I’m so upset! I finally decided to move mom into assisted living and now this!

Think of it like you're taking a kid to college and moving him into the dorms. Nowadays, other students swoop in to move all your student's stuff in for them, and your kid can't get rid of you fast enough.

Now, while I had to move my mother's things into her room myself because she moved in pre-Covid, we nonetheless tried to keep it upbeat much like moving day for college. My mom was upset and stressed out, but I got very close to her when it was time to go and repeated what my grandfather had told her when he dropped her off at college in 1947 -- "Now, just stick to the books and don't worry about the boys." (She did precisely the opposite when at college.)

It was a light-hearted moment, but it took a little of the sting out of me having to leave her. Try to do the same and let Mom know that you'll be back, she's safe, and the Covid situation isn't forever. Let her know the ways you'll keep in touch, and of course, do it.

When it comes down to it, it doesn't much matter as to whether you leave her inside the door or outside. You're going to have to leave her, and that'll be tough on both of you. Do your best to let her know that it'll be OK, and cry later after you get home.

Sadly, in these weird times, none of us is 'special'. We all want to say OUR LOVED ONE IS SPECIAL!! LET'S CHANGE THE RULES JUST FOR THEM! ANd these please fall on deaf ears, because EVERYONE'S LO is special the THEY don't want a potentially ill patient in their facility.

I think MJ's advice is great. YOU keep a good attitude and make it seem totally normal the way the NH is letting mom in and then go home and throw a fit if needs be. Being angry at this stupid virus hasn't done a thing but raise blood pressure and cause normal people to act crazy.

Think of it like this. Once your mother is settled in, do you really want the relatives of every other resident coming in to the facility during the pandemic? Or would you rather have her in a safe, controlled environment?

I’m not saying that my mom, or our situation is SPECIAL. I just can’t imagine leaving a confused women with dementia at the curb when she doesn’t want to go to begin with. Not asking or expecting SPECIAL treatment, just thought things were supposed getting better with covid. I will need to wait to put her in a facility because I won’t be able to live with myself doing that to my mother, to me that’s just mean and cruel. I can’t think of it like taking a kid to college, been there done that and it is no way near the same, in my opinion. Not trying to start anything. If she outlives me then someone else will need to deal with it all.

I’m kinda going through the same thing...my mother fell out of her wheelchair last week & landed on her face...bleeding...she has dementia & forgets she can’t walk...so I called ambulance...they stitched up wound...& then I inquired about nursing home care...but they only allowed me 3 visits about 20 minutes each...wearing a mask 😷 & ppe...she had trouble recognizing me & called me Miss Plastic. They called me that she was agitated & hitting aides ...I told them she wasn’t getting enough of her required meds...& that she only punches with her right hand...so stay on left side...& to play music before bedtime...& dim lights & turn off tv....anyway..I visited 3 days in a row for about 20 min ...then went back 2 days later & was advised I have no more visits left!...I’ve been primary caregiver for 4 years...& now not allowed to see her? I told them she needs assistance with everything...& need to put food on fork or spoon & her left hand don’t work...when I saw her...food in front of her...in bed...not knowing what to do with it. Then told after a few minutes I have to leave...mother saying...Miss Plastic...please come back to help me....
I know for sure I can’t deal with not seeing my mother..even though I know she’s a handful...I’ll have her do short term therapy & then take her back home 🏡...

Good luck & hugs 🤗

I totally understand what you mean, this is a horrible situation on a normal day. Add all the Covid rules and it's unbearable. My Mother went to assisted living in the beginning of February. My sister and I were given Dr notes, that she needs to see her family. We can go in as often as we like. It is VERY unhealthy for dementia patients not to see family. They take all the precautions at the front door and they have not had one incident. Maybe your area will be willing to do that. I hope this works out for you and her. Although going to college can be scary. It's the beginning of great things. The total opposite of a nursing home. Best wishes to you!

You’re right so take your discussion elsewhere. People on this forum have lost their loved ones due to COVID getting in to LTC and ALL facilities. Those residents don’t have a choice, the rest of us do ;)

My dad's move was similar. However, my husband and I were able to remain with him in an isolated room for a while and the staff welcomed him like a king...they really knew how to handle this awkward move-in. A close friend had a very similar experience the one you have described. It's like just dropping your kindergartner off at a brand new school...and not going inside to meet the teacher! It is heart wrenching. I don't have any answers. I have also experienced the feeling of just wanting to "sleep through this." Another close friend made the exact same comment yesterday as her elderly mom is hospitalized with Covid and pneumonia. Caring for elderly loved ones is extremely difficult. The added layer of Covid adds "trauma-like" stress. My dad succumbed to Covid he contracted inside his caring and well managed assisted living facility. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I’m sorry Nicky. I would not be ok with leaving Mom at the door either. As if caregiving wasn’t difficult enough right?! Sending you a hug.

I think your tinfoil hat is on too tight, seems to be cutting off blood flow to your brain.

That's what every nursing home that I am familiar with is doing right now. Then they have the residents quarantine in their room for two weeks to make sure they aren't carrying Covid. After that they can schedule visits.

Nicky, it sounds like the drop off ALF situation is too hard for you to bear right now.

Is there an alternative for a few weeks or longer you could live with instead?

Wow just wow!!! Thank you for those with the kind words and for rest of you how do u sleep at night? This is a forum to help each other and I’m sure everyone knows that when u write in caps you are yelling and I didn’t deserve that. The other home in my area does let you go in and set up but it doesn’t have memory care like the one that will not. I was upset and reaching out to only to be smacked in the face.

Sure seems like you've gotten a lot of compassionate answers here on a public forum such as this. What were you expecting, exactly??? Who left you a comment that warrants they 'shouldn't sleep at night'? Do you not think the vast majority of us are in the same boat, having COVID running rampant & dealing with it? Our loved ones being forced to see us via window visits only? I haven't been able to hug, kiss or touch my mother in one year b/c her MC won't allow any entry but a window visit. Meanwhile, they've also kept her safe and none of the 123 residents in AL and MC combined have died from the virus.

You have a choice of dropping your mother off at the AL you've chosen, taking her home with you, or finding another AL that allows you to go inside with her.
Nobody deserves you telling them 'shame on you' when nobody said 'shame on you' to YOU, in spite of you saying you 'just want to go to bed some days & not wake up'.

Most of us have loved ones who have been affected by COVID, and so have WE, so we've welcomed the vaccines which will help re-open these ALs and allow us to see our loved ones again. "Cash cow" comments have no place here. We read many posts on this forum from people who have lost their parents in nursing homes where COVID positive patients were sent to recuperate directly from the hospital. They are heartbreaking posts to read, as you may imagine.

Hope you arrive at a decision that you can live with, and that doesn't make you hate yourself or others in the process. And if you find an AL/MC for your mom that does allow visitors inside, I hope they can keep her safe from the virus. That is the trade off you'll agree to if that's the choice you make.

Nicky, I'm sorry for the comments you have unfairly recieved. I took it as you venting about the situation. I'm still confused on the "Special" comment. Unfortunately, it seems some ppls feeling and opinion outrank others. You got the short end of the stick on this one. Really sorry for your situation. I truly hope you can get it figured out and I hope the anger on this thread doesn't spread to others.

I think it's been a very hard time for all of us.

Sending a big hug

Sorry to have offered a suggestion to make it easier on your mom. When I moved my mom in, her feelings were my top concern, not mine, so making it an upbeat experience seemed to work well.

I'd write more, but my mom is still my priority. You see, she's currently recovering from Covid and a blood infection, she hasn't eaten since mid-December, and she's dying. I've been with her twice --briefly -- since March 9 last year, and yes, I remember the date because it's seared into my brain. There's a good chance she'll die without me there.

Again, I'm sorry to have made a suggestion you considered flippant. Obviously, I wasn't aware YOU were suffering. /s

MJ1929, there are no words. I’m so sorry. I so wish COVID had never happened!

MJ1929 I am very sorry about your Mother and cannot imagine the pain it has caused you. I think since Covid started we all have suffered with our aging parents. I wanna scream, when someone complains they can't go to the bar. But since they aren't in our situation, they don't "get it". As with Nicky, once she was face to face with the situation, she came here to vent. I don't think anyone has suffered more than the elderly and their families. My father went on hospice during this, and truly I believe we made the wrong decision with it. His Dr didn't want him coming to the hospital because, he knew he could not recover from the virus, if he got it. My father passed away and my mother broke her hip and is in AL with dementia. We all have to make these horrible choices and I think we only understand, if we've lived it. Once again, I am sorry for the pain this has caused you and hope you will see your Mother again soon.

I am sorry they didn't explain the rules to you. Covid-19 rules do vary facility to facility and I think I would attempt to take this rule of theirs as their way to try to keep your Mom and all others safe until vaccinations are more the norm, and families can visit. Hope you and your Mom can visit by phone.

My LO has had two separate Covid infections since late March 2020, and has been in quarantine or isolation all of that time except for a brief period between August and October 2020.

We went from seeing her 3-5 times every week to 7 visits last summer.

From what I read and observe, most good facilities are attempting to meet safety needs on an individual facility basis. I am almost literally heartbroken with missing her, yet having had Covid myself, I also understand how intensely difficult this is for EVERYONE living in this situation.

Having lived this from both sides myself, I think it might be as helpful as anything right now can be, for you to acquaint yourself as much as possible with infection rate in your area, whether the AL personnel and residents have all been vaccinated, how they handle new infections. Maybe you already know.

This rotten situation really is unique, except for the central obvious truth that suffering is most i tense among the most vulnerable.

I personally wouldn’t be put off by the requirements the AL has imposed upon your mom. I’m sure it’s the same for all the new entries. And fact is, however bleak it sounds, the “front curb” entry is often the most manageable for any new resident.

Hugs to you and your mom, however you lovingly decide to work this out. Trust me, you are not alone.

I appreciate the sympathy for my situation --truly I do.

However, my post wasn't about me, it was about my mother, and that's what I believe is a big part of OP's problem. I understand she's frustrated and angry, but she needs to think about what's best for her mother. If staying home with her is best, then OK, but her comment that "if she outlives me, then someone else has to deal with it" tells me it probably isn't.

I understand OP's frustrations, but I'd advise her that martyrdom helps no one, especially the one who is the self-proclaimed martyr. My sympathy wanes when the pity party gets out of control, especially in a forum where people who have suffered far more respond to others with grace.

So sorry, Nicky1964, for what you are going through, and all of the nasty, nasty responses.

What each person goes through is an individual unique experience. And each person deserves empathy. Shame to those who rank their problems higher and behave condescendingly to those they deem "not worthy".

Remember, everyone, empathy is what all of us should show to each other.

I have no answers to be helpful, but I will offer compassion and understanding. I can only imagine the decision to put your mom in an ALF was hard and the acceptance that she is declining is even harder. My heart aches for both you and your mom.

Yes, that’s pretty standard practice right now, My mom went into A. L. 3 mo. ago. She wasn’t acclimating AT ALL...dementia became even worse. Mom was packing up her things daily, so the facility started allowing one family member to visit her in the new apartment. The rest of us have not been allowed up there, but can visit downstairs.

After a year of caring for my parents (89,90), they moved into Assisted Living last November. The visiting protocols vary from week to week and it is very frustrating at times. Their furniture moved first too – so they could sanitize it. They have received their first dose of the vaccine so I am optimistic with the second dose scheduled, visiting will resume with some normalcy. We were lucky enough to secure a unit on the first floor, so I have been able to window visit via phones and put up a small bird feeder.  The staff also helps them with their ipad so they can visit with their granddaughter at college through facetime.  If a first-floor residence is not possible, perhaps they could bring her to a window on the first floor in one of the common areas to visit on a regular basis.  One thing I was not prepared for was – they were very, very, very vocal about wanting to go home and that lasted about 2 months – it was heartbreaking. While they would rather be in their home, its not a topic of conversation each call. Change is hard on the elderly. I have since found out from friends that it may take a year for parents to be content (maybe never happy) in their new surroundings. Take care.

It has been a difficult time with COVID. But protecting a high risk population is priority. It is frustrating. My sister who is in long term care facility has not had a face to face - touching visit in over a year. We are all thankful that the facility adopted stringent protocols. As a result they have had only 4 deaths.

As to your frustration and anger - that is normal. Just realize that The only thing you can do is do your best UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES and know that the best is rarely perfect or ideal

It all sucks of course. There are people who have held off on placement due to covid restrictions. You do of course have that option. How the drop off is handled depends on your mother's mental status. If she is confused due to dementia, then really having you be there might not matter as much as you think because you won't be there 24/7. Doing a move to AL during this must be really scary for you; and if you feel even a little guilty, having to drop her at the door would make that so much worse. It would be so nice for you to be able to set up her soon but you would likely have to get a company to deliver her larger stuff like furniture anyway. Maybe they can take pictures of set up room and you can show her. But really, I think some of the Covid restrictions on visitors at least will be in place for a while. And that might not be that awful if it helps curb future infections from Covid and also things like flu. I personally doubt that "normal", will be the same as it was before. Sorry if people seemed rude in their answers but many of us, myself included have had family members die in the past year. My FIL died at age 95, not from Covid but we had not seen him for 3 months before he died. So that struck a nerve with some people I think.

Dear Nicky1964,
I know how hard it is to go though the painful experiences regarding our loved ones. I know my experience will not make you feel better, but hope that you will know you are not alone. 
 
I too had my mother placed in an Assisted Living Memory Care Facility. This was four years ago before Covid. I was able to bring her into the facility but it was suggested not to stay long. Even though I was able to accompany her into the facility, that didn’t take away the pain I felt walking away from the facility, nor the hurt I felt every day.  What I’m trying to say is whether you can enter the facility or not, the pain you feel would still be there.  It hurt so much but I knew she was in a safe place, which I could no longer provide. I tried very hard to remind myself that and tried very hard to gain trust in the facility to take care of her. This will be a very difficult and trying time, no doubt about it. 
 
Some facilities are allowing visits (outside/inside), so I hope you do get one soon. This is all new for both you and your mom. My heart goes out to you. I do know what you are going through. 

I lost my mom last May, but every time I look back to question what I did, I know I did the right thing for her.

Please take care..

I feel you. Dad was put into a MC in Aug. Which fortunately we got to visit once a week for 1/2 hour.
Then we had to move him + because of COVID basically the same restrictions on moving. We did get to drive Dad to new place (?) but then haven't been able to really see him since the Lockdown. The only good thing is I feel good about the care he is getting that I couldn't give. Prayers for you and your Mom.