So as many of you know I have been looking into getting my NPD mother out of my home. While she helped around the house with chores and bills (much needed) it was her constant unpredictable and explosive temper. Had to call the Police. I've talked to a couple of attorneys who aren't keen on evicting 'mom'. Here in the South, old people come first. I don't have a POA so can't force anything. One lawyer wanted me to do a conservatorship, which means it would be back to my responsibility to vetting a place, getting her on a list, paying for it, until when and if social programs kicked in and the wait list could be 2 - 3 years for Senior Housing. She's super capable so I resent that she is intentionally forcing me to do all this extra work, on top of my job, house, cancer dog and everything else. Now I see she has some sort of barricade against her door and hasn't been out for a couple of days. Knowing how cunning she is and smart, I'm betting she bought a mini-fridge and is keeping it up there, she's very strong, stronger than me actually. She has her own bathroom and shower. She told me I was going to have to force her out and I guess she is taking a stand. Is it me or is this legitimate crazy? That she has locked herself in? By the way still looking for attorneys. No one will call me back. One attorney told me she's mentally ill and no one will force her to leave.
I hope that you won’t mind me speaking frankly.
Your story reads like a freakin nightmare! I took a moment to read your profile and messages.
It looks like you have been dealing with this mess since 2015! Why? Just why would you put up with this crap for so long?
I realize it takes time to process your emotions. Take that time now and move forward.
I live in the south too, New Orleans to be exact and I would never accept the abuse that you have for as long as you have.
Yes, you may feel stuck and you did reach out for help with an attorney. I would speak to every attorney in your town until you found one that is empathetic to your needs!
I seriously think that you should make an appointment with a professional therapist, not a life coach but a genuine therapist that is trained to deal with life’s tough situations because you need to sort your emotions out.
You need to speak to someone who is objective in this matter because you are too close to the situation to think clearly.
Obviously, you need guidance for yourself. You could also benefit from speaking to a social worker to help you plan for your mom’s future.
Absolutely proceed with an eviction. If she wishes to remain locked in her room, so be it! At least she won’t be bothering you. Enjoy the peace and quiet!
I am not trying to be harsh. I only wish for you to settle this issue with your mom once and for all.
Once you close the door on this nightmare, NEVER open it up again and live your life for you!
Best wishes to you.
The whole situation is beyond crazy, but only you can do something to change it. Give her a 30 day notice to vacate your premises, in writing(if that's what you really want), and if necessary(and if she wants your help), you can help find her a new place to live. Oh and by the way, who the hell cares if the "attorneys aren't keen on evicting mom". She needs to be evicted. The sooner the better. You have allowed this mess to take place,(by allowing her to move in with you, when you knew better not to)so now only you can fix it. Quit making excuses and get her out(again if that's what you really want).
You say:
"My mother is mentally ill and has barricaded herself inside her room for x days with no response". "I need for someone to check on her welfare." They will come, they will document her issues. They will be required to set eyes on her, interview her. Maybe break down her door if she doesn't open it. They will be kind.
If they take her in for observation, or any reason, do not take her back. Ask the doctor to order a safe placement for her, such as a board and care.
She will be coming out soon, if even to get her prescriptions filled and delivered. So you don't go to her door at all.
Once again, we are on the same page. I couldn’t agree with you more! Great advice!
Depending on where she lives, the law may require an actual eviction. I would start the process of eviction.
This woman won’t willingly leave on her own. She’s certifiably crazy! Or if I want to choose the ‘politically correct’ term, she is suffering from ‘mental illness.’ Whatever...she needs to go!
If I had to eat canned soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches due to not having her financial assistance, I would do it!
Please respond to our thoughts. Like I said, I really do not wish to be harsh. I only want to help you.
We do not sit in judgment of you. I truly understand. I had a difficult time when my mom lived with me. She lived with me for many years until I couldn’t take anymore.
If you would like to say something, please do. We are here to listen. Vent away!
We can see your message.
Whew! You sound worn out. I am going to try to give you some ideas.
You say that you feel like no one believes you. That is frustrating. I wonder if you recorded her behavior, what would happen? A picture is worth a thousand words.
Install cameras in your home.
I had dogs and cats that I dearly loved in the past and when they suffer it is heartbreaking and the vet bills are very expensive!
Is there any hope for your dog? If there isn’t, as sad as it is, you will have to make the tough decision to put her down.
I don’t want another animal either because it is too hard for me to go through watching them suffer when they get older and having to put them down. I just can’t face that again either.
Yes, live alone afterwards. Take care of you. You deserve it.
How long has your mom lived with you?
What about what Sendhelp suggested? Invite the police to see the barricades on your mom’s door?
"It sounds to me like there is serious hell to pay now. Yes, it will be VERY hard. It will be hell. And then it will be over. She'll be gone. If you are serious about this and get the right kind of help, you will not fail. You CAN do this. But it must be what you really want to do. And you must believe that you deserve a life of your own."
Dear Abused:
Yes, you are abused. Which is an illness you carry, and what makes you stuck.
The attorneys are a fast study, and can understand where you are at now. Sad to say, you may not be coming across as believable. Get help for abused people first. Are you surprised the situation has carried on so long?
The attorneys could do their best to help you, and you, having this illness, would not follow through, would even turn on them and sue for the help they give you. Even the police are aware of these family dynamics. That you are so enmeshed with Mom, you will turn on anyone helping you, as you are afraid, terrified of making changes. People who have called police for getting help can even shoot at the police to 'protect' Mom. Just now, you are asking if it is selfish of you to want to be free, and to live alone.
Do you have the same religious beliefs as your Mother? If so, (and it is not necessary that we know), there are organizations that help a person break free from religious oppression, or even cults. That may be your problem in breaking free? You may think she knows more than you or anyone with some common sense. Enter your mother's known religion name, and add cult busters to research, gather information. You both are adults, there will not be anyone coming to your door to save you from the prison you are self-commiting to.
Sendhelp makes an excellent point about religion.
Please listen to me. Some people like your mother use religion to punish people. This is not authentic Christianity.
You do need to break free from her and her misuse of religion in order to live a healthy life.
I am curious. What was your mom’s upbringing? Was she raised in an overly strict and overbearing religious family?
Your mom is a religious fanatic. She could have a mental illness that is causing her to be delusional.
At this point in time we are concerned about you. Your mom’s welfare comes after you find peace.
If you have any guilt, please remove it. You have done more than your share to help her. It’s time that you begin to find yourself and have a healthy life.
How old did you say that you are?
I am happy to hear that you are not following your mother’s distorted view on religion!
So, are you saying that your mom turns on the charm, the police are fooled by her deception?
If you catch your mom on camera with her despicable behavior, how can they argue with that?
Are you saying that the police won’t do their job as law enforcement officers because they don’t want to be seen as people who bully the elderly?
That wouldn’t be bullying. For the record, there are elderly people who are nuisances, disturb the peace, break laws and so on. They get arrested just like anyone else who breaks the law.
She has explained her experience.
Please read her long profile.
She has a mom that is abusive.
Just a thought...have you thought about getting a "Personal Protection Order" on your mother?
If you got a PPO on your mom than she has to move out and you could show the PPO to a lawyer.
I don't know how easy or hard it is to get a PPO in your city, but in my city it is very easy to get one. Plus, it helps if you were keeping a record for everything your mom has done or said to you. Date, Time, and a explanation of what happen. I keep a notebook of everything my brother and my mother have done and said to me. Also, if you have a smartphone you could record your mother having a fit or even if she is just screaming at you.
I got the Ring on my front door a yr ago; I just installed outdoor cameras 3 weeks ago that record all night because I got tried of my brother egging my jeep and trying to break in the backdoor. Now, it is just a waiting game for him to do something.
Like I said, it is just a thought!! But you may need some proof!!
Hugs!!!
Goodbye.
Time for some 'green hat' thinking? You can dismiss every idea as wacky, no way etc but find a quiet space for yourself to really think. To dream. What is the life you picture - what do you really want?
Is it still this big land? The leaky pool? This house to repair?
Is there another place you have always wanted to move to? The mountains? The beach? A vibrant city?
Do you have a portable job? Able to transfer to another city? What if you applied for work elsewhere?
Or maybe you love where you are? Maybe you love your current job?
What if you sold part of your land?
The part with the leaky pool? The part with the house with Mother in it???
Keep some land & build a neat little cabin just for you?
Working 7 days a week? That doesn't sound sustainable or enjoyable. Sounds downright awful... but it CAN change.
So. The danger to your health is real. Think about options. Fight, Flight or Freeze. You are past Freeze. What's left is Fight on or Flight?
She has been abused since she was a child.
She showed mercy to her mom and gave her a place to live.
Of course she can and should kick her out or sell her home. If she sells, I am sure the new owner won’t want her mom to be included in the sale!
If you were abused as a child and still being abused, I seriously doubt that you would allow your abuser to live with you. At least I hope that you wouldn’t. I hate seeing anyone being abused.
Her mom has physically and emotionally abused her. No one in their right mind would recommend that she continue a relationship with her.
Of course she has rights! She owes her mom nothing! Zip! Zilch! Nada!
Three adults I know had parents who downsized once the youngest child turned 18. Done with care, lots of warning, help to move out etc.
The OP's Mother has not been declared mentally incompetent & there is no guardianship, so I don't think there is a legal reason that the OP must re-house her? Others with law knowledge of the state (filial law?) may know more about that?
Why don’t you offer to take her in?
You seem to have a soft spot for her abuser.
It appears she has mental health issues but refuses care/treatment/investigation into capacity.
If Mother is still in a locked room & there is serious concern for her health (physical or mental) it would be reasonable to call EMS. Police or Fire would be required to force the door if she cannot/will not open ito. I would be pushing for an immediate removal & psych evaluation.
That is a good idea for the OP to call EMT's, that is one way for her to get her mom out of her house.
Abuse IS a big deal. If you have accepted it in the past, or - from the sound of your posts - you are still accepting it, I'm afraid you are in no position to advise others.
But that's just me. We appear to cover a wide swath in how to handle an abusive elder. Good luck, OP, in making your own choices for your own life.
Caring for someone and living with them is entirely different!
It seems as though you have misguided compassion.
Your compassion should go to the person who is abused, not to the abuser!
You can offer to have her move in with you.
Guess I did now, though. 78. so glad to know there are a few "firsts" still coming along.
To the OP, here is a quote I found online which I hope is helpful to you:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram
It's never 'okay' to be abused in any way by ANYONE, including a parent and most especially a parent. It's always a big deal, too, and nobody has the right to mistreat anyone else, for any reason. Don't buy into anyone's comments telling you otherwise, okay?
However this situation works out, I hope you are able to take the necessary steps to relocate your mother somewhere else outside of your home, and that you are able to heal and to move on with YOUR life now. All the best.
I don't know if you are a legit poster or you just like to stir the pot.
Living with your abuser is allowing the abuse to go on and on and on....The Op must make drastic change and perhaps listing and selling her house and moving to a place that is NOT mom-friendly is a good answer. She doesn't sound positively attached to this house--and perhaps selling it will give her some peace.
Of course, tell mom. (Her locking herself in her bedroom is SO a thing my mother would do--makes me grit my teeth to this day)...it's childish and manipulative.
Sounds like mom needs a taste of 'independent living'. Just--are you ready for the inevitable fall out. Let her know you're selling, start packing and I bet you are in a new place by Christmas. Houses in my state are flying off the market. Write mom a letter and slide it under the door. If she won't move when the new owners move in, lucky them!
Think about how nice it would be to live in a smaller condo where you only have to care for your own small place. You do not sound very attached to your home.
The ONLY way to get the abuse to stop is to put a stop to it yourself. If you never speak to your mom again, well, this forum is full of people who don't even talk to their parents. Sad, but 90% of the time, they brought it on themselves. I personally have zero compassion for someone who has abused their kids.
Good Luck--come back and let us know how you fare. we care!!
You have a lot of serious problems here, and unfortunately there are no easy answers for any of them.
You seem to be getting all sorts of advice from lawyers, and it seems to be all over the place. My suggestion is: take things one step at a time, starting with the most important thing. And the first step for you is to decide exactly WHAT is the most important thing.
Do you want mom out? She's not going to change. You have tried, repeatedly, to change yourself - to be a "peacemaker" as you describe it - to no avail. So your first choice is: can you continue to live with her?
You have all the power with that decision.
If your answer is "yes, I want to keep her living with me", then the only thing I can suggest is going "gray rock" with her. Seek therapy to help you learn how to do this.
If you want her out: you NEED to contact an attorney who is an expert at Tennessee eviction laws. Here in NY, if you reside in a place in excess of 30 days - regardless whether you pay rent or not - you are considered a resident, and therefore cannot be "thrown" out. If someone changes the locks on you, turns off your utilities, etc. it's an unlawful eviction - a misdemeanor with up to 1 year in jail. Squatters have had to be evicted from abandoned, derelict buildings because they were able to prove (through receiving mail, etc) they resided there for over 30 days. So before you get yourself into a heap of legal trouble, find an attorney.
Keep scrupulous notes on her behavior and treatment of you. Go back as far as you can remember specifics. As far as "they don't want to evict an elderly lady" - the attorney you hire works for YOU, not her. If need be, remind them of that fact.
Selling the house from under her sounds like a great idea - but I don't know how legally feasible that is - again, with squatter rights. We might be in a seller's market, but I doubt there are many people looking to buy a home if it means they're going to have to go through eviction proceedings. And, depending on the laws of your state, selling the house might not be enough to force her out. Now, if it is, and you have no love for this house, it's probably the easiest way to sever your relationship with her.
If you sell - move. Leave no forwarding address. Cut ties. They can only follow you if they know where you live. If they find you, don't allow them in. If they show up on your doorstep, call the police. Once they're in, it's more difficult; if you never allow them in and they try and force the issue, they're burglars.
Either way-whatever you decide - my friend, you need to seek therapy. You know how she's treating you is wrong and abusive, you know you shouldn't keep taking care of mom - what you need is a strategy to move these from thoughts to deeds. You need an exit plan all the way around, or nothing will change. And you need something to change, big time, for your physical and mental well being.
You tried to be a dutiful daughter. You tried your best, at the expense of finances, relationships, and personal health and well-being. You owe nothing to anyone anymore except yourself. The first thing you need to do is give yourself permission to be done with the whole twisted situation. Then find the help you need to remove yourself from it.
(((hugs))) and best wishes!