That's my new motto. "A life was sacrificed, so that another could have a life". My father died when I was 15 years old and that dictated the path that my life would take. My life long duty was to care for my mother. Here I am at 54 years of age and I am still doing it. I never married and have lived with my mother all my life. It was not bad when my mother was younger, but now I cannot do anything. My mother does not want me out of her sight. She is 88 years old and in not good health. I get no help from my sisters. As a matter of fact, I recently "told off" my oldest sister for not helping. She is retired and took on another job and claims she has no free time, even though she is off on weekends. I had to quit my job to care for my mother. I told my sister that she should have quit working and let me continue to work. Her answer was that I could have put my mother in a home......this coming from my sister who has said she fears ending up in a rest home when she gets older, but it's okay for her to say to put our mother in a home. I told her when my mother dies that I will never have anything to do with her again. My sister sees how my life is.....the 24/7 servitude to my mother and I get no help. I get no breaks. No one will help on a weekend to let me get some fresh air. I have told my mother when I die....I will probably become a saint for all that I go through and all that I have done. I told my mother that I have given up my life....so that she could have a life. She does not care about my life.....as long as I was there for her all those years is all that she wanted. Whats happens to me in the end? I've sacrificed so much. Is this fair to me?
"I never had a desire to get married. I have too much at stake in case of a divorce."
Roscoe, what is your money for? You are desperately preserving it. Why? Who are you leaving it to when you are gone? I sure hope they get more joy out of it than you do.
I know it sounds crazy. Looking back it WAS crazy. Why was I never strong enough to just tell her to go "F" off and get out of my life? That's why my name here is "getnstrong". Emphasis on "getn". If you have taken years of emotional abuse from early on, you think you deserve to be treated that way. Only hard work, a therapist, joining Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families and now thankfully this wonderful lifeline has helped me help me assert the rights that I have as a human being to put myself first, and feel that my happiness is just as important as my mother's. It's as if some veil has been ripped off and I can see for the first time. What kind of mother would want her grown child to be a slave and sacrifice their life for them? I'll tell you....a very mentally sick one. And I agree with all of you, only Roscoe can change his life and stop playing the victim. I hope for his sake he realizes he is not "a saint", but a co-dependent and it sounds like he's emotionally abused. Roscoe, the only way to win in this situation is to refuse to play the game any more. You don't have to engage in an argument, just walk away. So many of us have been there, and have overcome. Life is short, and I can assure you, it is NEVER too late to change, but you'll never do it alone. People don't admire your "sacrifices", they just think you are a man who enjoys playing the victim. Hope you have the courage to seek help. Believe me, it is well worth the effort. It embarrasses me when I think of how many years I spent whining about my mother, and amazes me I still have any friends left. I got to the point where I was sick of hearing my own voice, telling yet another story of how awful my mother was/is.
As others can attest, I do get on the pity pot occasionally still, but it's no longer a way of life, but an incident or a need to vent sometimes, which we all do. Well, I hope you listen to the opinions of everyone here. Life is short, for God's sake, don't wait til you're on your own death bed and say, why didn't I try to change?
I completely agree with you, I defended against the pile on but when I saw it only further ignited the vitriol, I stopped, not for my own sake.
Most of the posts are tough love a few are nothing short of bullying.....probably from people who themselves are hurt.
Roscoe,
Web pages are only limited conversations with unknown people, please do seek out therapy to have a more complete dialog with a credentialed professional. From what you described you may have been emotionally abused, you may be depressed and you are definitely overwhelmed !
The good news is these hurts can be healed.
No judgement, just wishing you well
Roscoe, in a couple posts you indicate your intention to never forgive your sisters and to have nothing to do with them when Mom passes...and yet, if you had not needed so badly to be better than them, maybe Mom would not have been so empowered to let her narcissism blossom the way it has. They may be angry with you for taking Mom's side over theirs and helping create a monster. Their refusal to be drawn into your personal hell might be at least as forgivable as your being drawn into it. At some point, I pray that the pain of admitting they might be right In whole or in part may be less than the pain of being estranged from the family you have left on this earth.
You thought putting your mother first in your life was the only right thing to do and you did it. There has got to be some pain involved in realizing that maybe it wasn't. There is no real virtue In refusing to get the help that might let you see the situation differently. I think all of us could sympathize and empathize more with your situation if you weren't so busy telling yourself and us that you have always done the right thing and can't understand why it is so hideously unrewarding but you have to keep doing it anyway. Change is hard because it entails realizing that you were going about something the wrong way before, or that way will not work anymore, or both.
Whether he uses it or not is his business.. and should not frustrate anyone else - God supplies us what we need (vs want) and if we make good used of it or not- that is between the individual and God.. and all those who are able to view or participate will benefit (or not) according to their ability to make good use of what God supplies. Providing care is not about forcing others to accept it, or accept/use it per you own views, but to provide it (per God's plan/guidance for your life) and and allow free will to work (others to use it - or not)..
These thread is not (imho) about Roscoe and what he does or does not do - but about his topic and what others have to add... all good stuff.. enjoy! :)
Don't allow anyone to tie up your energy in time wasting (no win-seeking to frustrate others) games about how they choose to live their lives.
p.s. if it was not clear- this applies to anyone who you may be providing/seeking to help. Three are none so helpless as those who seek to be helpless.. God help them- they will insure no one else can! personally, I will pray for all concerned :) and invest my time where it will serve all concerned/good purpose..