Mother told me that I needed to, “Buck up”...

Also, I am not an only child, but I might as well be.

My heart goes out to you and your son. My mother has become egocentric, as well, and disregards the fact that I must take care of my own needs, as well. I think our parents will forever think of us as “young,” but this is far from rational. She calls me at least 30-40 times daily, forgetting she just called. If I have seen her that day and I know she was OK and has everything she needs and then some, I do not answer. If the incessant ringing gets on my last nerve, I take it off the hook so I can have some peace. It makes my husband, a heart patient, absolutely nuts. I am learning what my own boundaries are for my own well being and my husband’s, too. This always seems to be a work in progress tho. I pray you will fond the inner strength to do what is right for you and your son. I know this is very difficult, but our parents have lived their lives. Now it is our turn to take ours back so we can live ours, too. So hard to do, but we must. Hugs sent your way.

Murphy, how are you doing?

YOU FIRST NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF ANYONE ELSE - SECOND I S YOUR SON. I WOULD RECCOMMEND THE FOLLOWING;
1. TALK WITH DEPT. OF AGING IN YOUR AREA TO SEE WHAT KIND OF ASSISTANCE THEY CAN OFFER
2. MEET WITH A LAWYER WHO SPECIALIZES IN ELDER CARE TO DEVELOP THE DOCUMENTS YOU NEED TO WORK WITH YOUR PARENTS - DEVELOP FINANCIL POA, WILL, HEALTH CARE POA -SEE IF YOUR PARENTS ALREADY HAVE THEM
3. MAKE A LIST OF AVAILABLE MONIES THAT COME IN AND ARANGE TO PAY BILLS [NEED POA FOR PARENTS]
4. ARE THERE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS AND FRIENDS AROUND WHO MIGHT BE WILLING AND ABLE TO HELP YOU.

WHO HIRES THE CARE GIVERS FOR YOUR PARENTS AND WHO PAYS THEM?

TRYING TO GET SOME OF THE ISSUES DOWN SHOULD HELP YOU TO LOOK THEM AS CONCRETE ISSUES/CONCERNS/RESOLUTIONS INSTEAD OF FEELING LIKE YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM.

AGAIN TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST OR YOU'LL BE THE ONE NEEDING CARE [IF YOU'RE NOT ALREADY THERE WITH YOUR OWN HEALTH ISSUES.

I once heard from my Bishop that "God excepts us to do are part, and what we can't do that He is waiting and wanting to help us." God knows what we can do and what we can't do. All we have to do is ask Him for help. I tell God all the time, " I will do my part, but God I need your help...please help me Lord. Let me know what I need to do. I ask Him everyday. And I tell myself "let God be God and let me be me". Keep asking Him all day and every day, you will see Him moving in your life.
Point: do what you can & give the rest to God. The bible tells us to cast our cares to Him.

God bless you and help you do what is right for all of your family. And may the Lord heal from inside to out in Jesus' name. Amen.

It took me awhile but I learned I have to first figure out what I’m willing to do, & what I’m not willing to do - and let parents know just how far they can push me. And stick to it. As an only daughter, I was expected to carry the whole load: IMPOSSIBLE!! They must accept help from other sources. You can’t wreck your life because brothers aren’t expected to do anything. Stand your ground!!

Hi Murphy. I can relate here although my situation is not as bad I don't think.

I have an elderly father who expects the same - to be number one. I'm the same got health problems with my wife/kids, young kids etc but Dad wants to be priority number 1.

Tried to explain to him that I'll do what I can for him but I do have other commitments. But is almost as if anything I have an issue with is minor league stuff and is irrelevant compared to his major league stuff.

Whenever he wants something, even minor, his comments are always something like "Can you make a big effort?", "Won't you do it to help me out?" and the classic line when I tell him I've got family commitments "Well they need to be understanding that I need your help".

Drives me up the wall. Its tough because we all want to help out our parents where we can. I'm getting better but its hard.

Dear Murphy24
I feel so sad for you. Buck up? Thanks for that mother..very helpful.
This caregiving thing is just so overwhelmingly lonely and I send you love.
Daisy63

I'm sorry. Sometimes parents have unfair expectations of what should be done for them. I would never expect my grown child to take care of me.

I say get an Elder Lawyer and
if you want to walk away a Court appointed guardian.
They can’t take care of themselves
hire aides for them or any of that
they should be in assisted living
but if they can’t adfird it you can’t be their help due to your own health issues.

I M so sorry you are having this.
Try getting them evaluated but other than hiring a better agency I guess you need to wait until they fall or worse

Listen to all this great advice.  I've been 'bucking up' for 12 years and it's slowly killing me.  A friend recently pointed out that at 53, life is passing me by.  I'm slowly but purposefully starting to put a plan in place to get a life again.  The guilt is debilitating.

Hey Murphy24,
I keep thinking, "pray it up" rather than "buck up". Lord, please take care of this person, son and parents. I pray for peace, serenity, less pain and clear solutions for care. Give strength and hope. Amen

You have it very tough! My parents also wouldn't leave their home and after my Dad died, my Mother had one serious fall after the other. She wouldn't let us modify the home b/c it's over 150 years old. She didn't need help in the house or a life alert b/c only old people use those. The excuses went on. Finally, my husband and I sat her down and told her that the way she was living was unsafe and unhealthy and while we couldn't stop her, we would no longer help her live in an unsafe and unhealthy situation. We realized we were enabling her to live in a dangerous situation and in a home that no longer worked for her. She knew what we wanted her to do to be safe and we respected her right to choose no to do it. Now, she needed to respect our right not to help her.

Within 6 months, she broke her hip and her osteoporosis was such that all her doctors said she couldn't go home. She was in an assisted living/rehab. She said she was going home. We told her, again, the above paragraph. Plus, we told her to call a cab if that's what she wanted to do - it's not a prison and no one is keeping her there. A year later, she's angry no one will help her go home but she hasn't left, either. Some part of her knows this is better. I sleep better, too.....

Thanks, I know I was right about the mortgage, registered as a lien not a transfer, (I'm a retired lawyer), but it's hard to argue when people don't understand.

This is a PS to my full reply a few answers down. Thought I had deleted this, but I goofed.

I know I possibly sound bossy,, even parenting dictating (maybe I got that from my 92 year old mother?), or maybe short on empathy but believe me, I'm the gal on a guardianship journey myself. I can empathize with you, telling you that your only way out, having no siblings, is to take it to a judge.

Your state government should have law online regarding all facets of guardianship (I'm dealing with Texas law that certifies only trained guardians).

Being a trained paralegal and having my form books and the information I have found online, I'm currently the final part - the longest part - the affidavit. Then I'll contact an attorney to ask him questions applicable to my specific case and find out how long the process may take...

I don't have to wish you good luck, Murphy - I know you'll have it.

Well said, 👏 bravo Golden23.

Save yourself, before your health is ruined. Their attitude toward you is disgusting. You are doing wonderful things, but for ignorant & ungrateful people. I'm truly sorry for your suffering.💔 The Lord doesn't want us to be destroyed by trying to do the impossible. Please set your mind on getting free.💖

I would place a call to an elder attorney - mention the caregiver and their greed and the land grab. Ask the attorney about your options vs. your health and the health of your son. It seems there should be a route that investigates and reports back to you. In the meantime, maybe limit the phone calls you answer to one a day or one every other day. Shut your phone off and let the rest go to voice mail? I hope you find a way to minimize their mess so you can concentrate on you health and the health of your son. I send you a basketful of hugs.

AND.... In the meantime, tell them to hire caregivers only from an licensed agency who is legally responsible for the actions of their employees. tell them that you will no longer play their Fix-It agent. No more calls complaints, no more rescues by you.

THEN let all their calls go to voicemail. You need not listen to them. This is tough love, but otherwise your body cannot fight your cancer.

Caregiver Nation on Facebook has helped me tremendously. Learning all these things related to Alz/Dem. Here on Aging Care also I read up. I believe you will know in your heart that a decision has to be made expediently and keeping all your health matters and your sons in priority. My ex once told me, you have given all you can and more. (no sibling assistance) and your Mom has lived a very long life (93) so you should not carry "false guilt" and let her finish what time she has left, with professional persons who know their jobs. I also cannot lift her and she is weighs 176. I am fairly close to the final decision as her aspiration is progressing, and she has had two Lung Embolisms. I have gone to see group homes and nursing facilities. I believe I am leaning for the group home. I can bring Mom home or a day, hours, whatever. With the NF they give you a hard time because the gov't pays them according to "beds filled" (head count)every night. I pray God's wisdom.

Dear Murphy...

You MUST quickly request the court to grant your request that they appoint a guardian ad litum of your parents. The court will grant your pleading and will provide the letters of guardianship to the designated person.,be it relative or professional. A guardian will then assume supervision of your parents' needs.

Don't worry about your parents being rail-roaded. The court will appoint a lawyer who will protect their rights and take the best care to make the decision that best meets their needs.

Depending on your state, some have state-mandated specialized training leading to certification. Otherwise you can have background checks of the guardians with referrals by other children with cared for parents (long-term) to learn if they are reliable.

If the court determines that they Are still competent to make sound decisions for their own care decisions, you will officially be relieved of their abusive demands.

The application will include your notarized statement of your appraisal of their needs supported by what you personally can verify to. You can also attest to why You need relief of this impossible burden.

You won't need to actually appear in court (consult an attorney), so there will be no need to face them as that would be stress you don't need.

No matter what the court decides is needed (based on the professionals' reports) , your parents will understand that you are now out of the picture - they can no longer demand you take care of them.

THEN change your phone number or block theirs. You MUST or it will never end.

Sometimes God's answer is to take care of yourself. God helps those who help themselves.

I pray that you understand that in your deepest heart, realizing that even if you die (be it cancer or a car wreck) that you will be leaving them in good professional hands.

With deepest caring,
OneMoreTime

PS: AND.... In the meantime, tell them to hire caregivers only from an licensed agency who is legally responsible for the actions of their employees. tell them that you will no longer play their Fix-It agent. No more calls of complaints, no more rescues by you.

THEN let all their calls go to voicemail. You need not listen to them. This is tough love, but know it's the best love. If you can, select the agency yourself.

Hi
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. (Talk about testing times. )
I was going to say pray but wasn’t sure how that would be received. Then I read that you are a woman of faith and my heart leapt. I too am going through a test ( cared for mom for 10 years) she has gone into sheltered housing
( you would think I’d sent her to prison )😩 she’s cried a few times and I feel so mixed up but I keep praying and giving the situation to God. He’s coming good for me , I know he is. He’s pushed me to do more than I thought I could handle.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re doing an amazing job, trying to hold everything together.
I will pray for you and your family and please feel free to vent anytime. I’m here xx🙏

If they had competent caregivers, you would not be burdened so bad.

If they hired them then they should deal with them not call you.

Competent workers should know their jobs and perform them, even for dr appointments I think.

They gave burnt you out, and the comment she made when you were trying to explain your position is more than hurtful. Did she forget you’re talking about her grandson?

Give yourself a break you need it. Then come back with boundaries: what you will and won’t do.

If it comes to it, you may have to get them assessed. You can’t care for three people in different homes full time.

I’m sorry, I mean 4 people.

Good luck,
Charlotte

10/06/18

Dear Murphy,

Based on my experiences with my mom, I do not think your mother understands her situation or yours. 

And, it sounds as though you are not in any position to control or influence your parents decisions. 

Your good health is precious.  As painful as it is, I encourage you to begin stepping away from the constant phone calls (for a long while I would get 40-100 calls a day).  

Find a way to re-calibrate where you focus your energy - placing more on your well-being. Choose logically, not emotionally (or with guilt), the things you can do to be of help to your parents. Set priorities and boundaries on what you think is most important to help them with. 

Your mother seems to have no grasp of what is happening and how it affects you. Her comment may have been well-intended (their generation endured a lot, often with little choice).  But, it sounds as though she is cannot see the toll things are taking on you. 

I learned, after years of hurt and resentment, that my mom could no longer see her situation or anyone else’s. The demands she made of me were entirely unreasonable and have cost a great price in my health, my finances and my family’s well-being. 

Show yourself some kindness and find ways to step back. To be brutally honest, dementia and the aging process only lead in one direction - a downhill progression for the loved one and an uphill battle for the caregiver. Your parents’ needs will escalate, and you will want the physical and emotional reserves to help them. 

Pkease take care of yourself. With best wishes to you.

Please realign your priorities and put yourself and your son first. You may need counselling in order to do this. You have to scale back the time, effort and mental/emotional space you give them, and the stress you are experiencing. Your body has said "No," Listen to it, They are very self centered, probably narcissistic, and likely have no idea that they are making unreasonable demands on you.

"I love them, and although they are selfish, I tried to accommodate their wants."

and look what has happened to you and also what is happening to your son. You can't chalk his problems up to then but he must be a priority in your life now. You need to be in better shape to care for him and yourself. Love yourself and him at least as much as you love your parents.

"My heart is broken, and I just can’t live up to their expectations"

No, you can't, as their expectations are out of sight and will continue to be. Their game is to get all your attention, to make themselves the center of your universe. They are not mentally/emotionally healthy people and should not be running your life. Give yourself space for your heart to heal. Distance and detach from them.

Wean yourself off of your parents problems. They have caregivers and are mentally competent, if not balanced, Their monkeys, their circus - not yours,

Other here have made good suggestions. Nowhere does God say to subject yourself to your parents or to anyone, till you have a mental and physical breakdown. . Honouring them does not mean being a slave to them, Love others as you love yourself. He does say that parents should not provoke their children.

I have a narcissistic mother so I know it is hard to deal with the demands and guilt but you can. Many here have done it. You can start taking steps in the right direction now. ((((((hugs)))))

Not so much them, but the hired caregivers that is trying to stir up trouble.

They did do this by hiring caregivers.

Priorities in life?

Minor children, ill children of any age, spouse, self, elder parents.

Your parents were/are competent adults who had an opportunity to plan for their elder years. If they didn't plan, that's not on your head.

Ditch the guilt.

Glad to see you, Jeanne😀

My heart goes out to you. Please accept many hugs from me. Get some counseling if you need to. Monday Morning Quarterbacking can keep us in such unnecessary pain.