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My mother died a last week and my feelings are so complicated but none of them involve real grief. Unless it is the grief of not grieving. She was 93 and I've been caring for her for nearly 19 years. That is all my middle age and into early senior days. We had a difficult relationship and she was difficult. She was charming to others but not to me. I am struggling to remember when we had good times. Her last words were, "I'll see you in hell." At the internment today it was just me, a priest and the funeral director. As the urn was lowered, I sobbed. Not for her but for what a waste it all was. People are consoling me and I cannot say what I feel, which is....finally. People don't want to hear the truth.

Rosyday, you are not alone in the type relationship you had with your mother. Nor are there set rules on how you should feel, or how you should mourn. I often wonder how I will feel, how I will handle it if I live to see my mother pass on because of a similiar type relationship you describe.

Caregiving is taxing and draining. Over the years you have problably did a life time of mourning during your time caregiving. Break the bond of her last words and any negative memories. And live your life, love yourself. Know that you are worthy of happiness and love. Trust in God, He knows your heart, your pain your road. Let go of all that pain and live. Stay in Prayer and now learn to focus on you and what makes you happy what gives you joy. Embrrace what is left of your life.
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Don't lose hope.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and his name is Jesus Christ.  Others can't console you because they haven't walked in your shoes - they don't have any idea what you've been through.  We are here for you Rosyday.  You've done your best, you've given your all - now it's YOUR time and I pray you find the happiness you so deserve.
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Rosyday, Your feelings are valid whatever they are--you aren't supposed to feel any one way. People who had the same sort of parents understand how you feel.

My dad was mean and callous to everybody, especially his own kids. When he died I felt nothing--just a smidgen of relief that he was no longer taking up space on this planet. My mom is a narcissist and I'll probably be relieved when she dies also. She lies, has no ethics and has ruined our whole family.

On the other hand when my pets die it devastates me.

It hurts to hear that you spent 20 years caretaking your mom but I'm glad you're free now!
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The end.
My sympathies for your memories of your mother.
Rosyday, sorry you were alone in this.
And thank you for sharing your truth.

Thanks for coming to agingcare and telling us about your life.
I hope it can be better from now on, making the rest of your life the best of your life!
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I did not and cannot grieve my mom's death because of what she did to me in my childhood. Others have a different view of her than I do. Just work through the feelings you have part of which may be grieving that you never had the kind of mother that you should have had. You may need to find a clergy, a hospice chaplain, or a therapist to help you work through your complicated feelings. You are not alone.

My dad just died last month, and that is a different story for I have real grief for him.
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I took a bereavement class when I was in ccollege it was a required course. Anyways, in my bereavement class which talks all about death. Here is the two main things I remember: 1) It is normal to feel relief after caring for someone with a long illness! 2) What ever you feel is not wrong; you feel however you feel!

However, if you do have negative feels they are not wrong, but they are not good for you either!

Prehaps therapy would be a good start to unraveling all your feelings & help release the negative feelings.

I am truly sorry for what your mother said to you. If I was you I would make it a point to have the best life ever! I would not let that woman have the last say, and I sure would not let her have any more control over me!

I am with Isthisrealyreal give your life over to the good Lord and let Him guide you.

God Bless you!
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I share the sentiments of "isthisrealyreal' -condolences over her last words to you. She finally has rest so don't feel bad about feeling little grief. You are beyond the good daughter in that you looked after her for 19 years and saw to her health, comfort and well being.
You are free, released for obligation. Rediscover your hobbies, friends and most of all yourself. Practice wellness and be very, very good to yourself!
You have many people applauding you!
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You can say the truth here. Your story is not all that unique unfortunately.

(((((Hugs))))
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How sad, just remember you were there for her and did the best you could
under very difficult circumstances. It is probably a blessing in disguise and
a relief the she passed. Since there were only the 3 of you at the funeral perhaps
others had a difficult time relating to her. So now go on and live your live by doing
what makes you happy. You sound like a very nice person. Take care of yourself.
My motto is if we can't be good to ourselves we can't to good to others. The very
best to you. Don't worry about what others may think. May God bless you. Doris
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Thanks for acknowledging. I just needed to tell the truth to someone.
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You are free to enjoy life
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I am so sorry. It seems to me that it's even harder to lose a parent when you have a complicated relationship. I remember a friend of mine who is a psychiatric social worker told me that right up to the last breath, she was waiting for her dad to do or say something that would make him the father she wished she had and not the one he was. (And, she said, I know better. But I still wished it.)

You can tell the truth here. There are plenty of caregivers who think "finally" at the end. Right or wrong, it's what they think. Be very good to and gentle with yourself.
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I am so sorry that she said that to you.

If you have been dealing with that for 19 years, who can blame you for just being relieved that it is over.

I would have the final say and give my heart to The Lord and not see her again.

Unfortunately she probably put you through hell for the last 19 years. You are free, go enjoy your life.
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