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My Dad who is in memory care with my mom was on palliative care for a non operative intestinal blockage. He came back to the memory care Monday after spending a couple of days in the hospital to attempt to get the blockage to clear without surgery.


He had been with no food or water for about 9 days. My mom slept next to him in their room in memory care during this time. At about 3:30 she woke and asked the hospice nurse if he was ok.. she held his hand and a few minutes later took a few breaths.. then no breaths and he passed. It was the best possible scenario.. just the two of them and the hospice nurse.


I have another thread about the siblings and all the hell they put me through during the last week.. giving me a hard time for putting them on hospice..banding together and shutting me out.. and basically in some ways blaming me for his death.. blaming me for taking them back to the memory care for palliative care.


My mom was able to stay with my Dad the entire time.. of course it was so hard.. just didn't understand why he couldn't have water, kept forgetting what was going on or that he was even sick, wanted to bring him food.


This morning after he passed was so difficult to watch.. It was heartbreaking. Even worse.. she kept forgetting that he had passed.. all day she kept asking where her husband was..when I told her he passed .. she went through it all over again as if hearing it for the first time.


We rearranged her room..it was so sad to see her room without his bed. I hope she finds some way of going on without him.


I am happy for my Dad to be free of dementia and a failing body...now he is free and healthy...Fly away my sweet father... I love you and will miss you so much.

I am so sorry for your loss.
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Katie
So sorry for your loss these MIA sibs and their partners. Why don’t you have a round table discussion and just let all the anger and hurt out. Do it in a public place and if possible, take a friend with you. That way they will be less inclined to mess with you if a third party is observing

just tell them what you think of them. Write things down. Tell them to bug*er off and NO. They will be getting no breakdown of expenses. Exert your POA for you mother over them. Restrict their visits. Tell them to go back home

they smell blood in the water. They are worried that they are going to miss out on $$$$$. Your father has passed so they are thinking your mother may be not far behind. I know these types and how they think.

They are are taking advantage of your grief and exhaustion. Put your foot down and get rid of them to refuel your batteries.

You owe owe them nothing. Remember. Take your devotion and care you put towards your father and now your mother and turn it into strength and armour.
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My step dad passed 4/19 after dementia , 3 strokes , PEG tube , 8 mo in a nursing home trapped in a mind and body of torture . My mom , with dementia, everyday thinking he is going to get better and come home . Prayers for you and your family . Thankful that our dads have peace . Preparing for the battle of moms final years and dementia progression .
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katiekay, I just read your questions and some of the answers. I've been busy with my aunt's and BIL deaths, and one funeral.  But I am so sorry for your loss.  Your Dad may be at peace, but the loss will hit you in waves.  You must also be pre-grieving your Mom's losses, and worried about her.  Then there's the loss of siblings, and trying to deal with their insanity. I find that people who are able to make us feel miserable are feeling that way themselves, but pushing it on others instead of doing what they need to grow up.  I have to remember that as I now go through planning the ash dispersal and setting the plaque next to her husband's.  I was questioned by family about why Rose was on palliative care and not in the ER.  Luckily, she had filled out her requests on her advanced directive early.  Hang in there, take care of yourself, be with caring people as much as possible.  Caregiver groups and/or grievance groups are very helpful.  I wish you well.  (((HUGS)))
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Katiekay, you wrote "so basically they want me to provide a detailed report of how money is spent to MIA sibs who dont even call and inquire about mom n dad, dont call, dont send cards , gifts, letters...or even texts... dont even ask whether my parents are alive or dead for years at a time."

You tell them exactly that, and then tell them to "F'-Off"! , that you asked for help, they didn't respond or feel any responsibility, and that you were too damn busy and tired to beg anymore, and that you are not responsible for providing them a money report on Mom and Dad's funds, as that is private information and that You are their POA, not them!

What they are doing is plain and simple "the blame game", because they are Guilty of being A**holes, and are trying to shift the blame on you.

Do not be taken in by them, what they are doing is Wrong, and it will eventually bite them in the A**. I believe it is all coming down to money, as they fear their supposed "inheritance" might be affected. It's all Crazy talk, so don't pay Any attention to it. Nobody is guaranteed an Inheritance, and most of us will never see one. You have been doing this our of Love, where were they, oh that's right, Absent! Again, F'-Off!

Can you tell this makes my blood boil, Lol!? Yes, we had deadbeat family members too! Got to love it! Not!

I hope you can find Some rest it today, now that they have taken Mother for a drive, which was stupid, but let them figure it out. I just hope that they don't get up to any banking/ lawyer shenanigans, so be on the lookout for that type of BS.

As for the "readiness" of the lake house, don't feel guilty, as you had No Time to deal with that, Where Were They, that they couldn't stop up and take care of it, Uhhuh, their heads were up their selfish butts! Not your problem, you had enough to do!

Take care, and come back often for friendship and support! Hugs!
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Katie Kay, I'm so sorry for your loss.

When do you expect them all back from the lake house?

These people are idiots. I just don't know what else to say. Yes, your mother needs fresh air and a change of scene. No, you don't take a traumatised and confused (and probably exhausted) older lady back to a home she hasn't set foot in for five years. Are they stupid? - perhaps better not answer that.

Use the break productively, whether that means just rest and sleep or getting arrangements made, whatever. Is anyone looking after you?
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Katiekay.....im so sorry for the loss of your father. As you stated, he is finally truly free to soar like an eagle, unemcumbered by this physical body that so often betrays us. Take time to grieve, and please seek counseling, whether thru hospice or other. Keeping you in my thoughts.... love and blessings to you and your mom💖
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All the best to you during this sad time.
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I am so sorry KatieKat, my prayers are with you, and I am so glad he passed peacefully.
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KatieKat, I am sorry that your sibs are asking about money. You are the POA and they are not entitled to your parents financial information, period. If they bring it up again you can tell them that you are not in a position to disclose information that violates your moms rights to privacy.

If they say one word about the house and what should have been done tell them I said, "Jog on! You had as much responsibility to take care of that house as Katie did, and since she has been caring for all of your parents solo, you have forfeited your rights to offer one word of criticism. Stop being greedy jerks and start worrying about your mom and sister since it's to late to be of service to your dad. Moms financial status is her business and the POAs business and no one else's. "

Hugs!
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Thank you all for the beautiful condolences.. I have taken much comfort in them.. and have even read them multiple times some are so comforting.
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Update...

My siblings are on the way to the lakehouse now.. with my mom. They were bound and determine to do it and I just dont have the fight in me to fight this battle.. They said ...even the hospice nurse said she needs to get out of the facility and see different sights.. Well...yea.. how about a 20 minute drive and stop for an ice cream in the park... instead of a 90 mile drive. (180 and all) that begins at 1:30 in the afternoon.

They are going to take her to the lakehouse..site unseen.. they haven't been there in 5 years... so I need to get ready for the list of all the stuff that wasn't done that should be done.

Also mom was very agitated last night... I'm sure losing dad .. and all the aggressive talk of the lake house right before bed did not help. She didn't sleep last night.. so I can only imagine what tonight will bring.

Also.. I went in the car with my sister in law and she started defending my sibs actions and saying how left out they feel.. that I am just not keeping them up to date.. how are they supposed to trust me.. (and I think they are referring to $$$). so basically they want me to provide a detailed report of how money is spent to MIA sibs who dont even call and inquire about mom n dad, dont call, dont send cards , gifts, letters...or even texts... dont even ask whether my parents are alive or dead for years at a time.

I told her all this.. and she acted like it never even occurred to her before. I dont think they deserve any accounting of funds when they dont lift a finger to help me. She was presenting it as if it was my fault for not asking for help.. and not involving them...

There have been so many times when I have BEGGED for help.. all this just gets forgotten.. and in their minds.. THEY are the ones who are wronged.

Good thing I took something to calm me or I would have been beyond furious right now.
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You have my deepest sympathy, Katiekay. May your dad's memory be a blessing to you. Peace.
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Katiekay, I’m so sorry at your Dads passing. You were and are a devoted daughter, dealing lovingly with their struggles while trying to fend off the twisted sisters. Just remember nothing has to be decided right now. It sometimes feels like everything has to be decided or accomplishes Right Now but that’s not true. Ashes keep. Be kind to yourself. I wouldn’t make any decisions until you’re emotionally ready. You can get the ashes back or tell the funeral home to keep them until you’re ready. My mom passed last Monday, but I’m not going to do anything with the ashes until the weather is better here. That also will give me time to perfect my plan. If you do eventually decide to sprinkle them at the lake house, it may give you time to make a trip there and maybe get it more presentable or hire a service to do it, if that would take some pressure off you. Your Mom does not have to make a trip out there Right Now! There is no rush. Keep telling everyone that. Be kind to yourself.
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Sorry for the loss of your dad, and having this sad situation with your mom. Sometimes I've seen people in these threads give advice to say little white lies when those with dementia ask about deceased loved ones, whatever makes it easier on everyone.

Good wishes for strength and peace to get through the days ahead as you tend to final arrangements.
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I am so sorry for your loss. You made the right decision with your dad's care. And you are right your dad is now free...no more pain...no more failing body...just love & peace.

Like someone said, "you can talk to your dad whenever you need to and he will give you a sign."

Hugs!!
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you miss him , you start talking to him. He will listen. Tell him Thank you for the life your parents gave you. Ask him for a sign. Best scenario, they were together.

AS far as mom is concerned. It will be the ongoing tape loop. Where is dad? Oh Mom, we do love dad, don't we? He is a wonderful guy. Let's look at vacation pictures together. DAd really liked him morning walk (whatever it is),and try doing it with her.

Mom, it is ok, we all miss him. Let say hello to him now, and tell him how much we love him. Then let's go gt lunch

Keep a close eye on mom. please. She needs you knowmore than ever.
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I am sorry for your loss, and hope you find comfort in giving him the best possible experience passing.
As for your mother, I am not sure why she needs to be told her husband has died. There is no upside to it since she will not remember it, and the downside will be her repeated grief. If it were me, I would just tell her he went to work or to the store...
Best wishes!
Rita
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Agree. I was just thinking the same have security remove them and place a no visitors on your mother until they are gone. Hyenas
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Oh, Katie

Your love for your father made me cry. Your words are so touching both for your mom and dad. You are a wonderful daughter. Never forget that. No matter what your siblings feel or said or say, you know the truth and that is what is most important.

To say, I am sorry for your loss seems sort of strange in some ways when a person is suffering so much like your dad. I know you are grieving. as well as your mom.

It’s difficult to know what to say when it is clearly time for someone to leave this earthly world and move on to their pain free, joyful heavenly world. I feel like you do. It was your father’s time to leave this world. I am glad you that you don’t question your decision that was necessary in these circumstances.

I wanted my father to be free of his suffering before he died. It is painful for us to watch our loved ones suffering and wanting them to die is not the same as wishing them dead or anything like that.

It would be nice if everyone could die like my grandma who just dropped dead without suffering, her heart simply stopped. It’s a blessing when there is no suffering.

I believe when there is great suffering, at that point in pain that the person’s soul has already started on it’s journey and they are not in as much pain as we think they are in. At least that is what people have said in near death experiences.

A lot of people suffer before they die. Who knows why we do?

Jesus suffered miserably on the cross before he died and he was completely innocent and had nothing but love in his heart for all of us. If he suffered, I guess at some point we have to recognize that many of us will have our own cross to bear. It was hard for him and those who loved him and it is hard for us.

I Suppose Jesus is especially on my mind because we are in the midst of celebrating Easter. Jesus rose from the dead and so will your father. He has gone to his eternal life, just like Christ did.

I am a believer but not in a ‘preachy’ way. I hope I am not offending you if you aren’t Christian. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t. I totally respect all faiths and I respect people that are not believers as well or unsure, agnostics.

God lovingly answered my grandma’s prayers. She asked for a peaceful death after watching my grandpa suffer horribly before he died.

You are grieving. That is normal and everyone understands that. Your father loved you. He still does, he lives in your heart and wants you to be at peace. I am sure that you and your mom have beautiful memories of him that you cherish.

Take care. Many, many hugs for you and your mom.
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My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your beloved dad.
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Katiekay, I am so sorry for your loss, you are an inspiration to other caregivers on this site on how to do everything right. The fact that your Mom was there with your Dad at his passing is how it is supposed to be in a wonderful lifelong marriage, I pray that I am so fortunate.

Your sisters stirring up such painful memories on this day is so sad and painful for you, it's not like you didn't have enough to deal with on such a sad day, and to dredge these things up just shows that they have troubling intentions, so be very careful there, you may need to pull in reinforcements from your husband or other members of your family. It just is not right to put you or your Mom through this, that's just nasty and cruel.

You (as POA of your Mom) might even need to ban them from seeing her for a time, if they don't quit acting up in this manner, do talk with the MC administration to see how they might assist you on this.

I hope things settle down in the coming days so you can get some rest, and be there for your Mom. Take Care of yourself. HUGS!
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KatieKay ... my thoughts are with you and your mom.
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Katiekay - I am so sorry for your loss and the trouble your siblings are causing you. I can hear and feel the hurt and sorrow in your words. It is heart breaking to watch your mom missing and asking for her life partner. I am so sorry.
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Katiekay,
My deepest condolences on the passing of your Father.
Hugs to you and best of luck.
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Katiekay. I am so sorry for your loss. You did great!
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I agree- u r inspiring:) and if everyone had a daughter like u they'd never have to worry! I read where u stated "finding more things I didn't do correctly", it sounds to me that u have done a very good job taking care of ur parents! Don't be hard on yourself:) I'm so very sorry for your loss Katie. But I think it's beautiful that ur dad passed with ur mom beside him.
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I am glad he is at peace now. So sad that your sisters out you through hell these last weeks.

Hugs
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I am so sorry for your loss but like you, glad your dad has flown away home.
Try to rest. Hugs for you and mom
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I am sorry for your loss, but your attitude is inspiring.

Hugs to you and mom and may God give you grieving mercies and comfort during this time.
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