That's my new motto. "A life was sacrificed, so that another could have a life". My father died when I was 15 years old and that dictated the path that my life would take. My life long duty was to care for my mother. Here I am at 54 years of age and I am still doing it. I never married and have lived with my mother all my life. It was not bad when my mother was younger, but now I cannot do anything. My mother does not want me out of her sight. She is 88 years old and in not good health. I get no help from my sisters. As a matter of fact, I recently "told off" my oldest sister for not helping. She is retired and took on another job and claims she has no free time, even though she is off on weekends. I had to quit my job to care for my mother. I told my sister that she should have quit working and let me continue to work. Her answer was that I could have put my mother in a home......this coming from my sister who has said she fears ending up in a rest home when she gets older, but it's okay for her to say to put our mother in a home. I told her when my mother dies that I will never have anything to do with her again. My sister sees how my life is.....the 24/7 servitude to my mother and I get no help. I get no breaks. No one will help on a weekend to let me get some fresh air. I have told my mother when I die....I will probably become a saint for all that I go through and all that I have done. I told my mother that I have given up my life....so that she could have a life. She does not care about my life.....as long as I was there for her all those years is all that she wanted. Whats happens to me in the end? I've sacrificed so much. Is this fair to me?
I know that caregiving is genuinely hard physically and emotionally. It is not hard just because of your attitude. But I do want to comment on your attitude:
"I had to quit my job to care for my mother." -- Why did you "have to"? I don't mean why did she have to have care, I mean why did you have to personally provide it? Did you investigate getting some in-home care so that you could continue to work? Did you consider care center options? Is Mom eligible for any aid programs?
"My mother does not want me out of her sight." And why do you think it is your responsibility to give Mother everything she wants? Isn't what YOU want important, too? You do not want to be continuously within her sight. So why aren't you respecting what you want? Why does it always have to be what Mother wants? You are 54 and she is 88 -- your relationship should be adult-to-adult.
You feel like you've sacrificed your life so that another could have a life. Why did you do that? Your mother's life is important and valuable. But isn't your life important and valuable, too? What justifies sacrificing your life for hers?
Your oldest sister made a choice. She is in charge of her actions. You, too could have -- and still can -- make a choice. The only behavior you can control is your own. Telling your sister she should quit her job, and telling your mother that you have given up your life gets you nowhere.
You may live another 40 years or more. What could you be doing now to help ensure those years will be fulfilling for you (as you deserve!)? 24/7 servitude doesn't allow for much preparation for the future, does it?
So instead of blaming your sisters or complaining to your mother, what steps can you take right now to change that servitude status? You do not "have to" continue to devote 24/7 to your mother's care. Really. If you choose to do it, that is fine. But then acknowledge it is your choice.
It is too bad your sisters aren't helping. It is too bad your mother is not grateful. Life is not fair. But you do have some options. I urge you to start exploring how you can make your current situation better.
My siblings never listened to my pleas for help. Mom was hospitalized and went crazy and they had to put her on all kinds of drugs. I was there day and night but not the siblings, they had work. As soon as I mentioned putting Mom into a home and the fact that after 7 years I cannot take it anymore, I have now just begun to get help from one of them, in the evening and some on weekends.
I know exactly where you are coming from and it sucks.....you are the sacrificial lamb.
Does Mom have any money? The only way this will ever be even sort of fair is if you are getting paid to care for her. Please set up an official caregiver agreement so that it will not interfere with her qualifying for Medicaid should that ever be needed.
I don't know about you, but I know I'm just a little bit happier to do a job if I'm being paid to do it. It makes me feel appreciated.
I'm single, never married, no kids and 63. So I get all of that. I took care of my dad and mom (and now just my mom) for the past 12 years. But I've built a life with friends and will continue to do that. My mom is happy for me and I'm blessed. But even if she wasn't, I'd still do it, because I need it for my own mental health.
You're only imprisoned because you're letting your mom control you. Why? Get some counseling so you can learn how to take back control of your life. It won't be easy, but you can do it! We're here to support you.
You are a millionaire, and you expect your sister to quit her job??!! Whoa!
If you truly feel helpless to get out from under mommy's control, please, please see a therapist. If that is how you were programmed, that is sad. You deserve some help getting deprogrammed. You should be happy that your sister escaped this programming, not trying to impose it on her.
Why don't you just hire some in-home care, so you can count on going out for fresh air? It is REALLY hard to understand your problem and your bitterness.
I feel I'm speaking for everyone on this site when I say, it's hard to sympathize with you when you have many other options. You're the one choosing not to seek them..
Enough said: I'm getting pissed off...
I hear you, I am surprised at the response of people on this forum that prides itself on being non judgmental. It seems that does not apply to millionaires and that you have “started pissing people off”.
Being overwhelmed is not exclusively for the poor. I agree with the prior posts that you may be well served to see a therapist. You sound overwhelmed and depressed. There are plenty of filthy rich celebrities that end their own enviable fantasy lives, this is testimony that feelings are no less real because of the size of your bank account.
If you are financially secure, do not expect your sister to risk her security by quitting her job, having said that that is no excuse for your sister not to relieve you on some of her off hours, or to be involved in her mom’s care, at least emotionally.
You need some time to yourself, whether sis sits in for you, or you use mom’s money for respite care. The first thing you need to schedule is a consultation with a therapist, and then schedule ongoing visits for your mental health care.
The second thing you need to schedule is some personal time, even if you do not know what to do with it. Take 4 hours a week, to start. Go to the mall, go to the spa, lunch or dinner with a friend you have lost touch with. Even if you do not have plans, take your time, you will eventually redefine a slice of your life.
As a self made millionaire, I think you must have a good set of skills to draw on. Lazy wussies do not become self made millionaires – so I suspect you have a strong work ethic and inner strength. You may have lost yourself in the situation. You may have made choices of caring for mom over seeking your own family, or perhaps love did not find you. I know a few ladies that sought family from their 20s to their 50s and in somehow eluded them. I for one did not find love until my 40s.
You are not worried about money, which I celebrate, but remember, you also do not have children, so your funds need to provide for your long term care – make sure you are looking out after your own old age.
Each of us has different blessings; looks, strength, intellect, wealth, children, friends, supportive spouse, etc. Identify your strengths and rebuild your life on them. The only thing worse than being upset about sacrificing your past, is to give up on your future.
Regardless of what mom or other family members say you deserve and will need to take personal time.
I always say money does not buy happiness, but it affords you possibilities to deal with problems. Money can buy therapy, respite and trips to look forward to. Start investing in your future.
Best wishes to you.
LS
Pardon my cynicism, but please tell me how to be a self made millionaire when thus job is over.
There is an old book, that has been updated and turned into a franchise. It offers great insight, The Millionaire Next Door. They state 80% of millionaires are first generation wealthy, not trust babies. It is an easy and interesting read that does offer a roadmap of sorts. If you are serious about exploring the subject, it is worth checking out.
However, it is also true that we are told to put the oxygen mask on our own face on an airplane flight before helping even a child. Interesting. After a certain point, the quality of care one can give is diminished if we ourselves are burnt-out.
Allowing our beliefs to evolve and change is not easy but it is sometimes necessary.
There is a season for all things and this may simply be your season for YOU.
Good luck!
Many people complain over and over, because, darn it, caregiving is a job that generates complaints and often we have no one to vent to. This is a good site to come to for that.
If what you want is to vent and you are not interested in making any changes, it would be helpful if you make that clear in your post.
Otherwise, caregivers that we all are, we want to help you. We want you to feel better. We want you to have a chance at happiness.
Please take LS's advice seriously. See a therapist. If the first appointment isn't a good fit, don't give up -- find another therapist.
Personally I want to send you a warm hug and also a kick in the pants. It is time to fish or cut bait. You want a chance at happiness? Seek professional help.
My heart goes out to you. It seems that your mother maneuvered you into the role of husband vs helpful/supportive son when you were dependent upon her and she was unwilling to move on and build a new life after the death of her husband/or father. So sad for your family- she was the parent and misused/abuse her role and you. And as a child you could not have understood, and certainly did not have the power to “tough lover” her to move on and become a healthy, happy, fulfilled person.
A loving mentally/emotionally/spiritually healthy parent would have taken ONLY reasonable support, and built a new life for her family and supported you to make your own live in which she would have been your support an a living mother and grandmother... in a perfect world yes.. in this world, not too likely when a dutiful & supportive son was on hand to be used to enable her unwillingness to move on an be a good parent.
Are you to blame. No. This is very similar to sexual abuse and just as confusing to the child. This is abuse of parental rights, responsibilities and the child. Breaking free of this may indeed seem impossible especially since it seems your sister also accepted & reinforced your role pseudo-husband, as it freed, possibly supported in making the life she chose.
Prior posts do not seem to consider love, honor thy father and thy mother, duty as ties that bind and that your post is infused with a sense of responsibility, a very strong desire to do the right thing. She has, possibly with the help of your father long before his death and your sister’s help/reinforcement, tied you up with emotional ties of love, honor, duty.
Clearly you know you that you can put her into full-time care and walk away from both of them physically.. but how to you do this and still love them & yourself and not feel that you are a bad person who is not fulfilling his duty. Reverse your question how to you take your life without denying her her own? I think that is your (full) question.
Consider this-
People suffering from Stockholm syndrome come to identify with and even care for their captors in a desperate, usually unconscious act of self-preservation. It occurs in the most psychologically traumatic situations, often hostage situations or kidnappings, and its effects usually do not end when the crisis ends. In the most classic cases, victims continue to defend and care about their captors even after they escape captivity. Symptoms of Stockholm syndrome have also been identified in the slave/master relationship, in battered-spouse cases and in members of destructive cults.
Would you ask her to do for you, as you have done and continue to do for her?
- You do not sound like you would.
Do unto others as you would have them to unto you
- would you want anyone to allow/empower/enable you to do this to your child or any other human being?
- I do not think so per your post.
Honor thy father and thy mother/thy family- absolutely!
- Honoring your parents and your family means to act honorably- if other look on, is this situation giving honor to you or to her? NO.
- Honoring your parents means acting with honor, compassion and wisdom to be a credit to yourself, your family and your community. It does not mean being a slave/doormat/hostage.
What would you advise someone else to do if they were in the same situation as you?
You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink.
- Your mother has not used your love & support to become a whole person, to fulfill her life and act with love, compassion and honor.
- Would you allow your child to act this way toward you or any other person, continue to support & enable it and there by approve of it and keep it going until death? I don’t think so.
Though love time.
Love her not to continue this abuse, be the loving parent vs the co-dependent one.
- If that means put her and your sister in time-out for the rest your lives – that is the bed they made..
- you have given ample opportunity for them to use your love & support with clove, wisdom & compassion..
- they chose not to..
- so now they should suffer the consequences
- and you as a loving & wise family member should allow and enable and empower their un-wise, self-serving and abusive choices
- … and go make a life for yourself not only free of those un-serving duties, but free of guilt, KNOWING in your heart and your mind that you ARE making the loving, wise and compassionate choice… not a self-serving unloving choice.
Tough love is the hardest love of all and takes the greatest love, compassion and wisdom- it is what we all receive form God 24/7/365.. and most of us resist 24/7/265! LOL.. it is human nature, most humans are “sinful, stiff-necked, willful, and disobedient (to what is right).
- So forgive them, pray for them and continue to love them
- But if they will not return your love & treat you with respect keep them in time out.
- If either changes (unlikely give their ages) then visit and communicate with them as you would anyone who treats you as they do. Accept and allow the good, find the good in the past & your very long period of testing & service and the experience & wisdom gained and BE happy.
- Use all – the good and the bad to find and fulfill your life- all is as it needs to be, you have lost nothing and have plenty of time for you.. and will make a wonderful husband for some fortunate woman if you rise to the challenges you face.
- The cream rises, sounds graceful, but it must actually be a pretty volatile chemical process… LOL.
It is indeed painful for humans to be the cream that rises, slow and painful and only by grace- so it can look graceful to others.. and does indeed bring grace to all concerned.
- The pain, the suffering, the sacrifice IS the good stuff- extract the gold & toss the dross- and embrace your spiritual, emotional, physical and financial abundance and put it to wise use… and enjoy the rewards a VERY blessed life, which you have earned the right to enjoy without guilt, and honor thy family!
Peace & happiness are in the heart- cannot be pursued or extracted from or given by others
– be happy
– be wise
Now, where you are, as you are, and work your way to the life you deserve with love, compassion, wisdom & honor and you cannot fail or do any harm to anyone.
:) LOL.. today really is the first day of the rest of your life!
The glass is neither half full or empty- it is a half a glass of water.
The question is what will you do with it… it is your life and your choice.
Choose well and be blessed.
The saints choose to suffer & sacrifice, did it with love, compassion, and wisdom and for love of God & His wisdom and free will to follow/fulfill His plan for their lives and to honor all concerned and to serve a higher purpose.. if you do that, then you will be blessed & happy, as you have a life filled with meaning, purpose, love and all the rewards of it.. because you choose it... and it serves/honors all concerned.
The saints fought evil with every ounce of their living, they choose to allowed themselves to be victimized when needed, allowed it with wisdom.
They were not powerless victims but powerful warriors for good, God and humanity- read about them & their lives and their works as they show the way... and cream does rise, pain really is the good stuff if used wisely.
:)
Am getting pissed off too!
Roscoe, I reread your title, and think that that concept most often applies to a parent giving up their life for their child. But then, unhealthy parents want their children to parent them, and that is what you are doing for your mum, If you choose to stay in your situation as it is, and let off steam, so be it.