I am aware that guilt seems to go with losing a loved one. It seems I had guilt with several extended family members that have passed away, but I’m suffering a terrible amount over my husband’s passing. I cared for him about three years before he passed away. He was wheelchair bound and refused to keep blood sugars in check no matter how much I pleaded. We were married 48 years and have 5 children and 8 grandchildren. Our marriage became a bit trying ten years prior to his many health issues when I went through menopause and lost interest in sex. He had diabetes and thus couldn’t perform. I admit I had little interest in even kissing, though I loved him dearly. After he had heart surgery his health continued to decline.
During the last two years of his decline I accidentally found out that he had been meeting up with a woman that was not only beautiful, but the same age as our oldest child. No doubt at all that the woman took up with him for monetary gain. Evidently he had cut it off with her when his health became an issue. I was very angry and we had it out, but I forgave him and knew he desperately needed me as he was disabled. I took very good care of him and enjoyed his company and we had some laughs, etc. for quite some time. The caregiving was taking a toll on me and I felt so tired. Things got worse and he couldn’t even stand up so I bought a lift machine. As things got worse he had bowel issues, diabetic ulcers on feet, nausea and vomiting. It was bad. We went to ER and they wanted to amputate his leg but his lungs kept filling with fluid. They kept draining them. I was at the hospital around the clock and was exhausted. He was moved to ICU and during that time I sat in chair in his room day and night. He was out of it so I hardly ever even got up as they had a nurse around the clock in the room with us. During the night on the 2nd day in ICU I suddenly had a knowing that his life was ending. I just felt it as no one said anything. The next morning a dr took me in the hall and said he wasn’t going to survive. I told them to remove all machines and they did.
I was trying to make arrangements to take him home to die. He wasn’t responsive though his eyes were open. We gathered around him and prayed and played his favorite worship music. He continued to breathe though not responsive. I ended up in the waiting room for a good two hours talking to family and trying to make arrangements to move him when my daughter ran out and told me to come to room quickly. He died within minutes of me walking in. Now I am consumed with guilt for not comforting him while in ICU and not staying by him in those last hours. I was so tired and now feel I was just cold and heartless. It kills me, He was an excellent husband and dad and grandpa. To my knowledge he had never cheated on me before and honestly I can’t blame him as we got older as I had pushed him away. I beg forgiveness all the time but don’t feel forgiven or worthy of being forgiven. I am a very giving person so I don’t even understand what was wrong with me during those last days to have just been right there yet not comfort him. I am at a loss and just hate myself. I would give anything to go back and do it over. I miss him terribly and beg him too to forgive me. So sad how life goes sometimes. so angry with myself for not doing things the way I should have. I didn’t handle it right at all.