My mother had vascular dementia and borderline personality disorder. Once living independently was too much for her, she moved into one ALF, then, another as she wasn't happy in the first one. I had made it clear ti her that moving in with me or me moving in with her was not an option. As the dementia progressed, and she refused to take meds, became paranoid, had delusions and finally was suicidal, she was placed in a geriatric psychiatric hospital until they did full assessments and finally she agreed to medication. After that she was placed in another ALF specializing in mental illness where she stayed for a couple of years until she needed a nursing home. Mother passed last December aged 106 having been in the NH for a little over a year.
You have to protect your own mental and physical health. It is not advisable for the child of an abusive parent do hands on care. I was mother's POA financial and health, but did it at a distance. I am now doing the job of executor and it can't be over soon enough.. ((((((hugs))))) This is a tough one!
My Mom refuses all and any meds and is living in her home with 24 hour care. Family members take turns on the weekends staying with her. She claims she does not want to be a burden but continues to constantly complain about non family member caregivers and now they are needing a day off mid week because Mom is so demanding. She won't bathe or allow anyone to help her take a shower, she stopped brushing her teeth over 3 years ago and refused to go to the dentist. Her primary doctor put her on Celexa 3 years ago and she took herself off of it. When I finally insisted that she see a dentist, she blamed me and him for the very poor condition of her teeth. I set up counseling for her (more than once) and she threw a tantrum when it came close to the time to go. She made our lives a living hell growing up because she was so unhappy and we were told to not upset her.
She is still very capable of manipulating certain situations but her logic is faulty because of Alzheimer's. I am most concerned for my brother because he is her favorite and she calls him constantly all hours of the day and night. She suddenly can't remember how to walk when he stays with her and she has to hold on to him for hours. When the non family members return after the weekend, she has no mobility issues. She has been miserable all of our lives and now when she really needs help, we are trying to cope with caring for her while not being consumed by her toxic nature. My siblings and I are supportive of each other and we try our best to protect ourselves from Mom's attempts to draw us into her negative world. I guess I am just trying to figure out how we can compassionately care for our Mother and not fall into the roles of the obedient, eager to please children (now adults) that we have struggled so hard to leave behind after all of these years. I have been told by two medical professionals that none of us should bring her into our homes to live and that we should not be her main caregivers. I tried to explain to her neurologist that Mom has so much more going on than just Alzheimer's and I tried to explain her BPD but he had no suggestions. It takes a total of at least 7 people to manage Mom. She calls the shots and when she does not get her way, she declairs the friendship you once had with her over and gives you the silent treatment! She did this regularly years before her Alzheimer's diagnosis. Lately, if she doesn't get her way, she suddenly doesn't know who we are. It is very confusing because where does the manipulation end and the Alzheimer's begin. The lines are blurred and it's hard to trust what you see. The Alzheimer's alone is overwhelming for all of us and the BPD just takes it to a whole new level.
You have to protect your own mental and physical health. It is not advisable for the child of an abusive parent do hands on care. I was mother's POA financial and health, but did it at a distance. I am now doing the job of executor and it can't be over soon enough.. ((((((hugs))))) This is a tough one!
She is still very capable of manipulating certain situations but her logic is faulty because of Alzheimer's. I am most concerned for my brother because he is her favorite and she calls him constantly all hours of the day and night. She suddenly can't remember how to walk when he stays with her and she has to hold on to him for hours. When the non family members return after the weekend, she has no mobility issues. She has been miserable all of our lives and now when she really needs help, we are trying to cope with caring for her while not being consumed by her toxic nature. My siblings and I are supportive of each other and we try our best to protect ourselves from Mom's attempts to draw us into her negative world. I guess I am just trying to figure out how we can compassionately care for our Mother and not fall into the roles of the obedient, eager to please children (now adults) that we have struggled so hard to leave behind after all of these years. I have been told by two medical professionals that none of us should bring her into our homes to live and that we should not be her main caregivers. I tried to explain to her neurologist that Mom has so much more going on than just Alzheimer's and I tried to explain her BPD but he had no suggestions. It takes a total of at least 7 people to manage Mom. She calls the shots and when she does not get her way, she declairs the friendship you once had with her over and gives you the silent treatment! She did this regularly years before her Alzheimer's diagnosis. Lately, if she doesn't get her way, she suddenly doesn't know who we are. It is very confusing because where does the manipulation end and the Alzheimer's begin. The lines are blurred and it's hard to trust what you see. The Alzheimer's alone is overwhelming for all of us and the BPD just takes it to a whole new level.
Thank you for listening.