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She was very mentally competent and physically active. After the stroke, her mental state was still intact but she was paralyzed on one side and her swallowing was impaired but improving. From the beginning doctors encouraged hospice which I originally declined but ultimately agreed to. I feel like I euthanized my mom and should have given her more of a chance to recover. I felt the hospital staff gave up on her because of her age but I should not have done that so soon. She survived for 10 days after the stroke and was not ready to go. If I had to redo the decision with much afterthought and away from the pressures of the moment I would not have agreed to hospice. My feelings of guilt will just not go away three months after her passing. I guess I will never know if I did the right thing for my beloved mom.

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Hospice did not kill your mother. They may have discontinued some medication, but they did not set out to end her life. Euthanasia is not their role. You say that she survived for 10 days after the stroke and was ‘not ready to go’. Perhaps God was ready to take her? Forgive yourself, and the people who gave her the best care they could. Peace now is what your mother would wish for everyone.
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Tattom, please accept my deepest condolences for the loss of your beloved mother. It is so difficult, almost beyond words, when a much-loved parent dies.

I can’t speak to the medical situation your mom was in but paralyzed after a stroke at 101 does not sound encouraging. Even if her swallow was improving for a time, it’s hard for me to imagine that the doctors were “giving up” on her but rather instead looking at the bare facts of your mother’s condition in front of them. 😞

Most importantly, YOU didn’t give up on your mother. You DID do right by her, making the best decision you could with the information available. I’m sure your mother knew that. What a testament to her your love for her is. I hope wonderful memories of the love you shared comfort you as you mourn this loss.
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Hello, its been 3 years since I lost my Mom. Do not blame yourself. I am sure, in the end, if she was mentally competent, she understood that you loved her.

Our family made the choice, not to take my mother into hospice. The at-home cares became increasingly challenging on all of us. Especially on my father. Yet despite our best efforts to keep an eye on her 24/7; she still managed to pass-away in the middle of the night when nobody was looking.
It was the ONE night we decide to take our father out. We left another relative with her, then that relative called us, all frantic.

The other relative felt terrible. She felt like she should have seen it and prevented it somehow. But, truthfully, there is nothing she could have done.

At the end of the day, even if my mom was in hospice, the same thing could have happened. There's no real way of predicting when someone will pass away in their sleep. Its almost impossible to notice until after the fact.

You won't hear them fall, you won't hear them gasp. They just... drift off in their sleep. It could be as simple as you going to the restroom and then returning and finding your loved one...has left.

Even in a hospital, with 24/7 care, there are still instances, where a family member could be sitting at the patient's side, the family member doses off for 10 mins, and when they wake up...the person is cold. It happens, unfortunately.

You did what you thought was best for your mother.
Cherish the memories
(13)
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My heart breaks for you during this awful and difficult time. I just went through a similar situation with my mom. She was my best friend and everything to me. I was also her personal Caregiver.
She was 99 but like your mom she was cognitive eating, enjoying her coffee, watching our favorite classic films together, but that end of October she had a TIA ( transient Ischemic Attack) or mini stroke.
I ended up calling emergency and she was eventually admitted to the hospital. She stayed for 10 long days . It was so much for her there. To my shock the attending doctor suggested she go into hospice.
I just wanted her back home where I figured she could recover alot better away from all the stress from the hospital she also died 10 days later.
I also feel so guilty about even calling emergency. I keep thinking perhaps I shouldn't have placed her into the hospital and maybe she would still be with me. I completely understand how your feeling.
It's helpful to have these types of outlets to vent and share broken hurt feelings. Again I'm truly so sorry for you losing your precious mother.
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I am sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a loved one at any age. Your mother was 101 years old though. No one lives forever. She lived a long life and was in pretty good health for the most part.
She's at peace and went to her reward. You have nothing to feel guilty about for not being able to personally take care of a paralyzed stroke patient on your own at home. That's not something that I'm sure your other would have expected.
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Grief counselors research tells us that people often try to blame others for the demise of loved ones in order to avoid walking into the finality of loss and grief. This is usually doctors, facilities, but it can move on to blaming themselves, or even blaming their loved one. Complicated grieving is now a diagnosis under the DSM-5, and covered by insurance; I would start with seeking a few sessions with a good cognitive counselor, because we form habits by self-talk that can actually be self harm.

I am an RN all my life and career. What you did for your dying mother was to provide comfort as she passed. You could have prolonged her life, perhaps some few month of torture. Is that preferrable? Feeding tubes and diarrhea and bed sores and contracted muscles and complete and utter loss of control? Would have have been "life" as you think of it, at 101 years of age? How long would you expect her to live? 102? 110? 115? Is that what you would have wanted/do want for your own life at the end?

Please consider getting help to work through this. Cognitive therapists will help you with forming ways to celebrate the length and love. Your mother won't ever be gone from you. I am 83 and my own isn't gone. But she IS at peace and out of torment now.

In my humble opinion you and the medical team made the right decision. I believe it would have mom's vote as well, if she were able to participate in the discussion. I am truly sorry for your loss, because we are never ready to let our mom's go. No one asks hospice's help by choice unless they have a long history caring for the dying, and understand what it is like WITHOUT them.
(18)
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I am so very sorry for your loss. Your Mom was very blessed to be active and mentally alert up until she was 101.
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Sometimes I think I repeat this too often here, but it seems important here….my very loved mother survived a horrific stroke. In a story hard to make brief, our family was given great hope of recovery after therapy, a feeding tube was placed temporarily to facilitate this recovery, and she went to rehab. Months of intense physical, occupational, and speech therapy all proved fruitless. Her initial abilities to talk and swallow left over time. She could do literally nothing, not sit up, not roll over, not read, not eat, not talk, not scratch what itched, nothing. She was mentally fine, trapped in a totally useless body. It remains the cruelest thing I’ve ever witnessed. This went on for four awful years, years I knew without doubt she’d far rather have not survived. I learned there are fates far crueler than death. I know she welcomed death when it came, to leave a body that so betrayed her. For those who are grieving, I’m so sorry, loss hurts. With time, you’ll think of your mother with more smiles than tears as I have the blessing of doing now. I still miss her, think of her often, but no way I’d wish her back in the condition a stroke caused. I wish you healing and peace
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Exveemon's comment says it all, and quite well. God takes a person when He's ready to, period. We cannot prevent that from happening, because we have no say over God's will. To think we do is to believe we're God. Hospice doesn't kill people, we don't kill our loved ones by hiring hospice.....101 yrs and a stroke kills them and then God calls them Home.

Acceptance w/o blame is the key to peace. Remember the good times and take comfort in the fact mom lived so long.

My condolences on your loss.
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101 years is a long life.
Hospice did not shorten your mother's life. Their role is not to euthanize patients, but to keep them comfortable.
I think we are making a mistake trying to keep people alive for as long as possible. People are living longer, but at what cost? Surviving after a stroke is not a good life. My husband has survived 10 years after a stroke, and it has been a miserable existence for both of us. He is unable to walk, to talk, to eat solid food, and is in a diaper, unable to control his bowels or bladder. He spends his life either in bed or in a recliner, watching TV, and sucking down thickened protein shakes which I make every morning. He is not living, he is just alive.
My life sucks, his life sucks. I almost wish he would have died shortly after the stroke. But doctors did everything they could to help him survive.

You are worried your mother should have been given more of a chance to recover. The body weakens as we age. At 101, she was not going to recover from this and get better. The hospital staff did not give up on her, they knew that her body would not be able to recover fully. I'm sorry you lost your mother. I'm sorry you are reeling from such a sudden loss, causing you much grief and pain. Experience your grief without guilt, as you did nothing to hasten your mother's death.
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Please don't feel guilty. I know that is easy to say, but hard to do. Hospice doesn't mean it's the end of life. My mom was under HC because she refused to go to a rehab facility after breaking her forearm a month after she fell and broke her cheekbones and bridge of her nose. Her doctor told her that she left him with no choice but to have Hospice care because her injuries were more than I could handle due to mu own health issues. But, both he and the Hospice evaluation nurse told us that Hospice doesn't mean that the end was here. She just needed some therapy. If she responded well enough to regain her strength and be able to do some things on her own, they would re-evaluate her and she could have been released from Hospice care. Unfortunately, that didn't happen and by the end of the 3rd month, she passed away. But the assistance and care that the Team provided for Mom and the family was a great asset. I could and did call them 24/7 and someone would either talk me through the situation or come to our home.
We have had to use Hospice teams for three of our family members and have received top-notch care from each of them.
I'm sure that you did the best you could for your loved one, and having someone who has experience as well as education in caring for ill or infirm ones must have been good. It is difficult to let our loved ones go, but my mom was ready to just go to sleep. I had months of wondering if I had done the right thing. My doctor, my family and friends, and a spiritual minister just kept telling me that everyone knew I had taken good care of her, even moving in to her home to care for her. As caregivers, we often don't see the time and effort that we give to those for whom we care, but others do see it and can support you when you need it. Please let your family and friends, and even Hospice grief counselors, give you the support you need right now.
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I think you did the right thing. First of all, I don’t believe any decision made with love can be wrong. You loved her dearly and her loss is weighing heavily on you but what you did was give her comfort when she needed it.

My two in-laws and others that I have loved have all been placed on hospice at the end of their lives. They were provided with comfort medication and loving caregivers who wanted nothing more than to make them as comfortable as possible. My own mother has gone on hospice care 2 weeks ago. It’s early for her, she may be on hospice for years but they are there each week providing her with loving care and when the time comes, comfort medication. I never want her to suffer.

I hope you will be able to see that what you did was love her and not question a decision you made with her best interest at heart.
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Unfortunately hospital killed my dad, he was only in his 60s. They placed him on terminal end care/hospice terms even though he only had pneumonia and started morphine pump without him or us agreeing to it or even telling about it. We never agreed on hospice nor were we told about it. I feel very guilty for not seeing early enough they are euthanazing my dad. Who would think medical people want to kill someone? And Im so angry at those crazy murderers. He was still so young and in good condition. Mentally in great condition and physically in good condition. First they tried to kill him by giving him nothing to drink and eat and once I started giving him, they killed him by stopping the antibiotics when he was already getting better with the pneumonia so it became sepsis. They kept lying about everything.
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Don't send guess yourself or you'll go crazy.
What a long and wonderful life she led. I bet she wouldn't have wanted you to.
You probably are a caring daughter. 🌹
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As many here, have used hospice service. Great team of caregivers, keeping our loved ones comfortable. For home, these folks can get what is needed much faster than we can. As we age and becone ill, it takes a big toll even for minor illness. So, often no matter how much we try to do so much, it can't bring the outcome we wish for. The ill person just does not have the reserve and stamina. Pray and really listen to your heart. You gave your loved one the gift of a few more days, in peace and comfort. The doctors knew what the future would be and suggested hospice, which helps providing support to family. Hospice did all the work so that you could have more time to just be there there and give love.
It takes time for you to heal. Your mother is still with you in your heart and wonderful memories.
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I am very sorry for your loss. Now your late mother forever rests in peace.
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You are grieving. Hospice care can help you through by talking with someone through the agency. You can also reach out to your church
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The heading of your post says "palliative care" which includes curative treatments if there are any. The hospital cannot keep a patient in the hospital unless hospital treatment is "justified," so they may have recommended that your mother continue with Palliative Care for her continued care and therapy. Palliative Care would work to help your mother make as much recovery she was able to make. Hospice is different, but Hospice does not euthanize the patient. With Hospice supervision there is no more attempt to cure the underlying disease, but Hospice would be able to provide physical therapy and help with swallowing if these were appropriate. You m ay be using these terms interchangeably, but they are not qutie the same.
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Tattom,

I’m so deeply sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. 101 years is an extraordinary life, and the love and devotion you showed her throughout every stage is something truly beautiful.

Please be gentle with yourself as you move through this grief. You made decisions out of love, care, and compassion—no one could have done more. It’s natural to second guess during such a tender time, but I hope you’ll hold close the truth that you acted with your mother’s comfort and dignity at heart.

If you ever feel overwhelmed or need someone to talk to, there are wonderful people at hospice who can help support you through this. You don’t have to carry everything alone.

Wishing you peace, comfort, and healing.
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The what if will destroy you so 'try' to stop going down that mental path.

Pls know that you (and many of us) do the best - our absolute best - we can in the moment. We all believe we are making the best decisions at that time - and perhaps you actually did.

Guilt is a very difficult emotion to process and get through.
I recommend you find a grief therapist to support you.

I question though - she was 101.
When someone is in this age bracket, we need to weigh our decision making with their quality of life - and the life they had.

I hope that you can give yourself a hug and interrupt those repetitive 'guilt' thoughts with "I did the best I could - out of 100% love."

Try meditating and talk to her. If you open meditation to a dialogue, you will be very surprised at (receiving) responses 'talking to your mom.'

I've been doing (and offering) FOCUSING sessions for many decades and part of that model is giving the part(s) in us a voice and having a dialogue with parts of ourselves.

You might want to try it somehow.

FOCUSING book have is by Ann Weiser (or Wise ?). The model was developed by Eugene Genlin, although his book(s) are too academic. Ann offers an easy to read step-by-step process of a FELT SENSE. What this process does is separate our parts inside (there are many). There is the you now and the you at the time of your decision making. Consider having a dialogue with them.

You could also research FOCUSING guided sessions as I am sure there are many out there certified and offer zoom sessions. I did one (paid) session and it was incredible. And, I was offering sessions myself although not certified through the Focusing institute.

Here's a hug, Gena/Touch Matters
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Tattom … My deepest condolences for your loss. My mom is 96 and not doing too well at the moment, I’m curious as to if it was Palliative Care or Hospice? They are two distinctly different things and I’d like to know which one you’re referring as I am facing same difficult decisions in the too near future.
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‘Palliative Care’ and ‘Hospice’ are just words. Where I am in Australia, ‘palliative care’ covers the full range. ‘Hospice’ was historically the provision for abandoned infants, not the elderly at all. Other posts make it clear that hospice in the USA can vary from a lot of help, down to one visit a week plus medication. You need to ask for details from the services that you have available, not just choose based on the label.
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