So as many of you know I have been looking into getting my NPD mother out of my home. While she helped around the house with chores and bills (much needed) it was her constant unpredictable and explosive temper. Had to call the Police. I've talked to a couple of attorneys who aren't keen on evicting 'mom'. Here in the South, old people come first. I don't have a POA so can't force anything. One lawyer wanted me to do a conservatorship, which means it would be back to my responsibility to vetting a place, getting her on a list, paying for it, until when and if social programs kicked in and the wait list could be 2 - 3 years for Senior Housing. She's super capable so I resent that she is intentionally forcing me to do all this extra work, on top of my job, house, cancer dog and everything else. Now I see she has some sort of barricade against her door and hasn't been out for a couple of days. Knowing how cunning she is and smart, I'm betting she bought a mini-fridge and is keeping it up there, she's very strong, stronger than me actually. She has her own bathroom and shower. She told me I was going to have to force her out and I guess she is taking a stand. Is it me or is this legitimate crazy? That she has locked herself in? By the way still looking for attorneys. No one will call me back. One attorney told me she's mentally ill and no one will force her to leave.
To the OP,
I sincerely wish with all my heart that you get your fresh start soon.
I have been in your shoes. Years ago I wanted to help a friend by sitting with her son. He physically attacked me and I experienced pain and was bruised very badly. He also head butted me. I was terrified! I came to realize he was abusing his mom and elderly grandmother too.
I don’t care what medical diagnosis someone has. They don’t have the right to abuse others!
The worst part is his mom told me that I was attacked because I couldn’t get away from him fast enough!
I am just over 5 feet tall. I weigh just over 100 lbs. He towered over me at 6’ 2” and weighs well over 200 lbs. I didn’t have a chance of defending myself.
So trust me I know how abuse feels. I thank you for confiding in me earlier in the beginning of this post in private messages. I totally understand your situation. I have enormous compassion for you. I wish you all the best.
Walk away as I had to do from my friend’s son. I was the only person that was willing to help her. This young man was controllable as a child. I had no problem with him then. I felt sorry for her because she was a single mom. As he grew into his later teens he became very aggressive! He was 19 years old when he attacked me. He could never be left alone due to his condition. As sad as it is he needs to be institutionalized.
You are smart! You recognize it’s abuse.
I made excuses for my abuser for awhile because his mom’s behavior caused me to second guess myself. After all, we had been friends for over 20 years. We aren’t friends any longer.
I went to a therapist to sort out my feelings. The first thing my therapist said to me was, “You’re being abused. Get out of this situation. This woman is not a friend.” He was right.
I will never side with an abuser. The rest will take care of itself. That’s why we have facilities!
You say in your profile, you have rental property. I assume you are using that as a source of income. Sell it. Take the money and find yourself a small 1 bedroom apartment, as far away as you can possibly afford to go. Then let the house mom is in go either to the bank in foreclosure or to the county for non payment of taxes.
Then getting mom out becomes (one of) their problem.
I won't lie. This is an extreme solution. At the best you have a foreclosure on your credit report for 7 years. I don't know what exactly your financial situation is, but most of us would have trouble with that. And then there's the guilt you might end up with should moving mom out becomes, let's say, contentious with whichever agency ends up with that part of this scenario. Only you can decide if this is worth your freedom from mom and the misery she seems to love to cause you.
Again, I wish you all the best and send (((hugs))).
This tale is a serious & challenging one. I know I personally wish the OP some change in circumstance.
But I'm sure no-one wishes ill or abandonment on an old lady to achieve that - whether sweet, sane, difficult or demented.
Strong feelings regarding abuse have been triggered by this thread. Which is understandable.
Notgoodenough has a really excellent reply. I hope the OP can really read that & take steps.
Detaching from abusers is essential for self-survival & growth.
The OP took her Mother in - but it hasn't worked for a long time. How to effect change? Very hard.
Save your “Be blessed.” That comment comes across in a very condescending tone.
You are not an attorney. You can’t give out legal advice.
I am going to ask you a question point blank. Think long and hard before you answer. Please let your conscience be your guide and try to be totally honest.
Here is my question for you.
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE IN AN ABUSIVE SITUATION?
Any answer other than ‘No!’ is a crock!
You would not want to be abused! No one in their right mind would.
So why in the world would you want this loving and generous daughter who has truly tried to help her mom to be abused?
You owe her an apology. You owe all of us who are truly trying to help her an apology.
As far as you stirring the pot, it surely seems like the shoe fits.
This is the last message that I will type to you because I just can’t stomach any more nonsense.
My suggestion still stands though, since you are so fond of mentally ill abusers, then please offer your assistance by caring for the OP’s mother.
Then you will be the one who will be abused and be crying out for help and I am sure that you wouldn’t like it if someone tells you that she has rights to do as she pleases with you.
Please speak to someone that can help you find empathy for the abused person and not the abuser, you need professional help. Speak to a therapist.
I am not trying to be cruel to you. I sincerely want you to seek help. Maybe then you will see that you are wrong in this matter so you won’t continue to badger people who come to this forum for help.
I haven’t seen one single person agree with this nonsense of taking up for an abuser!
This kind of posting where someone takes up for an abuser honestly turns my stomach.
The mother is an abuser and one way or another she needs to go! Whether the OP is successful at evicting her or she sells her home, she needs to be gone, out of her daughter’s life forever.
The OP deserves to live in peace! Period!!!
I agree with Lealonnie! This is a SUPPORT forum. No one should come to this forum for help and be subjected to more ABUSE from a poster. I am thrilled that Lealonnie reported these insensitive posts that have occurred.
To the OP, I am very sorry that you have seen such foolishness. Please ignore it. We are all behind you 100 percent! Do whatever you need to do to remove your abusive mom from your life!
You have a lot of serious problems here, and unfortunately there are no easy answers for any of them.
You seem to be getting all sorts of advice from lawyers, and it seems to be all over the place. My suggestion is: take things one step at a time, starting with the most important thing. And the first step for you is to decide exactly WHAT is the most important thing.
Do you want mom out? She's not going to change. You have tried, repeatedly, to change yourself - to be a "peacemaker" as you describe it - to no avail. So your first choice is: can you continue to live with her?
You have all the power with that decision.
If your answer is "yes, I want to keep her living with me", then the only thing I can suggest is going "gray rock" with her. Seek therapy to help you learn how to do this.
If you want her out: you NEED to contact an attorney who is an expert at Tennessee eviction laws. Here in NY, if you reside in a place in excess of 30 days - regardless whether you pay rent or not - you are considered a resident, and therefore cannot be "thrown" out. If someone changes the locks on you, turns off your utilities, etc. it's an unlawful eviction - a misdemeanor with up to 1 year in jail. Squatters have had to be evicted from abandoned, derelict buildings because they were able to prove (through receiving mail, etc) they resided there for over 30 days. So before you get yourself into a heap of legal trouble, find an attorney.
Keep scrupulous notes on her behavior and treatment of you. Go back as far as you can remember specifics. As far as "they don't want to evict an elderly lady" - the attorney you hire works for YOU, not her. If need be, remind them of that fact.
Selling the house from under her sounds like a great idea - but I don't know how legally feasible that is - again, with squatter rights. We might be in a seller's market, but I doubt there are many people looking to buy a home if it means they're going to have to go through eviction proceedings. And, depending on the laws of your state, selling the house might not be enough to force her out. Now, if it is, and you have no love for this house, it's probably the easiest way to sever your relationship with her.
If you sell - move. Leave no forwarding address. Cut ties. They can only follow you if they know where you live. If they find you, don't allow them in. If they show up on your doorstep, call the police. Once they're in, it's more difficult; if you never allow them in and they try and force the issue, they're burglars.
Either way-whatever you decide - my friend, you need to seek therapy. You know how she's treating you is wrong and abusive, you know you shouldn't keep taking care of mom - what you need is a strategy to move these from thoughts to deeds. You need an exit plan all the way around, or nothing will change. And you need something to change, big time, for your physical and mental well being.
You tried to be a dutiful daughter. You tried your best, at the expense of finances, relationships, and personal health and well-being. You owe nothing to anyone anymore except yourself. The first thing you need to do is give yourself permission to be done with the whole twisted situation. Then find the help you need to remove yourself from it.
(((hugs))) and best wishes!
I don't know if you are a legit poster or you just like to stir the pot.
Living with your abuser is allowing the abuse to go on and on and on....The Op must make drastic change and perhaps listing and selling her house and moving to a place that is NOT mom-friendly is a good answer. She doesn't sound positively attached to this house--and perhaps selling it will give her some peace.
Of course, tell mom. (Her locking herself in her bedroom is SO a thing my mother would do--makes me grit my teeth to this day)...it's childish and manipulative.
Sounds like mom needs a taste of 'independent living'. Just--are you ready for the inevitable fall out. Let her know you're selling, start packing and I bet you are in a new place by Christmas. Houses in my state are flying off the market. Write mom a letter and slide it under the door. If she won't move when the new owners move in, lucky them!
Think about how nice it would be to live in a smaller condo where you only have to care for your own small place. You do not sound very attached to your home.
The ONLY way to get the abuse to stop is to put a stop to it yourself. If you never speak to your mom again, well, this forum is full of people who don't even talk to their parents. Sad, but 90% of the time, they brought it on themselves. I personally have zero compassion for someone who has abused their kids.
Good Luck--come back and let us know how you fare. we care!!
To the OP, here is a quote I found online which I hope is helpful to you:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram
It's never 'okay' to be abused in any way by ANYONE, including a parent and most especially a parent. It's always a big deal, too, and nobody has the right to mistreat anyone else, for any reason. Don't buy into anyone's comments telling you otherwise, okay?
However this situation works out, I hope you are able to take the necessary steps to relocate your mother somewhere else outside of your home, and that you are able to heal and to move on with YOUR life now. All the best.
Guess I did now, though. 78. so glad to know there are a few "firsts" still coming along.
Caring for someone and living with them is entirely different!
It seems as though you have misguided compassion.
Your compassion should go to the person who is abused, not to the abuser!
You can offer to have her move in with you.
But that's just me. We appear to cover a wide swath in how to handle an abusive elder. Good luck, OP, in making your own choices for your own life.
Abuse IS a big deal. If you have accepted it in the past, or - from the sound of your posts - you are still accepting it, I'm afraid you are in no position to advise others.
That is a good idea for the OP to call EMT's, that is one way for her to get her mom out of her house.
It appears she has mental health issues but refuses care/treatment/investigation into capacity.
If Mother is still in a locked room & there is serious concern for her health (physical or mental) it would be reasonable to call EMS. Police or Fire would be required to force the door if she cannot/will not open ito. I would be pushing for an immediate removal & psych evaluation.
Why don’t you offer to take her in?
You seem to have a soft spot for her abuser.
Three adults I know had parents who downsized once the youngest child turned 18. Done with care, lots of warning, help to move out etc.
The OP's Mother has not been declared mentally incompetent & there is no guardianship, so I don't think there is a legal reason that the OP must re-house her? Others with law knowledge of the state (filial law?) may know more about that?
She has been abused since she was a child.
She showed mercy to her mom and gave her a place to live.
Of course she can and should kick her out or sell her home. If she sells, I am sure the new owner won’t want her mom to be included in the sale!
If you were abused as a child and still being abused, I seriously doubt that you would allow your abuser to live with you. At least I hope that you wouldn’t. I hate seeing anyone being abused.
Her mom has physically and emotionally abused her. No one in their right mind would recommend that she continue a relationship with her.
Of course she has rights! She owes her mom nothing! Zip! Zilch! Nada!
Time for some 'green hat' thinking? You can dismiss every idea as wacky, no way etc but find a quiet space for yourself to really think. To dream. What is the life you picture - what do you really want?
Is it still this big land? The leaky pool? This house to repair?
Is there another place you have always wanted to move to? The mountains? The beach? A vibrant city?
Do you have a portable job? Able to transfer to another city? What if you applied for work elsewhere?
Or maybe you love where you are? Maybe you love your current job?
What if you sold part of your land?
The part with the leaky pool? The part with the house with Mother in it???
Keep some land & build a neat little cabin just for you?
Working 7 days a week? That doesn't sound sustainable or enjoyable. Sounds downright awful... but it CAN change.
So. The danger to your health is real. Think about options. Fight, Flight or Freeze. You are past Freeze. What's left is Fight on or Flight?
Goodbye.
Just a thought...have you thought about getting a "Personal Protection Order" on your mother?
If you got a PPO on your mom than she has to move out and you could show the PPO to a lawyer.
I don't know how easy or hard it is to get a PPO in your city, but in my city it is very easy to get one. Plus, it helps if you were keeping a record for everything your mom has done or said to you. Date, Time, and a explanation of what happen. I keep a notebook of everything my brother and my mother have done and said to me. Also, if you have a smartphone you could record your mother having a fit or even if she is just screaming at you.
I got the Ring on my front door a yr ago; I just installed outdoor cameras 3 weeks ago that record all night because I got tried of my brother egging my jeep and trying to break in the backdoor. Now, it is just a waiting game for him to do something.
Like I said, it is just a thought!! But you may need some proof!!
Hugs!!!
She has explained her experience.
Please read her long profile.
She has a mom that is abusive.
I am happy to hear that you are not following your mother’s distorted view on religion!
So, are you saying that your mom turns on the charm, the police are fooled by her deception?
If you catch your mom on camera with her despicable behavior, how can they argue with that?
Are you saying that the police won’t do their job as law enforcement officers because they don’t want to be seen as people who bully the elderly?
That wouldn’t be bullying. For the record, there are elderly people who are nuisances, disturb the peace, break laws and so on. They get arrested just like anyone else who breaks the law.
Sendhelp makes an excellent point about religion.
Please listen to me. Some people like your mother use religion to punish people. This is not authentic Christianity.
You do need to break free from her and her misuse of religion in order to live a healthy life.
I am curious. What was your mom’s upbringing? Was she raised in an overly strict and overbearing religious family?
Your mom is a religious fanatic. She could have a mental illness that is causing her to be delusional.
At this point in time we are concerned about you. Your mom’s welfare comes after you find peace.
If you have any guilt, please remove it. You have done more than your share to help her. It’s time that you begin to find yourself and have a healthy life.
How old did you say that you are?
"It sounds to me like there is serious hell to pay now. Yes, it will be VERY hard. It will be hell. And then it will be over. She'll be gone. If you are serious about this and get the right kind of help, you will not fail. You CAN do this. But it must be what you really want to do. And you must believe that you deserve a life of your own."
Dear Abused:
Yes, you are abused. Which is an illness you carry, and what makes you stuck.
The attorneys are a fast study, and can understand where you are at now. Sad to say, you may not be coming across as believable. Get help for abused people first. Are you surprised the situation has carried on so long?
The attorneys could do their best to help you, and you, having this illness, would not follow through, would even turn on them and sue for the help they give you. Even the police are aware of these family dynamics. That you are so enmeshed with Mom, you will turn on anyone helping you, as you are afraid, terrified of making changes. People who have called police for getting help can even shoot at the police to 'protect' Mom. Just now, you are asking if it is selfish of you to want to be free, and to live alone.
Do you have the same religious beliefs as your Mother? If so, (and it is not necessary that we know), there are organizations that help a person break free from religious oppression, or even cults. That may be your problem in breaking free? You may think she knows more than you or anyone with some common sense. Enter your mother's known religion name, and add cult busters to research, gather information. You both are adults, there will not be anyone coming to your door to save you from the prison you are self-commiting to.
We can see your message.
Whew! You sound worn out. I am going to try to give you some ideas.
You say that you feel like no one believes you. That is frustrating. I wonder if you recorded her behavior, what would happen? A picture is worth a thousand words.
Install cameras in your home.
I had dogs and cats that I dearly loved in the past and when they suffer it is heartbreaking and the vet bills are very expensive!
Is there any hope for your dog? If there isn’t, as sad as it is, you will have to make the tough decision to put her down.
I don’t want another animal either because it is too hard for me to go through watching them suffer when they get older and having to put them down. I just can’t face that again either.
Yes, live alone afterwards. Take care of you. You deserve it.
How long has your mom lived with you?
What about what Sendhelp suggested? Invite the police to see the barricades on your mom’s door?
Please respond to our thoughts. Like I said, I really do not wish to be harsh. I only want to help you.
We do not sit in judgment of you. I truly understand. I had a difficult time when my mom lived with me. She lived with me for many years until I couldn’t take anymore.
If you would like to say something, please do. We are here to listen. Vent away!