I feel I’m getting more and more jealous of my two siblings that aren’t taking care of our Mom on a daily basis. One is in another state and the other works. They’re being supportive but as the days and weeks go on, there’s less calls, less texts. They’re living their lives…..I can’t blame them tho. Just venting.

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You have every right to be jealous and resentful. And the sad news is that it is VERY common for one sibling to be the primary caregiver for a parent or parents even if the other siblings live close by. This is my situation.

There are a million reasons they can't help and they all sound reasonable. I will warn you though, talk to them and communicate about it. This resentment can become a monster (as it has in my family) if it's not addressed. It fractures families forever.

And yes, you can blame them for "living their lives". YOU have a life too. Yours matters just as much and is as important as theirs. You have stepped in to do something that, now that you're in it, seems so so difficult to extricate yourself from because the parent still needs care. And if you don't do it, who will? No one else is going to step up. They rely on you doing it all and not acknowledging you're doing it assuages their guilt for doing nothing.

I can't stress this enough. I'd address it with them. Plenty of people can still help in some way even if they live far away or have jobs. People do it every day. If they can't be there maybe they can help financially to get some caregiver help in.

My life has been "on hold" for 10 years and I have several siblings all who live within 30 minutes of my parents. They do nothing because they don't have to do anything. I urge you to not let yourself be trapped into this.

".. years ago when she was independent.."

How was Mother coping before you moved in?

From an earlier post: "I just want to cry every day. I can’t leave her house for more than a couple hours because she needs help using the restroom. It’s only been a little over a month…"

and this today: " suppose I’m jealous that they have their ‘freedom’ to sleep uninterrupted through the night and they don’t have to be here 24/7."

Interrupted sleep is a form of torture. If you cry every day, this is NOT sustainable.

What are your mother's finances? What would be the situation if you weren't available to be the 24/7/365 caregiver slave?

Yes, make sure you get alimony. Even if for a short time. Get everything your entitled to. Then you may want to look into some kind of training to help u find a job. Some States will pay you as you train. Check with your unemployment office.

Your profile on Mom does not show anything she needs 24/7 care. Has her age declined morphed into a Dementia. Is anyone POA. Do not allow yourself to get "stuck" in this situation. Walmart here is paying $15 an hour. You have to start someplace. If Mom has money, then use it for an aide to be with her while u work. If Mom has money, maybe she is ready for an Assisted Living. Maybe she needs to downsize. You need to move forward. At 51 you can get 25 yrs in before you need to retire. What u earn in that time will be your SS. Being divorced, you will be entitled to some of his. You need to make your siblings aware that this is not permanent. You need to now support your self.

You're the 'obvious choice' right now because you are 'free' to help with mom.

You probably didn't have the chance at a career b/c your ex wanted you home. Nothing wrong with that, except HE now has to pay the piper. My DH never told me I couldn't do 'this or that' but he certainly enjoyed the benefits of having a wife who ran the show and left him free to work. And he did--to his credit, he never made me feel like I was beholden to him for anything. Which I most assuredly am not.

Now is the time to care for yourself, starting with letting the family and mom know you are not going to CG forever. You need your own life and even if it's a low income apartment--it's your own space. We all need that! You may have to be fairly repetitive about saying that you are NOT doing this CG full time. Knowing it's not forever will lift your spirits.

I hope you have a good lawyer. I hope you get the financial remuneration that you deserve. Did you have children? That will factor in to the divorce settlement.

I hope you also get some counseling, going forth. Someone you can talk to and have be supportive & helpful when you feel lonely & left out.

Don't be surprised if your sibs are upset or shocked that you don't want to keep caring for mom. I imagine they are all happy you're THERE.

Good Luck. This can all be OK, stand firm and be tough.


You are still in the early stages so get out now while you can. Not your siblings fault for the choices you made. If you weren’t here what would she do?

You have just started caregiving. I'd seriously start looking elsewhere to live, given what you've written so far. It's early enough to do so, and not be envious of your siblings who seem ok getting on with their lives-why is it ok for you to carry the load? Yeah, divorce sucks, but lemme tell you, caregiving as it progresses can make that look like a day at the beach. In the past eight months I've had four days off from caregiving-this is my second stint-fairly aware of what is involved.
"I don't really want to be the caregiver but I suppose I'm here for a reason". Huge red flag. Step back, it's ok to tap outta the game and not get roped into this life. It is extrodinarily difficult and honestly totally ok to walk away from. Nor does it seem like you've had any extensive training in medicine, elder care, and all that goes with this, like how many people do? I am not saying you are unable to do this either. Otherwise, if you feel obligated to see this through, this could go on for years. Years.

Yes, only 2 months and I’m feeling this way already!!! 😳 I am also here with Mom because of the divorce. It just sort of worked out that way. I never wanted to move back in because I’m 51, been independent (well, dependent on my husband who wanted a stay at home housewife until he didn’t anymore) and used to enjoy my privacy. I can’t even leave the room now without her asking what I’m doing.
I don’t know what the answer is right now. Thank you for your response. One day at a time I guess.

I suppose I’m jealous that they have their ‘freedom’ to sleep uninterrupted through the night and they don’t have to be here 24/7.
I couldn’t take a job and leave her. In fact years ago when she was independent and I talked of moving out of state, she said she would just die! Not fair really to say that.
I don’t really want to be the caregiver but I suppose I’m here for a reason.
thank you, I’m just venting really.

According to your profile, you've been taking care of your mother in her home since November and also going thru a painful divorce. I'm sorry to hear that, my condolences; divorce is never a pleasant event.

Have you just been doing the caregiving for 2 months, since this past November? If so, and you're already feeling envious of your sisters who have their own lives, jobs etc, I'd say, move out and on with YOUR life now. How did mother survive before you moved in? She can hire help to come into her once you leave. If you're living with mother because you're uprooted due to the divorce, perhaps rethink the prudence of that decision. I NEVER would've been able to move back in with my folks after my divorce. I'd rather have taken a job at McDonalds and rented a room in someone's home if I was uprooted, honestly. It's just too hard to get back into the "child" role again as an adult living in a parents home once more. Not to mention caregiving is hard work!

Whatever your situation is and no matter how long you've been caring for mom in her home, I don't blame you for the way you feel. Bearing the entire burden of caring for an elder alone feels like too much!

Wishing you the best of luck with everything.

Is it the sibling's job/location you are jealous of? Or resentment for being the solution for Mother's care?

Coz if you took a local job or even interstate one for a fresh start, say next month, Mother would need a new plan yes?

Do you want to be the caregiver?

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