Save every penny you can. Nobody else will do it and you'll have two broke seniors on your hands and no way to work without having to drop everything for their care.
NeedHelpWithMom - the burial arrangements and momma having enough money is no problem. I do not pay for anything. It is just my husband and me and he knows that I want to have our matters set up way before. Dad had already purchased the burial plots for him and momma. For us kids too and I went ahead and pre paid what I could on mommas funeral. What I was referring too is I wished dad did more research on what he wanted done before his death. I wished that he talked to siblings about how things were going to be split. Same for momma and me for that matter. He wanted a trust set up to not only take care of momma but also take care of us kids and our kids but there were some roadblocks. He wanted his iras to be put in the trust. We couldn't do that according to our cpa and attorney. It took me two and a half years with the attorney and mommas money to try to get things kind of set up. Also on the distribution part we had more issues. Dad never told me him and momma had a promissory note on a townhouse they once owned. Also he never told me that he was giving me some property in another state. Momma never understood any of it. Still doesn't. I have spent the last 13 years trying to explain to her and my siblings how it works and what to expect after momma is gone. I have given up. They do not want to try to understand. Momma can't help it though. All they do is stick their hands out and expect money. They are afraid that somebody is going to get more than them. I tried to get dad to go to the attorney and/or make some phone calls but he never did. His will was 11 years out dated. Then he got sick and we lost him. I had to figure things out with my attorney, our cpa, the internet and wherever I could find info. and then being treated horrible by my family on top of everything because they feel like they are not getting any money. You see my parents have helped out my siblings for the last 25 years or so and when the gravy train stopped they threw me under the bus and don't want to have anything to do with me. Maybe if some of these issues were addressed before we lost him I wouldn't have this huge responsibility and hurt?
You bring up an important topic. Please let others know what your final wishes are. Don’t place your spouse or children in a position of not knowing what you would have wanted.
For example, do you wish to be cremated, have your body donated to science, buried in a family plot? Service or no memorial of any kind? Do you prefer a celebration of life? Do you have a will made? Etc, etc, etc..
If your parents don’t tell you their specific plans then feel free to make your own selections on how to proceed. Do make sure that what they want isn’t paid for by you if they don’t have adequate funds for it. Pay for it only if this is what you want to do and can afford it.
Ask them directly what they desire and hope that they will acknowledge that you are doing your best to plan ahead for their final arrangements.
Don't do it. Should have put her in assisted living sooner. Would not be the primary caregiver, medical and financial POA, Trustee and Executor. Would have asked dad more questions about his intentions before he is gone and encouraged him to go to the attorney to get everything straight now before it is too late. I wished dad would have talked to momma and siblings about his intentions and what is going to happen after he is gone but then again I don't know if that would have helped.
I would warn myself that this is going to go on WAY longer than anticipated. Years and years. That mom will outive everyone, just about literally, and linger in stage 6 mixed dementia purgatory for absolute ages. I love my mom but through a mental wall as she’s been relentlessly difficult until her seizure. The difficult ones seem to last the longest, don’t they?! I want peace for all of us…
That LO may someday say they are finished with being poked and prodded , No more hospital trips , or procedures, no tests, no more rehab and dreaded PT , and they want to just rest . This is fine. Don’t push them to “ get better”.
I wouldn't warn myself, as I felt my level of CG for my FIL, dad and mom were well within the appropriate boundaries--right to the end. They didn't linger long enough to be burdens, which none of them wanted.
I would not just WARN--but flat out tell my DH he was not going to do In Home care for his mother. She's sucking all the joy out of his life-it's truly tragic, yet b/c he retired from his beloved job TO take care of MIL---and we thought she had a few weeks, I never said anything but that I'd be supportive.
If I had known, I would have never offered support for the stupidest decision ever made by 3 'intelligent' adults.
I truly don't think he will recover health wise, physically or mentally from this experience. It has been truly awful with zero 'happy, loving' moments. If he hadn't disliked his mother before this experience, this would have tipped the scales.
She belonged in a care facility 11 months ago. She belongs in one now, more so than ever. And she will NEVER, under any circumstances, leave her home.
I've watched a funny, quirky, lovable guy become someone I don't even want to look at anymore. It's only faith that she will one day pass and this will end that keeps me going, and from leaving him for a calmer living situation.
Am I bitter? Oh, my. I can't even begin to describe it. I probably don't have 10 years left with my DH (he's 17 years post liver transplant). He has sacrificed so much for someone who really doesn't deserve near what she's been given.
“STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU.
STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO OTHERS' PREFERENCES.
You are in charge of your life and destiny. That other people have opinions and preferences on what is necessary for you to live a happy, healthy, stable, financially secure life is irrelevant.”
True. But if it can break up family, maybe the family was never that loving and cohesive to begin with. In other words, this gave you an opportunity to see the true nature of the family members.
Preventing a problem is better than spending years later fixing it. Ventingisback: be smart about it, get off your butt now and start preventing problems now.
Those who need care can lose awareness of the efforts made to care for them. Don’t get down about it. Know you are doing the right thing and make sure to care for yourself.
I have answered this question once but want to answer again. If I could go back i time, I would check in more with my own feelings. For the last past month, I have felt more depressed than usual. I think these feelings have always been there... I just ignored them because I would not allow myself to be upset with my dad even if I had a right to be.
Don’t give up. Sometimes it’ll feel like your life is so full of problems, as a result of having helped other people with their problems. Go through your list of problems, and one by one get rid of them. Before you know it, you’ve solved that, too.
What I would add is that everything needs to be in writing, preferably with an attorney’s help: who is expected to do what, what the compensation is (if any), and so on. You would think that because it is family that would not be necessary but it is. Put it all in writing and keep accurate records of every dollar spent, every doctor’s visit, every prescription filled, etc.
Yes, all of the things that you mentioned are important.
My grandparents and parents made all of their burial arrangements as well. It makes things so much easier for everyone to plan ahead.
My mother always made sure that we knew where all of their important documents were stored.
I’m sorry that your family had loose ends that weren’t finalized. It’s nice to be able to be at peace with knowing exactly how things will be handled.
You bring up an important topic. Please let others know what your final wishes are. Don’t place your spouse or children in a position of not knowing what you would have wanted.
For example, do you wish to be cremated, have your body donated to science, buried in a family plot? Service or no memorial of any kind? Do you prefer a celebration of life? Do you have a will made? Etc, etc, etc..
If your parents don’t tell you their specific plans then feel free to make your own selections on how to proceed. Do make sure that what they want isn’t paid for by you if they don’t have adequate funds for it. Pay for it only if this is what you want to do and can afford it.
Ask them directly what they desire and hope that they will acknowledge that you are doing your best to plan ahead for their final arrangements.
Think with your head not your heart, the heart is not able to rationalize, that is not it's function.
How about having a magic eraser and wiping the entire episode clean to where it didn’t exist?
Seriously, if a time machine existed, I would go forward, not backwards! I absolutely adore science fiction movies that portray time travel.
This is fine. Don’t push them to “ get better”.
I would not just WARN--but flat out tell my DH he was not going to do In Home care for his mother. She's sucking all the joy out of his life-it's truly tragic, yet b/c he retired from his beloved job TO take care of MIL---and we thought she had a few weeks, I never said anything but that I'd be supportive.
If I had known, I would have never offered support for the stupidest decision ever made by 3 'intelligent' adults.
I truly don't think he will recover health wise, physically or mentally from this experience. It has been truly awful with zero 'happy, loving' moments. If he hadn't disliked his mother before this experience, this would have tipped the scales.
She belonged in a care facility 11 months ago. She belongs in one now, more so than ever. And she will NEVER, under any circumstances, leave her home.
I've watched a funny, quirky, lovable guy become someone I don't even want to look at anymore. It's only faith that she will one day pass and this will end that keeps me going, and from leaving him for a calmer living situation.
Am I bitter? Oh, my. I can't even begin to describe it. I probably don't have 10 years left with my DH (he's 17 years post liver transplant). He has sacrificed so much for someone who really doesn't deserve near what she's been given.
Hold on, wait a minute…
Then we wouldn’t have material for our reality show, family sitcom and standup comedy act!
LOL 😆
“STOP LETTING OTHER PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU.
STOP SACRIFICING YOURSELF TO OTHERS' PREFERENCES.
You are in charge of your life and destiny. That other people have opinions and preferences on what is necessary for you to live a happy, healthy, stable, financially secure life is irrelevant.”
“SO WHAT”
“You are in charge. Act like it.”
True. But if it can break up family, maybe the family was never that loving and cohesive to begin with. In other words, this gave you an opportunity to see the true nature of the family members.
I can’t top that.
What I would add is that everything needs to be in writing, preferably with an attorney’s help: who is expected to do what, what the compensation is (if any), and so on. You would think that because it is family that would not be necessary but it is. Put it all in writing and keep accurate records of every dollar spent, every doctor’s visit, every prescription filled, etc.