I'm so angry and frustrated that I yearn for the day she comes back so I can give her a piece of my mind! I'm just gonna give a quick background: Since 2018 I (23F) am taking care of my dad (79M), I'm his only child and since he and my mom divorced I came to live in another city with her. When he got sick in 2018, none of his siblings told me anything about it (including him) despite me talking regularly on the phone with him. They hid it from me (and later of course blamed me 'for not caring about him). When I found out he wasn't even walking and was bedridden for at least a couple months (and in a very bad shape because his siblings weren't even taking properly care of him - they didn't cut his hair or nails, he had deep bedsore wounds, was constantly in pain, very thin, they didn't even change his sheets for 3-4 days, horrible horrible situation) I flew to the city he lived and after 3 long and arduous months of caring for him, doing physiotherapy and managing to get him slightly better (and not thanks to my uncooperative uncles and aunts) I decided to bring him to live with me. That started a huge fight with one of my uncles and this other aunt and I basically had to argue with them on a daily basis so they could leave me alone. They hardly helped and I was never too much close with my dad's side of the family as most of them are just horrible people.
Moving forward a bit. My dad came to live with me and he only has a sister living in my town (my dad has like 7 siblings). I never asked for money or any help from them also because they didn't even want to help me taking care of my dad. When we arrived here, this aunt never looked for us. Or any other family he has. But they all knew he was living here with me. Last year in February she finally looked for us (after we were already living here for 6 months) and started 'visiting' (coming 1 day in two weeks or sometimes even 1 month). The problem is, every time she comes to visit she would talk bad things about me behind my back to the woman who also helps me take care of my dad. My aunt doesn't have the courage to say anything in front of me. I don't know if my aunt's really that stupid and thinks she never tells me anything or she does this on purpose bc she knows the woman will tell me. Maybe to get a reaction out of me or something. For an entire year I always knew she badmouthed me saying things like "I'm killing my dad" and "we're letting him go hungry" and "he's gonna die bc we don't give him food" etc and many things she makes up in that crazy head of hers, and I never said anything to her indicating I knew of the things she keeps saying behind my back. I always avoided any kind of confrontation with her but now I'm done.
My dad always helped his siblings even well into adulthood as he is their oldest brother and always felt the need to 'take care of them' even more than he even took care or worried about me. He never sees anything bad his brothers and sisters do and always defended them, even before he had dementia. So he's also kinda useless into this and always plays into the things his sister makes up leaving us almost always in a bad environment after she comes to visit. And she keeps doing this ALWAYS. She doesn't help with anything about taking care of him, always runs away when we need to do things like bathing him and changing his diapers but somehow loves to criticize everything. I never asked her for a penny, not to pay any meds or even when my dad was in the hospital. Also, I really don't consider these people my family honestly. They've only tried to sabotage me and fight with me and always make up false stories and spread to the whole family. I'm done taking it as if I'm committing a huge crime and that's starting with this b*tch I call 'aunt'. Next time she comes to my house I'm seriously gonna give her a piece of my mind because I don't owe nothing to anyone and she doesn't pay my bills!
That should scare your Aunt. I find it's better to use the legal system compared to using our emotions.
Good luck! Jenna
Start with some smaller boundaries. Then build up.
Does the Aunt call prior to visiting or just turn up? Be polite but firm: "please call before you visit to ensure the day/time suits us too". A very reasonable request.
Then you know when she is coming. You can be around, maybe not in the same room, but home. Close enough to wind the visit up when you think Dad's tiring etc. If you do hear any bad talk, call her aside, tell her if she has something to say to you, she can say it TO you.
If she is rude, tell her politely & firmly that this is not acceptable & not helpful to Dad either. Ask what specific problems she has with his care. Listen & just maybe you can explain? She may have some wrong ideas about his care. Of course she might be a loud bossy know-it-all in which case ignore all she says! Honestly, ignore what she says. Who cares what she thinks of you, right?
Now if Dad does not want her to visit... tell her that & shut the door.
The law is on your side as long as you continue to properly care for your father. You can cut these people off! The nastiness of their behavior will only bring everyone down in an already difficult situation. I say give her the final warning shot, if she doesn't want to keep her opinions to herself and act like a lady, she can find someone else to visit.
Your house you can refuse her entrance. So next time she calls tell her she is no longer welcome in "ur" home. Same thing when she shows up the door. Ghost her. If she threatens you with APS (Adult protection services) tell her bring it on. You have an employee who she has tried to slander you to.
File a restraining order on Evil Aunt. Let her be served with the papers stating she cannot come within XX many feet of your dad, and you.
And then make sure it's enforced. Dad doesn't need this toxic soul in his life.
You don't even need to talk to her. With dad's dementia, he won't remember and probably would be happier to not have her in his life.
Some people are just mean.
You are doing great, taking in a sick old man and caring for him. Sounds like his family is a hot mess. You don't owe them anything and you can shut them out of your life. You have enough on your plate.