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I have not posted in a while except recently because I needed a break. But I've read... Those of you who don't want to take responsibility for your parents, who on earth do you think will do it? Life is hard. It is not about a bunch of FB, Twitter, Instagram likes, shares or retweets. There is hard sh*t you have to do in life. There is. It's messy, it's hard, it's unpleasant. And it is not on your timeline. Life is not choreographed for your feed. Grow up.

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Wow....and who are You to assume what other people go through? I take offense to your post as you are passing judgement onto others. I have been on this site long enough to appreciate the support, understanding and advise from those in similar circumstances....and those in much worse. Caregiving IS hard sh*t and I don't think anyone here will deny it.....our lives and interactions with those here are perceived through our own individual lens and that's what makes it so valuable. We learn and can relate from the experience of others to draw comfort and enlightenment. Not everyone has the ideal relationship with their parents, yet so many sacrifice themselves to step up. Others have the the self awareness to understand that AL, SN, and MC are the best way to move forward....for all involved. Some of us have underlying circumstances that dictate to do what is best for ourselves and families. I'm sorry this offends you, but as you stated life is not choreographed. We have to live what life has dealt us and hope we have the strength and fortitude to get us through.
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Narcissism and other cluster B personality types are a strong indicator for carer stress and that's why we see so much of it discussed here
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Segoline, not every person will go to the doctors to get a diagnosis. My mother is one of them. She clearly has mental illness but because she is not formally diagnosed I just say she has an undiagnosed mental illness. She won’t get checked out for mental illness. She is 95 years old. She’s not going to change her ways now!!!
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I haven't posted in a while but could not resist. Segoline, there are a lot of narcissists around. Not just parents who require care giving. All you have to do is watch CNN and the coverage of Trump. (yes, I know. No politics) But he is a narcissist of the nth degree. Now, imagine having to care for him when he loses his marbles. Which I think he already has, by the way.

This forum is a small percentage of people who have narc parents and parents with mental illness. My S I L on my husbands side, case in point. Mental as the day is long. Both of her daughters want nothing to do with her. She made their life hell and I was witness to it. I wanted to phone child services and have them taken out of her home many a time but was told "mind your own business" by none other than my hubs who is the uncle.

So, I don't blame these people who were brought up this way for not caring for their parents. I was lucky. My mom was a dream compared to what others have gone through. But if she had been like my S I L I wouldn't have thought anything about leaving her in the lurch, so to speak. Care giving is a thankless job at the best of times. Add in a person with mental problems etc and it's hell on earth.

I don't think the small majority of people on this site who have struggled with narc parents represent the big picture. I'm sure there are countless numbers of people who had wonderful, loving parents and still struggled every day to keep it together while taking care of them. I was one of those and am so grateful. Funny, I received tons of criticism for singing my moms praises on here, People thought I was rubbing it in. Guess you just can't win.
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Segoline, This is a very interesting topic. I don't usually post but here goes. I am alone in life. My only sister rejected me, my only child rejected me. I have no other relatives. I am caring for my DH who has vascular dementia.

I wonder who will take care of me in my old age. I am 71 yo. I told our estranged daughter about the fact that her dad is pushing 90 and she said she only wanted to know about our deaths or a serious illness, other than that leave her alone. She is a doctor.

We were good parents.
I live in a small village without lots of social things going to on to help seniors. Not moving. So I just gotta stay well and look for people who might take care of us. We thought we had a good church but they had a huge church split and they have been fighting. So your post was interesting.
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I am one of those that did not sign up for care giving, but landed back at my elderly parents home when one of them was ill. The situation was such that one of us had to be close by. When things were good, they were ok. When not, it really wasn’t. Someone always had to come home. As someone who had health issues as well, single, my siblings thought it was a good idea for me to stick around for an extended stay. No reason to “rush home”. That was 3 years ago. My parents have not been nice, “I am a loser” - my health has suffered, there is no consideration from my siblings and no help when the parents get sick. 4 times I have saved my dad’s life, literally, ( I am an Ex heath care worker), and they are both still the most passive aggressive people as I remembered. Mean spirited, to each other and me. Being “10” again is not what I planned for myself at this stage of life. No, I do not mind being here for them. However if I leave and go back where I enjoy life, it is not going to be convenient to come back and forth. Something I have always been the one to do. Now, that is not an option. Neither sibling was available for my one parent’s last 3 week hospitalization or follow up appointments. They my parents, both threaten to “slap” me, like when we were kids, toss me out on to the street, okay I can leave, but again, I cannot come back.. and they cannot do “sick” alone. Left to each other, they both would have died the last time they got sick. Neither thought the other should go to the Doctor. One would have gone into shock, a month later the other would have had a seizure and died with in an hour had I not come home. These are typical scenarios of this age group. Go to sleep and not wake up. Death by natural causes.
My social life is in the toilet, my part time job suffers and my other one, managing a couple of part time homes in the neighborhood, one parent tries to get all up in my business. Trying to tell me how to do the yards...but not their own. They don’t even know the homeowners. I find them on the property. Sneaky and nosy. No matter how many times I ask to stay out, it gets worse. She attempts to manage everything from food, laundry, driving, what is in my room...oh yes, goes through my things.
Name calling is nothing. They both remind me often that I have not much left after my health issues, I have not accomplished anything, ( no not a Dr, but lots of accomplishments and accolades), a mistake baby, (as if I never did the math), no one will ever want me... it just keeps going. ( I ran ultramarathons, still run, fitness train, personal train others, danced professionally and still fit in my high school clothes- modeled, skied, pretty well read, on a couple of boards locally, made a few friends. Drs, lawyers, Indian Chiefs, still I do suck).
Not sure how others deal with life like this. No doubt, whether your parents live with you or vice versa, it’s not a fun time for everyone or every household. Mine were never my “friends”. Never my “confidents”. Whatever was said would be used against us kids at a later date. No matter what was. It still is. So we learned very early on not to tell them anything. No talking at the table, there still is no talking. It is meaningless. I have not sat with them in 2 3/4 years. It is not worth the headache of one being brow beat the whole meal while the meal is being complained about. Not once in my lifetime has a meal been wonderful, delightful or delicious or fun to have made by my mom. Most birthdays were “whatever”. There are no happy vacations or laughter in my memory box. Yelling, hitting, degradation. By both parents. So yeah, I pull up my boot straps, ditch my own life and privacy, to see to it that these two do not go to assisted living. When is it enough? Anyone else?
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I agree. At least for those whose parents were decent. It's another story if they weren't.
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Agree with lealonnie1 about break time.
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Has anyone here read Death In Slow Motion: My Mother's Descent into Alzheimer's, by Eleanor Cooney? 2003 book but out there cheap on Amazon because of its age. Eleanor is an author, has written mysteries, and art mysteries, good writer. Her Mom was an author well respected in her own right, had studied and written of Audubon, and was a brilliant woman. While it is shocking and sad, it is also at times laugh-out-loud funny as Eleanor and her husband attempted to care for her Mom, moving her from her home to their own home in California. For those who have lived this life, who consider doing 24/7 care, I sure do recommend this book, and I suspect for those who have done this care, it is an amazing read. I wrote Ms. Cooney when I read her book soon after publication, because my best friend had moved to Ohio and was caring for her mother 24/7. She was incredibly nice. Sure do recommend this book. Another good read is George Hodgman's book, Bettyville, about his return as a gay man, from the world of New York Publishing, to small town Missouri, to care for his Mom; he did so until her death. Mr. Hodgman sad died recently, a suicide. But his book is also heartrending and at the same time full of the humor that makes life bearable. As he said, when he began all that he thought the Donut Hole was a special Senior Breakfast.
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Segoline - In your line of work, you're seeing the scums of the scums. I can see how that would disgust you seeing grown children trying to hide assets and dumping their parents on Medicaid and washing their hands off of the parents' care.

Most people here on this AC forum are not the type that you describe. There are a few new or one-time posters who do ask how to hide assets in order to get Medicaid, and they do get the appropriate replies from the old timers here that parents' assets are to be used for parents' care or contact an attorney to ask that question. And they all go calling your law office. Haha.

Have you thought about working for Medicaid in your state instead? Maybe in their asset recovering department? Or department that reviews and approves applications? That way you can spot and weed out the scums that are calling your law firm.

BTW, I do enjoy the news articles you post now and then about senior care. Was it you that posted about the "Good Death Society?"
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You're overwrought with many things, & bitter in many directions.
If you can possibly take a vacation, (away from your work) it could help a lot. Change of scenery for a couple weeks & some enjoyment.... Maybe a good friend would accompany u.
(Sounds like your own mental health is teetering on the edge).
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I am not criticizing any of you. I am the entitled who want no responsibility.

I have been down nightmare lane with you in all of its iterations, or many of them. My mom at time of death had ALZ and vascular with Behaviors. So many behaviors. We had to,put her on psycotrophic meds which ultimately hastened her death. You think I might have some guilt about that. She had a Ph.D. was very clever.,oh so clever. Could hide this line you wouldn't believe. Her IQ at one time was off charts. But, as dementia began to invade, she acted like someone who had bipolar, or schizophrenic, or schizoaffective. She acted like a narcissistic. But she was none if those things, clinically. She wasn't and had not been in any part of her life. She was sick. And she was hospitalized in a geriatric psych unit to determine if what it looked like was true.

My point being the following. It may look like mental illness.it may look like narcissism. But it is a disservice to both mental illness and dementia iterations to label without confirmation. Both suffer in treatment and diagnosis.
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Barb, I have absolutely no objection. We thought we would be there too at some point. And would have been in two years. But hospice was right in their timeline.

There is nothing at all wrong with Medicaid and I don't mean to imply that and hope no,one infers from my post. It's just that man, some people just think it's a credit card. And they can keep mom or dad's money without any responsibility of their own. None.

Again, we were going to be in that boat. Had my,mom lived 2 years past our selling house in April. Jeeze. We were dialing for dollars for three years. And that is only when the issue became critical. I have no judgement on Medicaid. I do against boomer kids who want no parental responsibility, yet want their money.
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Ssegoline, an adult child has NO LEGAL OBLIGATION to pay for their parents care. Filial obligation laws do not obligate a child to bankrupt themselves paying for care.

My mother paid her own nursing home Bill's for 4 1/2 years and would have eventually qualified for Medicaid. And yes, we would have paid a lawyer to do the application, with moms money.

Yes, I have a home, retirement money and a decent lifestyle, as do my brothers. Not because of our parents' money; but because we earned good salaries.

We arranged for mom's care. As did you. We did not feel obliged to become her hands on caregiver in our homes because she needed more than that.

Why do you object to elders being on Medicaid if they have run out of money? How does an adult child impoverishing him or herself make any sense to you?
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I run the reports on new clients. What is your bankruptcy history. Liens. Judgments. Assets. Criminal civil court history. Your assets. Your entire social media history. All of it. It's apalling what I see. Just appalling.

I did not use my firm to handle my mom's stuff. They don't like to handle employee matters. Wisely so. Our guardianship was third attempt due to a sibling. Had I used our firm, would have been 100k at least.

When I run one of these reports, I can see every. Single. Thing.,you have ever posted on social media. And the judge will too.

Seriously, what I see from boomer kids is just awful.
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I agree with you, Segoline, about getting a correct diagnosis with suspected mental illness, which is in many instances difficult to do and may require more than one medical opinion, but should be done if at all possible. A geriatric psychiatrist and/or neurologist is imperative when mental illness or dementia symptoms start presenting in order to know how best to treat the patient.

In my mom's case, she was diagnosed with both mental illness and dementia (suspected vascular). She had struggled with mental illness/personality disorder for years before she started experiencing worsening memory loss and overall cognitive function. For a long time, she had been largely non-compliant with her meds, including taking her insulin as she should, which made things worse.

My mom passed in February, but situations like mine that at times reached a crisis point are a heavy load on adult children of the elder, especially those who, like myself, are married with children. We ultimately had to place mom in a facility as we tried hands-on 24/7 and it was just too much. Even then, I felt like I really couldn't relax, never knowing when I was going to get a crisis call, saying that mom was being taken back to the psychiatric facility or hospital.

Of course, as you mentioned, grandparents raising grandchildren are often going through similar situations and have it just as hard, especially where substance abuse is involved.

I think it's just that each individual situation is unique, and depends mostly on the family relationships going into a caregiving situation, as well as the diagnosis and needs of the one needing care.
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This is not happening in my law firm. It is happening in many throughout the state. The largest CLE enrollment anymore is MEDICAID. Some, man more than just some, want to put parents on Medicaid and get the money. We alone get 15 inquiries a week. And we aren't cheap. I conflated several things, yes. But you have clients or potential clients come in and inquire. You check their social media prior to taking on. Yes, that's what is done, so that's why I said it. It's pretty disgusting, frankly. Again, if it doesn't apply to you, then it doesn't.
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My state alone has 70k grandparents taking care of grandchildren due to,opioid crisis. What happens to their financial future? No they did not plan for this. If my,post does not apply to you, then ignore it. It's not that hard really. So,many boomer kids seeking legal counsel on how to get out of this responsibility. And they cough out some big bux to do it. I have compassion for you who,are in the trenches. For your elders. But man, I see some ugly ugly sides. Again,if my,post does not apply to you, then it's not you.

But lumping many elders into a mentally ill category without verification is wrong.,it is. I tend to side with the elders here.
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What on earth does this forum have to do with social media? We're all here precisely BECAUSE we're involved with the hard sh*t we have to do in life. Duh. Perhaps it's time for you to take another break from this forum. Sure sounds like it
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Tacy/Rainmom, Regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I agree with your comments about way too many narcissistic relatives statistically on this web site. I wonder how many of them have been professionally evaluated. I think everyone should remember this is an informational forum. At the bottom of the page there is disclaimer about non professional information legal, medical etc.
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We circle back around to common ground and something we agree upon, tacy. I’ve said that here several times myself - statistics on Narcissism just don’t support the number of claims of a Narcissist parent one sees here on AC.

However, I do suspect that this site might support a higher average of Narcissist parent(s) than normal - hence, part of the reason their caregiving child winds up here.

Some folks are just plain mean, nasty and totally self-absorbed. These folks probably shouldn’t have had children in the first place - but that’s just not how it was done in our parents generation. In fact, it’s relatively recent that choosing to remain childless is viewed upon as an acceptable alternative.

As for the bonafide Narcissist... I actually have some compassion for them. They are victims of an actual personality disorder - a mental illness. How much they can or cant help what they do is hard to say.
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It is curious how 1% percent of the population has NPD and they all end up here. A statistical anomaly wouldnt you say.

Listen everyone has off days so I get it. There are subjects that drive me crazy. The worse is the my parent is blind in one eye cant see out of the other, has full dementia and has had 10 accidents in 10 day, should I take the car keys? Sometimes I just want to say, wtf are you thinking, duh.

Every person here who has jumped on you has done the same exact thing on their bad days including me. I wouldnt stress it, you can still feel free to post opinions.

Hope today was better.
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When my dad was ill knowing he was going to leave this world before my mom, her told us kids frequently "Take care of Momma." We have. My younger brother who was an amazing person and a great help passed six months before Daddy. My older brother has a ton of health issues himself and helps to the extent he can. So it fall 98% on my shoulders. I accept this and do not resent it. That being said, my mom's dementia has created challenges I never thought I would have to deal with. Delusions, paranoia, depression, anxiety, anosognosia, OCD, perfectionism gone astray, hoarding syndrome all in addition to a host of physical ailments. We have 24/7 in-home care (she refuses to leave her home) and I manage her meds, doctor's appointments, care giving schedulue, income taxes, bills, banking, property taxes...on and on and on. YET!...it is overwhelming even with lots of family popping in from time to time and because of her delusional accusations towards me (no one knows why or where this has sprung from!), I have had to limit my actual face to face time with her since most of the time it sets her off. I do this for her as much as for myself. I attend Alzheimer's support groups. So, yes I feel "blessed" that I am available and physically able to carry out Daddy's request but it is draining on all levels. I suggest we respect each other in their walk with their loved one's path through life. I doubt seriously that anyone is unaware that life is hard; nor is anyone thinking it's all about FB, tweets, the Kardashians and the latest Netflix binge. I don't think anyone on this site is the sort who's just whining and carrying on. We may not always agree with what someone posts or their opinions but that too, is life! I hope you find peace with all that has challenged you in your life.
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Agree with Alva, (regarding that not everyone has the ability to "hands on" care for family). Most everyone can contribute in other ways though, like visiting, providing respite for CG, or providing money toward care. That's reasonable for most to comply with. Sego, you have judged people & insulted them, so you seem angry. Find ways 2be constructive instead.
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I am 77, Segoline, but I am not sure I am "grown up" as you say. And I KNOW I would never have been in my life capable of doing this 24/7 care.
I might wish I were a better person. In fact I DO at times wish I were a better person. But I would not be capable of this. For myself, I find it difficult to live with others when they are well and rational. I was all my life a nurse, and I loved it; I especially loved working with elders. But it was an 8 hour shift; I had unending support; I went home at the end of that shift; and there was no family baggage involved. It was hence easy to be kind and giving.
I see people on the forum who have broken themselves in the service they feel they are obligated to do. Many of them express childhoods filled with the pain of parents who were not capable of good parenting. And still some of these folks martyr themselves to this care. Everyone has different reasons for doing it.
I see also some stronger people surviving, with the need to vent, and with bad days, but still surviving.
Segoline, you have every right to wish the world were a better place and filled with stronger, better people. You have every right to make your own choices. But to my mind you do not have a right to judge others. I don't think any of us do, really.
I think most of us limp along through life doing the best we can, pulling the good out kicking and screaming. It is very difficult, life. We aren't all as strong as you are. Sorry for that.
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Sego--
I think you posted out of an angry moment---none of us think CG is easy. If we did, we wouldn't be HERE.

If we had it easy or have great relationships with our LO's we would be spending our time elsewhere. This board has been a true godsend to me as I have struggled through a lot of stuff I DO NOT want to share with family (tried, doesn't help) and the people here are 99% supportive and kind.

I'm sorry you feel angry. Take a beat, take a day and maybe see a therapist who can help you. We're gonna continue 'complaining' as it were, b/c we don't need to implode on someone.
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Segoline, you get to have your opinion. You don’t get to judge. Good on you if you are superwoman, many of us are not. Many of us had very cruel uncaring parents who now want us to sacrifice what years we have left to take care of them. I will not do it. I worked hard to take care of myself and be secure in my older years.
So have your opinion and think what you want. I personally don’t give 2 rats arses about strangers posting ill will on here or what their opinion is on my life. Grow up yourself.
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Here you go once again Segoline...you have posted this before...just uses different words, but basically the same old bs! As far as take responsibility for our parents; I didn't realize that us (adult kids) had to take responsibility for our parents...that's funny I thought they 'should have' taken responsibility for themselves! I have called you out before about your attention seeking know it all attitude! But I guess you got bored!!

As far as life being hard...NO KIDDIE...we Didn't need YOU to tell us that...Really! Some people here have probably had it way harder than you could have ever imagined. So don't even try to begin with life is hard...you have no idea what the people have gone through in life and as a caregiver!

As my mother use to say, "if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all." I say, "if you have nothing nice to post then post nothing at all."

And as far as who do we think we are? Who the h3ll do you think you are? We are just people trying to get through one day at a time! Doing the best we can...but hey, if you would like you are more than welcome to come to my house and step in my shoes and juggle the 50 balls in the air and deal with a mother who never liked you and a low life brother who is always starting crap and the other 101 things that seems to always happen at the wrong time!!

My question to you is "who do you think you are???"
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Sego, I think that folks here are well aware of what happens when you walk away and allow someone else to take guardianship. I've never read a poster here who took that step lightly.

One more point: many folks come here while trying to get help caring for their mentally ill, destructive parents while trying to raise their own children. A parent's FIRST duty is to their minor child and to their spouse. Elderly parents are a distant third.

Parents have had a lifetime to prepare, financially and otherwise for their old age. Their lack of planning is NOT my emergency. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with parents who planned and have done so myself.

I think you need to get your thoughts in order before you post.
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