I am going to open myself up to some ill will here, I don't care.

Such venom - why? Everyone has their own battles.

Sego, the folks on this message board who NEED to walk away are those with mentally I'll parents. Parents who CAN'T be helped by ordinary children. They need profession intervention. The parents are skilled manipulators of their children. The children end up broke and injured and the parents dont get the care that they need and deserve.

If I recall correctly, you had a difficult situation, but your mother "merely" had dementia and you were able to get her into a professional care situation without her destroying your life.

Had you spent 10 years caring for her at her home, spent all of your retirement savings on her care (or never been allowed to have a proper job, or a marriage or family) I think you might understand the desire to walk away better.

Glad you are well.

WoW! So bitter, appears that caretaking has had an effect on you, and, not a positive one.

We had a similar thread once that asked why there were so many hateful and negative comments on the forum, I believe it is simply that those people in loving relationships with lots of support and financial resources are much less apt to be posting here, they don't need a forum like this. People feel free to post stuff on the internet they would never, ever admit to feeling or doing in real life, so even if they are in fact managing caregiving with grace we get to hear all about their inner demons.
And as Barb points out - sometimes caregiving just goes on and on and can consume our lives far longer than we ever dreamed possible. (I have to admit to feeling a twinge of jealously when people come on all atwitter about a crisis and then their care recipient dies within months or a couple of years, too many of us are caring far too long for people who just live on and on)

Seems to me you posted this ridiculous nasty post just to see the reactions you’ll get. Kind of think you’re the one with anger issues.

I don’t understand why you keep coming back here with venom segoline? We all understand you are grieving but is necessary to target others like this?

Each has their own circumstances and if you read the stories - they ARE taking care of their parents, not dumping them. It is the taking care of their very needy, crushingly needy parents that are killing them. Where is your sympathy? If they dumped their parents and walzed off with no more worries to the spa and vacations - they wouldn't need to post to let off pressure. Go away.

Seems to me, Segoline - that when you were posting here with your struggles caring for your mother - and later dealing with the initial grief after her passing - you received a ton of support and sympathy from the good folks here on AC.

Clearly, you are misdirecting the sadness and anger you feel with your own situation - towards the very people who were here for you. That’s sad.

Perhaps seeking out a professional therapist - one who specializes in grief, would help you more than lashing out here.

I think what I find difficult is many saying parent is a narcissist. Early and moderate stages of dementia mimic that and mental illness as well. I do not for a minute ignore the support I received here. And I am thankful for it.

In nationwide conversations, there seems to be a huge trend towards how can I get out of this responsibility. If that's not you, then ignore it.some parents are jerks yes. Are they mentally ill? Are they narcissists? Are you sure? It is disease or your perception? We are reaching a tipping point is society where the numbers overwhelm the care options. And it is something to consider. If you, generally you, can do it, arrange it.

There are many posts here anymore which main point is how to get out of. And not just here. In several forums. And in several conversations. Medicaid expansion in many states these days goes more to support for home care. My concern is this will lead to a big rush to reinforce filial responsibility laws. And I can see that happening. There is a legislative exchange Council for states which tries to every year. And they are getting more support annually. Be careful what you wish for.

Carers are being abused by their care recipients in some situations. It's a fact. Some times the abuse is extreme and chronic. That's why they come here for support. Seems like you can't seem to understand that right now, and you blaming victims of abuse is something I'm sure you really don't intend to do. Think before you speak. Likes and instagram has nothing to do with this topic. You are ranting! Anger is a part of grief so maybe this is what is going on for you - in fact I'm sure this has everything to do with YOU. You are lashing out! Go and get some counselling rather than spreading toxic crap all over everyone and those who are suffering and need support. PEACE be with you!

Segoline - I'm surprised at you.

I work for a very large Law firm. Frequently, quite frequently, we are in opposition to the pop up guardianship shops which seem to be happening everywhere. They exist to take care of many, for reasons I have already described. I won't go into again since seems to be a touch point. Some if these are ok.not many. They rely on kids for one reason or another, can't wont step in for parents. Sure they will handle the care, the placement as guardian, operative word. Now once the money runs out, they can and do resign, handing the responsibility back to you, figurative you. You are right back where you started. Not all are like. But hey, they see a market.

And during this time, since you have assigned guardianship, you have no say and no see,because they are in charge of everything.

If you are thinking about this, please research. Go to your state court web site and check what have they been sued for?

Yes, I could have phrased my original vent better. But we are are seeing more if this and is very sad.

Segoline, I am new on here. My mother does not have dementia. She is of sound mind. She is 95 years old and has been treating me like sh*t ever since she couldn’t drive anymore which was 3 years ago. She does have undiagnosed bipolar which she has had all her life. But she is very competent and can cook, take medication, take call a bus to go grocery shopping but refuses to bathe or wash her hair. She is a hoarder and won’t let me clean the house or bathe her. The last time she let me give her a sponge bath and wash her hair was in May. When I try to gently talk her into bathing she starts screaming at me , calls me a nag, and says she’s going to call the police if I don’t get out of her house!!!! Believe me, I started limiting my time with her!!! I don’t take her out for dinner on Saturdays anymore. I feel like sh*t every time I leave her. Last month she was in the hospital for 4 days with pneumonia. The first night I stayed with her from 8pm till 4:30am. When I told her I was going to go home to get some sleep and would be back in a few hours she screamed and snarled at me EVERYTHING IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!! YOU NEVER THINK ABOUT ANYBODY ELSE!!!!!!!! That is what she said to me. I turned around and walked out. I almost walked over to CPEP which is part of the hospital for people who want to hurt themselves or others. For a split second, I wanted to hurt myself. Not anymore!!! I limit my time with her!!! No regrets!!!!!!!!

Thank you barb Brooklyn, you summed it up perfectly!!

Sego, I think that folks here are well aware of what happens when you walk away and allow someone else to take guardianship. I've never read a poster here who took that step lightly.

One more point: many folks come here while trying to get help caring for their mentally ill, destructive parents while trying to raise their own children. A parent's FIRST duty is to their minor child and to their spouse. Elderly parents are a distant third.

Parents have had a lifetime to prepare, financially and otherwise for their old age. Their lack of planning is NOT my emergency. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with parents who planned and have done so myself.

I think you need to get your thoughts in order before you post.

Here you go once again Segoline...you have posted this before...just uses different words, but basically the same old bs! As far as take responsibility for our parents; I didn't realize that us (adult kids) had to take responsibility for our parents...that's funny I thought they 'should have' taken responsibility for themselves! I have called you out before about your attention seeking know it all attitude! But I guess you got bored!!

As far as life being hard...NO KIDDIE...we Didn't need YOU to tell us that...Really! Some people here have probably had it way harder than you could have ever imagined. So don't even try to begin with life is hard...you have no idea what the people have gone through in life and as a caregiver!

As my mother use to say, "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all." I say, "if you have nothing nice to post then post nothing at all."

And as far as who do we think we are? Who the h3ll do you think you are? We are just people trying to get through one day at a time! Doing the best we can...but hey, if you would like you are more than welcome to come to my house and step in my shoes and juggle the 50 balls in the air and deal with a mother who never liked you and a low life brother who is always starting crap and the other 101 things that seems to always happen at the wrong time!!

My question to you is "who do you think you are???"

Segoline, you get to have your opinion. You don’t get to judge. Good on you if you are superwoman, many of us are not. Many of us had very cruel uncaring parents who now want us to sacrifice what years we have left to take care of them. I will not do it. I worked hard to take care of myself and be secure in my older years.
So have your opinion and think what you want. I personally don’t give 2 rats arses about strangers posting ill will on here or what their opinion is on my life. Grow up yourself.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-to-do-with-a-parent-who-requires-in-home-care-247-and-is-trying-to-kick-the-providers-out-451811.htm?orderby=recent

This is what some folks are dealing with. It's not about growing up.

Sego--
I think you posted out of an angry moment---none of us think CG is easy. If we did, we wouldn't be HERE.

If we had it easy or have great relationships with our LO's we would be spending our time elsewhere. This board has been a true godsend to me as I have struggled through a lot of stuff I DO NOT want to share with family (tried, doesn't help) and the people here are 99% supportive and kind.

I'm sorry you feel angry. Take a beat, take a day and maybe see a therapist who can help you. We're gonna continue 'complaining' as it were, b/c we don't need to implode on someone.

I am 77, Segoline, but I am not sure I am "grown up" as you say. And I KNOW I would never have been in my life capable of doing this 24/7 care.
I might wish I were a better person. In fact I DO at times wish I were a better person. But I would not be capable of this. For myself, I find it difficult to live with others when they are well and rational. I was all my life a nurse, and I loved it; I especially loved working with elders. But it was an 8 hour shift; I had unending support; I went home at the end of that shift; and there was no family baggage involved. It was hence easy to be kind and giving.
I see people on the forum who have broken themselves in the service they feel they are obligated to do. Many of them express childhoods filled with the pain of parents who were not capable of good parenting. And still some of these folks martyr themselves to this care. Everyone has different reasons for doing it.
I see also some stronger people surviving, with the need to vent, and with bad days, but still surviving.
Segoline, you have every right to wish the world were a better place and filled with stronger, better people. You have every right to make your own choices. But to my mind you do not have a right to judge others. I don't think any of us do, really.
I think most of us limp along through life doing the best we can, pulling the good out kicking and screaming. It is very difficult, life. We aren't all as strong as you are. Sorry for that.

Agree with Alva, (regarding that not everyone has the ability to "hands on" care for family). Most everyone can contribute in other ways though, like visiting, providing respite for CG, or providing money toward care. That's reasonable for most to comply with. Sego, you have judged people & insulted them, so you seem angry. Find ways 2be constructive instead.

When my dad was ill knowing he was going to leave this world before my mom, her told us kids frequently "Take care of Momma." We have. My younger brother who was an amazing person and a great help passed six months before Daddy. My older brother has a ton of health issues himself and helps to the extent he can. So it fall 98% on my shoulders. I accept this and do not resent it. That being said, my mom's dementia has created challenges I never thought I would have to deal with. Delusions, paranoia, depression, anxiety, anosognosia, OCD, perfectionism gone astray, hoarding syndrome all in addition to a host of physical ailments. We have 24/7 in-home care (she refuses to leave her home) and I manage her meds, doctor's appointments, care giving schedulue, income taxes, bills, banking, property taxes...on and on and on. YET!...it is overwhelming even with lots of family popping in from time to time and because of her delusional accusations towards me (no one knows why or where this has sprung from!), I have had to limit my actual face to face time with her since most of the time it sets her off. I do this for her as much as for myself. I attend Alzheimer's support groups. So, yes I feel "blessed" that I am available and physically able to carry out Daddy's request but it is draining on all levels. I suggest we respect each other in their walk with their loved one's path through life. I doubt seriously that anyone is unaware that life is hard; nor is anyone thinking it's all about FB, tweets, the Kardashians and the latest Netflix binge. I don't think anyone on this site is the sort who's just whining and carrying on. We may not always agree with what someone posts or their opinions but that too, is life! I hope you find peace with all that has challenged you in your life.

We circle back around to common ground and something we agree upon, tacy. I’ve said that here several times myself - statistics on Narcissism just don’t support the number of claims of a Narcissist parent one sees here on AC.

However, I do suspect that this site might support a higher average of Narcissist parent(s) than normal - hence, part of the reason their caregiving child winds up here.

Some folks are just plain mean, nasty and totally self-absorbed. These folks probably shouldn’t have had children in the first place - but that’s just not how it was done in our parents generation. In fact, it’s relatively recent that choosing to remain childless is viewed upon as an acceptable alternative.

As for the bonafide Narcissist... I actually have some compassion for them. They are victims of an actual personality disorder - a mental illness. How much they can or cant help what they do is hard to say.

Tacy/Rainmom, Regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I agree with your comments about way too many narcissistic relatives statistically on this web site. I wonder how many of them have been professionally evaluated. I think everyone should remember this is an informational forum. At the bottom of the page there is disclaimer about non professional information legal, medical etc.

What on earth does this forum have to do with social media? We're all here precisely BECAUSE we're involved with the hard sh*t we have to do in life. Duh. Perhaps it's time for you to take another break from this forum. Sure sounds like it

My state alone has 70k grandparents taking care of grandchildren due to,opioid crisis. What happens to their financial future? No they did not plan for this. If my,post does not apply to you, then ignore it. It's not that hard really. So,many boomer kids seeking legal counsel on how to get out of this responsibility. And they cough out some big bux to do it. I have compassion for you who,are in the trenches. For your elders. But man, I see some ugly ugly sides. Again,if my,post does not apply to you, then it's not you.

But lumping many elders into a mentally ill category without verification is wrong.,it is. I tend to side with the elders here.

This is not happening in my law firm. It is happening in many throughout the state. The largest CLE enrollment anymore is MEDICAID. Some, man more than just some, want to put parents on Medicaid and get the money. We alone get 15 inquiries a week. And we aren't cheap. I conflated several things, yes. But you have clients or potential clients come in and inquire. You check their social media prior to taking on. Yes, that's what is done, so that's why I said it. It's pretty disgusting, frankly. Again, if it doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't.

I agree with you, Segoline, about getting a correct diagnosis with suspected mental illness, which is in many instances difficult to do and may require more than one medical opinion, but should be done if at all possible. A geriatric psychiatrist and/or neurologist is imperative when mental illness or dementia symptoms start presenting in order to know how best to treat the patient.

In my mom's case, she was diagnosed with both mental illness and dementia (suspected vascular). She had struggled with mental illness/personality disorder for years before she started experiencing worsening memory loss and overall cognitive function. For a long time, she had been largely non-compliant with her meds, including taking her insulin as she should, which made things worse.

My mom passed in February, but situations like mine that at times reached a crisis point are a heavy load on adult children of the elder, especially those who, like myself, are married with children. We ultimately had to place mom in a facility as we tried hands-on 24/7 and it was just too much. Even then, I felt like I really couldn't relax, never knowing when I was going to get a crisis call, saying that mom was being taken back to the psychiatric facility or hospital.

Of course, as you mentioned, grandparents raising grandchildren are often going through similar situations and have it just as hard, especially where substance abuse is involved.

I think it's just that each individual situation is unique, and depends mostly on the family relationships going into a caregiving situation, as well as the diagnosis and needs of the one needing care.

I run the reports on new clients. What is your bankruptcy history. Liens. Judgments. Assets. Criminal civil court history. Your assets. Your entire social media history. All of it. It's apalling what I see. Just appalling.

I did not use my firm to handle my mom's stuff. They don't like to handle employee matters. Wisely so. Our guardianship was third attempt due to a sibling. Had I used our firm, would have been 100k at least.

When I run one of these reports, I can see every. Single. Thing.,you have ever posted on social media. And the judge will too.

Seriously, what I see from boomer kids is just awful.

Ssegoline, an adult child has NO LEGAL OBLIGATION to pay for their parents care. Filial obligation laws do not obligate a child to bankrupt themselves paying for care.

My mother paid her own nursing home Bill's for 4 1/2 years and would have eventually qualified for Medicaid. And yes, we would have paid a lawyer to do the application, with moms money.

Yes, I have a home, retirement money and a decent lifestyle, as do my brothers. Not because of our parents' money; but because we earned good salaries.

We arranged for mom's care. As did you. We did not feel obliged to become her hands on caregiver in our homes because she needed more than that.

Why do you object to elders being on Medicaid if they have run out of money? How does an adult child impoverishing him or herself make any sense to you?