Learn all about the 5 year lookback. I had no idea about this when my father started to hand out cash. I had years of sleepless nights worrying he would run out of funds. Going back to the places he gave money away to was not an option.
My younger sibling retired to become my parent's primary caregiver (for which he's being paid by the state so they can live in their home). He did it to keep them from being placed in nursing home-both are considered skilled nursing. I do wonder if he knew back then ofn what he's experiencing now, would he make the same decision. He's a much better person than I could ever be. I could care maybe one but not both.
1. Prioritize your own health and wellness 2. Prioritize the health and wellness of your partner and children 3. Identify your values and behave accordingly 4. Be in the present as you cannot go back nor control the future 5. Take one step at a time 6. Obtain legal support to ensure there are health directives, power of attorney, and will in order 7. Find some joy and protect your joy 8. Seek support 9. Understand that caregivers are at risk of poor health 10. Try to establish a schedule of self care and respite
🥺 “There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.”
I’m writing this message not to go back in time, but to my future self (one year from now):
Hey girl, it’s now September 2023. I hope you made great changes to your life. Please write back and confirm you freed yourself. You’re thriving. Life’s so much better. You didn’t waste your life. You didn’t let anyone down you. You’re shining. Happy.
i like BurntCaregiver’s concept “senior brat”. i had never heard that before.
if i could go back in time, i would give myself the following warning:
1. senior brats will intentionally make everything much harder for you. they will SABOTAGE your efforts. they will STEAL YOUR TIME. you’ll get older, more stressed: an easy problem will take months of your life to solve.
they love the “power” position they’re in. they have you in their hands…possibly all the way until they die. :( :(
they know: you’re doomed if you help (because you’ll have to deal with their brattiness)…
…and you’re doomed if you don’t help (because you don’t want to be a bad person, abandoning).
2. hence be prepared. you’ve now been warned. the brat will intentionally make things very hard for you.
Absolutely a senior brat will sabotage and steal your time. Most of them will do both of these things and a whole lot more. The senior brat enjoys being the center of the chaos and discord they create. They also love to play abusive games. My mother is the ultimate senior brat and gets put in her place all the time. She knows that I do not play games and will not tolerate her nonsense, instigating, or abuse. A couple of weeks ago my former in-laws came over for dinner with my ex-husband. I always loved them and haven't seen them in a while since I've reconciled with their son. I wanted to do something nice or them. I wanted to do something nice for my mother too. People rarely call or visit her because they don't want to deal with her instigating and fight-picking. I warned her that if she so much as mentions anything the slightest bit "political" or even remotely resembling a "hot button" issue of any kind that she will be very sorry. This is one of her games. She'll indirectly pick a fight and insult people by thinly veiling her verbal abuse in politics or some hot button issue that people can't agree on. I could see her trying to start a little bit with them, and told her plainly that either she stopped instigating or we would all leave and she could sit there alone watching cable news like she does every day. This embarrassed her and rightly so because she had it coming. She stopped trying to instigate with my in-laws though.
Don't start doing it alone. Get help from the very beginning, otherwise as the time passes, you will be so immersed in it, when you finally realize you cannot do it alone, you'll almost forget how to ask for help, will feel stuck, trapped and will be burned out!
Don't. Just don't. If you have a good relationship with your parent, caregiving will destroy it. If you don't have a good relationship, they will heap on more abuse than ever before. It's just not worth it.
Get a big supportive network for self and loved one. You will need lots of info and advice-- legal, financial, about facilties, medical, caregivers, respite care. Make sure all finances are in place- POA, medical POA, wills, trusts, medical insurances, living wills, advance directives Your mental and physical health are also of critical importance and sometimes get pushed to the side as you try to cope. Make them a priority as well. Love them while you can and also yourself
I would say: Woman, before you do this, research and research and interview other caregivers and nursing home caregivers and know ALL that is or could be involved!
Your mother (abusive) will cause you much more trouble than you could ever imagine. Right now you think, she’ll never lie about you. Wrong. She’ll lie about you, and try to destroy your life: not just abuse you (that’s bad enough), but try to cause lots of trouble for you.
You think you’ve got it bad now? It’ll get worse. She’ll try to DESTROY you.
People will try to guilt you into believing that Marge was "just fine" before she was placed in a facility, and the facility itself is the cause of Marge's now noticeable decline. However, reality is that Marge's decline came FIRST - which is what made facility placement NECESSARY.
Figure out how to get help. Stay healthy mentally and physically. Find time for yourself. Learn to be patient. Life takes you on a curvy unpredictable path with caregiving. Connect with other caregivers. Live life for the moment. There will be dark times, but there will also be heartwarming times full of love.
He's a much better person than I could ever be. I could care maybe one but not both.
2. Prioritize the health and wellness of your partner and children
3. Identify your values and behave accordingly
4. Be in the present as you cannot go back nor control the future
5. Take one step at a time
6. Obtain legal support to ensure there are health directives, power of attorney, and will in order
7. Find some joy and protect your joy
8. Seek support
9. Understand that caregivers are at risk of poor health
10. Try to establish a schedule of self care and respite
Whatever you do, don’t lose sight of your own life and health.
Well, I totally failed. Anyway, if I could go back in time, I’d say:
Don’t worry about “failing”. You’ll make it, just get up and try again.
🥺
“There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.”
Hey girl, it’s now September 2023. I hope you made great changes to your life. Please write back and confirm you freed yourself. You’re thriving. Life’s so much better. You didn’t waste your life. You didn’t let anyone down you. You’re shining. Happy.
if i could go back in time, i would give myself the following warning:
1. senior brats will intentionally make everything much harder for you. they will SABOTAGE your efforts. they will STEAL YOUR TIME. you’ll get older, more stressed: an easy problem will take months of your life to solve.
they love the “power” position they’re in. they have you in their hands…possibly all the way until they die.
:(
:(
they know: you’re doomed if you help (because you’ll have to deal with their brattiness)…
…and you’re doomed if you don’t help (because you don’t want to be a bad person, abandoning).
2. hence be prepared. you’ve now been warned. the brat will intentionally make things very hard for you.
Absolutely a senior brat will sabotage and steal your time. Most of them will do both of these things and a whole lot more.
The senior brat enjoys being the center of the chaos and discord they create. They also love to play abusive games.
My mother is the ultimate senior brat and gets put in her place all the time. She knows that I do not play games and will not tolerate her nonsense, instigating, or abuse.
A couple of weeks ago my former in-laws came over for dinner with my ex-husband. I always loved them and haven't seen them in a while since I've reconciled with their son. I wanted to do something nice or them. I wanted to do something nice for my mother too. People rarely call or visit her because they don't want to deal with her instigating and fight-picking. I warned her that if she so much as mentions anything the slightest bit "political" or even remotely resembling a "hot button" issue of any kind that she will be very sorry. This is one of her games. She'll indirectly pick a fight and insult people by thinly veiling her verbal abuse in politics or some hot button issue that people can't agree on.
I could see her trying to start a little bit with them, and told her plainly that either she stopped instigating or we would all leave and she could sit there alone watching cable news like she does every day. This embarrassed her and rightly so because she had it coming. She stopped trying to instigate with my in-laws though.
If you have a good relationship with your parent, caregiving will destroy it.
If you don't have a good relationship, they will heap on more abuse than ever before.
It's just not worth it.
Your mental and physical health are also of critical importance and sometimes get pushed to the side as you try to cope. Make them a priority as well.
Love them while you can and also yourself
Woman, before you do this, research and research and interview other caregivers and nursing home caregivers and know ALL that is or could be involved!
Your mother (abusive) will cause you much more trouble than you could ever imagine. Right now you think, she’ll never lie about you. Wrong. She’ll lie about you, and try to destroy your life: not just abuse you (that’s bad enough), but try to cause lots of trouble for you.
You think you’ve got it bad now? It’ll get worse. She’ll try to DESTROY you.
Actually, I’ll repeat what I wrote here in April 2022:
Save yourself, then save others.