Mum has no memory at all, yet lives unsupervised.

I don't live in Australia but there must be a way to have a social worker come out to evaluate your mother. We have the Area Agency on Aging here in the US to protect the elderly and offer different services.

You have raised a good point. Mum's confusion is now so bad she forces me to spend a whole day answering the same old question over and over and over again. She keeps loosing things and doesn't know how to cook or anything any more. But, because I live in the next door flat, I am forced to be her sole carer as that is what she wants. Its got to the stage where I am very seriously considering suicide .

I wish there was a quick fool proof way to commit suicide as my life is beyond unbearable. I have no rest day or night and I can't take it anymore

Why don't you get a job and then report the fact to your local agency that she is spending the day all alone without any supervision and they should provide someone to come in and help her.

bast1965 you get on the phone now and call any emergency hotline you can fine. Here in the states you could call 911 I believe in AU it is 000. They will find you help. There has to be services available to help your Mother.

No where is it written you have to give up everything to take care of your parent. Please call for help now! You are a valuable person and deserve to have a happy life; but you have to take that first step and make a phone call.

I am praying for you!

~Bast, I agree with littltonway. Call a crisis hotline now. If you are struggling then you have to think of yourself first! ~Summer

Thanks. I am in touch with a nurse at one of the main hospitals here and she has organized for mum to be seen by a geriatrician tomorrow.

That's great Bast! Things can sometimes look bleek but making the move to find help for your mother and/or yourself will usually lead you down the right road. I'm glad your still here..:)
~Summer

mum has now been assessed as having alarming memory problems, but because mum wants help from no one but me, I am forced to keep caring alone for her.

Today is Saturday. Mum has very vague if any memory of yesterdays trip to the Repat for consultations. She has no memory at all of spending from 11:30am to 9:30pm yesterday trying to grasp that she has another appointment at noon on Wednesday and has to fast from 10:00am that day.

Mum spent another 20 plus minutes today trying to understand and write down that she has an appointment at noon on Wednesday and must fast from 10. Straight after, mum had no memory at all of doing it.

Last night, mums memory and confusion were so bad, I panicked and called the ambulance but they refused to take mum to hospital as mum did not want to go.

Today, mum has no memory at all, but does not realize it.

This situation is dangerous - and very tiring for me - I had another near sleepless night last night.

The law here in south Australia says the patient has the final say. So I am literally trapped into being mums sole carer in spite of the fact I am medically unfit and all this stress and pressure will take decades off my life.

Seek the advice of an elder law attorney. Maybe you can get your mom have a DPOA (durable power of attorney) written.

Can you not get Power of Attorney? Do you have money or does your mum have money to hire someone to come in and help take care of her? What about assisted living or a nursing home? What about the churches in your area - can they be of support? You need to talk to someone in your community that can lead you in the direction of agencies that can help your mother as she is not able to take care of herself anymore. There must be others in your same situation that can give you advice. I will be praying for you too.

Thanks. Mum has another appointment at noon this Wednesday for more tests. On Friday, she spent from 11:30am to 9:30pm going round and round in circles trying to grasp she has an appointment at noon on Wednesday and must fast from 10am. Her memory took a turn for the worst - she simply had no memory - each time she asked me and I answered, it was like telling her for the very first time. Out of desperation, I called for an ambulance, but they refused to take mum to hospital - in spite of the fact mum had no memory of going to the Repat that morning. Mum said she didn't want to go to hospital, so they didn't take her. The ambos said that if mum had a fractured hip, they would just leave her there if she said she did not want to go to hospital. The ambos then coerced mum into signing a statement that she indemnifies the ambulance company from any legal action if anything happens and they coerced me into witnessing mums signature. So, looks like I am trapped into having to handle mums dementia alone.

given that mum has caused harm to the neighbors cat, I can't understand why our doctors here won't admit mum. It seems that all our doctors and nurses do is just run tests and fill out pieces of paper and then arrange more appointments for more tests at a later date. This adds to mums confusion which forces me to spend hours and hours of each day with mum answering the same questions over and over again.

my life has become an unbearable nightmare

In your shoes I would drive mom, with no id on her to local emergency room and drop her off. And walk out.

Alternatively, take yourself to local er as suicidally depressed. Call 911 and tell them that mom is alone and a danger to herself and others. Or tell sw at hospital that you check yourself into that mom is alone and needs care. Point is SAVE YOURSELF. Think about it. What would happen to mom if you were no longer there?

I don't have a car or license but I could tell mums doctors and nurses that I feel suicidal - I may have to tell some good porkies

Are there cabs in Australia? I don't mean to say that you have to drive yourself.

No you cannot be forced to take care of her. She is incompetent and should be declared so by the nearest Family Court magistrate. Incompetent people have Guardians appointed to make decisions for them. If you have a social worker, ask her to get it done.

Pretty extreme circumstances! I am so thankful for this community
(©2014 AgingCare, LLC All rights reserved), where we can share, support, vent and take comfort in knowing we are not alone in situations such as yours. If it is so bad to the point you are considering suicide, I urge you to seek emergency treatment and fast. I would also suggest that you seek out legal advise since you have more than reported all these living conditions, instabilities and overwhelming mental duress and have been forced a caregivers position upon you, that clearly is beyond your limits and abilities! Sometimes, it really does take trained professionals, special tools, skills, and the right facilities to provide safety, and treatment in order to give the required proper care for those in need. I hope the right relief at the right time comes to both YOU and your Mum that you may have a better way of life, peace and happiness, whether you remain together or apart...

Finally, yesterday, mum was admitted to hospital for observation and tests, after which will follow an ACAT assessment - the doctor has finally admitted mum needs to be in high care - they've found mum is much worse than I realized. And I still can't understand why the ambulance refused to take mum to hospital last Friday night and TOLD ME OFF for wasting their time. I'd love to report them to all the TV stations current affairs shows

That's wonderful news! How did you it done?

First, several weeks ago, I told the doctor that if a tragedy, ie, a fire broke out, my neighbors would lodge class action against him. He then referred mum to a geriatric specialist. She and the nurse found a hospital bed for mum where mum will be observed for a few days before granting ACAT assessment . The doctor now thinks mum should be in high care and not sent home - that is my biggest fear - that mum will be sent home - and I can't take any more of it - I've already been through 13 years of it - first with my late fathers dementia - then my mother - and I can't take any more.

what do you suppose your suggest I do if mum does get sent home again - I just can't cope

Bast, you could have yourself admitted to the hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. They would then determine that you are not able to care for mom, which would also help with getting her placed somewhere.

Certainly worth a consideration. Thanks. Hope it doesn't come to that. But if it does, then I will tell the doctors that I can't cope and I'll even tell the doctors that prior to mums hospital stay, things got so bad that I did plan a suicide - hopefully that'll do the trick.

I was reading through this whole thing and wondering what to say and then I saw the last post ... and I thought ... Thank God ... now she will get help. If I were you, once your Mom is definitely in care, no question about it? I would seek out a newspaper and I would tell my story. You would be helping so many people by doing that because what they have done is wrong, wrong, and probably illegal.

How could a psychiatric hospital determine that you cannot care for another person? The only way would be to declare you a danger to yourself or others. they make a psychiatric evaluation, not a medical one.

While your mother is away get yourself medically evaluated so you have official documentation. With what you have been describing with your mental state, seems a mental health practitioner would serve you better. If you have any contributing physical health problems than see an MD also. I am thinking heart problems, high blood presure, mobility problems are the types of medical issues that will rule you out as a caregiver.

I noticed your last post has been almost a month ago. Are you okay ?

Its been several weeks now since mum has been hospitalized - officially diagnosed as completely incompetent and in need of high care. The neuro psych and ACAT assessments had to be shelved as mum needed surgery to amputate a toe that was so badly infected, the infection got into the bone. Mum also has severe circulation problems - so severe, that until her hospitalization, she used to take hot pans out of the oven - WITH BARE HANDS - and kept trying to make me do the same. Mentally, mum is classed as very unwell. The hospital has had to take complete control of mums bed side phone - otherwise I'd have no peace at all. As it was, she managed to ring me at my work place yesterday, DEMANDING I resign from her job to be her full time sole carer. I just hung up on mum and got back to what I was doing at work. I've decided to have nothing more to do with mum - as she and my late father way back years ago bought the flat next to mine - just so I'd have to give up work to care for them when they were old. You see, my parents were ultra fundamentalist Christians who are against nursing homes - the daughters have to give up their lives to care, alone, full time for their parents - very unrealistic and unreasonable - so I've decided to have nothing more to do with mum and to refuse to take any more phone calls from her. My mental health is much improved since my last post.

So good to see you are both safe now. Prayers for your continued recovery. We owe it to our parents to get them to safe haven. You did a good job.

I am very happy things have worked out for you.

You've done the right thing to get her into the care of professionals.