My mother died a last week and my feelings are so complicated but none of them involve real grief. Unless it is the grief of not grieving. She was 93 and I've been caring for her for nearly 19 years. That is all my middle age and into early senior days. We had a difficult relationship and she was difficult. She was charming to others but not to me. I am struggling to remember when we had good times. Her last words were, "I'll see you in hell." At the internment today it was just me, a priest and the funeral director. As the urn was lowered, I sobbed. Not for her but for what a waste it all was. People are consoling me and I cannot say what I feel, which is....finally. People don't want to hear the truth.