I never realized my mother had NPD until I read comments and questions from so many other grown children.

I'm not sure as many of our mothers truly have formal NPD as we may think they do. Perhaps a leaning towards narcissistic behavior is more likely. I often call my own mother a narcissist, but probably mental illness is closer to the truth than a true personality disorder. In any event, these women are brutal to live with/care for/deal with, and I know I will get some very loud AMENS to that statement! My mother considers my son the 'golden child', regardless of the fact that he does virtually nothing for her. My daughter, on the other hand, is a second class citizen (in the same category as I am) because I sincerely believe that women of that generation are sexist: they think MEN are the superior sex. That's how THEY were raised, and so, that's how their convoluted thinking plays out. For example, to this day, my mother will say how much she appreciates all my ex husband did for her. In reality, I was the one who 'did for her', my ex had NOTHING to do with the trip to Italy I sent my folks on, or the lavish gifts I sent them, etc. But HE had a high paying job, I did not. So therefore, HE gave them the gifts, not me. In reality, I worked MUCH harder than he ever did, doing 99% of everything that enabled him to HAVE such a career. But hey, that does not count, in her mind. It was HIS money, blah blah.
My mother is also severely jealous of what the Joneses have, and feels the need to keep up with them. She feels 'less than', so if YOU have more than her, then SHE needs to have what YOU have to feel equal or 'better than'. It's a self esteem issue, all of it, in my opinion, and something that leads to narcissistic type behavior. My mother claims to have been ignored by her mother while growing up because she was 'fatter' than her brothers and sisters, so her mom focused on their needs instead. So she spent the rest of her life hating her mother and taking it out on the rest of the world. I'm no psychologist, and only guessing at the myriad of issues that created the dysfunctional human known as my 92 y/o mother.
In reality, who knows, right? There's another HUGE thread on this very topic here on the forum: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/any-idea-how-so-many-of-us-ended-up-with-such-difficult-moms-what-happened-444582.htm
Check it out; you may get some answers you've been looking for!
All the best!

Their generation was all about men and doing what men wanted, and since both the husband wanted a boy to carry out the name, so did the woman because going back to the stone age a woman wants nothing more than to embrace a male. Hence, the golden boy. My mother definitely has NPD, she hates all women and is jealous of every one she comes into contact with, including me, her scapegoat. My brother who is a nice guy, who has done nothing for her, walks on water. She has two sets of rules, one for him another for me. I have not spoken to my mother for 8 years, and this is not the first time in my adult life, another time it was for 9 years, the happiest years of my adult life. I will never speak to her again, she is toxic, abusive, a thief, a liar and more, her siblings, nieces and nephews have not spoken to her for over 30 years, so it is not just me. The GoldenGoat, as I now call my brother is the last hold out, he visits her once a year, and calls her a couple of times a month and then b*tches about her, not my circus, not my monkeys.

I don't know if there are MORE NPD moms, I just think it's allowable to talk about it.

I don't KNOW what's wrong with my mom. So many things. Being spoiled rotten as a child, then losing the one man she truly loved, her dad when she was only 33. She changed then and never 'came back'.

Sometimes the best lessons we learn are the ones from 'bad examples'. How NOT to be. Mother is as unaware of her behavior as she can be. She never thinks about how something she says or does hurts--even at age 63, she can cut me to the core.

Thank you for answers and Lealonnie, for the link. It never occurred to me my mom was jealous of other women; perhaps that is why she was always trying to create wedges between others when an opportunity arose. She constantly pitted my brother and me against each other too, telling us opposite stories, then telling us we should get along b/c all we would have after she was gone is each other. My mom was full of hate for her mother and kept my grandmother under control (totally unnecessary), guilting her with many twisted accusations. And, yes, my brother was the golden child, never doing any wrong, and there were two opposite sets of rules in our house. As a child I would ask why there were differences; she would always say "You're just jealous". Honestly, I was not, and never have been a jealous person. Of course, she never explained the differences. She moved in with my brother 6 years before she went to a NH; I'm sure her eyes were opened with the treatment he dished out when she was alone and vulnerable, but she would never admit he did anything to her.

It just didn't happen to the baby boomers. My own mother always told me to stick up for myself, get an education, don't rely on a man just so she herself can end up being jealous of me. As time went on she became more jealous and meaner to me. If I had something shoes, money or whatever she had more. If I was sick she was sicker. She even played my brother and I against eachother and yet no one knew what she was doing. It only came out after my dad died. She favoured my brother who could do no wrong. He turned out to be a lazy junkie. He thinks the world owes him and he is a complete a**hole. He is just like her! Sad but true!

She has always had this competition with me and I never knew it! Who would ever think that a mom could be in a war with her daughter? I never knew what was going on because at times she would be a caring and loving then treat me so bad and yet, I thought this was normal...just her. Boy do I feel dumb trusting someone who try to hurt me behind my back and destroy me.

My mother was raised poor she had 13 sibs, yes there was 14 kids in all! Her dad had 7 kids with one woman who died so he married my grandma and had 7 more and both of them were mean. My grandma tried to drown me when I was 4yrs old. That was the last time I seen her until I was 7yrs old. I could never be left alone with her. Then I didn't see my grandma again till I was 21 yrs old and guess what, she hated me, but loved my brother. My mother was beaten by her dad and she had to raise her younger sibs. I can't imagine what my mother went through, but I have said it before and I say it again, my mother should of never had kids!

It turn out to be more common than I thought mothers being jealous of their daughters!

In my mother's case, she never liked herself, saw herself as less than, so she had to do something to make herself feel better. I don't even think she got to know herself! She went through her whole life and never thought of herself as someone worth loving and she really never got to know me--her own daughter!

Google "why do moms hate their daughters" and you will fine some good articles and read so very sad stories!

Hurt people, hurt people!

Lealonnie1,
I think you might be on to something, as my own mother thinks of my brother as the "Golden Boy," who steals from her, never does anything for her unless there is something in it for him.

I can tell her something and she doesn't believe me, but when my BF says it...well it must be true! She listens to him. So now, I will tell my mother that my BF said this or that to get her to stop doing what ever I need her to stop or to do something. She now lives to please my BF!!!! Go figure!

Definately not just a baby boomer deal. I'm 27, and I was my mothers "show pony". My grandma raised me, I took care of my family (including her when she had kidney surgery when I was 11), had high grades, and graduated at 16 with 8 extra high school credits and 6 college credits. My mom loved showing me off, bragging about me at work, ect, but wanted absolutely zero to do with me personally. She had a life to live, and didn't want to be burdened with a kid.

I agree. It's not just a boomer thing. If other women looked nice (including me), Mom put them down and implied they were self-absorbed, She demeaned my accomplishments. Had to redecorate if I bought a new chair. Talked about me around others like I wasn't there. Told me I was unattractive and flirted with my boyfriends. It's a sad thing to watch a 45-year-old woman make a play for her daughter's admirers.

Everything was about her. She was never wrong. Always right. Thrived on provoking painful emotions to watch you squirm. Accused others of being disingenuous! Must promote a perfect image at all times, be in control at all times.

I was treated well if I sacrificed myself for her comfort or purpose. Punished if I didn't. The punishments were unique and strange. Very strange. The cost to me? Of no concern. Treated as a tiresome inconvenience. Physical ailments largely ignored. I was a repository of all her venom toward my father, whom I adored. Denied me a wedding because she didn't get to choose the groom. Besides, I would have been the center of attention. Couldn't have that.

Dementia has now claimed what's left of her mind. She has lost the ability to see through a plan, so the NPD has greatly diminished. Is it NPD? I can't say for certain. I'm not a psychiatrist and can only guess.

I've read that narcissism evolves from parental neglect or smothering. According to what she told me, Mom was neglected as a child. She neglected and smothered me in turns. I see narcissistic "fleas" in myself sometimes. I kill 'em when I see 'em. I don't want to be like that. Never, ever.

There is no way I could express how much I appreciate your answers here. I am so glad to know it was not me personally, just one who happened to be her daughter. I wish I could have understood and had more insight when I was younger; I would not have been so hurt and depressed growing up and probably would not have been so completely convinced I was not worthy of love, and no one would ever want me. I just tried to stay out of her way to avoid doing something to start the shreiking and the punishments. We were quite isolated as children. Mother wanted to keep me away from anyone who might treat me well. I have tried so hard not to be like my mom. I did not want to hate, or treat other people like she did, or use, or cause trouble. It's sad to treat a child or anyone else that way. And now, to remember, after I was grown she frequently (when I said something she did not agree with, or I stood up to her) said to me "You need help".