I lost my temper... And regret it.
This morning when I got up and went downstairs at my mom's, she told me to take away the rails from her bed. She talked to me as if I were 5 to explain that she cannot go to the toilet because of them. She wears diapers during the night.
Actually after a fall she cannot get up or walk alone. She was bed bound for 6 weeks and is now having read at home 1 hour a week. She is doing really good.
I tried to explain but no way... I lost my temper saying I can't spend the nights with her and that I would see if we can afford to hire someone for the night.
She has no diagnosis of dementia, doctors say she is fine but I think she is often confused about time.
It is difficult to understand what is really happening in her mind. She has always been extremely stubborn and proud.
I now regret losing my temper... I know it is because I am so tired and scared. This always happens on Saturdays or Sundays after a long week: I work and have my own family.
I am blessed having found a great home aid but afternoons/nights and weekends are still on me.
Looking for respite care this summer but not sure covid will allow it.
Thank you all for reading... Just wanted to vent I guess.
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We ALL lose our tempers. Or break down and cry, or both. It is so sad and frustrating.
Hugs!
So, after a long background of me, what I can tell you is that when you feel angry and about to explode try your best that you are doing the best that you can and your mom or dad or whomever that you are caring for is doing the best that they can with where they are in their lives. If they're acting out of character, remember that they are dealing with their own issues like mental decline, mobility issues, memory issues, as well as a loss of their independence. They're probably just as frustrated if not more than you are.
It's very hard. I'm not saying that it's easy but do your best to have patience and be easy on yourself also. If you get angry, know that you're human and that these things happen but know that the other person is trying too. Learn from these instances and keep moving forward but don't be upset with yourself. You're a beautiful person for doing what you're doing to help another in their time of need like this.
You, I and EVERYONE else on the planet has occasionally lost their temper. I personally feel that if anyone ever says that they have never lost their temper with a loved one, they are LYING through their teeth!
You are human. No one is a super hero with super powers.
Of course, losing your temper makes you feel badly but that proves that you care. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be upset.
Make a list of what you have done to help your mom versus losing your temper for a brief amount of time and I guarantee the list of the helpful things that you do will be the longer list.
Many hugs!
Everyone has lost their temper at some point or another including our now elderly parents. So you're not alone.
You say that this behavior always happens on Saturdays and Sundays. That's a pattern and doesn't sound like dementia. What it does sound like is your mom has awareness and knows that this behavior can't be an every night thing because it will result in you putting her into a care facility. So it's limited to the week-ends.
If she cannot get up on her own then there needs to be someone there for the overnights. Even if they only work a few nights a week. It's a start and would give you those nights off.
There are ways to get this kind of help and keep the cost lower. Hire privately and advertise. You need someone to do 'sleep duty' at your mother's place. This means they come at night and go to bed. With the stipulation that there be a baby monitor near your mother and one with them. If she needs to get up, the hire person gets up and brings her.
Two live-in caregivers (one during the week/one for week-ends or they can split the week) could also be an option. I find when dealing with live-in help it's always better to have more than one because those caregivers need a break too.
I know you were looking for respite care during the summer so you can have your holidays. Nursing students take this kind of work. They need the money and the practical care experience. I knew a few who actually took live-in assignments when they were in school too. The place to advertise for a nursing student is at a nursing school or a university. Put up flyers in the student union hall in these places. Someone will definitely give you a call.
I believe you and your mom are in Italy? I'd take it myself if I didn't have my own caregiving responsibilities here in the United States that are like I have the weight of Atlas on my shoulders 24-hours a day.
Aging is a hard business on everyone.
So fast forward 60 years and we have this woman who is using all of us to get what she wants. If you are not doing things FOR HER, you are USELESS to her and get zero air time.
I struggle so much with anger towards her about so many things. I will not have 'closure' with her as she is 91 and rapidly losing her memory and filter.
Getting old is awful, for many people. That's why we have this wonderful site. We can vent and not seem like awful people. Taking care of cranky, sick, elderly people is HARD.
You're an amazing daughter. It's only normal and natural to lose your temper when so much is on your shoulders. It's a lot for one person. I know for myself I tried so hard to keep going and going till I burst like a volcano. I'm sure your mom knows you're doing the very best you can every day.
I hope you're able to get some respite care and additional supports. Anger is a sign of burnout. It's hard but you have to consider your own health too.
Thinking of you. With hugs.