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Grandma was admitted into the hospital from an assisted living facility, her main condition was listed as failure to thrive. Now I am questioning the decision I made over a year ago to move my grandmother into my home. At the time, I knew it was huge and I wondered if I could truly handle it. I decided I could, and unfortunately I failed to take into consideration the impact it would have on my children. Grandma adores my son but only tolerates my daughter. My daughter has been subjected to unfair favoritism and she is fully aware of it. I am very angry right now. That is such an understatement at best.

I know all the sacrifices I have made and I did it willingly at the time, but things have changed. I look at the state of my life and the quality of my children's lives, and I question my decision. I want to 'undo' our living arrangement and get back on the track of being the best mom I can be, which I've recently redefined. There was a time that I thought as a role model that meant taking care of my grandma in my home with my children helping along the way. It seemed like the only right thing to do, but now I'm not so sure. Today it seems more like we are all hostages because grandma didn't want to acknowledge her abilities declining and she wanted to stay in her home as long as she could. The truth is, she stayed too long and refused to plan for the time when she couldn't.

Now, I can't help but ask myself why I continue to take responsibility for the choices she made, rather refused to make year after year. The truth is, the children and I have done a remarkable job with making her comfortable and happy in a life she would NEVER have chosen for herself. The catch is that now I've noticed that the three of us are no longer thriving, but she is. Is it worth it? I find myself in a quagmire of family values; priorities vs. loyalties. Honestly, I do not know what I am going to do to change the current situation. But, because of my experience I have become very proactive and set up long term care plans for myself so I never put my children through a dilemma of this sort. However, I'm not sure that means very much to them at this point.

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Dear Jamie, it will definately mean much to them later on. Sounds like Grandma, has been truly blessed to have people take such good care of her. However, as usual, the rest of the family has made a huge sacrafice. It sounds as if Grandma needs to go to assisted living, so you can finish raising your children. I too am struggling with this same situation with my father. I too need to finish raising my children, and give the time back to my daughters that has been taken away, for the last 10 months. 10 months has felt like ten years, sad to say. Good Luck to you and God Bless you, and get back on track for yourself and your family. Nauseated
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Wow ladies, this thread makes me cry. The whole caregiving thing is making me crazy. A little over a year ago, I was a wife, and a stay-at-homeschool mom of a wonderful little guy. While it wasn't perfect, I miss the freedom I had. I could do what I wanted, any time I wanted, and was pretty content with the way things were. Jamiea, I can relate to feeling like a hostage. I feel like my parent's needs are stealing ours. My husband and I were just discussing this. He said that we are unhappy because we want things the way they were, and don't want to give up our lives for others, but that we are supposed to serve. I am legal Guardian and Conservator of two, and my husband of one. Little did we know the extent of our responsibilities and duties in this position. I literally feel buried and crushed by it most of the time. Dad is no problem. With Alzheimer's, compassion takes over, and he is a joy to serve. But the Mama Drama is a stressful, ongoing, devastating nightmare! Quagmire is a good choice of words to describe it. Can't we all relate to that? I am so thankful that Dad is well cared for in a Nursing Home (where he needs to be due to Advanced Stage Alzheimer's). But Mom and I have always struggled. The current struggle is our compassion toward her due to health problems and incapacity, versus anger over her lifelong poor choices and their accompanying consequences. Her expectations of me go beyond the relational bridges built. I'm ashamed to admit that I wish she were in a Nursing Home too, because the way it is makes everything that much more difficult for everyone. Time, distance and decline sum up the situation. It's a lose/lose scenario for all concerned. I asked my husband if he resented the time it takes away from him to care for everyone else. He said he understands. (Man of grace and forgiveness.) But my eight year old? Am I forsaking his life to care for my parents' lives? Mine is gone as well, due to the demands by parents, Probate, and stress. Nothing was planned ahead of time, and I've had to clean up huge problems left behind. The feisty firstborn gets the work and criticism. My baby sister (48) calls me a martyr. What's wrong with this picture? Of coarse, nobody forced me to assume responsibility, but what was the alternative - neglect? Chicken Little was told what to do. I did it. My reward? Criticism, false accusations and fatigue. Little did I know...
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Some days I wish I could just hand my new responsibilities back to Mom and Dad, and be their "kid" again. Other days I wish someone would take over for me, or guide me through this unknown territory (kind of make all the decisions for me). Neither scenario would work. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I failed. What would the court do? Who would take over then? Not knowing what to do seems like the hardest part. There are so many choices, and no clear cut answers or solutions. My brain goes in circles contemplating all the possibilities. And it seems that no matter what I decide, it all involves work for me. I'm having a hard time following through with things, hesitate in making decisions because I can't see the whole picture, and fear the outcome. It is not pleasant holding the responsibility for someone else's life in the balance of my choices. Fear and fatigue immobilizes me. Does anyone else experience like this? Got any suggestions?
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Anne, OMG! I too am having the same thoughts as you. Especially today, I felt so depressed, like I'm falling into a bottomless black hole. I feel horrible because I too am hesitating making decisions by not being able to see the whole picture. I'm trying to just handle one thing at a time per day. But the bigger decisions are based on many factors. I too am cleaning up a big mess that took years for dad to create. I am having to clean it all up, and the only child or family member left to do it. I once had a social worker come to my house to speak to my dad as a last resort, because he was being so difficult. This was before I obtained guard/cons. She had suggested that since we were having such differences, that she suggested an outside conservator, and a guardian ad litem. At first it sounded wonderful, then I could go back to just being the daughter again, instead of the enemy. I decided to think it over for at least 24hrs or more. After that, I decided that would have been the worst possible route to go because if ever he went into a facility, I would have absolutely no say whatsoever in the kind or quality of care he received, nor would he. I know I made the right decision for my dad. My suggestion is the same suggestion I am giving myself, and that is to just take one assignment at a time per day, instead of looking at it whole, it is less stressful and overwhelming that way. Hoping everything else will just fall into place. We must pray this will happen. Anne, we are here for you. Love and Hugs! Nauseated
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Thank you dear naus! Just got back home after traveling 450 miles down to care for Mom and back. So strange. She's OK one minute, then slamming down sick and tired the next
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Mom was doing fine when we got there, I thought. I took her to her surgeon's appointment yesterday. He said they found "something" on her lung, but wasn't worried about it. Thanks a lot! He scheduled her Cancer surgery for left breast lumpectomy for Wed. April 1th @ 6:00am. Another reason to be thankful, since I live 200 miles away. Means I have to drive down the night before, and stay awhile, because they said someone has to stay with her for two days following surgery. They sent her for a CT Scan of her lung yesterday. She said, "I'm glad you were here, because I would have missed the appointment because of the public transportation, and I hate the bus." Again, my life on hold...absorbed into her health issues.

Got Mom and Dad's taxes done yesterday as well. Went to the Probate Court to ask questions, because their first year's accounting is due soon. As Guardian/Conservator, do we pay ourselves a fiduciary fee? What's fair? I've worked my tail off trying to help them over the last year, and sacrificed my own family, home, time, and interests doing it. In return, I got complaints and criticism from Mom and uninvolved sister. How thankful is that? Still, I just keep helping Mom. Compassion, duty, pity, and service calls. I feel sorry for her, but struggle with the sympathy part at times. She is not very nice, but absolutely needs help.

Can't wait to see my Dad. He is stuck in the Nursing Home with Advanced Stage Alzheimer's. He is doing better there than with his wife, and needed full-time assistance. We miss visiting him when I have to go downstate to care for Mom. We enjoy serving him, and helping him with his needs. Can't explain the difference, but it is as different as night and day. Strange...

We are living in reaction mode. One catastrophe after another. Weary in the battle, and needing a break!
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Anne, it's so natural to feel differently about each parent. We don't choose our parents, and some are easier to help. You are definitely battle weary. I hope you get some kind of break. That feeling of duty is hard to ignore, but you've really got your plate full. And then having them in different locations, so you have to travel so much...it's got to be tough.

You have so much wisdom to share. Keep checking in.
Carol
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Thank you, Carol. Hope all is well with your battles regarding the flooding. My Dad lives 4 minutes away. He was messing with me just now as I tried to video tape him and photograph him for CarePages.com and share with family. Dad wouldn't get up for the Men's luncheon today, and wouldn't eat while we sat there. He did put an orange juice glass in front of his face as I tried to get a snapshot of he and I together. There are so few good ones. And as his grandson tried to tickle him, he growled. I asked what kind of wild animal he was and he laughed and laughed. How I so wish I could have a video of him playing with us. As his Alzheimer's progresses, he is less able to communicate fully. I recorded some of his conversation today. Those will be precious memories.

As for Mom, she is better today after a new script arrived yesterday. But the doc said a problem with lymph node next to her lung and PET Scan Thursday prior to surgery. My husband bought me a beautiful van yesterday for my birthday. That should be a blessing for all the upcoming miles we have to travel. Some blessings in the midst of battle. A huge cold sore popped out under my nose yesterday, but it is already healing, and there's been so much loving support - how can I complain? Thanks for your kind words. My wisdom comes from above
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Carol, my post got cut off. I wanted also to say, my blessings come from above, as well. Sometimes those blessings come from the wonderful support, and love from the angels on this site. I pray you all have a blessed day! You have sure been a blessing to me. Thank you, A
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You, too, Anne. You are a blessing to us.
Carol
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Jamiea, just wondering how you and your Grandma are doing?
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Grandma- according to her she is great, even though she has a new sore on her toe that worries me and she refuses to go to the doctor because 'the only problem she has is that she is OLD.' Me- I keep thinking the white van with the 'I love me jackets' will arrive any minute now and take me away to the loony bin. Okay, I have to admit it, my last post could have been as brief as "I want my life back!" And yes, I admit I am tired of not knowing what the hell I am doing, or rather what I am supposed to do. Well, that is anything beyond the daily maintenance of endless laundry, cooking etc...at least I've got that part down. Meanwhile, my grandma's house is still furnished just like it was the day she fell and broke her hip, she never returned home. That was about 19 months ago and I still don't know what to do about her house. I have been planning a trip (750 miles one-way) to go pack up, donate or throw out everything that was left behind. Maybe I will follow through with it while my kids are with their dad for spring break. I have every intention of doing just that, but if I actually do, then I have more decisions to make. Sell her house in a lousy market? Rent? How long am I willing to let it sit and keep paying the taxes. I am so busy taking care of her and my kids that the house is the least of my worries; EXCEPT, I know it is a huge liability sitting empty, the taxes are an added expense and doing something with it (anything- even if it is wrong) would make some funds available to better our current situation. I have tried to summon the fix-it fairy but I guess she has retired, or maybe she 'fixed-it' herself to death (I can relate to that.) Whatever the case, it doesn't look like she'll be coming my way anytime soon. It looks like I'm just going to have to deal with it...all of it...no matter what. I really don't want to go empty my grandma's house; it holds her entire life since 1954 maybe even 1945. I'm not sure which is accurate, but what is the difference after 50 years??? I think I'd rather get a root canal without drugs, maybe even take a hot fire poker in the eye. I know this sounds terrible, but I wish she couldn't remember every single detail about her home. But she can, and she will ask about what happened to her belongings until the end of her days.

Hey- has anybody seen those guys with the snuggly jackets?
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I saw them, but you have to wait in line. I'm going somewhere with them, first. And you make me cry, because I am in the same predicament with my charge. Except for one thing. Mom's still in the house. Ahhhhhhh!!! I just want to scream! (And do regularly, so pray for my husband, will you?) Chicken Little didn't know what to do about anything, but had to learn a lot in the last year and 4 months. But it seems there's still so much to learn and do. So many decisions to make. Can't someone just make it all go away??? I want to be an ostrich again.

OK Jamiea, I have no comparison to you. 750 miles is farther away, and you're right. It is a big deal. What to do? What to do? I visit that place often... But the answers don't magically appear. What's wrong with this picture? Aren't we all supposed to live happily ever after. I think everyone is waiting on us to make all the decisions. Except for the persons who should have made them long ago. They don't know what to do, either. I don't vote for a root canal or a poke in the eye with a sharp object. How about a trip to Hawaii? Sounds better to me.

Can you ask Grandma, since she knows so much, what she thinks is the best solution?
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OK OK Jamiea, I'll bet you're a great Mom and a great caregiver. Grandma is blessed to have you take care of her. So what if you don't have all the answers. No one does, do they? The empty house is an important issue, though. My husband keeps telling me that I'm doing a fine job. I ask, "You want me to find a job?" Except I have several full time ones, and don't feel I'm doing anything "right." He's a full time job; my son's a full time job; my Mom's a full time job; etc... And I am not the perfect wife, mom, daughter, Guardian, or Conservator. In fact, I fall short every day. But for some strange reason I'll never understand, God has blessed me with some absolutely wonderful and supportive friends. Why? Just wish they'd tell me what to do...lol. I mean fix everything...that's what friends are for, right? LOL As soon as you get it all figured out, Jamiea, will you please let me know!?
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"I saw them, but you have to wait in line." Quote from Anne -

Anne, you made my day already! We all need your humor, because humor - even dark humor - is often all that gets us through.

The sheer logistical tasks of emptying homes (I did three) is a nightmare, and I was fortuante that they weren't homes of 50 years. The exhaustion, the feeling of powerlessness, the confusion, the guilt, the decisions - it's all so hard. Without some sense of spirituality, I'd truly have been at the head of the line. Now, I'm, er, well just in line: )

Thank you all for being who you are.
Carol
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I guess that was rather dark humor. Groan. Glad it made you smile. Thank you, Carol, for your input. The feelings you outlined through personal experience remind us that these are natural human feelings, and we share this in common with our fellow caregivers, and loved ones. The "nightmare" part, is numbing, isn't it? Thank God it passes. Guess we'll all be together waiting in some line... LOL Run if you see the white van approaching! Carol, you are a treasure. Thanks for joining in! Hope you ALL have a good day.
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Thank you ladies! I don't know why, but it helps me to know that there are others with similar feelings. Now that seems dark. Though truly I wouldn't wish a burden of this type for anyone.
(Well...except for an ex-boyfriend or three!)
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You ladies are cute! Isn't is just good to vent to someone who knows all too well what you are going through? I, too am a full time caregiver for my Mom who is in late stages of Alzheimers. I moved in with them to help care for her and provide respite for my Dad who is 76. Sometimes I just want to slap him cause nothing is good enough and I just don't do things "his" way.
I just have learned to breathe and make my way to the room I sleep in (notice I didn't say my room?). There are MANY stressful days and yes, depression seems to loom around the corner on many days. I am learning to write poetry specifically AD related and my current feelings. That seems to help and Thank the Good Lord for computers and the web! LOL It is my saving grace.
Anyway, I will start chatting with you ladies if you don't mind.?
I can add a few lighthearted stories just like yours and you can help me by just being there and writing your stories.
I have decided that my life as I knew it is now "on hold" and I will pick it back up when the finality of this dreaded disease happens.
Thanks for the ear!
Sharon
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Dear jamea, 750 miles is a lot too. I must drive 1,200 miles one way to empty out my dad's house, when I can. I already took the most important items with us when I moved him out of state. I too struggle with "what to do with the house" part. I'm considering renting to a friend's brother who is looking for a place to rent. At least my dad wouldn't lose his house then perhaps. I too am waiting for the market to pick up, won't hold my breath though. I don't want to rent to someone I don't know through a management company, I have enough headaches and other messes to clear up without creating more. If you ladies have a great answer I would love to hear it, before the cozy coats come calling for me. LOL Take care everyone. Hugs! Nauseated
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Nauseated, 1,200 miles is a very long trip. I hope you have back up! I don't have any great answers- but I have been seriously entertaining the idea of asking Dr. Phil to provide some advice. The one hang up I have about it, is that you have to agree to be on the show and I'm not wired for that kind of thing. I'd probably spontaneously combust on the spot! But then again...that would get me out of having to deal with all this mess. Okay, I am not making sense anymore. I think I'd better go to bed. I'll try again tomorrow, sweet dreams.
Jamie
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Dear friends, nice to have laha join us. Would love to hear some of your AD poetry sometime. Have you seen the laughter threads? My Dad is only 76 with Advanced Stage. It is sad to watch. I don't know how he feels, because he can't communicate well, but it hurts to see him lay in bed. As for this driving us crazy, my husband said, "Don't worry
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dumb system! Try #2: When I say something is driving me crazy, my husband says, "It's not a drive, but a short walk."

Naus, thanks for your message! :) Jameia, thanks for the humor! Hope you ladies have a wonderful day!
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764 miles is a long day of driving!!! But I did it, now that I am here - all I need to do is make sure this trip is productive. This should be interesting since the planning ahead phase consisted of booking myself a hotel room - for ONE night. Anyone starting to pick up on my issues with commitments?? No seriously, I just wanted to leave my options open and flexible on the chance that my budget accommodations turned out to be at the Bate's Motel. And that was a really good call on my part because assuming I survive the shower, I will definitely be upgrading for tomorrow night's stay and the remainder of my trip.

Hey Nauseated - About what to do with the house --I am thinking lease with option to buy / owner financing possible under acceptable circumstances. It may not be fast - but might be better than giving the house away, or having renters trash it, or having a property management company $$$ you to death, er... debt (whichever it is that they do.) Would certainly need solid contracts etc... I'll let you know after more due diligence.
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Jamie, wow is this a great thread. I don't really believe its wrong either way. Choices out of love are tough to make any way you look at it. I stayed with my dad for three weeks while mom was in the hospital (he has Alzheimers). In those three weeks I learned what I am not designed for. I love him dearly, but that is not my gift or calling.

Mom on the other hand is so wicked she and I couldn't be left in a room together for five minutes (NPD is how someone diagnosed behavior). I have provided for them in ways as an only child that I could.

I have made sure their medical needs were met on whatever level was necessary (literally). I provided care when I had to work (altho another story unto itself). I also got them the best assisted living facility (elegant and caregivers I treasure) to take care of their daily needs to live as normal as possible with their furniture and treasures.

For myself, I made a tough choice, but one that I can live with. Anne... my heart is with you and I honestly don't know how you do it (you get what I mean). To the rest of you I will quote others on this board "you are the real heroes".

Do not feel guilty because of what you choose. You have a family and you only get that one time in this lifetime. You cannot split yourself and expect to do 100% for each while divided however many ways.

Seek wise counsel. Talk with your husband first. Go from there. Investigate your choices and go meet staff, etc. When I contacted the assisted living facility I was in, the first question I was asked by the director was "It is important for your dad to keep his routine, bring his pills and we will provide him dinner at his normal time. Is this okay?"

Love... no easy answer. In my book its all about God's provisions and listening. For others, well... don't feel the guilt.
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Mitzi, you helped so many people with that post. Thank you. You are remarkable.

Carol
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Mitzi, love the post, you are inspiring!

Jamie, I am behind in reading posts, but yes, let us know how it goes with the house issue, your story could help the rest of us. I am not sure yet what to do with the house. I just know, I need to try to keep him from losing it, somehow. I think eventually it will all come to me, but one thing at a time. For now, the house is still intact, have friends checking on it, and maintaining yard.

Big caregiver hugs to you all!
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Hi all,

This is my first post and I have enjoyed reading (but also saddened by) your events of the past month and a half.
I have been caring for my father in my home for almost 4 years now but just became conservator/guardian last May due to his 2nd stage dementia. When my youngest went off to college, I had moved from southern California to northern Idaho so that I could live in the country, raise chickens, grow veggies, and live out my "country girl" dream. My father joined me 2 months later and so has curtailed a lot of what I thought I would be living. I didn't know the extent of his disability because he had been living with my sister who "was clueless". When he couldn't figure out how to make coffee and ate NOTHING unless I set it in front of him, I began to worry.
For the first couple of years I continued to work as a registered nurse but as we work 12 hour shifts, leaving him home stressed me a great deal. Once, when I was working, he bought a truck and had it delivered to the house. When he called 911 to alert them that the astronauts were in trouble in space, I knew I couldn't leave him home alone anymore.
Because he does not like strangers of any sort in the house, and because I don't want them in my house either, I opted to become his paid care giver this year. It is by far, less expensive than assisted living or a nursing home and because I AM a nurse, I feel qualified to provide good care for him. My mother (who is still married to him but chooses not to live with him) is angry at me for accepting money from his estate. But I won't apologize for it. I'm not rich; I need an income and I am providing a service that is a better alternative (at this moment). In addition, my life has been put on hold for 4 years now. I used to dance, enjoyed wine tastings, gardening, etc. but rarely get out. It has only been since the court made me legal guardian that I began to consider myself a care giver and have adopted a new paradigm, one that involves taking care of myself as well.
I have taken a lot of classes on aging and dementia, started a blog and a newsletter, have signed up for respite care so that I can get a break once a week, at least.
It's still VERY tiring, oft-times lonely and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to do this. But.....as you have all said, we all have to make choices that are best for all concerned, and we cannot feel guilty about those choices we do make, because we are making them with a loving heart.

Shelley
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Shelly, you have given up a lot. You did it legally, are getting paid something(though nothing will be enough to pay you for what you are doing). What even the courts don't realize is that we give up Social Security benefits for the caregiving years, besides income we'd be making at another job. Our system needs to change.

Caregiving is often lonely and isolatiing. Please keep checking in.
Carol
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Hi Anne, naus, I don't have any training in the mental arena. I realized I was stuck and needed help to make some change any change since there was no one else to take up the slack. So I decided I needed help, and found a psychological therapist who worked for an outfit that allowed a sliding scale payment options. So far it is working,
I vent and she makes suggestions for action.
My mom and I took care of my dad after his stroke for 7 years, then he fell- hit his head- and died 14 hours later. That same year mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
Its been 12yrs so far and now her care is a little easier. There was definitely some rough patches. I am the kind of person who doesn't like to ask for help, so it took some doing for God to put me in a place where I was ready to ask for help.
A while back I called the Alzheimer's National Association, and asked for an Elderlaw attorney they would recommend in my area, and he has helped with the legal side of things.
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Jerome-- There comes a time that you just can not do it all by yourself-I reached and was surprised that others supported me- I went to a therapist for a long time and she said to me I was waiting for someone to rescue me and at first I was angery with her and I was waiting for someone to tell me that I needed help and could not understand why no one was stepping up and saying you can not do it alone not that I said it others are helping and he was told he could not go home from rehab unless I got lots of help.
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