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Trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right in a relationship, whether it’s family, a so-called friendship, a stranger, then it isn’t right. If you feel you’re being taken advantage of while caregiving, then you are. Trust your feelings & perceptions.

Let your inner wisdom guide you.

By “trust your gut”, I literally mean trust your gut. If you’re putting on weight around your stomach, your gut is trying to tell you something.
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House upkeep and maintenance is very expensive for one person who is bedbound.
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Make some friends. Prioritize friendships.
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I’d warn myself:
1. Watch out. Your mom will exploit you, financially, emotionally, psychologically, physically, and she WILL NOT CARE.
2. In fact, she’ll be happy that she’s ruining your life.
3. When was the last time she did something for you?? Something kind?? 5,000 years ago??
3. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Big understatement.
4. If you knew all of this about her, years ago, what would you have done? Do THAT now.
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I’d say to myself:
Listen to InvisibleOne’s words:

“Please value your life, even when others do not.”
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There is no cure for old age. There is only one trajectory--and it is down. Every medical issue addressed leaves room for the next, which will be worse. Don't rush to fix every little medical issue, and stifle their independence with oversolicitous care to keep them "safe". You're only prolonging their misery...and yours.
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If I could go back in time, I’d give myself a lot more love. I’d treat myself as well as I treat my elderly mom, friends and those I cherish.

“Honor your parents…”
I’d honor myself, too.
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It's probably just me being anxious.. but I would love not to go back - but forward. Like in 'Back to the Future II'..

Am I eating awful pizza, my DH umployed & me a broken wreck?

Or did we survive this period? The changes, job changes, the downsize, coped with family members & our own illnesses & treatments. All the life transitions..

Is my future me fit & fabulous on a cruise somewhere?
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Beatty, I agree, seeing the future would be interesting!

(By the way, the point about going back in time, is just an exercise in what warning you would give yourself. Often that warning can help others who read it. And actually often that warning, is something you should be counter-acting right now, not just past.)

After your comment, I started myself wondering what my future, 20 years from now, might look like. Same kind of questions as you…Am I eating awful pizza? Does it have mushrooms, which I hate?

Well…how good have I been at guessing my future in the past? I’ve sometimes been way off! Sudden obstacles that I never imagined. I didn’t expect my mom to suddenly get ill. My helping has derailed my plans for years.

Beatty, I wish us not to be broke in the future. And eating awful pizza.

We don’t deserve that. And I’m sure we’ll figure out a way, to a bright future.

“Is my future me fit & fabulous on a cruise somewhere?”

Yes Beatty. See you on the cruise!
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Don't do it to yourself. You will lose yourself trying to help someone else, and you won't get those years back.
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Be careful:
we all know that helping our LOs is EXTREMELY stressful. BUT what we don’t realize is that there’s all sorts of effects we’re unaware of. The stress you’re aware of: is ONLY the tip of the iceberg. In reality, you’re experiencing much more stress.
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I would have tried harder to stop my mother buying an apartment near us just one day after she saw it, with no discussion about what sort of life she would have there and what she expected of us. She regretted it almost at once and so did we, for six long years.
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Plan, plan plan. Plan ahead. Not later, when you perceive you're old. Do it early and keep it updated. Put your property in someone else's name while you're "young". Give extra money away. See an elder law attorney to make it legal and to keep your life savings in your family, not some greedy investors. Make it clear exactly what you want for elder care.
Then clean up your house and mark and label things with names and dates and make a list of who gets what. Take all that extra "stuff" and donate it somewhere. Do a bag a day, a room a week, something like that. Ask for help if you need it. It's so hard on the family to do this later. AND it's much worse if the state comes in and takes over.
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Never give up on your needs and desires. This does nothing but cause burnout and stress.
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Dear women (99% of us on the forum are women) (that’s because 99% of people in the world helping their elderly parents, ARE women),

Please don’t sacrifice your life. You’re kind and nice. But there’s so much more to life than just being kind and nice.

You, like all the boys out there, deserve a full life. Don’t let anyone dim your expectations of all life has to offer. Don't think, “Others get to have that, but not me.”

You deserve a full life. You were not born to be a helper all your life. Guess who ingrained that idea into your head, thousands of years ago?

No more exploitation of women. Be a part of bringing an end to that. Otherwise you’re just continuing it.
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Don't do it long term
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Don't be pushed around. Family and outsiders will do it. Learn to say no!
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1. Time flies. Don’t be a servant. Those who want you to be a servant don’t have your best interests at heart.

2. For anyone who wants to be totally free from caregiving/helping, I hope you get that freedom. I think many of us didn’t have that desire at the start. It all depends how long it goes on, how hard, how stressful…

3. When was the last time you felt free?
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its very hard. My husband has had parkinsons for over ten yrs. The last three have been extremely challenging mentally emotionally and now physically. I suffered a stroke and fortunately dont need any therapy my self. But i cant lift more than 5 lbs for my own safely which means i need fulltime help for my husband. I know i must take care of myself first before i can be of any help to
him. Be careful and don’t sacrifice all of your own life
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Time is precious. Don’t give it all away to other people.
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Someone just posted this GREAT advice:

“You have to live your life. That is what a loving parent wants. If the parent wasn't so loving, that's even more of a reason to get on with your life.”
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Worrying is not good for you.
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No matter how much you do, it’ll never be enough. And the appreciation you long to hear will never come.
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It's harder and more consuming than you thought it would be. Enjoy even your mediocre days because the future is pretty dismal
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Don’t put off things you really want to do.
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What you wrote is very good and I would agree.

I can’t top that.

What I would add is that everything needs to be in writing, preferably with an attorney’s help: who is expected to do what, what the compensation is (if any), and so on. You would think that because it is family that would not be necessary but it is. Put it all in writing and keep accurate records of every dollar spent, every doctor’s visit, every prescription filled, etc.
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Don’t give up. Sometimes it’ll feel like your life is so full of problems, as a result of having helped other people with their problems. Go through your list of problems, and one by one get rid of them. Before you know it, you’ve solved that, too.
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I have answered this question once but want to answer again. If I could go back i time, I would check in more with my own feelings. For the last past month, I have felt more depressed than usual. I think these feelings have always been there... I just ignored them because I would not allow myself to be upset with my dad even if I had a right to be.
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Those who need care can lose awareness of the efforts made to care for them. Don’t get down about it. Know you are doing the right thing and make sure to care for yourself.
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Preventing a problem is better than spending years later fixing it. Ventingisback: be smart about it, get off your butt now and start preventing problems now.
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