My husband is in denial of just how bad his mom truly is. There are days where I just want to walk out the door!

Wow...what a story. Your MIL is obviously a fighter and is not ready to leave this earth!

What is your question and can you elaborate about the title of your post. How do you think your husband is in denial?

Ohio: I'm guessing here, but are you at a point where you would like to see your MIL placed in an nursing home and your husband doesn't agree? A couple of suggestions:

1. See if you can take a week off and get away from care giving. While you are away, be sure it is your husband that is providing the 24/7 care in your absence. It would be helpful if he could get the full experience you live with every day and night.

2. Talk to your local Area on Aging and talk directly to the person whose job it is to help care givers. You may find your MIL qualifies for in home help or day care at a reduced cost.

I hope you can arrange for your husband to provide the hands on care for your MIL for a week. It would be great if he could experience what is required and then you both may be able to sit down and have a real conversation about what is best for all involved.

Good Luck, Cattails

My husband is in denial because he believes his mother can be "left alone" , unattended in our home and I don't need extra help brought in to help take care of her. His mother is rude, nasty, mean, tells me to "go to hell", is very verbally abusive. She won't wash her hands after using bathroom where fecal matter is under her nails at times, then she wants to dive in and wash my dishes. NO! And she has urninary problems, refuses to wear a diaper, wears regular underware with urinary pads that she will saturate, wring out or dunk in toliet to re-use and wring out, which freaks me out. I have clorox wipes all over the home to try not to be in a bacterial breeding ground home. She spills things, messes to clean. I have to make all her meals, give snacks, prepare coffee, help her get in and out of tub for showers & assist, do the washing of clothes & bedding, deal with her abusiveness & outright delusions to where some days, I just cry and don't want to get out of bed. She has grabbed my paring knives to carry around inside a bag, hanging on her walker, which is a danger to herself and others, so now I have to hide all my knives, keep out of reach. I unplug the microwave so she doesn't overheat something and gets burned when I am not close to watch her. She goes through my drawers accusing me of stealing her things. She loses things by hiding them, can't remember where she hid them. The other day, she started taking everything out of my kitchen trash can, looking for her bank statement - accusing me of throwing it in the trash. I try to get her to stop, she starts throwing it out faster. My husband doesn't understand what I am going through because I do everything, looks easy enough to him! He doesn't have to do anything differently but my whole world has changed. I can't leave her alone. If I do, I worry myself sick about what is she doing? Is she burning the house down? She hates me at times - feels I am the reason that she can't live alone. So if I can't work, my husband does not pay MY bills, so I am upside down and finding myself for the first time, my personal savings gone and behind in my card payments. I have never been without money or had credit issues. I asked him to get outside help hired, so I can have some of my freedom back. Here is HIS answer: his mom is unwilling to pay for it, HE is unwilling to pay for it, so if I want help - it is up to ME to pay for it. We don't go out anymore. My other family members don't want to come over because she is not someone you want to be around most days. Plus once, I tried to watch a 1yr old granddaughter, his mom fell - taking the walker with her, splitting the babies back of her head open, his mom had poop running down her leg but my attention was get his mom back upright since SHE didn't seem to have broken anything except my granddaughter's back of head, had to call step daughter to come back to take baby to hospital, where she had to have her head stapled. They have not been back since. While mother-in-law pooped herself with poop running down both pant legs from family room to bathroom with her sceaming at me, why wasn't I helping her and cussing at me. My attention at that time was to get the bleeding stopped for granddaughter and getting help for her. I am at my wits end with depression issues settling in now. My husband just doesn't care, AS LONG AS I CONTINUE TO HANDLE IT ALL!!! But I have no choice. I can't leave, I have no money, bad credit now, too. While his mom can belittle me, cuss me, throw things at me - my life sucks. My husband works long hours, never comes right home after work, does not sit and talk to his mom - he stays busy and not around her. AND doesn't want to hear about it. I can't find any answers and feel doomed. I can't see it any other way. I just pray for the good days where my mother-in-law is nice and not abusive. (which is now getting further and further less). My husband's other daughter doesn't want to help. She is 25, attending college and works. She WILL at times, if asked, give leftovers on a plate or take in a bowl of ice cream if I need to run out, and allowed to DECLARE that she is NOT going to be her grandmother's babysitter or caretaker. And my husband allows that. So I feel like I am nothing. I have gained weight, so he longer finds me attractive either. Yep, so not only do I have a mother-in-law telling me to "go measure my behind" I have a husband who doesn't feel attracted to me either. Ok, I'll tell it straight - I have no sex life either. My friends and family tell me to walk away. But I want my husband to love & want me. Gaining the weight was my fault anyway.

I am at a point I don't know what I want, cattails, except to have my life back. I had a successful career that is now in jeapordy, I want my body back (gained so much weight because I am frustrated & depressed wtih a husband that no longer is attentive or desires me), I want to look forward to waking up with a smile on my face instead of sadness, wondering what kind of a day will it be, I want my freedom back without hearing his mother's voice being nasty to me, when all I do is give kindness in return & make sure her needs are met (even IF she can't remember and tells my husband's sister I don't give her anything to eat which is an outright lie, so I now text EVERY breakfast and lunch along with photo as proof which is MORE work on my plate). I want a clean house that I don't fear of getting a staph infection or sick over. I want my financial and credit back as it was with a bank account of savings in place. IF I could have at least a 10 to 4pm person coming in, I could work & juggle better. I understand his mother can't help her condition, but I am worn out. It would be nice to have her into a full time facility, but I have heard horror stories of the care - especially with someone that has a nasty, mean personality. I care about her & she deserves to have a good life - she's 90 and I don't know how much longer she will be here on earth. I don't wish anything bad on her. Yes, I get angry and have raised my voice at times when I am just so tired or a migraine is setting in. But I have never cussed her, told her mean evil things like her daughter & son has done (seen & heard it first hand), will never ever hit or hurt her (not my personality to lose control and hit). I am very soft spoken, which is hard for my mother-in-law to hear and I feel awful when I have to talk loud around her, so I use a lot of hand motions and signs, which she understands.

No, I can not transport her. She has mobility issues, where I risk her falling trying to get down front steps and into car. She is just too feeble and weak. Shakes in fear of falling. Then fear makes her lose bowel control, so it just isn't worth going through even considering a day care. In home care is best. Getting someone else to help her regain strength, like another phy therapist would be awesome. But how to pay for it????

Ohio: How long have you and hubby been married? How old are you and your husband?

I'm 63 and retired so I do not have a personal income anymore. My husband has a retirement. When I went to our Senior Information Center (Area on Aging), I spoke to a woman who handled support to care givers. I was inquiring about a care givers support group, but by the time I left, she had arranged for me to have 30 hours a month on in-home care and it ended up costing me $1.20 per hour. The reason I qualified for this is because I am over 60 years old and caring for a parent at home. It didn't matter that my husband had an income. The fact that I didn't was what was important. I don't know if this is available in Ohio and you won't know either if you don't go in and talk to them. So please make the time to go in and see what might be available for you. I will keep my fingers and toes crossed for you.

Your MIL should be seen by a geriatric specialist who truly understands dementia. Talk to her doctor for a referral. She should be evaluated and it's possible that medications could be prescribed to make her more reasonable and cooperative. Believe me, it is possible.

Ohio, I am so sorry for your sadness. Being saddled with your MIL and with the economy in the state that it is, I can see why you are having financial difficulties. I am also truly appalled at your husband's cold and selfish behavior. Weight gain is a common problem for those who end up being primary care giver. You can always lose weight, but the lack of compassion and support your husband is willing to lend you is possibly a sign of his character. He's fine when you are thin, pretty and financially successful, but not interested in you when you gain some weight, are struggling with your career and having to deal with his wacko mom around the clock. His mom is 90 and clearly dealing with dementia, but your husband is not and has no excuse.

I'm sorry to knock him because I know you love him and want things to work, but have you wondered what he would do if you were ill and needed help. Take MIL completely out of the picture and just ask yourself, "would he be there for you?"

If your husband has lost interest in you, I don't think it is a reflection on you. I think it is a reflection on him. You are doing your best. He is doing nothing. Just guessing here, but sounds like he was married before and after that ended he decided that he would detach himself emotionally in future relationships or maybe he was always detached. Maybe he thinks everyone needs to be independent like his mom was and ask for nothing. A good marriage doesn't work that way.

I'm not going to tell you what to do with in your marriage. I've already said enough and I'm sorry if it was hurtful. Go talk to your local Area on Aging. If you can't locate them, call your local Department of Social Services and they can direct you. See what help they can give you.

I'm keeping you in my prayers. You are a good person and deserve so much more help and compassion than you are receiving. Stay in touch, Hugs, Cattails.

Would a note/call from your doctor make an impression on your husband? You need a break before you break completely. Will a family member or (very good) friend put you up for a week? Could MIL go back to Florida with a FT aide that her pension or Medicare/caid would pay for?
Unfortunately, staying in there isn't going to help but make things worse. You might want to consider documenting a day or two in-the-life (nanny cam?) and taking it to the County's Aging Services to request assistance. At the least, talk to them and see what can be done. Talk to them soon!

Oh boy do you ever have your hands full!!! Yours is about the worst situation I've heard of. You need help OhioGal!! I don't want to sound mean, because its very clear that other people are being mean to you, but it sounds to me like your in "denial" over alot of what is happening here!!! You shouldn't be treated so badly, especially by your own husband. I 'm only saying how I see it from what you say,but I don't think your husband can't possibly see or know exactly what is going on. He would have to be out of his mind if he thinks this is O.K. If you took a step back & heard someone telling you that they were in this position you would see that nothing about this is right. Please don't let him put you thru this. You obviously love him,but I think your letting that cloud your judgement. A man who loves you would be doing all he could to help you for taking care of his mother.He's very lucky that you do so much for her . It's clear that you even still sympathize with her even though she's soooooooo difficult. I'm afraid that he might be figuring that you'll keep on doing all of this as long as he needs you to.He would have to be dumb & blind to think this is except-able. He should be helping you find out about getting someone in to help you out with her. Most people can't handle all that you are doing. That's why there are nursing homes & or, help available. Just remember that your only 1 person. If you keep this up you won't be good for anyone, ESPECIALLY yourself. When people are so caring, it's hard to see that your a victim. I bet if you read what you wrote, & imagined that this was happening to someone else, that you'll see that you are not being treated right.. Please think of yourself for a change!!! You really are worth it!!!!!!!! Hang in there OhioGal, & keep us posted.. Good Luck & God Bless YOU

Cattails, you are awesome. I am 57, so is my husband. He has a good job making over $100K a year with money he freely "blows" on purchasing "toys". From guitars, to cars, to guns, to tools, to computers, electronics, etc....whatever his desire is for the moment. He pays cash too. No issues on running up credit cards. But you CAN when you make that kind of money and hardly any bills. For me, I'm now broke unless I can get back into the game & sell some houses. I can't as long as I can't leave my home to show & sell. Plus, while I am NOT making income, my bills pile up. So I have cut back as much as I can. So with his income, we won't qualify for anything free, I am sure.
PLUS his mom gets a GM pension monthly, SS checks, has pretty good bank accounts/savings, owns 2 homes free and clear. Just gave her low mileage car that was spotless (mint) to her daughter, and freely writes out checks to her daughters kids (example: one of her daughters children had a bad debt to pay off, she freely wrote out a check for $1900 to pay it off for him) Another time, John's sister comes over, saying hey mom, I need help paying my car insurance & I need $700 (yep, she freely gets out the check book and writes a check to her). My husband and I do NOT ask for money. SHE needs her money for the day I can no longer take care of her. I am so afraid MIL's daughter will clean her out!! It's wrong. But I can't stop MIL from writing checks or handing out cash to her. What is unfair is this same daughter is unwilling to be the 24/7 caregiver. She is a TAKER!!!
We have been married 9 years & yes, I am questioning my marriage & life with him. I have some definite fears. I am seeing a side of him that I don't think he would be there for me. Forget the marriage vows for sickness & in health, for better or worse. Nope, don't think so in my case.
Yes, he was married 16 years before me, divorced because his ex-wife moved out for another man. She said she was tired of being ignored and he was selfish.
Nope, I didn't see that side of him. He lavished me with gifts, dinners, vacations, attention - but that is all over. So no, he didn't seem selfish to me at all.
BUT now, he won't even consider my feelings. He keeps repeating I promised my mom that I would always be there for her, take care of her, not ever put her in a nursing home. His mom also had given him $30,000 for the downpayment of the home he currently owns & was purchased when married to now ex-wife, as pre-inheritance, so this is why MIL feels this is HER home, not mine. I am the outsider. Plus she gave him $11,000 to pay off a 2nd mortgage which paid off his divorce settlement.
My MIL has given big chunks to daughter all her adult life too - example: down payment on cars, $15,000 for carpet replacement, $15000 for down payment on home (but she bought motorcycle instead), $$$ for other home improvements, etc. MIL has always given her children money & gifts... again, she had a good income & was both mom & dad to her children, since her husband died early.

Thanks, I will be looking into programs for in-home care. And I will try to improve my attitude, watch what I eat to improve my mind and body. I'm a very private person, never lettting anyone know my problems so I can't believe I am allowing my fingers to type all this out for the world to see.
Thank you for taking time to read my frustrations and offer help. I feel so alone. I didn't tell you that I really don't have any friends - I was married 27 years before & left the area because my ex-husband married his 35 yr old biker babe. I wasn't sticking around to watch. It hurt too bad. Then married my now spouse, living in an area that I don't know anyone. My career keeps me so busy I don't have time to socialize, plus a husband who lost a wife due to infidelity, he doesn't want me going out with friends. It's ok. I've got my 3 married boys and grandchildren to fill that spot - except now, they can't come over with the home conditions I have. That makes me so sad, too. Like I have been cut off. Prison sentence for a crime I didn't commit or ask for.
And no, I receive NO compensation for my MIL's care, nor does my spouse offer to help pay my bills. He feels I can leave his mom alone and go do my job - so he gives NO sympathy. He is in denial. I can't leave her alone. She is a risk to herself.Even the doctors tell him that, but he doesn't believe them,

ravensdottir, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, I have my husband go to the doctor's appts & he hears their thoughts. He knows his mom has issues but "that is why he has her living with us", to take care of her. NO- HE is NOT the one taking care of her, I AM!!! I sceam inside.
My husband is in true denial his mother needs constant supervision EVEN after watching her being unable to pour a cup of coffee from coffee pot - scalding her arm, spilling all over floor because she doesn't have strength in one arm. Then she can't balance and walk well, and began sliding on the spilled coffee in floor. Yes, it was an accident. But his mom feels she can do anything. And she reaches to do it again. So what, that her arm got a little burned. It did not faze her at all.

My husband has seen that she can't put time in correctly on microwave to heat meals. He told me to unplug microwave if I can't be there to watch her. He told me to make all her meals now since she lost the ability to cook for herself, telling his mother that she can no longer cook.
Ok, so now MORE work is onto me. When she first came to live with us a year ago, she could still do some things, make breakfast, make lunch, then we all ate dinner together. But she can't do those things now. A lot of it has to do with her frustrations & alzheimer's getting worse.
My husband feels if she falls and gets hurt, it's not our problem. It's life. If she crumbles and falls, life says she goes to hospital & gets fixed. She can fall at a nursing home. She could fall going to a doctor appt. I can't be her pillow.
Oh, here's one. My husband takes her to see a skin doctor over a sore on her nose. He can't find a close parking spot, none available, so he pulls up close to sidewalk, gets his mom out of car, sits her on her walker stool (has a built in seat), leaves her there while he parks car. SHE decides not to wait on him, tries to scoot up the ramp to go on inside, the walker flips over, she falls smacking head onto concrete. We all know that head injuries aren't good. The ambulance comes and runs her to hospital, doctor office not equipped to handle this. She is released after finding out she will be fine, no bad injuries - just cleaned up the blood, no stitches needed. Looked worse than it was.
Again, my husband is in denial. His mom can NOT be left alone. She makes bad decisions.

My MIL will NOT part with her money regarding care. She will quickly give her money away to her daughter and her daughter's children, where both my husband (her son) and I do NOT ask for money, and my husband's 2 daughters do NOT ask or take her money, when offered.
My MIL cries to go back to Florida, to her home, but we can't trust her to do the right thing. She would fire the person who would take FT care of her, or they would quit over her verbal abuse to them plus she throws things (threw her walker at a physical therapist in our home when recovering over her broken thigh bone before). When "trusted" to live at home in Florida, she was told to wear her bracelet at all times, where she could push the button for help. Well, she didn't think she could wear it in the shower, so she took it off. This lady has 2 full bathrooms in her home down there BUT she likes to use her standup shower that is outside her home (I find it weird). She waddles outside to shower there, then goes to leave, falls outside onto her back and she can't get up. Lays there. Broken arm/elbow this time. She was found by a neighbor, checking up on her, where she was taken to hospital. We ended up having her come to Ohio for therapy and rehab. She was trusted to go BACK to Florida again, this time, ordered by doctor to wear that band, a couple months passes, she locks herself out of the house. This is a lady that has mobility/balance issues, when she falls, she breaks - forgets the band is on her arm, proceeds to break into her home by climbing onto things to crawl through a kitchen window, got stuck with behind & legs kicking outside the window, finally wiggled in, falling into sink and countertop, but managing not to break any bones. All she had to do was press that button for help. Nope, can't trust her to do the right thing being so many miles away.

Ohio: Your husband is not in denial. He just doesn't care. If she breaks her neck, then she breaks her neck. Not his problem. Why he thinks this in kinder than putting her in a nursing home or providing in home care for her is beyond me. You are his dumping ground. The problem is you have a conscience and don't want to see her injure herself. As a result, your way of looking at things is in conflict with your husband's.

You husband has a cold way of keeping his word. I think he see things in the extreme. It's black and white. He promised his mom he would never put her in a nursing home. However, he didn't promise he would take care of her. There is a difference and you see it.

He wined and dined you, gave you lovely gifts, but now that you need him he is unavailable. Still, he can do for himself to his heart's content. What do you love about him. What do you see in him that is admirable? Maybe you are just looking at the past and not the present. He made you feel special, but now you know more about him. Ohio, you are special, very special and you don't need someone else to make that real. Trust yourself. You can't live in the past, sweetheart. It's so much better to live in the light and to see things honestly, even if it breaks your heart. You will heal and you will be stronger. Flattery is not love.

It's better to learn this at 57 rather than 67. This really isn't about his mom, it about him. I am praying for you.

Love and so many hugs to you, Cattails.

Zoey, I am just dazed and confused over why this is happening. Why isn't there some sort of treatment to make alzheimers stop in it's tracks. I read, and read, and read some more. Guess I am too concerned over what is best for her, than taking care of what is good for me. That has always been my way of life. Take care of the ones in front of you. Husband, children, pets, work, now MIL. My time will come,later, when I can dream of doing what I want, when I want, how I want. But I guess that is just a fantasy. Not the real world. By the time I reach that point - age will have caught up and who knows, maybe I will be the next alzheimer's patient. And I think about that. I don't want to ever burden my family if this happens to me. It can cause a divorce and ruin lives. No, can't do that to them. So I pray this disease stays out of my life.
My husband is too busy and focused on other areas of his life, that he doesn't make time for his mom, me, his 2 daughters, his granddaughter - most of the time, anyway. It's hard to explain. He hears what he wants to hear. Sees what he wants to see. Example: when we first brought his mom back, to live with us, she could do simple tasks & make/heat things in microwave, she was slow - but when she found out that she wasn't going back to live on her own in Florida, she has been going downhill. No longer can she make oatmeal in the microwave, like she has done for years and should be able to do it in her sleep - she forgets how long to set the time, or doesn't see the time she pushes clear enough, so she can harm herself by the item being in the microwave too long. She can no longer make coffee, because she forgets paper filter, or puts in double water, or doesn't sit it in properly with coffee spilling all over onto floor where she can slip and fall. She has tried to reheat coffee by putting the whole coffee pot in microwave where it has metal on it, with sparks flying inside. That was scary. She says she does this all the time at home. No big deal. Geez. She has tried to use a knife to peel and almost cut her finger off. We have large wooden windows that we prop open with a stick, since they don't stay open on their own - and one day, she decides to climb over his guitars to get to it, not understanding that wooden window will slam down like a guilotine, could chop off her fingers! But his daughter caught her in time - that was so close!! The window could have even slammed down so hard where the glass could have broken all over her. Now, to be safe, windows stay shut with air conditioning on to eliminate that issue. My husband has no sympathy with me, wanting help and assistance. He says his mom is "one tough bird" and has managed to be ok for 90 yrs, and if something happens - it happens. I am NOT expected to stay home to take care of her. He feels I should continue on, leave her home alone and go on real estate appointments that can take hours of time away. BUT I AM expected to make sure she gets all her meals, snacks, pills, shower, clothes washed, home cleaned, etc and told me to get out of real estate where I could have fixed hours, like 9 to 5, she will be fine alone. Where I would have guaranteed wages, instead of real estate where pay days can be far and few inbetween. But wait a minute, if I had that kind of job, I would NOT have the flexibility to come home and fix lunch, make sure she is not doing things she shouldn't, what about doctor appts or days she is sick and needs bed care? Hmmm. I could go on and on. The doctor has even said she can NOT be left alone, due to being a danger to herself and others. She is also under a fall risk. She also can't make good decisions. He is in denial!!!! or maybe he just doesn't care. (Unless it affects HIM). I don't want to get in anger mode. I just want to figure this out on what is truly best for my MIL. She doesn't have that long on earth to live - and she has given so much to her children, it's time for THEM to give back to her. Why I am so prominent in the picture is the fact THEY aren't doing what THEY should be doing. So I am the only one left to carry the task.

Ohiogal, I understand how frustrated you are, and at your wits end, but I also think YOU maybe in denial also. You are so focused on your mother-in-law, that you're missing how messed up your husband is. Just the fact that you both keep your monies separate, is a red flag to me. It seems to me from reading what you've written, that your husband and his mother are cut from the same cloth. They are BOTH selfish, inconsiderate people who are leaning on the narcissistic side in my humble opinion. I am NOT suggesting you divorce this man, but I AM suggesting that you leave him for awhile. He needs time alone with his mother in order to appreciate you more. If you have a friend, or maybe one of your sons that you can go stay with for awhile, DO IT. And I'm talking about maybe a MONTH away, not a few days. Good luck.

Cattails, maybe you are right. Another has told me that as long as I do the same thing, expect the same results. Why should I expect anything different? I am doing everything so he doesn't have to, to see the light - I must let him handle and take care of her, and quit complaining & nagging.
See, when I get so worn and frazzled, I start calling or texting him, saying what is going on. I have even voice recorded her outbursts at me. She has gotten so mad when I am on a real estate call, not paying attention to her, she explodes. Then gets so mad, that at times she is chasing me with her walker doing the stomp walk after me. I have locked myself in my room until she calms down, staying out of reach, but within earshot - listening to where is she now or what is going on .My husband tells me WHY am I bothering him with this. Just ignore her & quit being so upset. I don't understand why doesn't he care about me and what I go through? Why doesn't he care? Why? I keep hanging onto the thoughts of better times ahead. I don't blame him for not wanting to be around me, I don't even want to be around me at this point in my life. I look tired all the time, I can't even fit into my nice clothes anymore, my mood is lousy, I find it hard to laugh, my nose is into reading, or trying to calm my mind by playing internet games on facebook, but now THAT was taken away from me - my laptop started giving me issues, my husband said facebook creates havoc on computers and those games are known to crash systems so I am not allowed to do that anymore OR he will NOT fix my computer, so that is that. I need this computer for my real estate most of all, so now I had to find another outlet to calm my mind. Here I am, I found this website. Now I can't get my fingers to stop writing. Is it doing any good? Yes, I don't like what I see. I guess seeing it in print is giving me a new perspective on my way of life.

Ohio I agree with Nancy. You need to keep going over the same things and just leave him alone with her for a few weeks and find out what it's like. You are a sweet person but you need to stop being a doormat.
He needs compassion and it won't come if you keep doing for his mom. Talking about what you want to happen and not doing something about it isn't helping you. What are you going to do about this? If this goes on for another year, 5 years, 10 years are you going to be here expecting it to change or are you going to make things change?
I vote for you to quietly make arrangements for a good vacation at your kids house or friends' house. Don't threaten don't give an ultimatum just make the arrangements and tell him as you go out the door with a friend as support.

And Ohio, please tell me why this is or isn't a good idea. You need to discuss the change not everything staying the same.

Nancy, Yes - I have family that I could escape to - but that is not an option. I've been told if I go out the door, I won't be coming back. I can't jeopordize being thrown out right now. I've told him once, when I was crying so hard that I can't take it anymore - that I was DONE taking care of her. I QUIT. Bad scene. He said if I quit, then he would have to hire someone to take care of her. So, his mom is unwilling and won't pay for someone, he can't make her pay for someone to watch her, HE is not paying someone to watch her, so if I quit I better find a job that will cover the expense of someone taking care of her. So where does that leave me?
His daughter that lives with us, will NOT take care of her, except will help here and there which is not often. She is a full time college student and works part time. She has told me if I leave, she will leave also - to live with her mom. No way is she taking care of this grandparent and repeatedly says, put her into a nursing facility.
I don't think full time in a nursing home is the right thing to do. She will really die at that point and the guilt I would feel would just eat me up. If my husband would just wake up and face facts, I can't continue doing what I do - 24/7 because my mental state is taking a big hit right now & my health. The migraines, nausea, soreness in my stomach has my doctor telling me to go on anti-depressants and has me on stomach pills morning & night (doubled the dosage), told me to seek counseling then asked me if I had suicidal thoughts. Geez - NO suicidal thoughts. Good grief. And I said no to the anti-depressants, too. I need my thoughts focused and not drugged. I started counseling a week ago, too soon to tell if that is working. And Monday at 4, he has asked my husband to be there too. This will be interesting. Any thoughts?

I think the counselor is the answer for you but you have to understand you won't change your husband. You can only change how you deal with him and his daughter. How do you expect him to react to the counselor? Are you ready for whatever he does? Make sure you keep going to see him/her no matter what he does.

MrsRibit, I can't walk out. His first wife walked out on him after 16 years of marriage, had been cheating on him with a man she worked with. So he has trust issues over that.
If I leave, I can't come back. He gets upset when I try to visit my son & family that is a 3 hr drive away - I can count on one hand how many times I have been to visit them. Since his mom is living with us, that number is now zero! I can't go anywhere for long, without being afraid of what the heck is she doing now? She has gone through my drawers (and now I have a lock on my bedroom door), stolen things from my back office (which now has a lock on the door), has gotten into the medicene cabinet (where I removed all drugs and now locked in my bedroom), gave my dogs things they should not have eaten (so if I am not home I lock them in my office so she can't get to them). She has my one female doberman so afraid of her, that when my MIL starts raising her voice or yelling - that dog runs and hides under my chair shaking. See? even my tough little dobie girl is afraid of her! And my dog has a right to be, she has been hit with a cane by my MIL. My 7 yr old granddaughter is afraid of her, too. And I don't have her over often since she has a low immune system and my MIL is not a clean person (does not wash hands after bathroom visits & even rinses out pads in toliet to re-use them. Gross.). The biggest change I have made is finally listening to my doctor after he told me that they are going to scope my stomach if my stomach issues don't improve over doubling the medicene dosages and I have failed my liver test over too many pain killers. Which is why I entered into counseling. My husband did switch shifts at work, from nights back to days, so that helps, last month. The counselor wants to meet with both my husband and I on Monday at 4 to go over MIL issues. That should be interesting. But the counselor is telling me that he is here to help, not judge. Wants to put us in the right direction as one together and not two people apart. Does that make sense?

It makes sense, but what do you think the counselor means by this? What do you expect from this? from meeting with him with your husband or without him. What is the goal is my question? What is going to happen if your husband doesn't have a duh' moment and keeps doing what he's been doing?
I think you are very compassionate but what would your husband do if you were hospitalized tomorrow and couldn't be there for him and his mom? Would he put her in a NH or would he pay for someone to care for her? He would have to do something. He is treating you like an unpaid caregiver. From everything you've told us here you are not being loved by him you are just there to do what he doesn't want to do.

Yes, I agree. My MIL is one selfish person and does not like me (feels I am the reason she can't do as she pleases in the house and I took away her freedom. If I would just leave, she would have her son to herself and SHE has no problem taking care of him, so she thinks, truly thinks and would absolutely LOVE me to go). My husband is selfish, absolutely. I learned that recently. With an attitude, too. Yes, he is black & white when it comes to reasoning. You are not allowed to disagree & don't even think of going against him OR expect to be blasted. His daughter is selfish. I think it comes with how they were raised so it is handed down from family member to family member. We have been married 9 years now. (Both of us in 2nd marriages). Divorce is ugly. No one wins. I am in no shape to handle a divorce, so what he wants he can get right now. I have no fight in me, no strength for any mental battles. In fact, I am so weakened right now - when voices get raised and arguements start - I get sick. I have to lay down and get away from it. Once a migraine sets in - I am worthless. And I can't be bedridden or throwing up with the craziness in my house from MIL. The things she does boggles the mind. Honestly, I can write for hours about her and the antics she has done. Nothing surprises me anymore. I have to stay a step ahead of her. I am having stomach issues tonight from writing all of this. I can't get the stomach acid to stop coming up in my throat. My doctor has me on one in the morning, one at night, but I can take 2 at night if really upset. Which I did. Not working.

My goal to get from counseling is to find avenues of help. Number One: Is there a way to get a physical therapist in the home 2 to 3x a week, to assist in getting her mobility strenghtened, make her use muscles to strengthen the arm full of medal from several falls/surgeries, and her legs from 2 hip surgeries. She has Medicare & supplemental blue cross/blue shield. Her first husband was a veteran that served in World War II. But I don't think she qualifies for any surviving spouse benefits since he died and she remarried, even though she realized it was a mistake and divorced quickly. I would like to find out if our state offers any benefits for seniors with alzheimer's, but I don't know where to go. I would like to find a way to have someone in the home with nursing skills from 10 til 4pm, to give me peace of mind so I can work again, on a full time basis. I would like my husband to acknowledge his mother is OLD and NOT in a good frame of MIND. Can't be left alone. Needs full time care. I can't communicate with someone that doesn't listen. I am hoping this counselor can approach my husband in a different direction that will work, understand his mom needs professional care. I can't continue. My husband has even questioned me over things I have declared his mother did, example. Mom says, I haven't had anything to eat since my oatmeal. I'm so hungry. Husband looks at me, I hope this isn't true and you are telling me the truth. You really did give her lunch, right? His doubting me is a huge slap in the face. It hurts so bad. To believe this alzheimer lady over his wife who sacrifices daily for this uncaring, nasty woman???? I break down and cry. I can't get angry and throw a fit like most women would, instead - I try to hold it in, one day I couldn't stop the tears for half a day & ended up with a migraine lasting for 5 days. The medicene didn't work - and I was ready to go to hospital, but I was finally able to sort out feelings and stay calm enough to settle it down. My husband feels I am "laying it on" just to get rid of his mom. Then here it comes again, deep hurt inside - not understanding why does he want to hurt me like this? After all I do?

Ohio, I don't understand why you can't go 'visit' your sons and their families for awhile. I don't understand why it has to be you walking out on your husband, and NOT just visiting. I don't understand why you buckle under when you told your husband that 'you weren't going to do it anymore' and he starts griping about having to actually pay a stranger to take care of his mother, so you automatically just ignore what YOU think, and become a robot. From an outsiders perspective, you have completely given up whatever feelings and thoughts you have had, IF they differ from his. The very thing that he's worried about, you leaving him, is exactly what is going to happen when he keeps choosing his mother over his marriage. Which is exactly what he is doing.

Ohio: I so hope your husband says all the things to the counselor he says to you. Let me see if I get this straight. It's kind of like a math equation. A. You husband says that his mom, who has plenty of money, refuses to pay for in home care. B. Your husband who makes over $100,000.00 a year and doesn't come home after work and spends tons of money on himself, says that he refuses to pay for in-home care for his mom. 3. This equals if you get a full time job and don't take care of is mom, your income must go to covering the cost of his mom's in home care. I'm not a physics major, but this is voodoo math.

Here's how it should be: A. Your MIL who has plenty of money refuses to hire in home help. B. Your husband who makes over $100,000.00 a year, who doesn't come home after work and spends lots of money on himself, refuses to pay for in-home help for his mom. C. You should get a job or focus on your real estate career so you can support yourself, since your husband won't help your financially. D. His mother is not your responsibility.

There is absolutely no reason that his daughter should have to be grandmother's care giver either. It's reasonable to expect her to be part of the family and do things when she is home, but she has a life too and she is a full time student with a part time job. You can't put this on her back and she is smart enough to know that you are holding down the fort. That's why she will leave if you do.

Your husband has you in the palm of his very unkind hand. He tells you if you leave you can't come back. Why would you want too. He tells you if you "quit", excuse me are you his slave or his wife, that it will cost him money to cover his mom's care; care that he says she doesn't need. Still, while you are taking care of his mom full time, he won't make your car payment. The only slacker allowed in his world is him.

Sometimes we marry people for reasons that make us feel good about ourselves. If we think our husband adores us, then we hope we are adorable and we want to hold on to that validation. It comes from a need in us to feel worthy. The truth is, only we can make ourselves truly worthy. It comes from a belief in ourselves and not from outside sources.

Sometimes, if we have had a failed marriage and are in a second marriage that is not working, we would rather live in a mistake than admit that we have made a bad choice. We think it is all about our failings and in some way that is true. Maybe we don't make the best choices. That doesn't mean that we are not good people and deserving of support and love, it just means we didn't pick the person who is going to give it to us.

I can remember times in my life when I just could not understand why someone else, my first husband, could not appreciate what I was saying. It was so obvious, but he would not acknowledge my feelings or thoughts in any way. I kept thinking that the fault was mine. I'm just not explaining it clearly. So I would try again and again.

At the time, I thought the only option was to leave. He refused counseling and he was very disrespectful and unkind to me. So I left. In retrospect, I see now that I had two choices. Live my life the way I wanted and he could follow me. He would bitch and grumble, but he might just respect me and adjust. Or I could leave. I didn't realize that I had the power to just say no, I'm not going to leave you, but I am going to do it this way. I thought I needed his permission. I didn't. You have a right to live your life the way you want to and you don't need to convince him or get his permission. Just live your life. Go to work, come home. Go to work, come home. His mom is not your problem. Leave the mess in the kitchen and on the floors. Lock your bedroom and create a space for yourself. Be supportive of what he feels he needs to do to take care of her, but taking care of her is not your job nor is it your financial responsibility.

I hope counseling works for you, but be prepared for a long road. I agree with mrsribit, don't stop going no matter what he does. This is about your life, not just your marriage.

There's an old book called, "The Dance of Anger" by Dr. Harriet Lerner. It is a classic in changing the dynamics of a marriage. You are a reader, so take time to get this book and read it. It's not about changing your husband, it's about becoming who you really are and that will change your husband. Please give it a read.

By the way, I've been married 40 years next March. I'm not going to tell you all 40 years were amazing, but I am going to say that I love having the opportunity to be who I am; warts, flaws and all and know that I am loved. Best of all, I am grateful that I can accept myself for trying my best, even when it may not live up to my perfectionist standards. I'm still good enough and so are you.

Ohio: You said you are a private person and don't usually share so much about yourself. I'm glad you are here and getting the support you deserve. Keep talking and keep posting.

I'm wishing the best for you. Cattails

Actually, I wonder what "would" happen, if at the counselor's office I brought up I would like a week to visit my son & family. I miss them terribly, which I do. I have 2 sons that are married with children that live 3 hours from me, both in the same city. But I don't know if I could, without worrying myself sick inside, over the house, my things and the dogs, bills, my job.
What I really need is to get away for a day, like go to a spa, where I can gather my thoughts, be pampered a little, figure out how to see my children more without causing issues with my husband and figure out how to get my life back.
My husband never said "HE" would pay for anyone to care for his mom, he said "I" would have to figure out how to pay for it. My mind was blown at that point, me go to work to pay someone to care for his mom, no way I thought, but now - maybe it would be worth it, so I can have my life back??
Yes, I feel worthless, unattractive, looking forward to sleeping at night, where I have control of my thoughts & dreams where no one tells me what to do or how to do it. My mind often races - where I don't get good quality sleep while other times I don't want to wake up. It's my only outlet. Yep, I am pretty much a robot being controlled. Never thought of it that way. But that is the truth. Wow. That hurts.
Too tired now to write anymore. Going to sleep now. It's been a pretty quiet day except when his mom decided to make some goofy calls on the phone to her old neighbor in Florida. Then she made more goofy calls to her daughter who is on vacation right now. Then called my husband on the phone, when I was in the same room, asking him to come inside to give her an anxiety pill because she was starting to get the shakes after talking to her Florida next door neighbor, which always upsets her, making her want to return there. Then she decided to lash out at me, telling me mind my own business. What the heck? I had not done a thing to her? Then tells me "you can't sell houses because you have no personality". What? She wants to pick a fight and I am not going to play into it. But she doesn't stop. I finally distract her with food - works most of the time! Hooray.
She also is good at playing son against daughter, telling one something and the other something else to get them mad at each other. I caught on fast to that game, but I am around her more than anyone else. My husband didn't believe me, neither did my sister-in-law. But a couple weeks ago, it finally happened. His sister came over to visit. MIL told her daughter that she could have her Florida car. MIL had been telling my husband to keep her Florida car hidden in the garage because she didn't want her daughter to know it was up here. If daughter knew it was here, she would want it. MILs' daughter comes over, announces that she is taking the car. My husband in shock, because he had offered to pay his mom $7500 for it, because HIS daughter could use a car - but no, MIL gives it freely to her daughter. No strings attached, after we have kept the car hidden, in the garage, storing it all this time. More things came out. Like MIL had us change the locks on her condo here, to keep daughter (hubby's sis) out of it, because she had been taking things out of it. Yep, daughter had. BUT she claims she had mom's permission to do so. MIL is good at games, loves to stir up trouble. But with both of them together, right in front of her, both asking what is the truth here. Yep, they learned then that good ole' mom had played them both. And had been for some time. Too many years of watching soap operas.

Ohio: Let me offer one more thing I learned in counseling years ago. Usually the person who is so strident about issues, like your husband is, often cave when the rubber meets the road. They are big on telling you that if you leave you can't come back, etc. Be true to yourself. You can still be true to your husband. Your not cheating on him by visiting your children and grandchildren. Don't allow his insecurities to keep you locked up. You go visit your children, you come home. You go to work, you come home. Be who you are!!!!!!!!! It may give him a sense of security. Maybe he is keeping your tied up and broke because he is afraid you will leave him. It's sick, but all you can do is be honest and clear. Take charge of your life and be supportive of his support and care for his mom. You can sympathize, but you can't be the slave. Read the Dance of Anger book.

Have your husband accompany YOU on a visit to YOUR doctor about YOUR health! You both need to appreciate what this is doing to you, bless your heart!
Time to bring in Aging Services for all your sakes.

I'm glad to hear you have a counselor, but they are may just have to "judge" at some point whether they like it or not. Re-read this statement and tell me what you would write to someone else who wrote it: "If I leave, I can't come back. He gets upset when I try to visit my son & family that is a 3 hr drive away - I can count on one hand how many times I have been to visit them." You would tell them they are an abused spouse, kept in the situation by emotional blackmail and threats. You are being emotionally and financially abused, and isolated. You are very likely to be physically abused by MIL soon, as she has no judgement or insight left, but is just mobile enough and angry enough to do it.

Do you have an option to get your doctor to write that you need a respite from caregiving because of the medical need to relieve the extreme stress that is endangering your health? You are not "leaving" then, you are getting a medically mecessary respite. Depression tends to make you think you are not worth the effort or deserving of help or a break. Well, you are.

Now. I am NOT saying "end your marriage" because you are also pointing out that hubby has reedeming qualites and may even care about you and just be having his head in the sand about his mom's condition, which is not reversible, and about what he can expect another human being, even a devoted and dedicated wife, to put up with. You cannot make him see the light, he has to decide to do that when faced with facts. He may decide to keep abusing you and milking you for all you're worth for as long as possible...or he may open his eyes and see what a wreck you and your once happier home have become because of his decisions and refusals to see the obvious, and decide that he wants you well and he wants a future with you instead. Though you are saying, "I'm holding out for better times ahead" that may not be realistic; it could be years before MIL passes on, and your health could fail permanently or even fatally for you. And will you really be able to either fully forgive or hold the anger inside forever when its all over and you have to try to pick up the pieces, recover, restore your home, and find that you can't really get those years back or reverse all the harm that has been done? I will even pray that you can become as one again and pull through, but relaize the outcome it depends on the decisions that your husband makes and my experience is that God does not take the free will of people away and force them to make the loving decisions however desperately you may need them to. Mine did and we are still together about 15 years now after I had to get kids out of the house and stay with friends for a couple weeks. Our pastor helped, as did a change in husband's medication that he was not willing to look into until it was almost too late. I had to begin considering plans for the alternative though. But you are clearly a strong, tough person, and there are worse things than ending up broke and living with other family members until you can get on your feet again - staying in your current situation wihtout SUBSTANTIAL change and relief strikes me as one of them.

MIL is without doubt in need of full time care and supervision. Assisted living for her would make perfect sense, and it is probably going to be better for her as well as for you. If you choose to keep her at home there must be help and respite built in. I work at a children's hospital and we do not even permit a solo caregiver to be responsible for a child needing full-time medical care, even if they don't have constant 1:1 behavioral supervision needs. Geriatric evaluation for her and documentation of her incapacity might help; whether you are there or not, someone needs POA and/or guardianship. DO NOT let hubby downplay the condition of MIL, just because she recogiznes familiar people or is partially oriented; I've seen that be a factor. All dementia is not Alzheimer's, it may be vascular or other causes, and the pattern is usually to lose insight and judgement, continence, and maybe short-term memory before losing basic orientation or long-term memory. I hope this helps and you have touched a lot of us on here with the story of your family's suffering...some day soon I hope you are writing not only to seek help but to give it, because it will be very healing and helpful to share what you've been through with others in similar situations.

Ohiogal,I'm not good at it to give you any advice for you...but those caregivers friends on this post has so many good advicese for you!!! Bottom of line is you should make your decision which ways your life should and want be.. you are not his families slave....also you never said your husband is abusive at all, but what I think is mentally he is abusing you.. I'm sorry my written is so blant and poor. One more thing I want say " yes we can teach old dog new tricks, too" take care of yourself!!!!