I would say, don’t become a primary caregiver for a parent. I wouldn’t recommend it, even if you are fairly compensated. It’s too difficult for many reasons.
-PREP BEFORE you get deeply ENTRENCHED Look at Options, Best/Worst case scenarios, Other People's Experiences. Because your parents May Not have Planned Ahead for any of the inevitable. What's the WORST you've seen your parents act? That (and worse), may become the person you're caring for 24/7 daily. Although they might seem OK, Logic an Reason may no longer work with them. Keep all this in your back pocket for future reference.
PROTECT and Conserve Your Resources EARLY ON -Time, energy, finances etc. You may help your LO over a hurdle, but they'll Keep Declining and you'll become tapped out more and more. And Please Protect your Health! Caregiving CAN HURT YOU also
I'm playing a bit of Catch-up lol. But getting there now
When it comes to dementia of any kind, Google sucks, ya gotta look alot deeper than just a simple one page article on any form of dementia. There is so much more involved, that I never new.
Have a good contractor. Have a good appliance repair guy. Have a good yard guy. Have a good seasonal yard girl (flowers/shrubs). Make sure everyone makes you laugh.
You'll need to set boundaries with the person you're caring for, and also with non-primary "co-caregivers"/back seat drivers. More than OK to step back if you're not appreciated and respected.
Understand that it never gets better. It will consume more of your time and will affect your life more and your mental well being. I took care of my mother when I was in my teens until she died. Took care of dad in my 30's until he passed. It eats you inside and robs you of your personal life. There should be some kind of course people should take before assuming care giver, if you can choose how to deal with your loved one. One thing people don't realize there may come a time where you become resentful of the one you are caring for. This will affect your loved one negatively AND will affect you even more and your ability to provide the care they need. In the facility I am in many of the residents came when their families became exhausted from care giving. I have talked to many family members on visiting days and many say they wish they sent them to AL or nursing home sooner.
That it changes you. Your a different person now. Now that I'm in this forum and have so much better information, and support, I can see how it's changed me, but now I am focusing on the positive changes.
I think in the long run its made me a better person
You will join a new caste: the invisible army of caregivers and do the hardest job our society has to offer, without any compensation or appreciation. Most people do not like to be reminded of frailty, decline and death, and look the other way while ignoring or minimizing your experience.
You will find out that is up to you ALONE to value who you are and what you are doing. You will lose friendships, siblings and your social life. These were the most lonely years of my existence. After my LOs passed away I find re-adapting to "normal life" is a huge challenge.
Listen to Clark Howard, and if your own parent has not purchased Long Term Care by the time they are 60 years old: Purchase it for him/her, yes, out of your own pocket.
If u r the empathetic person within the dynamics of your family especially if u have siblings that u notice r selfish growing up...it only gets worse. Do NOT UNDER any circumstances do more then any of them. If they move to another state then u move to another state. If they lift a dish u lift a dish. If they only visit on holidays u only visit your parents on holidays. If u r single get a pretend family.
If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself: Not everyone who appears to be your friend, is your friend. Some are even enemies. Some are even in your family.
Since caregiving is very tough, you'll discover quickly along the way, who your friends are, and who aren't. But be happy about it, Ventingisback. The earlier you discover people's true nature, the earlier you can spend time with people who really matter! See it as luck!
Cut ties when necessary. Enemies aren't just unfriendly. They're dangerous to keep in your life. Really. Dangerous for your peace, your self-confidence, your everything.
Yeah, Anxietynacy! Getting rid of those people, creates lots of room for GOOD things to happen. Sometimes, it's all about subtracting: eliminating people/things from one's life.
If I could go back in time, I'd also tell myself: Eliminate, subtract. And watch what GOOD things start blooming in your life. If you don't see any blooming, you haven't subtracted enough.
Total nightmare, if they were/are a narcissist. We caregivers all deserve trophies, medals, heaven, whatever else we want.
But don't let their narcissism change you. Continue being the sparkling, great person you are. That's why you were targeted in the first place. That's why mud was thrown at you. Get up, get cleaned up, get up again and again. They want you down on your knees, broken. Depressed.
Don't let them ever change you.
And if possible, subtract, eliminate certain people/things from your life.
My sister told me I was targeted and groomed to be a servant because I was the “ soft one “. ( out of 5 ). I don’t think that being weak is the same as being sparkling or great. But thanks for trying .
Research in advance!
-PREP BEFORE you get deeply ENTRENCHED
Look at Options, Best/Worst case scenarios, Other People's Experiences. Because your parents May Not have Planned Ahead for any of the inevitable. What's the WORST you've seen your parents act? That (and worse), may become the person you're caring for 24/7 daily. Although they might seem OK, Logic an Reason may no longer work with them. Keep all this in your back pocket for future reference.
PROTECT and Conserve Your Resources EARLY ON
-Time, energy, finances etc. You may help your LO over a hurdle, but they'll Keep Declining and you'll become tapped out more and more. And Please Protect your Health! Caregiving CAN HURT YOU also
I'm playing a bit of Catch-up lol. But getting there now
My father quit when my mother died, and now he thinks I made up everything he did.
You don't owe your parents, our society and culture owes them a viable chance to continue living gracefully if they can.
I think in the long run its made me a better person
Definitely much more knowledgeable
You will find out that is up to you ALONE to value who you are and what you are doing. You will lose friendships, siblings and your social life. These were the most lonely years of my existence. After my LOs passed away I find re-adapting to "normal life" is a huge challenge.
I thank the universe for this forum!
Not only are we dealing with the loneliness of caregiving,
I feel like, post covid and political division has enhanced the the caregivers loneliness
What I would definitely tell myself is don't take it home! Leave the problems there and behind you. Don't bring it home to your family
Take care of yourself first, cause you’re no good to mom, hubby & child if you don’t.
You’ll be a caretaker to mom solo. Your older siblings lied!! 🤣 Reach out for resources & contact agencies early!
Not everyone who appears to be your friend, is your friend. Some are even enemies. Some are even in your family.
Since caregiving is very tough, you'll discover quickly along the way, who your friends are, and who aren't. But be happy about it, Ventingisback. The earlier you discover people's true nature, the earlier you can spend time with people who really matter! See it as luck!
Cut ties when necessary. Enemies aren't just unfriendly. They're dangerous to keep in your life. Really. Dangerous for your peace, your self-confidence, your everything.
If I could go back in time, I'd also tell myself:
Eliminate, subtract. And watch what GOOD things start blooming in your life. If you don't see any blooming, you haven't subtracted enough.
But don't let their narcissism change you. Continue being the sparkling, great person you are. That's why you were targeted in the first place. That's why mud was thrown at you. Get up, get cleaned up, get up again and again. They want you down on your knees, broken. Depressed.
Don't let them ever change you.
And if possible, subtract, eliminate certain people/things from your life.
My sister told me I was targeted and groomed to be a servant because I was the “ soft one “. ( out of 5 ).
I don’t think that being weak is the same as being sparkling or great. But thanks for trying .
Great = warm-hearted
I bet you were/are the kindest, most warm-hearted. Narcissists target these people.