Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
This site has encouraged me and pointed me to the right directions on seeking help. This is exciting and gives me hope where I was in total despair when I first wrote.
I mean, why would my family doctor ask me if I had suicidal thoughts? He must be sensing my desparation and feeling like the hamster that continues to run and run, never getting anywhere on that wheel. But no way am I that far down and depressed to take my own life. No, no, no. But cry my eyes out, yes. Want to bury my head in the pillow and sleep some days? yes. Walk out the door? yes. Run away? yes.
But that doesn't solve any issues.
I feel good that I accomplished so much - and I am not stopping now. And I have to give credit to everyone that has posted here. Giving me courage to just do it no matter what my husband feels and says, it's the right thing to do.
Thanks everyone!! Have a good night....
Being a carer is WONDERFUL. The world needs more people like you. Being a human doormat is far less admirable. I hope you can keep the difference firmly in mind!
I am soooo glad you are making progress in getting some help with mil. You go, girl!
(Many people are totally ignorant of what dementia or brain damage entails. Every single bodily function is controlled in the brain, and when the brain malfunctions it is amazing how that can show up. I don't blame your husband for not knowing that -- who does, when we first encounter it up close and personal? But I do blame your husband if he isn't willing to educate himself and if he insists that his screwy ideas are right.)
By the way -- switch in topics here -- I too learned CPR once. My husband's wishes are quite clear and in writing and notarized. Should he have a heart attack he does NOT want to be resuccitated. He feels cheated that his brothers all died of cardiac problems and he is saddled with dementia. I would never go against his wishes and perform CPR on him, or let others do so. Not that either of us is against the procedure in the right circumstances. Nearly twenty years ago neighbors did CPR after he fell off a ladder. We were/are grateful. That was then. This is now. Whole different ballgame. Does MIL have a healthcare directive? Would she want you to perform CPR? Could you respect her wishes if the time comes? Just some things to think about ... in your spare time. :-)
He never said he was sorry, (he never does). Told me I needed to understand real life - I'm no princess. I will NEVER forgot those words. The argument was over me buying a new winter coat with money my mother sent to me. I learned that I don't go shopping without telling him. That has since changed because that is childish. He feared I was going to be like his ex-wife and run up charge cards. (well, she did that because she wanted the girls to have things & he wouldn't give her money- said that was her job to provide that part, remember, he didn't want kids). That was cold but I really didn't think he meant it. Sometimes men will say things to sound tough and gruff, puffery, I never believed he didn't want children even after they were born. But he really did mean it. In fact, when child number 2 happened, he was laid off work - no insurance, exwife gets pregnant, instead of being nice, he told her to get an abortion, yelled over why didn't she take her birth control pills like she should? Ex-wife told me that one, I didn't believe her - just felt she was wanting me out of his life. Turns out, after a couple years earlier, he told me that was true. He didn't want the second child AT ALL. Was very angry over it. I am surprised she stayed strong and had the baby. But this is the child from hell. I haven't explained the youngest one. After she was born, this child had many childhood illness' like ear infections, croup, colds, always sick and cried a lot. I have been told that she threw horrendous fits, kicked like a mule, fought them, would roll her eyes back where only the whites would show, then her nose would squirt out blood because she was so mad. Her older sister was afraid of her. She did not do well in school, was ADHD with hearing loss and quick to physically fight. She tried more than once to harm her sister and was entered into counseling ever since 2nd grade, was still in counseling when I met her. Her mother did not want her although she adored the oldest one. I know this sounds like a movie or story telling soap opera, but this is the God's Honest Truth. This is why the oldest sister has NOTHING to do with her younger sister. When the youngest comes over, the older one leaves. The younger one is trying to be nice and find a relationship now with her older sister but older sister wants NO part of her. I felt, when I entered this family, that they just didn't understand the needs of the younger one. Yes, she was hard headed, but I made sure her homework was completed and I checked it before she was allowed priviledges. Her mother didn't care what she did. Never helped her do homework. Dad worked nights, didn't know this was going on. I got her grades up, worked with the teachers and her excuses did not fly with me. I checked out her friends, rarely allowed a sleep over because I could not trust her to be where she said she would be. Never had a daughter, I had 3 boys - it was hard, but I feel she would have been a high school drop out or a druggie had I not been involved. Even when she went to live with her grandma, she tried to get away with things - but I kept close tabs on her. My famous words were "busted". When husband and ex-spouse broke up, ex-spouse refused to take the younger one, I still can't believe a mother not wanting a child. We had a lot of damage repair over this, because she cried and cried, acted out missing her sister and mom. I think that is why my husband needed me so badly to move in right away. It was so clear after I did. His daughter needed direction. The only life I have known has been "caregiver". From little brother, to a grandparent, to babysitting, to my own children, grandchildren, friends - I am a giver. Many times, forget what I want - my time needs to be spent here. I do this with pets, too. I have nursed thrown away pets, got them back to being healthy, most I kept but a few I found good homes for. I don't know any other way - I "mother" everything, look for the good in everyone. Or try to fix, help, assist.
Good for you. Keep us posted. I know we are all impressed and rooting for you.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
Normally, I can keep her calm here, but over at ther daughter's it is hectic with children and grandchildren running around, the home is very small & it makes my MIL very nervous. When there, I am told that she takes the anxiety pill 3x a day, and when I call to talk to her, making sure she is ok, her speech is slurred like she is drunk. But daughter says MIL needs the drugs to cope.
The Geriatric doctor recommended not to give her the alprazolam since it has been known to make the elderly "off balance" and she has true balance issues, poor mobility. He did not want to go against another doctor, so he has asked if perhaps Namenda might be a better choice. Do you know anything about this?
She also had a staph infection when we brought her to Ohio in July 2011, that had to be treated. She also had tear duct repair over eyes not tearing. That was more doctor visits. Her old hearing aid quit working, so I took her to get new hearing aids, she is SO deaf - but even after 5 visits back to hearing aid doctor, so refuses to wear them - says they don't work, they plug her ears. They are excellent hearing aids, so I don't know why she won't just try to wear them. It would life here so much better.
Her skin is thin, bruises easily. I have to check her feet often, because they get dry & I have to put lotion on them (she can't reach).
She has a disease called Pagent's, where "if she falls, she breaks", and has had 2 broken hip surgeries from falls, 3 arm surgeries with plates & rods over falls, but since she has lived with us, NO BREAKS from falls - because I am there, or try to be. Making sure she has solid food & have her drinking ensure for extra nutrients. I am more than her caregiver, lol. I take this seriously, if there is something that can be done to make her feel better - I am going to do it. I read and try to share my findings with my husband, and he is tired of it. Most of the time he tells me it doesn't matter. What happens, happens. Her medical issues are not under our control - but it is. Unless I am not understanding this. I try very hard to give her balanced meals, watch her water intake, medicene - and every blood test comes back good. I make her walk, do minor exercises that she thinks is dumb sometimes, but she is not wheelchair bound. She needs more - but I am no nurse or doctor or therapist. Any other ideas that I can do for her?
I had $30,000 from prior divorce settlement, had my 401K, all gone now. I lost it due to poor real estate market last year and then dealing with taking care of his mom where I can't work or concentrate. Health issues hurt too. Can't function with migraine & nausea.
I'm anxious to see how all will be, once I get MIL taken care of. But IF he does not follow through, I can not stay here. I already gave up a year of my life, practically grounded to her. And for what? My crazy belief that someday I may find myself with alzheimer's but I won't burden my children as she does. Life lesson learned here.
I have talked to his ex-wife, who felt it was important to "warn me" because I was too nice for him. She had told me he was selfish, if the girls wanted something, she had to work to pay for it. His overtime money was his to spend. She didn't like to cook & they went out to eat almost every night. That cost money, and he paid for all meals out, the house payment, car payments, utilities, insurances - all bills to run the household. He was not one to hand over money for clothes, school activities, band instruments, ice skating lessons, swim lessons - she had to pay for those. She also said, with 2 girls, what she made almost zero'd out because of the child care she paid for, so she didn't always work. Didn't make sense. He would not pay for child care. It was easier to work, once the girls were in school. She was a church goer and sunday school teacher. They did not party, get drunk, she felt a boring life - which was not for her. They did have excellent trips & vacations, but hated her mother-in-law because of her accusations, trying to break up their marriage from early on. She is 2 yrs younger than him, pretty, still thin - but she walks around with a chip on her shoulder full of woe is me. Blaming him for her sucky life now. But she has a college 4 yr degree from Ashland College that has never been used. She can't hold a job, has been let go from a few. She gets drunk now & loves going to bars. Never re-married but still living with the man she left her husband for. She is not a happy person, not at all. I see her often around town. Wears make-up, like painted on with strong red lipstick. Hair is naturally dark brown, but bleaching it blonde that looks awful. She is so pretty with her natural color hair, don't understand why she is doing a 360 degree from earlier married life. Quit church, goes to bar, living unmarried with a man, wears clothes that should be worn by someone much younger, some close to being slutty being skin tight & very very low cut, I don't understand.
My husband tells me pretty much the same story, how this straight laced woman is now a party girl. He said she would never dress like that, drank, or wanted to go to bars. They were a very christian family. So I don't know.
His daughters tell me that their mom would leave them alone and not come home until their dad was supposed to be home, when they were 8 & 10 and told not to tell dad. She had started running around on him when he went on 2nd shift. Then she found a man who wanted her - so she left. She's been partying with him ever since.
I've been told that women who "chase" aren't taken care of at home, something is lacking in the relationship. I just think she no longer wanted to be a mom or wife. She didn't even want both children. Giving the youngest to my husband to raise and she took the older one. Isn't that weird? Not to want a child?
I had to deal with that one, since the youngest lived with us. She wanted to be with her mom, but mom said NO!. Refused to take her. In her junior year of high school, her grandmother on her mom's side was needing someone to live with her as her health & diabetes was bad. We let her go, but stayed active in her life where her grandmother died within 2 yrs. It was good that we allowed her to be with her grandmother. If we hadn't, she would have resented us. She then moved in with her mom after the oldest daughter moved to Florida to work at Disney.
The oldest is living with us now, because dad pays for everything & is helping her go to college. I am all for it. I don't like student loans & as long as she continues to be an A or B student - we help. She graduates from college next May. We are very proud of her. Meanwhile, younger daughter got kicked out of mom's, came back to live with us for 6-7 months, found a boyfriend who we did not approve of, moved out to be with him, got pregnant & has a little girl now. I was hard on her while she was here, I admit that. Instead of looking for a job, she sat here playing world of warcraft, wanted to wear this dark gothic clothes, painted face, and I made her change once when she thought she was going out in a black short hooker skirt. I wanted her to go to college or technical school - not for her. Nope, no part of going back to any school. She really was addicted to this game & if we cut the internet off, she went hostile. It was not a good time, but I tried.
My husband has a great relationship with the oldest that lives with us, and a somewhat ok relationship with the youngest, because she doesn't do what she should. Extemely argumentative, won't listen, and feels the world is against her. But they are on their own, ok apartment, boyfriend works full time to support them, they will be ok.
Oh dear, here I go writing another book. No one is going to take the time to read this...Sorry.
IF this marriage fails, and if it does I accept it, but I don't ever plan on marrying again. I will work 2 jobs if necessary to be on my own. I used to think that I needed a man to feel good about myself, someone to go out with, protect me, security - but I have found other single women doing fantastic on their own. After 27 yrs in one marriage and almost 10 with this one - nope, my experience has been, they only break your heart. I love to travel, I have great children and grandchildren, I still have both of my parents living and luckily in pretty good health, my career is very rewarding, started back going to church - my future isn't too bleak if I leave. But I will miss what I had - the good years with him. But not giving up yet.
It will cost us $600 a week for 30 hours of assisted non-medical in-home care & they are trying to help me with another avenue of 1 week a month in assisted living/alzhemier's home that will be partially covered for a 24/7 stay @ 7 days. I am thankful for the physical therapy being covered 100% , she needs that. Then her money can cover the other IF we can get the attorney's help & court approval. I feel like a major hurdle is finally making way.
I turned his sister in to the Adult Protective Services, over the money draining & felt they should know about what happened in Florida (daughter assault/battery against MIL, which is still an open case). Also, letting them know about treating her wrongly in their home. It was the APS person telling me the "right" people/firm to contact to stop this (the attorney I set the appt with). They can not step in at this point, but did open a file for us.
My husband still denies his mom needs to be in a full time facility & doesn't believe that alzheimer's can cause an elderly person to lose their ability to swallow, needing feeding tubes. Also can lose the ability to urinate on their own, needing cathiters (spelling?). And this is part of the reason she is losing her ability to walk & have balance. Dizziness is setting in also, which is the other reason I need her to be seen by the Geriatric Doctor. BIG ALSO, I am taking her instead of my husband so he can hear the REAL story, not the one my husband tells.
I can think of 2 women I know who finally walked - the first cleaned the house, did the laundry and stocked the freezer. Then left a note saying the marriage was in trouble and what did he want to do about it? He and the kids frantically called his sister, my friend. She gently asked him if he was really so clueless? Well, they did work it out - they were very concerned for minor children, which is not your issue.
The second planned her escape very carefully - she had good reason to be afraid for her safety. She removed her personal property quietly over several months, squirreled away what money she could, worked with friends who wanted to help her and finally when he came back one Sunday after a weekend away, she just was not there and no one knew anything about it. He did get a letter a few days later, forwarded from her attorney, explaining that if anything were to happen to his wife, he, the attorney, was holding a package to be sent to the IRS. A year later, she has regained her health and is now happily on her own.
Whatever you decide to do, it should be your decision. You cannot control your MIL or your husband or his family - it is not wise to make your decision based on the idea that others will change. So far they haven't done so. But you do need to love yourself. And please do not discount the possibility of physical abuse - I presume you have no guns in the house; lock up knives, chemicals etc. Never underestimate a deranged person. Very best wishes and prayers - you CAN get out of this situation.
rovana has gotten back to the basics here. I urge you to see a lawyer. That doesn't mean you have to take immediate steps. You can still try to work toward a better resolution in place. But NOW, before you do anything else or he does anything else, find out exactly where you stand financially and how to protect your share of the joint assets. Maybe this is a totally unnecessary precaution. Maybe your marriage can get back on track. Maybe you husband would not really exploit the situation further and cheat you finanically.
But it is better to be safe than sorry. Better to act from a position of knowledge than from ignorance.
See a lawyer, first.
OK. Hubby needs to get educated about dementia. He is trying to stay in denial, and that is something we can all understand. I don't think any of us were willing and able let alone eager to see it or recognize it in our own parents when it started happening, but it becomes a fact you can't go on ignoring. I'm a physician and I'll readily admit I did not see it with my own parents at first - I wondered what Mom really wanted and why what she said she wanted did not make sense epsecially compared to what she did and did not do, and why Dad started to be dishinibited and could not send me e-mails or play Solitaire on the computer any more. Since I'm a pediatrician and not a geriatrician, and it was a STEEP learning curve. And, I had to get educated on finances and the differences between skilled nursing and assisted living, and what all the options on home care, day programs, and respite were all about. If you don't want to or financially can't consider the nursing home, there ought to be something between that and home needing 24-7 care and supervision and getting no help. I won;t hold out a lot of hope that her condition could be improved, but at least one comprehensive geriatic evaluation could be done and possibly medications tried or adjusted. I only know resources in Arkansas and SW Pennsylvania to recommend, but depending where you are in Ohio the Benedum center with UPMC is very, very good with this and the SW with the program would be of a great deal of help.
If hubby really WANTS to know "why she is acting this way" he is going to have to come with you and hear it straight up first hand. I suppose I'm like you and can see the resaons for still holding out hope that the denial is a big enough part of why your husband can disregard how abusive this situation is of you, and that once he is able to let go and see what is going on he might be able to be more loving and decent again and re-invest in your marriage. You have to recognize though that denial most commonly happens when someone simply can't face reality; its not the sort of thing you can smash with a hammer as much as you'd like to. Being in the hands of people who deal with this often, who can explain gently and begin to let you and hubby know that you are not alone in this, that many others have been there and found enough support to get through it, may allow it him to release it and begin to deal with what is, however sad or difficult it may be.
If he can't or won't do that - either way - you really are going to have to do something else besides sit around hoping things will get better, however uncomfortable it makes you feel, or how much the "I can't possibly, because..." reactions come to mind. You have to un-box yourself and get ready to deal with reality too.
An ugly cycle. I don't want to hurt Ohio's feeling either. But, I think cattails is correct that..."you need help knowing what is best for you." At the risk of hurting feelings and saying things that Ohio doesn't see or want to hear...there's a need for bluntness here. We can only hope...that Ohio will absorb it.
1. His money was His, and Her money was Theirs. She made more money than him. When he finished her paycheck, she would come to me and borrow money (not telling me that it was for him because Everybody Knew I Didn't Like Him. They all thought I was jealous of him but I saw how he was treating her.)
2. When he came into the scene, she drastically stopped seeing me. We always did things together. (She's now married to a wonderful man. He always encourages her to come and be with me every weekend!) Anyway, back with that boyfriend - they had 2 beautiful girls, but he always came first in her life...and because she loved him - she spent all her time with him. I ended up caring for those 2 little girls. It upset my sis when they called me mommy. (Up to this day, they still consider me their 2nd mother.) Doesn't this sound familiar? Except your hubby is preventing you from seeing Your Kids!
3. When she was dating him, she started having such an inferior complex. She's too fat, her dress is too short, she's this and she's that. I kept reassuring her that she's not but she never believed me. Sad to say, up to now, she still struggles with this. He treated her like sh-- so that she believe that no guy would find her pretty. Like your hubby, he had to work late at nights, or he's out with his friends, etc...Except he was fooling around. People knew and never told her. How do you think that affects your self-esteem?
4. She loved him so much, even when he shot her in the stomache and killed their son inside. The baby was going to be born soon and they were just waiting for him to "drop". Do you know that he had the Nerve to Blame Her for the death of their child?! He told her that she had no right to grieve.
Ohio, don't you see this attitude in your own hubby's??? Love Is Not Blind! Do you know what a man would do for the wife he loves? Please go to Lisa's thread on about her mother moving in 2 years ago and how to get her out. It's a long thread, but take your time reading it. Read, meditate on it, compare Lisa's situation with your MIL. The abuse is there. But, Lisa's husband was there for Lisa. Just as my sister's husband is there for my sis. He knows how close we are and he knows that his wife needs me (to do girl talks). Just read her thread, okay? I worry about you. You're not a slave. You're his wife but he's treating you like a slave.
READ, MEDITATE, APPLY. And Ohio, if at the conclusion and understanding and awareness descends upon you, and you still want to be with hubby and slave after MIL with YOUR money or YOUR health, then So Be It. But, I'd really rather you didn't. You will never find happiness in that. Take Care! Hugs to you.
Ohio - the only thing I would like to add to the comments are:
Do you have any real idea of what happened in his first marriage? Is all your info on it coming from the olde' chocolate dipper himself? What is the relationships between the mother/ex-wife and her children - there is a daughter who lives with you, correct? What is her take on marriage # 1 and why is she living with dad and not mom? Are there other kids and what's their relationship with dad and mom?
History tends to repeat itself. So what he did with wife # 1 is likely what he is doing to you and he's learned from that marriage and is better (and more clever at being demeaning) at it. So she was unfaithful and he got all boohoo about it.....I bet he laid that one thick on you and how much he hurt. The reality probably was that he stopped having sex with her and was controlling and demeaning to her too. But she decided to find someone else for sex since that aspect of their marriage wasn't happening and she had the balls to walk.
I'm in the group for you to go to see one of your kids for a long visit. But please check with the daughter-in-laws to see what works best for them and ask let them know that if they want to plan a get away, you are there to take care of the house and the grandkids. Then do it!
Your husband isn't going to pay for a caregiver. That is reasonable enough. Why should he? SHE should pay her own way. Since she can, she should be paying room and board and for whatever services she needs. But his denial/excuse is that she doesn't need a caregiver. Bull poop. He will not see that she is behaving selfishly by not paying for care. She's his mother. She's dying. She couldn't possibly be doing anything wrong. Fine and dandy if this game playing only affected the two of them. But who is getting hurt by this ridiculous unwillingness to see the truth right in front on him? YOU are.
Here is another truth that somebody should be facing: Her daughter can't handle her. Her son won't pay for in-home care and won't insist that she pay for it. So ... she cannot live with a daughter or son. Sorry. That is the reality. Moms can live with a child or more than one child in turns ONLY IF THE CHILD IS WILLING AND ABLE to handle that. Her daughter isn't. Her son isn't. (And her impairments are severe. I do not hold it against them that they can't/won't do it. I don't believe children have an obligation to personally provide 24/7 care no matter what.)
You think the only alternative is for you to step into the gap and devote your life and/or you income to see that she gets the level of care she needs and deserves. Sorry. That's more bull poop. There are good care centers out there. She can probably afford a very fine one. Visit her frequently. Advocate for her good care. You can probably actually develop a decent relationship with the old gal when you don't have the full-time responsibility to keep her from falling or scalding herself or doing self-destructive things.
You say that if you walk out of this relationship you are never going to have another man in your life. How could that possibly be worse than the situation you are in now? How could you have less sex (for example) than you are having now? You couldn't live without cold rejection? You need unreasonable demands to feel alive? What? OK, so no one might bring you the occasional dipped strawberry. Here's news: you can dip your own and have them anytime you want. Surely you don't seriously think that sticking with any man is better than having no man?
I look back on all the excuses I made for my first husband's behavior. I wish someone could have gotten through to me with a wakeup call. So that is the service I am trying to provide to you. I know absolutely nothing about your situation that you haven't told us. So obviously you do know how bad it is, if you'd just admit what you are seeing.
I am very familiar with that self-delusional brand of denial. Been there. Done that. Burned the tee-shirt and not going back.
Here is my issue. MIL can not be left alone. His daughter knows it. I know it. His sister knows it, but my husband feels the home is never without someone for hours - so it's ok if she is alone for 3 to 4 hours, just tell her to watch tv and behave. (Hmmm...when I say I am going out, she starts calling people, starts looking for food, goes through drawers and sometimes does crazy things that don't make sense). She is a fall risk. Her legs are so weak and shaky, sometimes even when I am here, I will go to her to make sure she can walk to bedroom or bathroom ok. I can't be a cold person and just let her fall. When her ankles swell, I care. When she bruises herself from catching herself from a fall and hitting the wall or a door, I care. When she tells me that she is having an anxiety attack, I care. When she lays in bed, crying and asking to die, my heart breaks. I care. Who else is there? She doesn't have any friends. Her neighbors don't want to talk to her because she isn't the same person and some of the blunt things she says offends them. But after doing all I do for her, and for no reason - she wants to pick a fight, and she is good at it, knowing how to hurt with words.
Now, what I meant by "paying for a caregiver" is this. My mother in law refuses to pay for care because she feels she is fine. She gets mad when I watch her too closely. My husband refuses to pay for a caretaker, when she has money & freely throws it out to her daughter and grandchildren. SO, he says, if I want to work, and NOT take care of her - then who is going to watch her? He says he isn't missing work, not when it's HIS income paying the bills because real estate sucks and I need a new career field. He wants to then throw his mom to his sister, who throws her back to us, can't handle her. Then he says, so if my sister won't care for her, she will have to go to a nursing home but says this in way I am sickened with guilt. BUT if I can find a way to get help in the home, go for it - as long as he doesn't have to pay anything. Which I am trying to do, but being told that she has too much in savings to qualify for assistance paid care. Which brings me back to ground zero. I have an appt tomorrow with the local agency to see what assistance if any available, and if not, what 's the cost. I am so tired of taking care of her, I am willing to pay at this point. So I can back on my feet before my career totally sinks. I can't afford to have that kind of reputation - to let my clients down. Thank goodness for a couple close associates that have been kind enough to help out. Otherwise I would be jobless for sure. It's hard to sort through what to do, when to do it, how to do it, am I sure that I am making right decisions, am I sure that my husband really knows that I hurt so bad and one day, may walk out the door? I don't know. But I don't want to think that way yet ... I think this whole mess has turned all of us in the family against each other so we say mean things because none of us know what to do. No, I absolutely do not resent my step daughter from helping, I appreciate what she does. I just don't understand how my husband honors her words over mine. That is what I resent - never her. I care a lot about her & it is important for her to finish school to be able to take care of herself as an adult, make a good living in a career she loves.
I know situations bring out the worst in people, I do not deny that. But when the problem is removed or a situation changes, the hurts that were caused are not forgotten but it could be worse. I know he is not cheating on me, he is just tuning me and his mom out because he doesn't know what to do either. He broke down and cried this weekend, too. He says his mom is dying before his eyes. Why is she acting this way? Long story.
What I don't get is the fact he is unwilling to help me out with additional care. It would solve some issues....
You are not loved. Maybe the sex was good with this man vs the last, but you are not loved.
In a mature relationship, weight gain from stress is a symptom. The problem needs to be solved. If your spouce is the problem and will not admit it, then you are not loved.
I don't enjoy saying this to you, but their is a difference between sex, infatuation, self indulgence and LOVE.
You have a therapist now so talk about this. What is love? You have many good years ahead of you. You can waste them or live them. Your choice. So sorry to be hurtful, but you are going to be hurt no matter what I say.
Cattails