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No question here, just having feelings about my 90-year old mom’s decline. Nothing dramatic, but she is losing weight and seems more frail. She is happy as a clam after her first year in AL with a new boyfriend, and cognitively better than she has been in years. She has stopped complaining and asks me questions about how I’m doing. News flash! This is not how she has been in years. Years and years! At the same time it makes me sad that she is only now treating me more like a daughter and less like her concierge, I’m also tired of being responsible for her and wondering if she’ll outlive me? Will I get a break from managing her life before my stage 4 cancer flares up and we go through our own hell again? Will I be able to bury her and settle her affairs while I’m still healthy? Will these be her last “good” (ish) holidays? When will that other shoe drop for her or for me?
Ok, thanks for indulging my rant. I know I have no control over any of this and I am glad she is finally happy with her living situation almost 7 years now since my dad died, about 5 years since my brother died, and 4 years since we moved her to my city/state (1 yr living with us before my dx, 2 yrs in IL, 1 yr in AL).

Dear Shirley, your M (like all of us) is going to die. The best outcome here is that she dies peacefully without pain, and that you can live the rest of your life as well as possible. It’s great that she is happy now. Try to be happy too!
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Shirley, you are just doing "real life". As a person who is dealing with my second life-bout with cancer, I can sympathize. I know that thought we are dealing with stuff, whether it is problems with health, with loved ones a generation above or below, or anything else, seems we DO have to deal with them until we are AT REST. Then we don't have to deal at all. Like me, you likely march through the days cancer isn't on the menu, pretty well. But low times happen. And sometimes we just need to SAY it. All the fears that come at you here and there are entirely real and appropriate. And it's so excellent that you ALSO understand how lucky it is that Mom is now in care and actually HAPPY there! How often does THAT happen for anyone with a failing elder. It sounds to me you are handling everything really well, even if there are days you feel like that poster of the kitten hanging on a limb by her nails.
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Hi Shirley, I'm so sorry that on top of helping your Mom that you are also dealing with cancer. The most any of us can do is to work on having peace in our hearts about the aging and "exiting" process. Sounds like a healthy rant has reset your mind so that you can move through the day! You can vent here anytime as you know this is a big "club" of caregivers. May you conquer your cancer and receive the peace that transcends understanding.
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The good news here is that the stage 4 cancer may not flare up again for another decade, if ever. Mine is in remission for 3 years as of Feb, my ex is cancer free for 9 yrs now. And, with every yr that passes, new progress is being made in curing/eradicating cancer permanently.

Mom is happy now and treating you well. You're no longer AS responsible for managing her life as you once were. My mother died in Memory Care without ever treating me well, 1 month before DH got his liver transplant and 11 months before I was diagnosed.

I have learned to live in the Now without waiting and worrying about the other shoe to drop. It drops when we least expect it, and we muscled thru those times with courage and perseverance, as we will again if necessary. After facing my own mortality and being given 2 months to live, then having the cancer treatment work, I feel like I'm able to appreciate every day I have now. Whether it's a decade or a year, I'm committed to living in each moment w/o thinking about the future.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an excellent book that helped me quite a bit. As an only child with 2 parents to care for over an 11 yr period, a husband with 3 life or death health crises, and then my own, it's been quite a journey.

Wishing you strength, courage and less fear (the hardest one) as you strive to live life one day at a time, my friend. Good luck and Godspeed.
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Many thanks for your comments. Yes, it does feel like a big sigh and letting it all out helps. I'm leaning into the good things in my life and cancer has really taught me about appreciating the now. It doesn't help my husband (a terrible worrier since day 1) and my kids (at least they are young adults, not little ones).

I was given a 5 year prognosis but then found out that timeframe was the "median survival" for MBC. I'm approaching 4 years since my diagnosis and I'm still "stable," so yay! But also scary to think close to half my cohort have already passed away. Cancer is a witch with a b! But we power forward, don't we? Because it is better than the other option.
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