Hello everyone! This is my first time posting on this forum.
I am a 20 year old who is taking care of my 51 year old mother. She has a list of ailments and a lot has happened in the past year or so. She is clinically depressed, has severe anxiety, fibromyalgia, AS, chronic fatigue, PTSD, agoraphobia, and foot drop.
ln March of 2019 she was put into a medically induced coma after contracting H1N1 and had a bad allergic reaction to the anesthetic that they used. She was in a coma for about a week but miraculously came out of it. She didn't come out unscathed though, because she eventually found out that she has foot drop. This caused a lot of problems because she wasn't able to take care of herself or the house, which was already difficult for her to do before the coma.
To catch you up, in November of 2018 I moved to New Mexico (from Wisconsin) with my now fiance. When this all happened, I flew him and I back to Wisconsin to be able to say goodbye to her if things got worse, but once we arrived things took a turn for the better with her. She woke up from her coma the day that I had to fly back for work. However, in September of 2019 we made the decision to come back to live with her in Wisconsin to take care of her because no one else would (I have two older siblings who both have multiple children.)
It has been a difficult past year for me. I was able to get a job working as a barista, but even working part time there was difficult for me. Living back at home made me very depressed and I gained about 30lbs. I tried my best to do as much as I could do to help around the house, but with my 11 year old little brother being messy, my mom not being able to take care of herself, and my fiance also depressed, a lot of things didn't get done which made me beat myself up more for not being able to do it all.
I was able to set her up with a caregiving company that hired my sister in law. She mostly did housework but after a couple months she quit. In March I got let go from my barista job due to the pandemic and needed to make money to support us, so I signed up to be her caregiver because I was practically doing all of it already without getting paid. I only get 25 hours a week and the pay is low, but it helps.
However, I've noticed it's increasingly more difficult for me to do this job as time goes by. I love my mom to death, but I don't get any alone time. I am overwhelmed and stressed the majority of the time. It's hard for me to get up and do things sometimes because of this. My depression seems to have gotten worse. My mom has a difficult time leaving the house without someone because of her anxiety and agoraphobia, so I am constantly driving and doing things for and with her.
Now, it's not like she can't do some things herself, it's just incredibly difficult for her. I am trying to work with her and I'm taking her to physical therapy twice a week in hopes that the foot drop is able to be cured. We are looking into surgeries that can increase the quality of her life so she doesn't have to have someone take care of her for the rest of her life.
But despite all these efforts, it just makes me feel like there's no end to this. There's still so much I have to do and I don't have a lot of energy in my day for all of this. Even on the days I 'have off' I am constantly doing things.
There are years worth of things in this house that I need to go through and get rid of with her. All of my things are compiled in one room with my fiance and it's so difficult. I have my wedding on October 1st but I don't feel like there's a bright future ahead still. I can't afford to save up for a house because I am financially supporting my mom and little brother due to her disability income being so low.
I don't know what I would even do to get out of this and it's weighing on me. Thank you for listening to me rant. This isn't really ending on a positive note, but any advice you have is helpful.

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This situation is a heavy load. Alvadeer gave realistic feedback. Being honest with her primary care doctor is a great start. My heart goes out to you and your family. I am praying you are filled with God’s wisdom, clarity, insight and peace. I am thankful you discovered this forum. You have a safe place to share your concerns here.

I feel so bad for all of you . Talk to your moms primary care doctor one on one . Tell him you can’t take care of your mom . The doctor should be able to refer her case for appropriate care .

You are way too young to be going through such stress .

Make sure you stress to the doctor that there is an 11 year old also in the house .

Best of Luck .

Hello , hang in there and God bless you for caring for your mom and little brother. You are young but with God's help and prayer you can overcome this tribulation. We will be praying for your mom to recover completely because she is young. I suggest that you ask your sibling to help you at least one day so that you can recharge. Let you siblings know if they can do that for you or if they can't perhaps you can research the at home nurse who can help you just watch her while you go shopping for her.

God bless you
El Paso, Texas

Alva deer is right. Your mother could easily live to be 100? Do you want to take care of her for another 50 years? I doubt very much your fiancé wants to live with your mother for the next 50 years. If he leaves you, you will be taking care of her for the rest of her life. You won’t have a life. You won’t have kids either because you won’t have any time to date or any fun stuff. You can either live like a nun and take care of your mom for the rest of her life, or you can place her in a facility and see her as often as you like. You would be free to get married and have kids of your own and plan for your future. You could go on with education or plan a trip. It’s your choice. Either choice, someone will get hurt.

Your Mom, I am so sorry to say, is nearly full care and only 51. She can easily live to your 50th anniversary. But I very much doubt your marriage could conceivably last that long.
You now have to make a choice, and no one can make it for you, and there is no way it will not lead to grief. You can either sacrifice your entire life to your mother, or you can help her seek placement and care, be as supportive as you are able with love and with visits, and go on with your life.
Your mother will need medicaid care, and your brother may as well. But as I said, unless you wish to, in a nun-like self-sacrificial manner,dedicate your entire life to your mother, you must have the courage to move on with a life for yourself. You should almost certainly seek professional help with moving forward for yourself. The decision is all yours. No one can make it for you. I think from all I have read above that you already recognize that this is the case.
I can of course give you the boring old eagle story. Father eagle carrying his chicks across the flooded raging waters asks eaglet #1 if he will take care of him when he is old and weak. The eaglet answers yes and Dad eagle drops him in the drink. He returns for the second chick and while carrying him over the raging waters he asks the same question: the eaglet tell his father "No, I am sorry I cannot father; but I can promise you I will do all in my power for my OWN chicks."
This is how life is played. Forward. It is cruel, unhappy, worthy of tear and rage and mourning. But it IS life. I am so sorry. Whichever way YOU decide, there will be so much grief.

You sure have a lot on your plate at your age and your mom is young too. Please ask your siblings to offer what they can manage to help with. Maybe they could help pay for a housekeeper or part time sitter for your mom, send meals to help you. Ask mom's primary care doctor for help with home therapy like physical therapy and occupational( more for daily activities and personal) and getting in touch with a social worker to help coordinate services mom is eligible for. Lastly let mom do what she can by herself. This will help her build up some strength and be more independent no matter how small the efforts are. God bless you and your fiancé for stepping up and trying to do the right thing. Start in one tiny corner of your room and purge. You need a nice room to relax in. You need some time for yourselves.

You have so much on your plate at a young age. I did too at intervals but not to this extent. Can you get some therapy for yourself? Your mother needs a higher level of care despite all you are lovingly providing. Could you start the process for her to get on Medicaid? Granted these are difficult times due to the pandemic. Despite your siblings having children I would hope you could communicate with them about the need for future care for your mother. I would try to avail yourself of any/all you can regarding agencies dealing with compromised aging individuals I hope others give you some specific suggestions.

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