A life was sacrificed........so that another could have a life!

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That's my new motto. "A life was sacrificed, so that another could have a life". My father died when I was 15 years old and that dictated the path that my life would take. My life long duty was to care for my mother. Here I am at 54 years of age and I am still doing it. I never married and have lived with my mother all my life. It was not bad when my mother was younger, but now I cannot do anything. My mother does not want me out of her sight. She is 88 years old and in not good health. I get no help from my sisters. As a matter of fact, I recently "told off" my oldest sister for not helping. She is retired and took on another job and claims she has no free time, even though she is off on weekends. I had to quit my job to care for my mother. I told my sister that she should have quit working and let me continue to work. Her answer was that I could have put my mother in a home......this coming from my sister who has said she fears ending up in a rest home when she gets older, but it's okay for her to say to put our mother in a home. I told her when my mother dies that I will never have anything to do with her again. My sister sees how my life is.....the 24/7 servitude to my mother and I get no help. I get no breaks. No one will help on a weekend to let me get some fresh air. I have told my mother when I die....I will probably become a saint for all that I go through and all that I have done. I told my mother that I have given up my life....so that she could have a life. She does not care about my life.....as long as I was there for her all those years is all that she wanted. Whats happens to me in the end? I've sacrificed so much. Is this fair to me?

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for comparitive purposes im always evaluating myself against one of the countys most affluent men. he sure did watch out for his mother- with hired carers, housekeepers and groundspersons. nothing wrong with that, it just made him appear more heroic than was the reality.
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Jinx4740 and any others - why be frustrated w/Roscoe888 - if he is simply trolling for attention vs seeking to change his situation for the better, or unwilling to help himself, he, and those to respond, are all providing a good service to collect many views/good advice for those who come to agingcare.com and read this thread.

Whether he uses it or not is his business.. and should not frustrate anyone else - God supplies us what we need (vs want) and if we make good used of it or not- that is between the individual and God.. and all those who are able to view or participate will benefit (or not) according to their ability to make good use of what God supplies. Providing care is not about forcing others to accept it, or accept/use it per you own views, but to provide it (per God's plan/guidance for your life) and and allow free will to work (others to use it - or not)..
These thread is not (imho) about Roscoe and what he does or does not do - but about his topic and what others have to add... all good stuff.. enjoy! :)

Don't allow anyone to tie up your energy in time wasting (no win-seeking to frustrate others) games about how they choose to live their lives.

p.s. if it was not clear- this applies to anyone who you may be providing/seeking to help. Three are none so helpless as those who seek to be helpless.. God help them- they will insure no one else can! personally, I will pray for all concerned :) and invest my time where it will serve all concerned/good purpose..
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Roscoe, You would never pay for therapy. Would you consider reading a self-help book or two? Or going to a caregivers' support group? We have gotten frustrated with you because we want you to take some steps to be happier. Of course it's your choice whether to do that or not. Wishing you the best.
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Roscoe, please don't rule out therapy. The therapist will give you a way to vent your frustration and help you with next steps. Therapy can bring you peace with your decisions, or give you the motivation to change your life. Good luck.
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After reading and thinking more, there is another thing to touch on here. We have all broken a couple of the rules that you find here under 10 Things Never to Say to Caregivers...but, for a reason. Roscoe's situation is exceptional in that he finds caregiving has become particularly hellish and he appears to have more choice about it than some others. And yet, he feels there is no choice...he is either the saint who does it all for Mom, or a bad person, and it is beneath him to admit concern enough for himself to get any help for himself. He has siblings- sisters- who do not choose to be Moms caregiver; only a little unusual, since it is so often the males who leave caregiving to females. It would seem very possible that the sisters recognized Mom's narcissistic and child-eating behavior for what it is and have had the survival instinct to stay away; Roscoe saw the only way to personal goodness as being dutiful and absorbing all that ingratitude and demandingness Mom is dishing out, but now it is just becoming too much.

Roscoe, in a couple posts you indicate your intention to never forgive your sisters and to have nothing to do with them when Mom passes...and yet, if you had not needed so badly to be better than them, maybe Mom would not have been so empowered to let her narcissism blossom the way it has. They may be angry with you for taking Mom's side over theirs and helping create a monster. Their refusal to be drawn into your personal hell might be at least as forgivable as your being drawn into it. At some point, I pray that the pain of admitting they might be right In whole or in part may be less than the pain of being estranged from the family you have left on this earth.

You thought putting your mother first in your life was the only right thing to do and you did it. There has got to be some pain involved in realizing that maybe it wasn't. There is no real virtue In refusing to get the help that might let you see the situation differently. I think all of us could sympathize and empathize more with your situation if you weren't so busy telling yourself and us that you have always done the right thing and can't understand why it is so hideously unrewarding but you have to keep doing it anyway. Change is hard because it entails realizing that you were going about something the wrong way before, or that way will not work anymore, or both.
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Loridtabbbykat,
I completely agree with you, I defended against the pile on but when I saw it only further ignited the vitriol, I stopped, not for my own sake.
Most of the posts are tough love a few are nothing short of bullying.....probably from people who themselves are hurt.

Roscoe,
Web pages are only limited conversations with unknown people, please do seek out therapy to have a more complete dialog with a credentialed professional. From what you described you may have been emotionally abused, you may be depressed and you are definitely overwhelmed !
The good news is these hurts can be healed.
No judgement, just wishing you well
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At the risk of being the target of rotten tomatos being thrown my way, folks this person could be in deep trouble, and the negative words could throw this person over the edge.
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Wow!! New enough here that I don't know Roscoe, so to me it sounds like everyone is really "piling on"......BUT I'm also new enough in my recovery to have some understanding of how I let my mother control me most of my life. When you have a parent, who for as long as you can remember, has made you "earn" love by trying to please them, you do it as a child because you need your parents. For me, I allowed this to affect my life, my marriages, etc. ....long after I was a child and should have known better. It was only in the past couple years when I've been around her more often in her old age, that I have been driven to therapy by my own despair, that things have finally changed.
I know it sounds crazy. Looking back it WAS crazy. Why was I never strong enough to just tell her to go "F" off and get out of my life? That's why my name here is "getnstrong". Emphasis on "getn". If you have taken years of emotional abuse from early on, you think you deserve to be treated that way. Only hard work, a therapist, joining Adult Children of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families and now thankfully this wonderful lifeline has helped me help me assert the rights that I have as a human being to put myself first, and feel that my happiness is just as important as my mother's. It's as if some veil has been ripped off and I can see for the first time. What kind of mother would want her grown child to be a slave and sacrifice their life for them? I'll tell you....a very mentally sick one. And I agree with all of you, only Roscoe can change his life and stop playing the victim. I hope for his sake he realizes he is not "a saint", but a co-dependent and it sounds like he's emotionally abused. Roscoe, the only way to win in this situation is to refuse to play the game any more. You don't have to engage in an argument, just walk away. So many of us have been there, and have overcome. Life is short, and I can assure you, it is NEVER too late to change, but you'll never do it alone. People don't admire your "sacrifices", they just think you are a man who enjoys playing the victim. Hope you have the courage to seek help. Believe me, it is well worth the effort. It embarrasses me when I think of how many years I spent whining about my mother, and amazes me I still have any friends left. I got to the point where I was sick of hearing my own voice, telling yet another story of how awful my mother was/is.
As others can attest, I do get on the pity pot occasionally still, but it's no longer a way of life, but an incident or a need to vent sometimes, which we all do. Well, I hope you listen to the opinions of everyone here. Life is short, for God's sake, don't wait til you're on your own death bed and say, why didn't I try to change?
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Roscoe, you certainly got what you asked for, great critiques and feedback. I think Vestefan's post was really good...this remark in particular: "You ain't a saint if you make your choices grudgingly and bitterly and even try to pretend they aren't choices." It seems as though you have made a choice, and are fed up with it, angry and bitter and trapped, but you don't know how to un-do it. There are many suggestions, and you may not act on any of them. You may just need your Mother as much as she needs you. And if that's the case, then just let it be, and quit torturing yourself. One thing I don't quite understand is how angry some of the commenters got about this. They seem angry that you have money and they don't. That kinda sucks. I'd just ignore some of those very angry and mean comments if I were you. They're not helpful at all. Best of luck in getting free, Roscoe. If you decide not free yourself physically from your Mom, just be free from the bitterness of your situation.
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Roscoe why wouldn't you "spend a penny of your money for any therapy"?
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