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She was in a loveless marriage and has custody of my 7 year old neice, I'm married with 3 children and I'm a full time student. It seemed like a win win situation. She needed help with my neice and to get out of a situation she felt trapped in and I needed her help with the children while working and going to school. She is now working for a maid service that she hates, after leaving a housekeeping job at a nursing home she hated. We recently moved to a new state and she hates it here to. I feel like in trying to improve her life that I have ruined mine. She was diagnosed with RA last year and is pain all the time. I can't convince her that manual labor is not in her best interest, I know she wants to keep her independence but the constant complaining is pulling down the moral in my whole household. She seems angry all the time and doesn't seem to take into consideration how her words effect everyone around her. In one breath she praises me for going back to school and in the next breath seems to throw it in my face that I haven't gone back to work since the move. I've tryed to convince myself in the last 14 months that they have lived with us that she is jealous of the life I have made. But somehow that feels childish and untrue, and I'm using that as an excuse to avoid conflict. We got in an arguement the other day because I questioned a recipe she was using for dinner, that she wanted to try and received from a lady at church. She is now not speaking to me and locks herself in her room when she is home. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I expected there to be conflict over my neice when they moved in with us as we blended but I never expected her to resent me. She is my mother and I love her but I feel so trapped.

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There's no way she could support herself let alone the granddaughter she has custody of. I have eliminated her financial need to work but I could not support her in a seperate home. I moved her from Georgia to Mississippi where myself and my brother were living. Then my husband got job offer in Texas. She lived her as a child and was so excited about coming back. Unfortunately she has nothing but complaints about it now. I have tried talking to her and to be honest she acts like my 12 year old. She gets very animated and sarcastic. I have even tried communicating with her through writing. It seems we have a 4-5 reprieve and them she is back to locking herself in her room. I guess there is no answer for this issue, I guess I just want to know I'm not alone. My brother is great full for what I have done for her but isn't any help.
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Oh, I just reread and saw it has been 14 months. You should be past the adjustment stage by now. I hope you can work it out. If not, it may be time to give separate quarters a try.
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The praising on one hand and criticizing on another is difficult to take. Since you are married with children and going to school full time, you are definitely working. Who would have time for a job? Just keep doing what you're doing and ignore your mother's ambivalence. Some mothers are just like that. I have a feeling it just means that she isn't happy with what's going on in her life.

Since your mother doesn't really need care, do you think it would be better if she rented an apartment near you? You could still help each other out, but you wouldn't have to live together. Would you two be able to afford to do that? I would talk to her about it if you could.

Another thing to consider is that you may be adjusting to a new situation. I don't know how long you've been living together. The first few months were the hardest for me. There was so much adjusting. If you think this may be the problem, just give it a little more time. If it is still not working, you and she can figure out what to do.
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Sounds like everyone has reason to be miserable at your house. So sorry you are having to deal with this. Have you tried sitting down with Mom and having a non-confrontational conversation about her issues. You might think about suggestions that could make things work better; and ask for her input as well. I am a believer in open conversation. Sometimes it takes a few tears and a bit of anger to get to the root of the problem.

Your first concern is you and your family, especially the children. Did your Mom leave lots of family and friends when you moved? Moving can be difficult for anyone at any age and that void is hard to fill without a lot of effort.

It takes a lot of patience, love and respect to blend a family. I wish you all the best!
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