Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
And I have no money to squirrel away yet, too many debts. But I am climbing out of that hole, too.
Yes, I would love to find a counselor for support and wisdom - but no one can help me until this rollar coaster of MIL is settled down. The fighting now and bickering is bad between brother and sister. My MIL is being brainwashed currently by my husband's sister - telling her that "we" are "greedy", wanting to take over all her money and possessions to do with as we please, not allowing her to have any say on life. Makes us sound like horrible demons! Then bad mouths other relatives about the situation. Is it really bad to want some normalcy in our life? To have mil in a part time nursing facility Monday - Friday 8 to 4 or 5 daily? It's cheaper than having in home health care ... but no, seems like "free babysitting service by me" is what everyone wants. Not happening anymore. Ok, writing a book again - I don't want to rant on. Solves nothing. I don't know how families cope with this. There has to millions like us, dealing with elderly issues such as this. Why can't it be easier?
"No one can take advantage of you without your permission".
My heart goes out to you! I know how that feels! I might have some advice for you--will send that via hugs to you.
It is based on hard lessons I lived thru to tell the tales.
Some or all of it might be useful for you, too.
Being Proactive in one's own care and defense, really helps.
The hurt will be with you.
But you will reach a point when you think, "maybe I was just too over-emotional, maybe things could get better between us, maybe...etc."
When you start thinking those thots, STOP!
Get a GRIP! Those things DID happen, and, you yourself are the only one you can directly change.
AS YOU change, others around you will also start changing--good, bad, or indifferent, simply because they can no longer be the same when you are different.
You have made some viable plans so far.
There are other things you can also do, to pave your path more smoothly.
Believe, me, most of us who have spilled our guts here, have been thru the wringers, and have damaged self esteem, damaged emotions, PTSD, etc. disorders to deal with in the aftermath.
You are in a good, strong boat, hanging out here!
If nothing else, it is healthy to have a place to dump to;
getting helpful suggestions and knowing others have been thru it and lived and healed, is icing on cake!
Give yourself generous time to heal--and when you THINK you are healed, stuff can still come up again--so more work is needed to heal that again.
These adventures are now part of your history, not your present.
That Mom is now in SIL's house, means she is NOT in YOURS!
LET her have her! It means you no longer have that burden.
The circumstances it took to get her out, may not be over, but they really are--she's outta there!
And you have a PLAN.
I call that GOOD!
Keep doing what you need to be doing for you.
Yep--that kinda seems to cinch it.
He would do one of a few things....
----IF he FAILS to take any notice of you making changes he can see, like your hair, new clothes, that you are starting to fix yourself up more again, he is hopelessly lost.
It is possible that he thinks you spend the nights in other sleeping areas, an attempt to make sure he gets plenty sleep, and that is somehow supportive of his weird work hours--rotating shifts are killer bad news for anyone's behaviors and overall health!
----MAYBE he is slow on the uptake
---if you keep consistently working to fix yourself up, it might take some time before he takes note. IF/ WHEN he does, he will do/say things that express his fear of losing you, like, suspicion that you are going out on him--make sure you are loyally keeping your behaviors above board
--ALWAYS make sure you are totally irreproachable, until after any legal proceedings for divorce are final.
--Be prepared for potential reversal of his behaviors:
It is entirely possible [it has happened for others],
that as you take better and better care of yourself, fix you up, do things that bring you a Joyful heart, etc., that he will once again fall in love with the person he married.
ONLY by keeping circumspect at all times, you then have the option to work on repairing relationships, or splitting.
---Even if you cannot venison that right now.
[[yep--there are quite a number of times I felt like dumping mine--yet something seemed to keep me going, and stick with it--and here we still are, over 40 years later, and my DH is FINALLY getting the professional help he needed way back then--still not a bed of roses, but, hey!]]
Definition of NPD:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.
~ Mayo Clinic Staff
Absolutely I am NOT and NEVER will be a "player/cheater". Nope, not my character. I don't need a man, my intention is to take care of myself and I don't need another man in my life. I want my intentions to be focused on my family, church, and career. I was married before 27 years. Divorced. Almost married this time 10 years (May 2013).
My parents will be needing me in care taking, but I can't imagine them ever being mean and ugly. I could be wrong. My father was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. My mother just lost her eye sight in one eye due to macular degeneration. She fears losing the sight in her other eye. She is depressed over not being able to see like she could before, can't put thread in a needle, can't read like before, can't quilt making her perfect stitches. Little things, but I remind her that she should be so thankful that her health is great in so many other ways.
I have 3 sons, 4 grandchildren. I miss being active in their lives due to being tied down to this MIL and husband. Complicated.
Just getting out of the house, doing things, makes me smile again. But it was hard at first - feeling guilty. Long story.
Thanks for your wise, wise words of wisdom.
Yep--we might have walked some similar paths alright!
I have had what some might call "have an interesting life" curse placed on me long ago--perhaps, that was the dysfunctional programming blessed upon us kids by Mom...who is still perpetrating and manipulating--only now, in a different sibling's house. Hard to get clear of.
And had some education along the way too, to help with all that experience in "interesting life".
Unbalanced people can really mess us up, if we do not understand how we got into the mess, and what they are about, and what ourselves are about.
Keep working at your life, recreating your beautiful self, reconstructing and helping yourself "rise from the ashes", to join the other phoenix birds rising!
Baby steps, yes. They get easier as time and practice allow.
BTW--I was trying to be as charitable as possible in the descriptions of what his motivations might be ;-P...not necessarily that that part matched him.
But that description might help someone else later.
People who treat others badly, are very broken and hurting inside themselves--usually, totally unable to admit it.
HOW they act-out, and whether they are at any time willing to accept, acknowledge, and try to correct, their own messes, will determine whether their partner will be able, if at all, to work at fixing the relationship.
I like to keep bridges intact, if at all possible.
Sometimes, there is nothing for it but to burn that bridge, though.
{{{hugs!}}}
Keep us posted!
MIL was admitted Tuesday of last week and still there. Blood Pressure is all over the place, but at least not in the 200s anymore. Then they found out her enzymes are low, so she is getting iv treatment and injections. We have been over there to see her, but the sister never leaves MIL's side, like we are going to do something? Whatever.
She's still in hospital today, looking pretty good though. Our guardianship court date was moved to Oct 9th. Sister vs Brother - who is going to win?
Anyone's guess. I just wish I knew where this was all going to end up. Tired of the waiting and games his sister plays. She has totally convinced my MIL that we are out to get her. We are greedy. She is better off staying with daughter, not us.
Ok, ranting now - so I stop.
Thanks to everyone, keeping me positive. Since I don't have MIL to care for, and she was in the hospital in good hands, I went to the other side of the state to visit my children. I was able to see my granddaughter perform in the band for halftime (football game), share my youngest grandson's birthday (turned 6) plus I stayed another day with him, went horseback riding, out to eat, pumpkin picking from garden, shopping for the perfect birthday present, then was able to see granddaughter again, before the homecoming dance. So much fun. I needed that. To be with them, out of here.
Sending you continued courage. Cattails
Kinda wondering what the deal is,
why not to just allow the sister to have her?
IF your "DH" gets her back, does that mean he gets her back into the house,
or, does it mean he gets POA?
I do not think I would worry about it, particularly--sounds like a sibling squabble.
Besides, there is a THIRD possibility, which neither of them may have thot of so far
--and that is, in the case of contentious siblings, a non-family custodian can be designated to take care of MIL's affairs...leaving both siblings out of that loop!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I bet you are setting up contacts with in-home health care workers to cover for you, just in case he brings MIL back into your house...!! ;-P
Your time away sounds kinda idyllic!
You sure needed that [and deserved that]!
{{hugs!}}
SO glad you went for that!
On Sept 12th, my sister in law took my MIL from us, saying she is going to stop/block the guardianship (but she lied to MIL, took her money for an attorney to yes, block us, but put herself as the guardian instead). This has been an interesting couple months. It didn't even take a full week and MIL was entered into hospital for 5 or 6 days. Since being released, her blood pressure is sky high, at times 200+ over 100, I truly feel she is going to die before all the guardianship hoops are finished. We have had 2 court appearances/hearings, with a couple postponements (once because of sister in law, the other from the judge). We still are in waiting for a decision from the judge while MIL is still with sister in law. Because we have our freedom from MIL, my husband has taken me on 2 vacations, had a really really nice time, too. And he has made plans for another 2 week vacation from Christmas to New Year's week to Orlando Florida. Am I nuts to be happy?