I came here for advice. But the responses to some posts are outright terrible. Statements like I want to live my life and not be bothered or elders should prepare financially for someone other their kids to take care of them, hang up and tell your sibling you want to live your new life, we don’t owe mom and dad anything.
The selfishness runs deep in this world. Our parents chose to have us, gave birth to us, raised us and we do owe them. My parents put us through private school and college. Worked hard to keep a roof over our head and food on the table. My parents paid for weddings, and helped with furniture and appliances for first homes. My parents were good to us and loved us. I want to be there for my parents. We have an obligation to help them. Do we abandon them so people in facilities can abuse or mistreat them.
I moved my mom in after my father died. My siblings had busy lives, no time. They don’t visit, don’t have mom for dinner, nothing. It’s birthday parties once or twice a year for their kids and two major holiday dinners. That’s it. That’s a rotten way to treat someone who interrupted her life to make sure our lives were plentiful.
They live an hour away and go to the major league games 15 min from us. They don’t even stop by to see her but yet visit friends nearby as well. People are so selfish. I do everything and I resent them. I hate them actually. They have no responsibility. Now my mom has cancer who do you think is taking her for chemo, getting up at night, working at my own job.
And guess what? There are nursing homes that are caring, clean, and attentive. Where a parent can get the level of care needed that a family member is not able to provide. It is VERY wrong to say people “abandon” their parents in nursing homes.
Things get much more complicated when:
- Parents did not save or plan for retirement, and assumed their children would pay for it all. The parents don’t care if their child has to quit their jobs, uproot their lives, put their marriage on hold, or use up their own retirement funds for them.
- Your parent abused you. Like physical, emotional, sexual or verbal abuse. And you’re still traumatized as an adult.
- You are a senior citizen yourself and cannot physically do the care needed.
- Your parent needs 24/7 supervision that is impossible for one person to do.
Stop with the guilt tripping and judgement.
And why would they step up to help you when you have chosen to do it all yourself anyway?
In one breath you are trying to make those children that choose not to take on the care of their parents feel guilty for not doing so, yet in the next breath you use the word "hate" when describing your feelings towards your siblings. I happen to find that interesting, and a bit two-faced.
You obviously were blessed to have good parents, and now you have chosen to take on their care. That is your choice and now you have to live with the consequences of your choice.
But please don't belittle those of us that didn't have good parents and who would never in a million years take on their care, as our mental and physical health is more important in preserving than putting ourselves in harms way.
And the others that have tried there best to care for their parents whether in their home or their parents home, and who have payed a high price physically, mentally, spiritually, and often financially, and ended up having to have their parents placed in the appropriate facility, after trying their very best, they too do not deserve to be made to feel guilty for their choices.
Those of us that have been or are a caregiver for a loved one have all done the very best we can and that is all we can do.
And because we are all so very different in our life experiences that journey will look different for us all, yet we do what we have to to survive in the end.
It sounds like your caregiving journey is now taking its toll on you, so I hope that you are taking care of yourself along the way as being a caregiver is the hardest job there is. Please don't forget that you matter too in this equation.
However, the debt doesn't go backward. WE are NOT required to provide for them. I will repeat (ad nauseum) the eagle story.
There is a deluge in the land and the rain doesn't stop; there is flooding and devastation everywhere and the father eagle, whose nest is on a flooding island, must transport his two eaglets to safety. He takes his first baby chick in his talons and begins the journey over raging waters and he says to his chick "And when I am old and weak and helpless will you alike save ME and your mother from the raging waters". The first chick says to him "Oh, father, yes, I most surely WILL".
This first chick the father quickly drops into the raging waters where it drowns.
The father eagle returns for his second babe and begins the journey over raging waters.
He repeats his question. "Will you carry me, old and helpless, over the raging waters" and the baby eaglet says "Oh, father, I will mourn you, for I likely shall not be able to do this for you. But I swear to you this: I will save my own babies as surely as you now save me, and I will carry them across the waters even at the cost of my own life".
This is the chick he saves.
We don't ask for life. It is given. And we are raised to an age of majority. It is not required that we throw our own lives on the burning funeral pyres of our parents.
It is fitting and wonderful that we do what we can for our elders as they age, what we CAN, but not at the cost of our own well being, our family being sacrificed, or our own sanity laid upon the altar.
That you believe as you do is your CHOICE. I honor that choice. But for you to think you can dictate or preach to others is a mere opinion of yours that we will each weigh for ourselves the relevance thereof. You aren't God. You don't make the commandments.
I married and raised 2 girls and worked. I gave up a job to care for my grandson so my daughter could finish highschool and go on to Nursing school. I had an 8 yr old still at home. Just before Mom came to live with us, I had another grandson I was caring for why daughter worked. I was now retired.
Mom took care of Dad till his death at 79 she was 78. Within 5 years my Mom would start showing signs of cognitive decline. A fall, involving her head, sent her into further decline and Dementia. She moved in with me in 2014. Her decline was monthly. I have a split level and not conducive to someone who cannot do stairs. Our family room was on the lower floor. It had a bathroom with a shower and an outside entrance so it became her bedroom and sitting room. This made it easy for us to get her out of the house to the cars. My one brother lives 8hrs away. The other brother 30 min but was going thru a divorce so no help there. I found I was not a caregiver even though Mom was fairly easy to care for. Getting respite care at a local AL for an out of town wedding, went into a permanent stay. Mom acclimated herself so well. She had socialization, could walk around the inside of the building to her hearts content. Aides loved her. I could visit as her daughter, not her caregiver.
I am an organizer. I like order. Dementia is very unpredictable. There is no order. Just when you think you have everything going smoothly, something happens you never expected. I have a hard time adjusting. It takes a person with a lot of patience to care for someone. I don't have it. My Mom passed in 2017. At that point my caring days were over. I had been there for my parents, raised 2 girls, helped to raise 2 grandsons, physically took care of my Mom for 2 years, and her last year, was the one who set her up for Medicaid. The only one I am now responsible for is my husband. He is one of the good ones and deserves any care I am capable of giving.
You need to realize that our parents are living longer than they even thought they would. Some over 100. If you get through your 80s with no problems you may not in your 90s. At that age your good till a fall or hospital stay changes things big time. The children of these 90 year olds are Seniors too with health problems of their own. Jobs they can't quit because they need to work to pay the bills. As our parents age, they feel they have a right to stay in their own home no matter what their children need to do to make it so. They forget that their children have job so can't be there when they want them there. Some still have kids at home. Husbands and children trump parents. So parents need to bend a little too. If that bending means a nice AL thats what they need to do. But we have our elderly who want it their way no matter the sacrifices the children would have to do to make it so. So we as the children, have to set boundaries.
Me, right now we still live in our home of 45 years. I am almost 76 my DH 78. We are very aware that we may need to leave our split level one of these days. Downsize and probably live in a apt. Maybe even in an AL. We can't rely or our girls. Not because they won't help us but because they will still be working. It would be nice if we could just have it our way when we become elderly but there are other people with lives of their own we need to rely on and there has to be compromise on the elders side.
I also had to take care of her since I was a little kid. Would you still say that someone like me still owes? I don't. I walked away and I don't have a moment of guilt about it. Not one second. She has homecare workers who deal with her and knows that she has to make it work with them or it's a nursing home.
You don't know what other people's lives and families are like. As far as I'm concerned I did more for my parents than either of them even came close to deserving from me. There are millions of people with elderly parents just like me.
You are right about out parents choosing to have us. The law demands people provide for their children or those children get taken away by the state, and sometimes the parents can get put in jail. No one is obligated legally or otherwise to do this for their parents.
People are supposed to plan for their old age so they won't be a burden on their families and so they can be decently cared for. Not doing this then just assuming your adult kids will be taking care of you is wrong and very selfish.
Have a nice day.
I think most who come here have tried extremely hard to be the dutiful caregiver, some for years on end. And it's mostly impossible to sustain. Add in dysfunction and oh boy. So what you have here mostly are folks on the brink. I suspect at some point you may be back with a different perspective.
In the meantime, I hope your mom responds well to her treatment.
When you didn’t get what you were seeking here , you called a slew of burnt out caregivers neglectful, who for whatever of the many reasons as described by other posts below , have reached their limit .
If you reach your limit and are ever at your wits end , you may understand our posts .
Often comes a time when we have to choose the least bad option. That does not mean we are neglectful . Not everyone is prepared to take a parent into their home , especially one with dementia who needs constant supervision and can not be home alone while we go to work . This is the very reason why elders need to prepare financially for their old age . Not everyone can quit their job to be a caregiver .
By the way , I’ve experienced case managers in hospitals give guilt trips , forcing families to take parents home without being equipped to take care of them . I’ve experienced case managers actually lie in order to force family to take a parent home . I had this tried on me , saw it done to my nephew , as well as witnessed this done to other families countless times as a nurse working in a hospital . What do you say to family who say they are not able to take care of a parent at home ?? Do you tell them all nursing homes are bad , and guilt trip them ??
Considering what you do for a living I would expect you to be able to see more clearly the struggles families deal with . But it sounds like you are the type of some case managers I have come across .
On the other hand I have had some good case managers as well . Perhaps they don’t judge a struggling family .
The parent chooses to have the child, not the other way around. After making that choice they are required to care for that child until it can fend for itself. There is no payback for that. Parent paid for college so you owe them? Well mine didn't so I guess I am off the hook?
Op feels obligated and is angry her siblings don’t feel obligated or help .
I paid for my own college etc too , however I took care of my parents for years before placing them . By OP’s math my parents owe me .
As many women are caregivers, I believe the fastest growing group is late 40-60. Those women should have a chance to have jobs, careers, children.
They should not rely on husbands (if married) to support them, they could be divorced after years of struggles.
Some say just because we have children does not mean they belong to us, they are not property.
I'm sure your mom would be shocked and horrified if she knew how much you resent taking care of her. You hate your siblings because they don't feel the same obligation to your parents that you do. Is that what your parents wanted for all of you? A family divided? Probably not.
What this caregiving stint is doing to you is so unfortunate. Maybe you should dump mom in one of those awful facilities where she can enjoy activities, outings, special occasion dinners, new friends, transportation to doctors, in-house medical so you won't have to take her to appointments, ice cream parties, visiting pets, and dance parties. You'd be much happier and less stressed, and mom would thrive from being around folks who are positive and without resentment. Right now, she must be as sad as you are.
They are senior citizens with painful knees, backs that spasm, medical problems, and spouses who are also elderly and in need of care. They struggle with finances to make sure they, themselves, don’t become a burden to future generations, and simply cannot afford to pay to support the very expensive needs of anyone else, nor the physical ability to work a 24/7 demanding job of caregiving. These adult senior citizens (“neglectful children”) are trying very hard to care for people even older than themselves, people who very often resent them, and complain to anyone and everyone about them.
I cared for my mother as much as I possibly could, to make sure she had care, comfort. I did this for my own peace of mind and soul. *Her parents* spent the last six years of their lives in a nursing home.
Your post is so sad. I hope you re-read it. Take an honest look at what you’ve written. Read the responses here to it. The folks here have struggles too. Most of us don’t need to berate others for their choices in caregiving. Perhaps your attitude towards us, may also be how you’re treating your family. I don’t know. I hope you think about therapy. Read more posts on this forum and gain insight about caregiving.
And mostly they are women. I am huge believer in women having big achievements in life. Not to say caregiving is not rewarding. Maybe it is for some. But it is limiting.
That's not the story for all of us. Some of us suffered a childhood of neglect and abuse. We didn't enjoy childhood, we just barely survived. Some of us were neglected to the point of not being prepared for adulthood. It was embarrassing moving out and not knowing basic things, and longing for friends, but being isolated constantly by her manipulation. It was heartbreaking as a child being told over and over what a loser I was, how stupid I was, how useless I was. She still does that. My mother would scream at me, "I'm a good mother!" I did not argue with her, but she was not. She was a self absorbed tyrant that never cared for anyone but herself. I still remember the week my sister died. It was just an imposition to my parents. They were not in deep grief as any loving parent would be. They simply could not bring themselves to care that much. So, you can call us selfish for putting our parents in safe, appropriate care homes, but I know that if I had died as a kid, I would have been quickly forgotten. No way am I moving an ungrateful, self absorbed, violent abuser into my home to ruin what time I have left on this earth. As a dutiful daughter I visit my mom twice a week, one hour each, and take her a bag of treats for which she almost never thanks me for, and often complains about (what no coconut this time! or I don't want coconut this time!). I make sure her bills are paid and her closest relatives are informed of her condition. It is far more than she ever would have done for me. She recently told me one of her regrets in life is not murdering my dad in cold blood because I (at about two years old) said something that upset mom and she blamed dad for it. No, not all parents deserve the royal treatment. Pretending they do is insane. My siblings have no idea where my mom is or how she is and I cannot in any way blame them. She has treated them like trash for over 50 years and hates them to a level that is beyond reason. They deserve to forget she ever existed.
MANY people had lives that were hard. MANY people were NOT 'wanted' or coddled in such a lovely fashion.
It's not a tit for tat situation. CG for an elderly parent with whom you had a difficult relationship can be emotionally and physically brutal.
My DH is just now coming out of a 13 month-long stint as part of his mother's CG team along with his YS and OB. It was absolutely horrible. MIL had some level of dementia and had always been 'mean'--the dementia worsened that by 10 fold.
Even with all 3 of the 'kids' (aged 68, 72 and 75) pulling round the clock care for her, she was angry, mean and miserable. All the problems and issues from their childhoods percolated slowly toward the surface.
If anything, she owed THEM.
So much hurt, so much pain, both physical and mental. My DH is unable to truly trust and love--and it's b/c of how he was raised.
He did NOT owe her anything. We don't have kids so they'll take care of us in our dotage. I have made it clear to my 5 kids they are NOT to try to keep me in my home until the end. I hope that I get to choose where I 'age out', but it will not be in one of my kids' homes.
BTW, the 'kids' did wind up putting their mother in an ALF at the very end of her life. OB's wife has dementia and she was getting much worse. He just couldn't handle 2 sick women. MIL lived one week in the ALF and made the comment, the day after they moved her in from her home, "This place is a lot nicer than the one you had me in last" (her own home, and she didn't even know she WAS home.)
Good for you to be able to do what you're doing but cut the rest of us a LOT of slack.
You taught a Master's class with your response on this thread. Especially the part about your parents not having paid for you to go to college.
You're right and I agree one-hundred percent with you about anger at being picked to be 'the one' is often the driving force underneath the care-martyr facade. Your response was well said.
As a little side-note. My parents didn't pay for me to go to college either. Or chip in one cent for any of my three weddings (I remarried husband #2), and never really gave me anything.
Even though you called people selfish for not taking care of their parents and preferred placement, let me give you a reminder that all people are not cut out to be caregivers. Sometimes this may be physically impossible. The adult child themselves may have disabilities of their own preventing them from being able to care for an elderly parent, or a family and job to manage.
In a care home, a resident will have 24/7 access to care from nurses, doctors, physical and speech therapists, aides, medical care and a dayroom where they can watch TV and play games. Activities and outings are planned for those that can attend. There are also church services held in some of these facilities.
I admire your due dilligence to care for your parent. Your siblings made a choice not to and chose their families and lives over caretaking.
Caregiving is a choice. Remember there are homecare service agencies and respite services available when you decide to take a break.
After my father went into the nursing home, my mother was no longer able to live alone. We did the humane thing and placed her to be with her husband so they could spend the rest of their days together.
Was it the greatest thing? No. It wasn't but we did the best we could for years. Kept hoping that we could keep them home so they could die there, but their needs became too great to handle and they were running out of money for home care.
I don't appreciate being called selfish. I can look myself in the mirror and know I have done the best I could with the hand that was dealt me.
Again, good for you for helping your mother. Refrain from judging your siblings or the good people on this forum. We all have reasons for what we do or don't.
Anger & resentment that siblings or others are not doing as you are can happen, but can be misplaced.
What are you really angry at? Or is it fear? Sadness?
You're angry no-one seems to offer help? You are afraid how this will worsen? You are sad about your parent's aging or health?
I was blessed to have a mom like your parents. Bent over backwards to provide for us. And I will do my absolute best to take care of her should she need it. But she also saved for her retirement and elder care needs, in the event that she needs additional care that I cannot provide. Why? I still have to work another 15 years before I can retire. My DH is on disability. I have an autistic young adult daughter that may not be able to leave home. My plate is already full, and if mom needed types of care that I cannot provide 24/7...where do you suggest that care come from unless mom has funds for her in home care?
My FIL was a horrible person. He was an abusive, angry, narcissist (real personality disorder, not just a selfish person). He was over 300 lbs. And we provided in home care for him until we just couldn't anymore. This was my DH and his sister providing care for a man who literally NEVER cared for them, never lifted a finger to take care of them, was physically abusive to them as children to the point he left marks on walls. They were guilted in to providing his care by people like you and him that believe that children OWE their parents a debt. His ONLY plan for his elder care was his children. He told my DH that he should LEAVE me and our children to provide care for him.
You made a choice that works for you. That's great. What happens if something changes and it no longer works for you? What if YOU get sick and can't take care of your mother any longer? Will you be able to continue to provide care for her anyway?
Something like 40% of caregivers predecease their loved one. What's the plan then?
You came here for advice. What advice? You are judging posters here as being neglectful and outright terrible. Because they don't agree with you.
If you ask any parent what they want for their children - good parents will tell you that they want them to grow up and go out and live a live full of love and fulfilment. I have never once heard my mother say ( and I would never say) that the dream for our children's future was a life of caregiving because she/I chose to have children and now demand that those children give up the very life we wanted for them, in order to take care of our needs.
She thinks she getting better, but the number of things she can do are small.
I'm 33 and I've been forced to give up everything. I'm now starting to accept the notion that I'll never get married and have kids. She's been immobile for 7 years because of a combination of cancer treatments and an ankle injury. It's either lie and comply with her insistence that she's "better" or tell the truth and get ready to ride the emotional rollercoaster. I'm force to keep quiet about my perspective and abide by her wishes. She refuses to get extra help. If you're not a fellow cancer patient like her, she doesn't want your advice, no matter how good or bad it is.
I'm gonna have to fight tooth and nail just to get ONE DAY off.
I'm sorry to hear that at only 33 years old you're willing to give up on life.
Myself and many others have told you before on this forum that you have the choice of leaving the miserable, co-dependent situation with your mother. You also know that it will entail some hard work and actual employment work. Yes, you will have to get a job. You will have to figure out what your housing is going to look like and how you will manage it. You may have to have a roomate or more than one to meet the bills. It's not impossible. Trust me all of this sounds overwhelming, but it will be easier than what your life is now.
I was a care slave too and in a very similar situation to yours. Only I'm a ways older than you are though. I did it. You can too. Start with no more just accepting that you'll never get married. Don't let your mother's abusive neediness and miserable attitude towards life make that decision for you or any other.
If you were sleeping on a park bench and begging for money on the street your life would be less stressful and happier. Please try to help yourself. Start with getting a job. Or going to some kind of training program. Let your mother protest. Let her throw a tantrum. You know she will do both and more because she does not want the status quo to change. She knows if you get some independence from her, it will. Tune her miserable, abusive nonsense out and do what you need to do to make a life for yourself.
You deserve to have the life you want far more than your mother deserves to be humored and catered to. You and everyone else has a right to Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness. In fact, it's written in The Declaration of Independence. In my opinion, this is a God given right to all people not just Americans. Most of us with a brain, a conscience, and soul are none too happy just now.
At 33 years old, it's time for you to be a man and not an obedient little boy who'se afraid of his mother. Good luck and I wish you courage in standing up to your mother and making yourself a life.
I AM a fellow cancer patient. Let your Mom know that my own daughter lives states away from me and I handle my own life at 83. When I am unable to, it won't be my own child I will be asking to jump on my burning funeral pyre. So that's the message for Mom.
The message for you is this. Your mom isn't strong enough to haul you bodily onto her burning funeral pyre. So you are assisting her by jumping on it. You are grown up now. You have to take responsibility for your own life. You say "I was forced". That's pure nonsense. No one can force a 33 year old man to do ANYTHING. You volunteered.
Everyone here has given you advice over time. You have chosen to ignore it, and that's fine; that's your choice. But do consider a good COGNITIVE therapist. You need to be willing to give up habitual ways of behavior that are SELF-harming. Don't see a talk therapist. There's been enough talk. No need to pay 250 an hour to talk more about the same old thing. You need a therapist who will shake your world and send you rattling down the road less traveled.
Good luck. This, far as we know for sure, is our one go-round. I would do all you can to avoid wasting it.