In the meantime, I cook, do laundry, take her to hair dresser and numerous doctors’ appointments. I am retired, my brothers still work. All of her constant bickering has caused me constant anxiety and I would like to run away. She is hateful to me but others love her. My brothers can’t stand to be with her.

Ok. This is from June this year:

"So glad I found this site because you have just described my mother to a "t". No matter what I do, it's not enough. But, she will say that I don't have to fix lunch and then complain later because she didn't get lunch. Everything is always wrong: the bread is stale, is that ham still good, my coffee is too strong....I have to think every detail through so she won't complain and there is always something. The woman doesn't know how to say please or thank you. I am at my wit's end. She is very passive-aggressive. She favors my brother and it is no secret. The other brother, who is very good to her, gets no credit for all he does. I don't know how I am going to be able to do this for the long term. My home has an apartment for her and she fixes her own breakfast. I only see her a couple of times a day but every contact is stressful. I set up her medications and order, as needed, fix supper, and wash her clothes. I take her to doctors' appointments. My brothers come once a week for an hour and it is a nice, social visit. She has lost all her friends and only enjoys a couple of outside activities but not her grandchildren. She watches TV all day and is not interested in books or hobbies. Poor mobility, chronic pain, and poor vision. She has no money for senior living or a nursing home."

Addie, please come back to us and explain how it came about that your mother moved in with you. If we know how you got to where you are, it might be easier to see a way forward.

If that's what you want. Though if all you want is to let off steam and have a good honest grumble, that's fine too. Hugs to you.

And so your brothers do nothing for her?

The 'others love her' thing is worth looking at, although it is a help that your golden brothers actually can't stand her. If your mother 'show times' with other family members and close friends, they may believe her criticisms of you. This can backfire on you badly if you get to the stage of her going into care. Think about a way to protect yourself - perhaps ask these others what they would suggest eg could they make complimentary comments to mother about all the things you do for her. Even if they don't, they have heard from you that they are not getting the whole story from her.

It is heartbreaking for people who carry the load, are bad mouthed by the parent, and then get criticism from the rest of the family and friends. You may not want to criticise your mother publicly, but you should protect yourself if you can.

How long has your mother been living in your home, and what were the reasons for her moving in with you?

Your mother has mobility problem. She doesn't have dementia? Is she with it mentally?

If she is mentally competent, tell her you can no longer put up with her bickering. And tell her she should be moving to live with one of her perfect sons and have him take care of her. Perhaps the threat alone will make her rethink her attitude. If she doesn't, stop helping her with anything, let her struggle. Only help when/if she asks nicely. That will remind her each time all the things you do for her and that she should be grateful.

If she's mentally compromised, you might want to consider placing her in an assisted living facility, if she can afford it.

Another option if money is limited is to hire some part time help to deal with her and her paying for it of course. That will give you some much needed breaks from her and her needs.

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter