you need to do what you need to for your peace of mind and heart.
I think what you have planned is good.
I think you should also plan a gathering in January.
It is after the holidays and family can make plans in advance.
Gather at a favorite restaurant of his OR what I do is plan a meal that you know he would have loved and invite family over for dinner.
Talk about some of the things you all did, places you went. Tell the grandkids that this would have been grandpas favorite meal. Tell little "Billy" that he looks just like grandpa when he smiles the way he just did. tell "Sue" that she has his eyes. (I do this and even now I will catch the grandkids saying.."Oh, grandpa would have liked that")
I am sorry for your loss and the many many people that lost friends and family during the past year when gatherings were not possible. I have said before funerals are not for the dead, they are for the ones left behind and they are an important part of the grief process.
((hugs))
(1)
Report

Very recently I drove by a cemetery near me, and was surprised to see an almost overwhelmingly beautiful sight.

There, in full uniform were a very small contingent of perhaps 7-10 handsome people in full dress uniform, honoring the passing of a person in the military, his identity unknown to me, but affording me the ability to acknowledge him with my admiration and respect.

There was a bugler, a gentleman respectfully overseeing the ceremony, and the others were attending to the space by the grave.

I was totally struck by the peace and obvious sincerity of those who were there. I keep that observation in my memory.

Although I’ve read this just today, I salute your efforts too. You did exactly as he wanted done. No one can ask for anything more. Thank you for your kindness to him. You are a good child to your father.
(1)
Report

I'm sorry for your loss and all you’re going through.

Was the VA or a local VFW involved with the service at the funeral home? If so, did that end their involvement?

The reason I’m asking is I’m thinking that if you contact a local VFW and explain what your dad, and you also, wanted for a service, they may consider doing an outdoor military service for your dad.

As a vet myself I appreciate what you are doing. God Bless!!
(1)
Report

You know what? I admire your honesty. I don’t think that you are being delusional in any way. You have acknowledged his characteristics that you weren’t fond of. My dear grandmother used to say that we all have good and bad characteristics inside us. She was right. No one is perfect.

I struggled with my relationship with my oldest brother that I cared for. Like your dad, he had his flaws. He also had love in his heart. That is what I choose to remember the most about his life.

You can still love and remember your dad and dislike some of his actions. You have a beautiful heart that forgave him. Be proud of that. I know that your own private memorial will be meaningful to you. Your dad would be proud and he will be there in spirit. I can tell that he lives in your heart just as my brother does with me.

I am very sorry for your loss. Many hugs and take care.
(1)
Report

You wrote: 
"I honestly just can't understand why someone would hold on to their hate after a person died. It makes no sense to me, but they can have their hate, I feel like the better person because I was able to forgive him."

I think perhaps, that for some people, death is a way to let all the accumulations of negativity be expressed, ones that were suppressed while the person was alive.  

There may be less guilt feelings as the person isn't going to know how the others feel, and perhaps they feel more open with their criticism.

I think the issue though is not letting it affect you.
(2)
Report

Lacey, you say that your father was an a….hole, but you may not know everything about the interactions with your mother and your sister. My own father was an a...e to the bitter end, and even if it had been possible, there is no way that I would have run around to create a ceremony like “what daddy wanted”. Whether you would call it ‘hate’ is not a question I’m interested in. He could be funny occasionally, but I have no ‘good’ memories of him. When for politeness I let him know of my mother’s death, he faxed me a picture entitled ‘Revenge Pursued Beyond the Grave’.

It’s good that ‘forgiveness’ has worked out well for you, but that isn’t the way everyone feels. It doesn't make you 'a better person', more like a lucky person to find it possible. Do whatever you want to do, but don’t try and make your mother and sister take part if they don’t want to.

Most importantly, don’t let your different reactions ruin your relationships with the living.
(1)
Report

I keep thinking about your post, and wondering why this is hitting your mother and your sister harder than you. It seems that there is something you don’t know, and that’s why ‘it makes no sense to you’. You say that you loved him, in spite of the way he acted. Please don’t tell them that you feel you are ‘the better person’. It’s a judgement that you are better than them, and they are worse than you. As they are obviously upset and want to forget things, this sort of judgement will do nothing good for them or for you. And certainly not for your father.
(1)
Report

I’m sorry for your loss, and so glad you’ve reached a place of forgiveness. That’s a gift you’ve given yourself and an important step in healing. I had to do a small funeral for my dad last summer, he died just a couple of weeks before your dad. It likely wasn’t what would have wanted but circumstances required it. I’ve realized that it was enough, funerals aren’t for the person who died, they’re merely a chance for the living to say goodbye. You’re doing that in your way, which is so wise. Let go the upset at your mom and sister, they too are coping as best they know how. I wish you all peace
(2)
Report

Sorry for your loss Lacey, It is strong of you to find a way to forgive your father and you will have greater peace from that I am sure.
unfortunately, forgiveness is not something all of us are able to do, or even know how to do. I do not forgive easily or know how to, I wish I did. I see forgiveness as excusing someone's behaviour and do not know how to see it any other way.
If you can forgive a father for being abusive, then you can forgive your family for not forgiving him. Move forward and build a relationship with them and respect how they feel. Do not let your father's abuse be the cause of your family breaking apart because then you will have to find the strength to forgive him all over again
Abuse is heavily caused by control.. he is still controlling you all. Let that end now.
All the best
(4)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter