Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
It's his loss and he will come to understand that. You need to look out for yourself now. Give him the information you have gathered regarding his mom's care and tell him you are going to visit your children.
When he pitches a fit and tells you that you can't come back, tell him yes you can and the police will be by your side. Let him know that you have demands too and if he wants the marriage to work, he's going to have to meet your demands.
Tell him this is the real world and he's not a little prince.
Ok, I've vented. I'm sending you lots of love and hugs. You are a star and don't you forget it.
Love, Cattails.
I already have my own bank account that I use for real estate (that was my excuse after I was thrown out of house that time, never ever will I allow myself to be so darn helpless again) and a PO box in place if I need somewhere for bills and checks to go that has been established now for 5 years. My jewelry has been stored off home site since then, so not here for him to take like he did his ex.
I am boxing up my longberger baskets to put in storage. They have been in the basement, which bothers me - but this will be good to get them away. I have about 100 of them, collected them during my earlier marriage.
My photo albums are being boxed up tomorrow, going to my son's home for safe keeping.
All that is left will be my furniture, real estate office/equipment, videos' & all my kitchen things. I have already packed up my tupperware - I did a hit and run from my first marriage, had everything packed and gone in 3 hours. I can do that again. I haven't wanted to think this way, but after finding knives now in her room, knowing she hates me, with a husband declaring to go on 2nd shift, not being able to work and make money, I quit.
I don't want to bring anyone down here, I have brought this on myself and will figure out what to do, trying to cover all bases. I still love my husband with all my heart, still don't understand why he doesn't love me the same way anymore, I will always care about his family, whether I am married or not, I would still like to work things out. But now have stronger faith IF he goes 2nd shift and continues to shut me off and not help with his MIL - I want more out of life that this. I feel like I am slowing dying, my life sucks. How can he deny his mom needs more help than I can provide. Banging my head now on wall. She has started a new one at me - did I mention that she is hiding knives in her room? Also making faces at me where she puts her hands, thumbs in ears, like na-na-na-na -na??? Saying lulalulalula? What the heck! 2yr old tantrums now.
Have you ever considered how ridiculous it is to have to take photos of what you do during the day, just so your husband will believe you. I'm glad you are doing it, but that your word isn't enough, is just beyond my understanding.
Listen, there may only be enough money in the joint account to pay bills, but if you take that money and leave him a note, he will use his stash to replace it so he can pay the house payment, etc. Consider it compensation for caring for him mom and just a little bit towards a settlement of joint assets.
You might want to take photos of his various cash stashes or even help yourself to some because he has probably stashed more in a private bank account that you don't know about and will have no ability to prove he has in the event of a divorce. So don't be so noble. You have to live too and get on your feet.
I know this is hard for you, but you are doing the right thing getting your valuables out and making a plan.
I can't tell you how relieved I am that you are taking action on your behalf. If you and your husband can work things out in the future, that's fine, but he has to realize that you have every right to define what is acceptable to you in the way you live. Don't settle for less than what you know in your heart is right. You do know what is right and it's been missing for a long time.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
No matter how you do it I see a great life for you ahead and family gatherings with your kids and grandkids all over you!
Instead, he chose to keep you down, deprive his mom of needed assistance and to punish you financially at the same time.
Do what you have to do to give yourself a fair start. Leave him a note and tell him what you have done so he knows right away what he needs to cover. Tell him what you expect to have in a marriage and how he fallen way short. Make sure he understands there in no reason to talk if he can not admit that he has failed you and will do better in the future. No if, ands, or buts. This is where the rubber meets the road. I'm sure you can find a way to explain how much it would mean to you to have someone do as much for you and you have done for him. Squeeze it in, but make the bottom line very clear.
You are an awesome loving person. We all love you and want you to be treated fairly and with genuine love. You deserve nothing less.
Hugs, Cattails
Good for you for standing on your grounds! Your MIL is scary, very scary! I thought my mom was bad, she's much, much worse! You take care! And Be Careful, very Careful while in the same house with MIL.
Your MIL isn't really your responsibility.....she's your husband's and he is definitely passing the buck! Contact your MIL's doctor and ask for an in-home evaluation; check with an omonbudsmen (spelling?), There is help out there but you will have to do it and I know that thinking about doing even one more thing seems impossible to do but your own health and well being ae at stake and you deserve more than you are getting.
Can any of your children help you with information gathering? Could/would they help even from a distance ....i.e. not coming into your home? Now is the time to not keep things private but to reach out - you will be surprised as to how many people/services there are out there for someone in your situation.
Good luck and keep us posted!
I don't want to sound harsh because you are trying your best under horrible conditions. But there needs to be a responsible person and it looks like you are elected. Get MIL help, if hubby doesn't like it tough. Involve Social Services if you need to to get thru to him.
get legal aide to help you...you are being abused and you need to take him for half of what he is worth and get an alimony too.
When she digs through the garbage, leave it on the floor. I know it's nasty, but leave her pads and such alone. Yes, it is unsanitary, but he needs to come in at the end of the day and you greet him with, "Great! Now that you're here, I can get started cooking while you clean up after your mother. She's been such a handful today I couldn't get to it all!" (Smile but shake your head as if overwhelmed - because: YOU ARE!)
What is the WORST thing you can imagine happening in that scenario? That your husband is going to pack up and leave you because his mother made the house a disaster? And he's going to do what with her? Take her along? Maybe hire a caregiver? Maybe put her in a home? So my point is that until he experiences this problem personally - right with his own hands picking up sopping pads or scooping garbage out of the kitchen floor - he has no reason to seek change. You're making it all better for him and for her, but the cost is much to high for you.
Good luck & please find the courage and strength to take care of yourself before you're in endangering yourself.
Either way, all of us are thinking of you. Whether you decide to stay with husband (please ensure you put some ground rules, though). Remember, your job is just as important to you as his job is to him. ...Or you decide that although you still love your husband, it's not an Equal relationship and therefore, you must move on with your life. Whatever you decide....know that we do still care for you and are anxious for any news. Take care!!