I came here for advice. But the responses to some posts are outright terrible. Statements like I want to live my life and not be bothered or elders should prepare financially for someone other their kids to take care of them, hang up and tell your sibling you want to live your new life, we don’t owe mom and dad anything.
The selfishness runs deep in this world. Our parents chose to have us, gave birth to us, raised us and we do owe them. My parents put us through private school and college. Worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. My parents paid for weddings, and helped with furniture and appliances for first homes. My parents were good to us and loved us. I want to be there for my parents. We have an obligation to help them. Do we abandon them so people in facilities can abuse or mistreat them.
I moved my mom in after my father died. My siblings had busy lives, no time. They don’t visit, don’t have mom for dinner, nothing. It’s birthday parties once or twice a year for their kids and two major holiday dinners. That’s it. That’s a rotten way to treat someone who interrupted her life to make sure our lives were plentiful.
They live an hour away and go to the major league games 15 min from us. They don’t even stop by to see her but yet visit friends nearby as well. People are so selfish. I do everything and I resent them. I hate them actually. They have no responsibility. Now my mom has cancer who do you think is taking her for chemo, getting up at night, working at my own job.
However, the debt doesn't go backward. WE are NOT required to provide for them. I will repeat (ad nauseum) the eagle story.
There is a deluge in the land and the rain doesn't stop; there is flooding and devastation everywhere and the father eagle, whose nest is on a flooding island, must transport his two eaglets to safety. He takes his first baby chick in his talons and begins the journey over raging waters and he says to his chick "And when I am old and weak and helpless will you alike save ME and your mother from the raging waters". The first chick says to him "Oh, father, yes, I most surely WILL".
This first chick the father quickly drops into the raging waters where it drowns.
The father eagle returns for his second babe and begins the journey over raging waters.
He repeats his question. "Will you carry me, old and helpless, over the raging waters" and the baby eaglet says "Oh, father, I will mourn you, for I likely shall not be able to do this for you. But I swear to you this: I will save my own babies as surely as you now save me, and I will carry them across the waters even at the cost of my own life".
This is the chick he saves.
We don't ask for life. It is given. And we are raised to an age of majority. It is not required that we throw our own lives on the burning funeral pyres of our parents.
It is fitting and wonderful that we do what we can for our elders as they age, what we CAN, but not at the cost of our own well being, our family being sacrificed, or our own sanity laid upon the altar.
That you believe as you do is your CHOICE. I honor that choice. But for you to think you can dictate or preach to others is a mere opinion of yours that we will each weigh for ourselves the relevance thereof. You aren't God. You don't make the commandments.
And why would they step up to help you when you have chosen to do it all yourself anyway?
In one breath you are trying to make those children that choose not to take on the care of their parents feel guilty for not doing so, yet in the next breath you use the word "hate" when describing your feelings towards your siblings. I happen to find that interesting, and a bit two-faced.
You obviously were blessed to have good parents, and now you have chosen to take on their care. That is your choice and now you have to live with the consequences of your choice.
But please don't belittle those of us that didn't have good parents and who would never in a million years take on their care, as our mental and physical health is more important in preserving than putting ourselves in harms way.
And the others that have tried there best to care for their parents whether in their home or their parents home, and who have payed a high price physically, mentally, spiritually, and often financially, and ended up having to have their parents placed in the appropriate facility, after trying their very best, they too do not deserve to be made to feel guilty for their choices.
Those of us that have been or are a caregiver for a loved one have all done the very best we can and that is all we can do.
And because we are all so very different in our life experiences that journey will look different for us all, yet we do what we have to to survive in the end.
It sounds like your caregiving journey is now taking its toll on you, so I hope that you are taking care of yourself along the way as being a caregiver is the hardest job there is. Please don't forget that you matter too in this equation.
And guess what? There are nursing homes that are caring, clean, and attentive. Where a parent can get the level of care needed that a family member is not able to provide. It is VERY wrong to say people “abandon” their parents in nursing homes.
Things get much more complicated when:
- Parents did not save or plan for retirement, and assumed their children would pay for it all. The parents don’t care if their child has to quit their jobs, uproot their lives, put their marriage on hold, or use up their own retirement funds for them.
- Your parent abused you. Like physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse. And you’re still traumatized as an adult.
- You are a senior citizen yourself and cannot physically do the care needed.
- Your parent needs 24/7 supervision that is impossible for one person to do.
Stop with the guilt tripping and judgement.