Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
Good for you for standing on your grounds! Your MIL is scary, very scary! I thought my mom was bad, she's much, much worse! You take care! And Be Careful, very Careful while in the same house with MIL.
Instead, he chose to keep you down, deprive his mom of needed assistance and to punish you financially at the same time.
Do what you have to do to give yourself a fair start. Leave him a note and tell him what you have done so he knows right away what he needs to cover. Tell him what you expect to have in a marriage and how he fallen way short. Make sure he understands there in no reason to talk if he can not admit that he has failed you and will do better in the future. No if, ands, or buts. This is where the rubber meets the road. I'm sure you can find a way to explain how much it would mean to you to have someone do as much for you and you have done for him. Squeeze it in, but make the bottom line very clear.
You are an awesome loving person. We all love you and want you to be treated fairly and with genuine love. You deserve nothing less.
Hugs, Cattails
No matter how you do it I see a great life for you ahead and family gatherings with your kids and grandkids all over you!
Have you ever considered how ridiculous it is to have to take photos of what you do during the day, just so your husband will believe you. I'm glad you are doing it, but that your word isn't enough, is just beyond my understanding.
Listen, there may only be enough money in the joint account to pay bills, but if you take that money and leave him a note, he will use his stash to replace it so he can pay the house payment, etc. Consider it compensation for caring for him mom and just a little bit towards a settlement of joint assets.
You might want to take photos of his various cash stashes or even help yourself to some because he has probably stashed more in a private bank account that you don't know about and will have no ability to prove he has in the event of a divorce. So don't be so noble. You have to live too and get on your feet.
I know this is hard for you, but you are doing the right thing getting your valuables out and making a plan.
I can't tell you how relieved I am that you are taking action on your behalf. If you and your husband can work things out in the future, that's fine, but he has to realize that you have every right to define what is acceptable to you in the way you live. Don't settle for less than what you know in your heart is right. You do know what is right and it's been missing for a long time.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
I don't want to bring anyone down here, I have brought this on myself and will figure out what to do, trying to cover all bases. I still love my husband with all my heart, still don't understand why he doesn't love me the same way anymore, I will always care about his family, whether I am married or not, I would still like to work things out. But now have stronger faith IF he goes 2nd shift and continues to shut me off and not help with his MIL - I want more out of life that this. I feel like I am slowing dying, my life sucks. How can he deny his mom needs more help than I can provide. Banging my head now on wall. She has started a new one at me - did I mention that she is hiding knives in her room? Also making faces at me where she puts her hands, thumbs in ears, like na-na-na-na -na??? Saying lulalulalula? What the heck! 2yr old tantrums now.
I already have my own bank account that I use for real estate (that was my excuse after I was thrown out of house that time, never ever will I allow myself to be so darn helpless again) and a PO box in place if I need somewhere for bills and checks to go that has been established now for 5 years. My jewelry has been stored off home site since then, so not here for him to take like he did his ex.
I am boxing up my longberger baskets to put in storage. They have been in the basement, which bothers me - but this will be good to get them away. I have about 100 of them, collected them during my earlier marriage.
My photo albums are being boxed up tomorrow, going to my son's home for safe keeping.
All that is left will be my furniture, real estate office/equipment, videos' & all my kitchen things. I have already packed up my tupperware - I did a hit and run from my first marriage, had everything packed and gone in 3 hours. I can do that again. I haven't wanted to think this way, but after finding knives now in her room, knowing she hates me, with a husband declaring to go on 2nd shift, not being able to work and make money, I quit.
It's his loss and he will come to understand that. You need to look out for yourself now. Give him the information you have gathered regarding his mom's care and tell him you are going to visit your children.
When he pitches a fit and tells you that you can't come back, tell him yes you can and the police will be by your side. Let him know that you have demands too and if he wants the marriage to work, he's going to have to meet your demands.
Tell him this is the real world and he's not a little prince.
Ok, I've vented. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs. You are a star and don't you forget it.
Love, Cattails.
You have taken his uncontrollable child and brought her up to a new level. If she continued to live with you, it wouldn't be fun, but you would not be the one to give up. Same with his mom.
Your little prince needs a big attitude adjustment. That he would chose to go to 2nd shift because he doesn't like the group meetings is pathetic. Think about what you do everyday.
He is his own worst enemy. He pushed you out the door one cold winter night because you, the little princess, went shopping for a winter coat. And when you walked down the driveway and away from the home, he got in the car and came after you.
This 2nd shit crap should be a deal breaker. Give him all the information you have gathered for help with his mom and wish him well. Call his bluff and lay out your demands. You take the lead and tell him what it is going to take for you to stay. If he doesn't care then that's your answer. My guess is he will be driving up the road chasing you to where ever you have gone and trying to get you back.
Make a decision. Step some ground rules. Either he follows them or you leave. I hope you can say this with some certainty that you are right, because you are.
My heart goes out to you. Your hubby needs to get his head out of his ass and he may not do that until he is forced to see reality.
Love and many hugs to you. We are all on your side and greatly respect you.
Cattails.
Why do I even try to fix this relationship?
My life was pure hell with THAT shift! I might as well be a single parent to his mom. Example: his shift is from 2:30 to 10:30 BUT that shift gets the most overtime, so he worked any and all hours, usually 12 hr shifts, so he got off at 2:30 am, getting home around 3-3:30am. Not always would he go to bed, sometimes staying up another hour on the computer. Didn't care that he woke me up everytime he came into the bedroom, light sleeper here and it takes me a long time to go back to sleep. He, on the other hand, has no problem in sleeping in until 11am. Then showers, eats breakfast, checks emails, then leaves for work around 1:30 or 1:45pm. That gave absolutely NO TIME to help with his mom PLUS I had no one to watch her in the afternoon so I could show homes.
Which cost me major dollars lost in income.
I also could not do anything at all in the evening, except sit here. When I wanted to have a night out to go to the movies with a couple friends from work, he didn't like it, even when I had his daughter here to cover babysitting detail.
I think he is doing this because I have him doing more care help with his mom.
He really doesn't care about my feelings if he does this. Why be married?
Believe and Have Faith
Written by moonstone722 (marcee) on 6/26/2012 2:58 PM
Whenever I tell my husband I don’t believe I can do something, he tells me I don’t have to believe it. Just believe in him because he believes in me. He tells me to believe in the one who believes in me.
Over this past week there have been so many people who are discouraged with their participation in their program. Some want to quit and others are determined work the program. Some years ago I read this article and wanted to share it with you.
5 Reasons to Believe in Yourself (Article by Carolyn Jelango)
Sometimes people will ignite your passion for achievement by believing, championing and supporting you. But then a time comes in the journey of life, when you have to rise to the occasion and face the challenges of life on your own.
It is therefore important to believe in yourself and in your capacity to
perform to the best of your ability. When faced with any situation, always
believe in yourself because:
1. No one else will.
If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to
believe you? How can you convince anyone if you can’t convince yourself? Your self-confidence and esteem stem from a strong belief in who you are and what you stand for. It is important to remember that you are your number one
supporter and fan.
2. You owe it to yourself.
Do yourself a favor. The best thing that you can do for yourself and have no regrets about is to pamper yourself by believing in yourself. It's a great feeling to have affirmative thoughts about yourself. Believing in yourself is a ‘yes’ thought which goes a long way to accelerate positive progress in your life. You are your own best friend; expect good things for yourself.
3. Life is what you make it.
Believing that you can make it happen for yourself is an important step
towards making a life that you like. You must believe that you can do it and
that you will succeed.
Napoleon Hill rightly said that it takes a person half their lives to discover that life is a do it yourself project. A lot of the decisions you make and things you do depend upon you; so arm yourself with self-belief, make the right choices and make it happen.
4. You have dreams and aspirations.
Do you have dreams and aspirations? What will happen to them if you don’t believe in yourself and in your capacity to fulfill them?
If you have a passion to fulfill your dreams and aspirations, don’t allow them go to waste just because you don’t believe in yourself. Within each person there lies an intrinsic ability to turn situations around if only they believe.
5. Others are watching and waiting to applaud you.
It’s amazing how you gain respect in the eyes of others when you achieve
something that you truly desire. You become an inspiration to others who may have been looking up to you, as you believed in yourself and in your ability to make things happen.
So, for those of us who don’t believe they can do this, who don’t believe they can reclaim their lives, or whose belief is shaky right now, I believe in you. I believe in myself, and (in case it did not register), I believe in YOU!
Lisa, I had always wanted to do volunteer work since I was a teenager. For Years, it was one of my "to do" list in life. Howver, after experiencing it first hand every day for Years, that is one item I threw out. People say it's different when you caregive to non-family member. I think my problem is I no longer have patience. But, I think it's great that you want to volunteer. Go for it! I think you will learn A LOT of first hand experience that will definitely come in handy when MIL is at that stage. You won't be learning piecemeal nuggets of great ideas like we did.
I don't know if MIL is alert enough to make an informed decision but would you want to have someone do CPR on you if there was a good chance of broken bones or being on life support? Think it through, talk to the doctor if you need more info. You will probably want to decide what you want for yourself too. You want to make the decision before you lose the ability to decide.
OMG - yes, my husband and I are 100% total opposites when it comes to personality traits. But we have so many common interests - my life has been fun, for most of the time. He is loud - I am quiet. He speaks without thinking - I have to think before I talk, wanting to say the right words instead of blurting out. He uses his hands when he talks with gestures - I usually quietly stand, with one hand on table the other holding something. Now that brings up something that is a strange habit of mine. I am almost always holding something! A book, a towel, a piece of paper, my cell phone, hardly ever am I walking around with NOTHING in my hand or under my arm. Why on earth am I thinking about that now? It's late and I am tired. Maybe that's why.
Ok, I continue. He has blonde hair, mine is dark brown. He is short. I am tall. He has blue eyes. Mine are green. He makes fast quick decisions usually saying no first. I have to think before making a decision, usually saying let me see or let me think about that first. He can lash out and call names, pure anger. Then forget it ever happened just as fast as it started. I can't forget, it lingers on for days. Not that I am holding a grudge, but hanging on to guilt wondering what did I do wrong to bring this on . That's another thing, why do I feel it's always my fault? Ok, getting way off subject - I try to stay so positive in my negative world. He is NOT a positive person, like myself. He is negative to me. Always. Like, why on earth are you doing that? We are both educated with college & degrees. In fact, I can brag here, I carry a 4.0 for my paralegal degree - well, almost finished it. Two required classes to go. I was working full time and going to school evenings, plus raising a family. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to try another field of work. It sounded like it paid well. I've been wanting to go back and finish.
Ok, stopping now. Good night everyone - let's see what tomorrow throws my way - and it better be roses, not thorns!!
If the loved one likes to feel in charge and making choices contributes to that, then make the choices simple. Don't say, "what do you want to wear today?" but say, "Would you like to wear your nice red sweater or the cute blue one?"
Do NOT give a choice unless you are prepared to accept their answer. If you say "Do you want to take a bath?" then be prepared to respect the answer "No." Don't pretend to give them a choice and then not respect the choice they make.
Too many choices are overwhelming. "Would you rather watch television, or take a nap, or should we go for a walk?" is waaaay too much to process. "Should I help you find something on tv?" is enough to have to decide at once. And some days it is too much. "I'm going to turn the baseball game on now," might be quite enough. And then watch whether that seems to be pleasig them.
Are you afraid of coming across as too bossy? That is kind of you, but, really, reducing the amount of mental processing your MIL has to do just to get through the day is a kindness. "Breakfast is ready now" is not bossy. It is helpful. You'll say it cheerfully and matter-of-factly and it wouldn't seem bossy at all.
If you want to help her exercise her mind, work a simple crossword or jigsaw puzzle with her. Don't make her jump through mental hoops just to get dressed or groomed or fed! Doing a little puzzle can be fun. Figuring out what to wear and when to eat and whether to take a walk can just be burdensome.
But, try it for yourself and see how it works for you!