Mom (86) lives with my husband & me. I am the CG, brothers visit an hour weekly. She bickers with me constantly, but they are perfect.

Your mother has mobility problem. She doesn't have dementia? Is she with it mentally?

If she is mentally competent, tell her you can no longer put up with her bickering. And tell her she should be moving to live with one of her perfect sons and have him take care of her. Perhaps the threat alone will make her rethink her attitude. If she doesn't, stop helping her with anything, let her struggle. Only help when/if she asks nicely. That will remind her each time all the things you do for her and that she should be grateful.

If she's mentally compromised, you might want to consider placing her in an assisted living facility, if she can afford it.

Another option if money is limited is to hire some part time help to deal with her and her paying for it of course. That will give you some much needed breaks from her and her needs.

How long has your mother been living in your home, and what were the reasons for her moving in with you?

The 'others love her' thing is worth looking at, although it is a help that your golden brothers actually can't stand her. If your mother 'show times' with other family members and close friends, they may believe her criticisms of you. This can backfire on you badly if you get to the stage of her going into care. Think about a way to protect yourself - perhaps ask these others what they would suggest eg could they make complimentary comments to mother about all the things you do for her. Even if they don't, they have heard from you that they are not getting the whole story from her.

It is heartbreaking for people who carry the load, are bad mouthed by the parent, and then get criticism from the rest of the family and friends. You may not want to criticise your mother publicly, but you should protect yourself if you can.

And so your brothers do nothing for her?

Ok. This is from June this year:

"So glad I found this site because you have just described my mother to a "t". No matter what I do, it's not enough. But, she will say that I don't have to fix lunch and then complain later because she didn't get lunch. Everything is always wrong: the bread is stale, is that ham still good, my coffee is too strong....I have to think every detail through so she won't complain and there is always something. The woman doesn't know how to say please or thank you. I am at my wit's end. She is very passive-aggressive. She favors my brother and it is no secret. The other brother, who is very good to her, gets no credit for all he does. I don't know how I am going to be able to do this for the long term. My home has an apartment for her and she fixes her own breakfast. I only see her a couple of times a day but every contact is stressful. I set up her medications and order, as needed, fix supper, and wash her clothes. I take her to doctors' appointments. My brothers come once a week for an hour and it is a nice, social visit. She has lost all her friends and only enjoys a couple of outside activities but not her grandchildren. She watches TV all day and is not interested in books or hobbies. Poor mobility, chronic pain, and poor vision. She has no money for senior living or a nursing home."

Addie, please come back to us and explain how it came about that your mother moved in with you. If we know how you got to where you are, it might be easier to see a way forward.

If that's what you want. Though if all you want is to let off steam and have a good honest grumble, that's fine too. Hugs to you.

Countrymouse, she could no longer live alone due to the mobility issues and not eating right. Lost 40 lbs. without trying last year, still overweight but weight study since moving in. Her dementia isn’t too bad but she has trouble following conversations. She complains about not getting out often but my husband and I seldom go out. She has trouble with short term memory and finding the right word. Her vision is poor but she watches TV. She has now started severe facial tremors but the neurologist cannot find a cause. She wants me to sit and converse with her (which means watch TV). There really is nothing to talk about. She talks about her pain, her hair, her medicines, pending doctors’ appointments. We can’t talk about politics or things going on in the world but she has an opinion about everyone!

Have you looked into moving her to Assisted Living?
She sounds lonely and bored. Or is there Adult Dsy Care nearby?

Hello, have you ever tried using reversed Psychology? Agree with everything she says, because she will continue to be who she is...

This will help you to be more effective and less anxious. Sometimes we tend to focus our attention on negative behavior and comments. She is who she is and nothing you do will change her.

If she says your brother is a good man, and, you know he is not, I would respond with, yes, my brother is a beautiful human being and we both love him very much. In time you will see she will come around. We must have patience when taking care of an elderly person.

It is all in the mindset...

You will be blessed in abundance for all the great things you are doing for your mum. She knows. Maybe she feels guilty that you are the only child who is taking care of her and not your brother and she does not know how to deal with it?

In time it will work itself out...

And, Assisted Living is not the answer. Some of our parents did not abandon us when we were children. So, WHY should we abandon them now. Remember, once a man twice a child...

We just moved our husband's parents into Assisted Living. Was the best thing that has happened in a long time. We bickered ALL the time while they lived in their home. Times have changed. No longer can many families take their parent(s) into their homes. People are living longer and we are dealing with dementia and Alzheimer's with staggering numbers. And in many cases both husband and wife work. In consideration of my husband's parents moving in with us, we knew it would end in a divorce for us, so it was off the table. Doctors, therapists all discouraged them living with us because of the emotional and physical toll it would take on us. My husband has a heart condition. AND they would not be getting what they NEED either, socially, medically, etc. We are so pleased with them being in an Assisted Living facility AND THEY LOVE IT TOO! it's a win win. They get to go to movies, play Bingo, etc.. outings to restaurants, in house hair salon, physical therapy, 3 meals a day plus can order off a menu 12 hours a day in between, laundry done for them, housekeeping services weekly, aides constantly in and out checking on residents and so on. That's what long term care policies are for, retirement money after they can no longer travel. It's for their care. Seeing them enjoy themselves at 81 with dementia makes us happy. We get to visit and ENJOY the time together rather than being worn out and exhausted all the time. We haven't bickered once since they moved to Assisted Living. We know they are happy, safe, receive their medicines and that gives us joy.

Ah, the beauty of the limited time visit. You are there, brothers are not, so of course you are going to be on the receiving end of the complaints and nastiness. (Also, you're the daughter and they are the sons - gender assumptions are alive and well in octogenarians.) At least they are holding their noses and still visiting weekly. And she is still putting on a game face for visitors, while you see her true colors. Any chance brothers can step up a bit more, on weekends perhaps? If they can't stand to be with her, can they at least imagine what it must be like for you, day in and day out? Go ahead, lay on the guilt for them, and thick, too! Six hours every Saturday and Sunday, and tell them that if they can't "stand" that, they can hire someone else. You're on break. No phone calls. No early returns.

Oh Addie, sigh...

I asked why your mother moved in with you. You replied that because of her mobility issues and weight loss she could no longer live alone.

How does her living 'not alone' have to mean 'with you', is the point.

Pretend you're a third golden boy. Or, let's pretend your mother didn't have any children, just hypothetically. What would have happened then?

The options for her not living alone but not living with you are whatever they were before she moved in with you. Why not revisit them?

Why not, indeed, revisit them along with your two brothers? In caring for your mother, there is a certain amount of work to be done, costs to be met, services to be delivered. All you're aiming for is fairer shares.