hi all...thanks in advance for reading, and any replies...My mother lives out of state, on her own, by her own choice...She has always required an enormous amount of attention, even when I was a child. She divorced my father when I was very young...and married a multitude of jerks in the years that followed...some were jerks, and one in particular, abused me...
Whenever she felt stressed, she would threaten to leave us...she was always stressed, yelling, and made our childhood anything but peaceful. Through it all, I have tried my best to be respectful, and dutiful....but I have to admit, it really is only obligation that I feel.
She has had too many surgeries to mention...some of them elective, some of them necessary...but each time, whether it is a wart removal, or a knee replacement, she demands all of my sympathies and attention for it. I feel terrible for saying this, but part of me gets mad when she has a medical issue...I guess it's because it's all I remember growing up...and I'm tired of it....she was always a constant complainer, rarely happy, and always self, that I'm a mother, she expects me to put her FIRST, before my own son (who is 17 years old, and severely autistic)...She has never once come to assist me with my son...or come for a visit, yet she complains that she's alone (in Arizona), and that she has to rely on strangers for her upcoming surgery...I offered to arrange care for my son to come for a week, then she gets passive aggressive, and says, "no, I'll get a stranger to help me"..
My brother does live in the area, but he works full time, and cannot be at her beck and call...I have so much resentment towards her, and I wish I didn't....I wish I could feel sympathy for her, but I just can't....what I do feel is horrible guilt for not feeling sympathy...
Even when there is nothing wrong, she will search and search for a doctor that will tell her something is wrong...and expect me to drop whatever it is I'm doing, and baby her....I'm sick of it...thanks for the rant

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Burnedout - sounds like we have a lot of similarities both with our moms and sons. My baby boy just turned 23 yesterday but he will always be a child mentally due to his severe autism. One of the nastiest experiences I had with my mother was over one of her elective surgeries. Mom had a facelift when I was in my early twenties. She had been home from the procedure a day when she called me and wanted me to come over and wash her hair for her. It was a weekend night and I had a date plus she had just had the procedure two days before and wasn't suspose to get her stitches wet AND she was higher than a kite from pain meds. I told her "no" and explained why. I told her I'd be over in two days to visit - mind you, she want alone as my dad was home with her. You can imagine - since our moms sound so similar, the way she ripped into me! This little experience falls in the top five of her mean attacks on me - and there have been some epic ones! Over not washing her hair. Anyhow - I understand and you are not alone.

The way I look at it, if you Mom is in clear mind then whatever decisions she makes she needs to take full responsibility for those decisions.

Sounds like your Mom is exhausting, and you need to find a way to say "no" without feeling any guilt. Her running to doctor to doctor is her decision, not yours. Ask your brother how does he deal with Mom and learn from him.

It took me years before I had set boundaries with my elderly parents, and how I wished I knew about Aging Care website, those boundaries would have been set on day one.

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