Mom seems to have barricaded herself in her room

I am terribly that you are struggling with all of this.

I hope that you won’t mind me speaking frankly.

Your story reads like a freakin nightmare! I took a moment to read your profile and messages.

It looks like you have been dealing with this mess since 2015! Why? Just why would you put up with this crap for so long?

I realize it takes time to process your emotions. Take that time now and move forward.

I live in the south too, New Orleans to be exact and I would never accept the abuse that you have for as long as you have.

Yes, you may feel stuck and you did reach out for help with an attorney. I would speak to every attorney in your town until you found one that is empathetic to your needs!

I seriously think that you should make an appointment with a professional therapist, not a life coach but a genuine therapist that is trained to deal with life’s tough situations because you need to sort your emotions out.

You need to speak to someone who is objective in this matter because you are too close to the situation to think clearly.

Obviously, you need guidance for yourself. You could also benefit from speaking to a social worker to help you plan for your mom’s future.

Absolutely proceed with an eviction. If she wishes to remain locked in her room, so be it! At least she won’t be bothering you. Enjoy the peace and quiet!

I am not trying to be harsh. I only wish for you to settle this issue with your mom once and for all.

Once you close the door on this nightmare, NEVER open it up again and live your life for you!

Best wishes to you.

I guess I am a bit confused about your situation. If mom is living in YOUR house, you have every right to ask/tell her to leave, and if needed a time frame to do so. The fact that you are not her POA, does not mean that you can't tell her to leave your house. You say that mom helps with chores and helps pay your bills,(that you say is much needed), so do you really want her out of your house, as it sounds like that would leave you in a financial bind? Are you able to maintain your home(financially) if mom moves out? How will you pick up the slack from what she is helping you with now? Just all food for thought.

The whole situation is beyond crazy, but only you can do something to change it. Give her a 30 day notice to vacate your premises, in writing(if that's what you really want), and if necessary(and if she wants your help), you can help find her a new place to live. Oh and by the way, who the hell cares if the "attorneys aren't keen on evicting mom". She needs to be evicted. The sooner the better. You have allowed this mess to take place,(by allowing her to move in with you, when you knew better not to)so now only you can fix it. Quit making excuses and get her out(again if that's what you really want).

You can, if she is not acknowledging that she is okay, or if there is no response, call APS.

You say:
"My mother is mentally ill and has barricaded herself inside her room for x days with no response". "I need for someone to check on her welfare." They will come, they will document her issues. They will be required to set eyes on her, interview her. Maybe break down her door if she doesn't open it. They will be kind.

If they take her in for observation, or any reason, do not take her back. Ask the doctor to order a safe placement for her, such as a board and care.

She will be coming out soon, if even to get her prescriptions filled and delivered. So you don't go to her door at all.

Grandma,

Once again, we are on the same page. I couldn’t agree with you more! Great advice!

Depending on where she lives, the law may require an actual eviction. I would start the process of eviction.

This woman won’t willingly leave on her own. She’s certifiably crazy! Or if I want to choose the ‘politically correct’ term, she is suffering from ‘mental illness.’ Whatever...she needs to go!

If I had to eat canned soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches due to not having her financial assistance, I would do it!

Funkygrandma59 said it ALL, and rather beautifully, I might add!!!!!

Abused,

Please respond to our thoughts. Like I said, I really do not wish to be harsh. I only want to help you.

We do not sit in judgment of you. I truly understand. I had a difficult time when my mom lived with me. She lived with me for many years until I couldn’t take anymore.

If you would like to say something, please do. We are here to listen. Vent away!

Not sure if this is where I respond?? But, I should clarify I provide all the financial support in my home. The chores were really more to help the never ending and sickly cancer dog. She's home all the time (I mean home 24/7) and he needs medicines and food every 2 hours - which is very difficult for me to do. He's 8 and he has had one illness or injury after another for the past 7 years which has drained my bank account. I reflect on everyone's advice and I'm sooo thankful I have this place to share. In the end, I may just have to sell my home. I hope I don't have to do anything that drastic. I called another lawyer today and will keep calling. I get the feeling that they think is just a mother-daughter quarrel, not understanding her violent and unpredictable behavior along with her threats. I am not going to take on the responsibility for finding her another place. I called the two senior housing places and they said she never sent the applications I gave her to fill out, even after I offered to pay the rent. After this dog and her ....... I am living by myself. No pets. No family members. Is that selfish?

Abused,

We can see your message.

Whew! You sound worn out. I am going to try to give you some ideas.

You say that you feel like no one believes you. That is frustrating. I wonder if you recorded her behavior, what would happen? A picture is worth a thousand words.

Install cameras in your home.

I had dogs and cats that I dearly loved in the past and when they suffer it is heartbreaking and the vet bills are very expensive!

Is there any hope for your dog? If there isn’t, as sad as it is, you will have to make the tough decision to put her down.

I don’t want another animal either because it is too hard for me to go through watching them suffer when they get older and having to put them down. I just can’t face that again either.

Yes, live alone afterwards. Take care of you. You deserve it.

How long has your mom lived with you?

What about what Sendhelp suggested? Invite the police to see the barricades on your mom’s door?

Jeanne Gibbs had advised in 2015:
"It sounds to me like there is serious hell to pay now. Yes, it will be VERY hard. It will be hell. And then it will be over. She'll be gone. If you are serious about this and get the right kind of help, you will not fail. You CAN do this. But it must be what you really want to do. And you must believe that you deserve a life of your own."

Dear Abused:
Yes, you are abused. Which is an illness you carry, and what makes you stuck.
The attorneys are a fast study, and can understand where you are at now. Sad to say, you may not be coming across as believable. Get help for abused people first. Are you surprised the situation has carried on so long?

The attorneys could do their best to help you, and you, having this illness, would not follow through, would even turn on them and sue for the help they give you. Even the police are aware of these family dynamics. That you are so enmeshed with Mom, you will turn on anyone helping you, as you are afraid, terrified of making changes. People who have called police for getting help can even shoot at the police to 'protect' Mom. Just now, you are asking if it is selfish of you to want to be free, and to live alone.

Do you have the same religious beliefs as your Mother? If so, (and it is not necessary that we know), there are organizations that help a person break free from religious oppression, or even cults. That may be your problem in breaking free? You may think she knows more than you or anyone with some common sense. Enter your mother's known religion name, and add cult busters to research, gather information. You both are adults, there will not be anyone coming to your door to save you from the prison you are self-commiting to.

Abused,

Sendhelp makes an excellent point about religion.

Please listen to me. Some people like your mother use religion to punish people. This is not authentic Christianity.

You do need to break free from her and her misuse of religion in order to live a healthy life.

I am curious. What was your mom’s upbringing? Was she raised in an overly strict and overbearing religious family?

Your mom is a religious fanatic. She could have a mental illness that is causing her to be delusional.

At this point in time we are concerned about you. Your mom’s welfare comes after you find peace.

If you have any guilt, please remove it. You have done more than your share to help her. It’s time that you begin to find yourself and have a healthy life.

How old did you say that you are?

Someone had asked if there was a religious hold over me. There is not. I am not religious. Someone asked if I would turn on the police or lawyer for trying to help, I would not. I am reaching out for help. Police came. I told them I wanted her out and stay gone. They took her for a couple of hours and brought her back. Because of COVID the Sherrif told me they aren't issuing any evictions right now. I live in the bible belt, they don't want the bad energy of evicting what they see as petite, gentle Senior Citizen. She knows how to play the game and be a victim when she needs to be. Police have remarked how gentle and calm she is. Yeah okay. In and between her, I manage a house on a large piece of land, a leaking pool, never ending house repairs, vehicle maintenance, pay all the bills, run the sick dog here and there, work 7 days a week for a boss that doesn't care for me one bit. So I have to juggle mom, lawyers, housing applications, and all that paperwork somewhere in and between all of that. I know it was a mistake to let her in, but she's here now and that's what I have to deal with.

I don't see anywhere the OP has mentioned anything related to religion.

Abused,

I am happy to hear that you are not following your mother’s distorted view on religion!

So, are you saying that your mom turns on the charm, the police are fooled by her deception?

If you catch your mom on camera with her despicable behavior, how can they argue with that?

Are you saying that the police won’t do their job as law enforcement officers because they don’t want to be seen as people who bully the elderly?

That wouldn’t be bullying. For the record, there are elderly people who are nuisances, disturb the peace, break laws and so on. They get arrested just like anyone else who breaks the law.

Hailey,

She has explained her experience.

Please read her long profile.

She has a mom that is abusive.

Abused

Just a thought...have you thought about getting a "Personal Protection Order" on your mother?

If you got a PPO on your mom than she has to move out and you could show the PPO to a lawyer.

I don't know how easy or hard it is to get a PPO in your city, but in my city it is very easy to get one. Plus, it helps if you were keeping a record for everything your mom has done or said to you. Date, Time, and a explanation of what happen. I keep a notebook of everything my brother and my mother have done and said to me. Also, if you have a smartphone you could record your mother having a fit or even if she is just screaming at you.

I got the Ring on my front door a yr ago; I just installed outdoor cameras 3 weeks ago that record all night because I got tried of my brother egging my jeep and trying to break in the backdoor. Now, it is just a waiting game for him to do something.

Like I said, it is just a thought!! But you may need some proof!!

Hugs!!!

Thinking that this issue was already addressed in 2015.

Goodbye.

Police, evictions on hold, attorneys not interested - wow. Lots of dead-end roads. Mother still resides.

Time for some 'green hat' thinking? You can dismiss every idea as wacky, no way etc but find a quiet space for yourself to really think. To dream. What is the life you picture - what do you really want?

Is it still this big land? The leaky pool? This house to repair?

Is there another place you have always wanted to move to? The mountains? The beach? A vibrant city?

Do you have a portable job? Able to transfer to another city? What if you applied for work elsewhere?

Or maybe you love where you are? Maybe you love your current job?

What if you sold part of your land?

The part with the leaky pool? The part with the house with Mother in it???

Keep some land & build a neat little cabin just for you?

Working 7 days a week? That doesn't sound sustainable or enjoyable. Sounds downright awful... but it CAN change.

So. The danger to your health is real. Think about options. Fight, Flight or Freeze. You are past Freeze. What's left is Fight on or Flight?

Put the house on the market, real estate is hot now, so sell it and move. When it sells, mom will have to move and it’s on her to use the available resources to find a place. You move to wherever will be safe and comfortable for you and put a stop to this. No more of your money going to her. This will likely require more bravery than anything you’ve ever done, but it sure beats continuing in this quagmire. I also live in the South, none of us are forced to live with anyone we don’t wish to live with. Don’t discuss it with your mother, at all. She’ll see the for sale sign in the yard. Changing your life for the better will feel great

Once you invite someone into your home to live, they then become your responsibility. You can't just throw them out. It doesn't work like that.

You gave up your rights when you bring them in.

Hailey,

She has been abused since she was a child.

She showed mercy to her mom and gave her a place to live.

Of course she can and should kick her out or sell her home. If she sells, I am sure the new owner won’t want her mom to be included in the sale!

If you were abused as a child and still being abused, I seriously doubt that you would allow your abuser to live with you. At least I hope that you wouldn’t. I hate seeing anyone being abused.

Her mom has physically and emotionally abused her. No one in their right mind would recommend that she continue a relationship with her.

Of course she has rights! She owes her mom nothing! Zip! Zilch! Nada!

I get what you are saying Haileybug but also the owner has rights. If I own my house. I can sell it. Any guests or tennents will need to move.

Three adults I know had parents who downsized once the youngest child turned 18. Done with care, lots of warning, help to move out etc.

The OP's Mother has not been declared mentally incompetent & there is no guardianship, so I don't think there is a legal reason that the OP must re-house her? Others with law knowledge of the state (filial law?) may know more about that?

Basically, mom has rights too. If she has been living in the household for some time, that is considered her home as well.

The law or no one else will force her to leave. Unless your mom has some place else to go, I'm sure you do not want her homeless.

Hailey,

Why don’t you offer to take her in?

You seem to have a soft spot for her abuser.

It is the Mother's responsibility to house herself if she has capacity.

It appears she has mental health issues but refuses care/treatment/investigation into capacity.

If Mother is still in a locked room & there is serious concern for her health (physical or mental) it would be reasonable to call EMS. Police or Fire would be required to force the door if she cannot/will not open ito. I would be pushing for an immediate removal & psych evaluation.

Beatty
That is a good idea for the OP to call EMT's, that is one way for her to get her mom out of her house.

NHWM

OP stated her mother has abused her since she was a child. Therefore, that is nothing new.

With that being said, she still took her mom in. Right? Well then.

So, she has an explosive temper? Big deal .....

At the end of the day, She is still MOM.

It is not a crime to have a mental health issue (if this is what is going on with mom).

I don't have a problem caring for someone with behavior issues.

@haileybug

Abuse IS a big deal. If you have accepted it in the past, or - from the sound of your posts - you are still accepting it, I'm afraid you are in no position to advise others.

Just because someone is willing to be a human punching bag and allow themselves to be abused, it doesn’t mean everyone else has to do the same. It doesn’t even freaking matter WHO the abuser is. What kind of MOM ABUSES THEIR CHILD? Where is the common sense here? Being a parent doesn’t give you the right to abuse your children ever in life. Mental illness is never an accuse, it means you probably have to handle the situation differently but it doesn’t obligate you to stay in the situation and put up with the abuse. The OP needs SUPPORT. She doesn’t need to hear that others are fine with abuse. If someone wants to support abusers, go ahead but don’t come here and do it in the face of an OP in an abusive situation who needs support!!

I have ZERO TOLERANCE for abuse of any kind. Period. It couldn't matter less to me that their blood might course through my veins due to an accidental bumping into one another of a sperm and an egg. Nope. She would be in the ER in a second, were she mine, and I would be doing the old dump thing of "Unsafe discharge if you send her out on her own" and "I cannot physically or mentally care for her in my home. I will not let her into the home if she returns."
But that's just me. We appear to cover a wide swath in how to handle an abusive elder. Good luck, OP, in making your own choices for your own life.

Hailey,

Caring for someone and living with them is entirely different!

It seems as though you have misguided compassion.

Your compassion should go to the person who is abused, not to the abuser!

You can offer to have her move in with you.