Details: Mother-in-law is 90, walker bound with mobility/balance issues, a fall risk. Broke one hip in 2004, healed fine & back to normal. Broke the other hip/thigh bone in 2008, where she fell outside her Florida acreage, dragged herself from falling point to back porch steps, could not make it up steps, laid outside in Florida sun from 4pm Saturday to approx 5 pm on Monday afternoon after we could not reach her by phone, calling sheriff office to do a well check. She was covered in fire ant bites, gangrene on her tongue, broken thigh bone from fall, kidneys shutting down, in and out of consiousness, very confused, sunburned, within a couple hours of dying said the doctor. She did not heal back as well this time, one leg shorter than the other due to the surgery, so now has balance issues, walker bound, with damages to brain (grey matter issues). Doctors in Florida declared she could still live on her 2 acre home in Florida where they had a caregiver come in once a week to take her around, (she lost her driver's license over bad decisions - example: oh, my mirror isn't right, let's just stop on the highway and fix that, NOT pulling off the road either & having a couple car accidents, once totalling her car out, all her fault). She had frozen meals brought in once a week that she could prepare. Hired help to cut the yard & handle outside maintenance. The closest relatives are 1000 miles away, both her son and daughter live in Ohio where she retired from & moved to Florida to get away from frigid Ohio weather). She has had a wonderful, independent life after retiring from GM. Her husband passed away when my husband was only 12. She has been both mom & dad to her kids since that time. I mention this to explain INDEPENDENCE is her middle name & her lifestyle for many, many years. Age has caught up to her, where she was diagnosed with the beginnings of alzheimers, but she had other brain issues from being outside affecting her, too. Her mobility worsened. Her eating patterns consisted of cookies & ice cream, and not eating the dinners provided - stockpiling them in her large freezer until it was filled. NO LIE! Her daughter tried to convince her to move to Ohio, be with family, so we can get her eating better & to improve her muscle strength & increase mobility. She had NO part of that. The story got ugly in May 2011 where her daugher tried to force her into coming to Ohio, leaving her home - a physical fight broke out, where sheriff was called. I can't believe a daughter would put a mother down on a bed, trying to strangle her, but she has had anger issues and short on patience ever since I have known her. My mother-in-law was still covered in bruises when we were able to come down to truly evaluate the situation a month later. My husband was able to convince my mother-in-law to come home with us (Florida to Ohio) for a "summer visit" he says. Yes, a trick, but there was no other way. After getting her back home with us, she had to see a doctor right away, where she was very "unclean", urinary infection, staph infection, bruises looked over, eye issues (her tear ducts needed surgery), atrophy had set in (over not walking around like she should and poor eating habits losing muscle), her mental state had her crying a lot - she was a mess. We had her evaluated by 2 Geriatric Doctors, both agreeing she can no longer live alone. We had her seen by the hearing aid doctor, getting new hearing aids - she is practically deaf. Example: tv volume, I can listen at number 12 on volume control where she is at 59, blasting us out - gives me a headache. Great, we get the hearing aids, she won't wear them. Says they make it worse and plugs up her ears. At least she will wear headphones when watching tv so my speakers don't get blown/destroyed.
Ok, so now you should understand what I am living with. Very independent woman, age 90, mobility issues with one leg shorter than the other, poor balance, practically deaf, doesn't like to wear her glasses so poor eyesight without them on, uses a walker or I can push her in wheelchair, not much strength in her musles, gets confused easily, beginnings of alzheimer's, and NOW that she has been told that she can no longer live alone & we tricked her into coming here - she is one nasty lady! In 2 weeks, she has been in our home 1 year, with me getting a break around Christmas where John's sister was willing to keep her for 4 1/2 wks, but kicked her out when mom wouldn't give her $700 to fix a car. Hmmm. More on that story. So she was back with us. Then my husband's sister has had her a couple more times, which tells you I have been the primary caretaker this year 24/7. I am a real estate agent, and moved my office from the main real estate office to my home, to make it easier to take care of her. My mother-in-law "could" microwave meals when she first came, but no more. She can't tell the difference from 90 seconds to 9 minutes. Plus cant pour herself a cup of coffee- scalded herself.
I can think of 2 women I know who finally walked - the first cleaned the house, did the laundry and stocked the freezer. Then left a note saying the marriage was in trouble and what did he want to do about it? He and the kids frantically called his sister, my friend. She gently asked him if he was really so clueless? Well, they did work it out - they were very concerned for minor children, which is not your issue.
The second planned her escape very carefully - she had good reason to be afraid for her safety. She removed her personal property quietly over several months, squirreled away what money she could, worked with friends who wanted to help her and finally when he came back one Sunday after a weekend away, she just was not there and no one knew anything about it. He did get a letter a few days later, forwarded from her attorney, explaining that if anything were to happen to his wife, he, the attorney, was holding a package to be sent to the IRS. A year later, she has regained her health and is now happily on her own.
Whatever you decide to do, it should be your decision. You cannot control your MIL or your husband or his family - it is not wise to make your decision based on the idea that others will change. So far they haven't done so. But you do need to love yourself. And please do not discount the possibility of physical abuse - I presume you have no guns in the house; lock up knives, chemicals etc. Never underestimate a deranged person. Very best wishes and prayers - you CAN get out of this situation.
It will cost us $600 a week for 30 hours of assisted non-medical in-home care & they are trying to help me with another avenue of 1 week a month in assisted living/alzhemier's home that will be partially covered for a 24/7 stay @ 7 days. I am thankful for the physical therapy being covered 100% , she needs that. Then her money can cover the other IF we can get the attorney's help & court approval. I feel like a major hurdle is finally making way.
I turned his sister in to the Adult Protective Services, over the money draining & felt they should know about what happened in Florida (daughter assault/battery against MIL, which is still an open case). Also, letting them know about treating her wrongly in their home. It was the APS person telling me the "right" people/firm to contact to stop this (the attorney I set the appt with). They can not step in at this point, but did open a file for us.
My husband still denies his mom needs to be in a full time facility & doesn't believe that alzheimer's can cause an elderly person to lose their ability to swallow, needing feeding tubes. Also can lose the ability to urinate on their own, needing cathiters (spelling?). And this is part of the reason she is losing her ability to walk & have balance. Dizziness is setting in also, which is the other reason I need her to be seen by the Geriatric Doctor. BIG ALSO, I am taking her instead of my husband so he can hear the REAL story, not the one my husband tells.
IF this marriage fails, and if it does I accept it, but I don't ever plan on marrying again. I will work 2 jobs if necessary to be on my own. I used to think that I needed a man to feel good about myself, someone to go out with, protect me, security - but I have found other single women doing fantastic on their own. After 27 yrs in one marriage and almost 10 with this one - nope, my experience has been, they only break your heart. I love to travel, I have great children and grandchildren, I still have both of my parents living and luckily in pretty good health, my career is very rewarding, started back going to church - my future isn't too bleak if I leave. But I will miss what I had - the good years with him. But not giving up yet.
I have talked to his ex-wife, who felt it was important to "warn me" because I was too nice for him. She had told me he was selfish, if the girls wanted something, she had to work to pay for it. His overtime money was his to spend. She didn't like to cook & they went out to eat almost every night. That cost money, and he paid for all meals out, the house payment, car payments, utilities, insurances - all bills to run the household. He was not one to hand over money for clothes, school activities, band instruments, ice skating lessons, swim lessons - she had to pay for those. She also said, with 2 girls, what she made almost zero'd out because of the child care she paid for, so she didn't always work. Didn't make sense. He would not pay for child care. It was easier to work, once the girls were in school. She was a church goer and sunday school teacher. They did not party, get drunk, she felt a boring life - which was not for her. They did have excellent trips & vacations, but hated her mother-in-law because of her accusations, trying to break up their marriage from early on. She is 2 yrs younger than him, pretty, still thin - but she walks around with a chip on her shoulder full of woe is me. Blaming him for her sucky life now. But she has a college 4 yr degree from Ashland College that has never been used. She can't hold a job, has been let go from a few. She gets drunk now & loves going to bars. Never re-married but still living with the man she left her husband for. She is not a happy person, not at all. I see her often around town. Wears make-up, like painted on with strong red lipstick. Hair is naturally dark brown, but bleaching it blonde that looks awful. She is so pretty with her natural color hair, don't understand why she is doing a 360 degree from earlier married life. Quit church, goes to bar, living unmarried with a man, wears clothes that should be worn by someone much younger, some close to being slutty being skin tight & very very low cut, I don't understand.
My husband tells me pretty much the same story, how this straight laced woman is now a party girl. He said she would never dress like that, drank, or wanted to go to bars. They were a very christian family. So I don't know.
His daughters tell me that their mom would leave them alone and not come home until their dad was supposed to be home, when they were 8 & 10 and told not to tell dad. She had started running around on him when he went on 2nd shift. Then she found a man who wanted her - so she left. She's been partying with him ever since.
I've been told that women who "chase" aren't taken care of at home, something is lacking in the relationship. I just think she no longer wanted to be a mom or wife. She didn't even want both children. Giving the youngest to my husband to raise and she took the older one. Isn't that weird? Not to want a child?
I had to deal with that one, since the youngest lived with us. She wanted to be with her mom, but mom said NO!. Refused to take her. In her junior year of high school, her grandmother on her mom's side was needing someone to live with her as her health & diabetes was bad. We let her go, but stayed active in her life where her grandmother died within 2 yrs. It was good that we allowed her to be with her grandmother. If we hadn't, she would have resented us. She then moved in with her mom after the oldest daughter moved to Florida to work at Disney.
The oldest is living with us now, because dad pays for everything & is helping her go to college. I am all for it. I don't like student loans & as long as she continues to be an A or B student - we help. She graduates from college next May. We are very proud of her. Meanwhile, younger daughter got kicked out of mom's, came back to live with us for 6-7 months, found a boyfriend who we did not approve of, moved out to be with him, got pregnant & has a little girl now. I was hard on her while she was here, I admit that. Instead of looking for a job, she sat here playing world of warcraft, wanted to wear this dark gothic clothes, painted face, and I made her change once when she thought she was going out in a black short hooker skirt. I wanted her to go to college or technical school - not for her. Nope, no part of going back to any school. She really was addicted to this game & if we cut the internet off, she went hostile. It was not a good time, but I tried.
My husband has a great relationship with the oldest that lives with us, and a somewhat ok relationship with the youngest, because she doesn't do what she should. Extemely argumentative, won't listen, and feels the world is against her. But they are on their own, ok apartment, boyfriend works full time to support them, they will be ok.
Oh dear, here I go writing another book. No one is going to take the time to read this...Sorry.
I had $30,000 from prior divorce settlement, had my 401K, all gone now. I lost it due to poor real estate market last year and then dealing with taking care of his mom where I can't work or concentrate. Health issues hurt too. Can't function with migraine & nausea.
I'm anxious to see how all will be, once I get MIL taken care of. But IF he does not follow through, I can not stay here. I already gave up a year of my life, practically grounded to her. And for what? My crazy belief that someday I may find myself with alzheimer's but I won't burden my children as she does. Life lesson learned here.
Normally, I can keep her calm here, but over at ther daughter's it is hectic with children and grandchildren running around, the home is very small & it makes my MIL very nervous. When there, I am told that she takes the anxiety pill 3x a day, and when I call to talk to her, making sure she is ok, her speech is slurred like she is drunk. But daughter says MIL needs the drugs to cope.
The Geriatric doctor recommended not to give her the alprazolam since it has been known to make the elderly "off balance" and she has true balance issues, poor mobility. He did not want to go against another doctor, so he has asked if perhaps Namenda might be a better choice. Do you know anything about this?
She also had a staph infection when we brought her to Ohio in July 2011, that had to be treated. She also had tear duct repair over eyes not tearing. That was more doctor visits. Her old hearing aid quit working, so I took her to get new hearing aids, she is SO deaf - but even after 5 visits back to hearing aid doctor, so refuses to wear them - says they don't work, they plug her ears. They are excellent hearing aids, so I don't know why she won't just try to wear them. It would life here so much better.
Her skin is thin, bruises easily. I have to check her feet often, because they get dry & I have to put lotion on them (she can't reach).
She has a disease called Pagent's, where "if she falls, she breaks", and has had 2 broken hip surgeries from falls, 3 arm surgeries with plates & rods over falls, but since she has lived with us, NO BREAKS from falls - because I am there, or try to be. Making sure she has solid food & have her drinking ensure for extra nutrients. I am more than her caregiver, lol. I take this seriously, if there is something that can be done to make her feel better - I am going to do it. I read and try to share my findings with my husband, and he is tired of it. Most of the time he tells me it doesn't matter. What happens, happens. Her medical issues are not under our control - but it is. Unless I am not understanding this. I try very hard to give her balanced meals, watch her water intake, medicene - and every blood test comes back good. I make her walk, do minor exercises that she thinks is dumb sometimes, but she is not wheelchair bound. She needs more - but I am no nurse or doctor or therapist. Any other ideas that I can do for her?
Good for you. Keep us posted. I know we are all impressed and rooting for you.
Love and Hugs, Cattails
He never said he was sorry, (he never does). Told me I needed to understand real life - I'm no princess. I will NEVER forgot those words. The argument was over me buying a new winter coat with money my mother sent to me. I learned that I don't go shopping without telling him. That has since changed because that is childish. He feared I was going to be like his ex-wife and run up charge cards. (well, she did that because she wanted the girls to have things & he wouldn't give her money- said that was her job to provide that part, remember, he didn't want kids). That was cold but I really didn't think he meant it. Sometimes men will say things to sound tough and gruff, puffery, I never believed he didn't want children even after they were born. But he really did mean it. In fact, when child number 2 happened, he was laid off work - no insurance, exwife gets pregnant, instead of being nice, he told her to get an abortion, yelled over why didn't she take her birth control pills like she should? Ex-wife told me that one, I didn't believe her - just felt she was wanting me out of his life. Turns out, after a couple years earlier, he told me that was true. He didn't want the second child AT ALL. Was very angry over it. I am surprised she stayed strong and had the baby. But this is the child from hell. I haven't explained the youngest one. After she was born, this child had many childhood illness' like ear infections, croup, colds, always sick and cried a lot. I have been told that she threw horrendous fits, kicked like a mule, fought them, would roll her eyes back where only the whites would show, then her nose would squirt out blood because she was so mad. Her older sister was afraid of her. She did not do well in school, was ADHD with hearing loss and quick to physically fight. She tried more than once to harm her sister and was entered into counseling ever since 2nd grade, was still in counseling when I met her. Her mother did not want her although she adored the oldest one. I know this sounds like a movie or story telling soap opera, but this is the God's Honest Truth. This is why the oldest sister has NOTHING to do with her younger sister. When the youngest comes over, the older one leaves. The younger one is trying to be nice and find a relationship now with her older sister but older sister wants NO part of her. I felt, when I entered this family, that they just didn't understand the needs of the younger one. Yes, she was hard headed, but I made sure her homework was completed and I checked it before she was allowed priviledges. Her mother didn't care what she did. Never helped her do homework. Dad worked nights, didn't know this was going on. I got her grades up, worked with the teachers and her excuses did not fly with me. I checked out her friends, rarely allowed a sleep over because I could not trust her to be where she said she would be. Never had a daughter, I had 3 boys - it was hard, but I feel she would have been a high school drop out or a druggie had I not been involved. Even when she went to live with her grandma, she tried to get away with things - but I kept close tabs on her. My famous words were "busted". When husband and ex-spouse broke up, ex-spouse refused to take the younger one, I still can't believe a mother not wanting a child. We had a lot of damage repair over this, because she cried and cried, acted out missing her sister and mom. I think that is why my husband needed me so badly to move in right away. It was so clear after I did. His daughter needed direction. The only life I have known has been "caregiver". From little brother, to a grandparent, to babysitting, to my own children, grandchildren, friends - I am a giver. Many times, forget what I want - my time needs to be spent here. I do this with pets, too. I have nursed thrown away pets, got them back to being healthy, most I kept but a few I found good homes for. I don't know any other way - I "mother" everything, look for the good in everyone. Or try to fix, help, assist.
Being a carer is WONDERFUL. The world needs more people like you. Being a human doormat is far less admirable. I hope you can keep the difference firmly in mind!
I am soooo glad you are making progress in getting some help with mil. You go, girl!
(Many people are totally ignorant of what dementia or brain damage entails. Every single bodily function is controlled in the brain, and when the brain malfunctions it is amazing how that can show up. I don't blame your husband for not knowing that -- who does, when we first encounter it up close and personal? But I do blame your husband if he isn't willing to educate himself and if he insists that his screwy ideas are right.)
By the way -- switch in topics here -- I too learned CPR once. My husband's wishes are quite clear and in writing and notarized. Should he have a heart attack he does NOT want to be resuccitated. He feels cheated that his brothers all died of cardiac problems and he is saddled with dementia. I would never go against his wishes and perform CPR on him, or let others do so. Not that either of us is against the procedure in the right circumstances. Nearly twenty years ago neighbors did CPR after he fell off a ladder. We were/are grateful. That was then. This is now. Whole different ballgame. Does MIL have a healthcare directive? Would she want you to perform CPR? Could you respect her wishes if the time comes? Just some things to think about ... in your spare time. :-)
This site has encouraged me and pointed me to the right directions on seeking help. This is exciting and gives me hope where I was in total despair when I first wrote.
I mean, why would my family doctor ask me if I had suicidal thoughts? He must be sensing my desparation and feeling like the hamster that continues to run and run, never getting anywhere on that wheel. But no way am I that far down and depressed to take my own life. No, no, no. But cry my eyes out, yes. Want to bury my head in the pillow and sleep some days? yes. Walk out the door? yes. Run away? yes.
But that doesn't solve any issues.
I feel good that I accomplished so much - and I am not stopping now. And I have to give credit to everyone that has posted here. Giving me courage to just do it no matter what my husband feels and says, it's the right thing to do.
Thanks everyone!! Have a good night....
If the loved one likes to feel in charge and making choices contributes to that, then make the choices simple. Don't say, "what do you want to wear today?" but say, "Would you like to wear your nice red sweater or the cute blue one?"
Do NOT give a choice unless you are prepared to accept their answer. If you say "Do you want to take a bath?" then be prepared to respect the answer "No." Don't pretend to give them a choice and then not respect the choice they make.
Too many choices are overwhelming. "Would you rather watch television, or take a nap, or should we go for a walk?" is waaaay too much to process. "Should I help you find something on tv?" is enough to have to decide at once. And some days it is too much. "I'm going to turn the baseball game on now," might be quite enough. And then watch whether that seems to be pleasig them.
Are you afraid of coming across as too bossy? That is kind of you, but, really, reducing the amount of mental processing your MIL has to do just to get through the day is a kindness. "Breakfast is ready now" is not bossy. It is helpful. You'll say it cheerfully and matter-of-factly and it wouldn't seem bossy at all.
If you want to help her exercise her mind, work a simple crossword or jigsaw puzzle with her. Don't make her jump through mental hoops just to get dressed or groomed or fed! Doing a little puzzle can be fun. Figuring out what to wear and when to eat and whether to take a walk can just be burdensome.
But, try it for yourself and see how it works for you!
OMG - yes, my husband and I are 100% total opposites when it comes to personality traits. But we have so many common interests - my life has been fun, for most of the time. He is loud - I am quiet. He speaks without thinking - I have to think before I talk, wanting to say the right words instead of blurting out. He uses his hands when he talks with gestures - I usually quietly stand, with one hand on table the other holding something. Now that brings up something that is a strange habit of mine. I am almost always holding something! A book, a towel, a piece of paper, my cell phone, hardly ever am I walking around with NOTHING in my hand or under my arm. Why on earth am I thinking about that now? It's late and I am tired. Maybe that's why.
Ok, I continue. He has blonde hair, mine is dark brown. He is short. I am tall. He has blue eyes. Mine are green. He makes fast quick decisions usually saying no first. I have to think before making a decision, usually saying let me see or let me think about that first. He can lash out and call names, pure anger. Then forget it ever happened just as fast as it started. I can't forget, it lingers on for days. Not that I am holding a grudge, but hanging on to guilt wondering what did I do wrong to bring this on . That's another thing, why do I feel it's always my fault? Ok, getting way off subject - I try to stay so positive in my negative world. He is NOT a positive person, like myself. He is negative to me. Always. Like, why on earth are you doing that? We are both educated with college & degrees. In fact, I can brag here, I carry a 4.0 for my paralegal degree - well, almost finished it. Two required classes to go. I was working full time and going to school evenings, plus raising a family. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to try another field of work. It sounded like it paid well. I've been wanting to go back and finish.
Ok, stopping now. Good night everyone - let's see what tomorrow throws my way - and it better be roses, not thorns!!
I don't know if MIL is alert enough to make an informed decision but would you want to have someone do CPR on you if there was a good chance of broken bones or being on life support? Think it through, talk to the doctor if you need more info. You will probably want to decide what you want for yourself too. You want to make the decision before you lose the ability to decide.
Lisa, I had always wanted to do volunteer work since I was a teenager. For Years, it was one of my "to do" list in life. Howver, after experiencing it first hand every day for Years, that is one item I threw out. People say it's different when you caregive to non-family member. I think my problem is I no longer have patience. But, I think it's great that you want to volunteer. Go for it! I think you will learn A LOT of first hand experience that will definitely come in handy when MIL is at that stage. You won't be learning piecemeal nuggets of great ideas like we did.
Believe and Have Faith
Written by moonstone722 (marcee) on 6/26/2012 2:58 PM
Whenever I tell my husband I don’t believe I can do something, he tells me I don’t have to believe it. Just believe in him because he believes in me. He tells me to believe in the one who believes in me.
Over this past week there have been so many people who are discouraged with their participation in their program. Some want to quit and others are determined work the program. Some years ago I read this article and wanted to share it with you.
5 Reasons to Believe in Yourself (Article by Carolyn Jelango)
Sometimes people will ignite your passion for achievement by believing, championing and supporting you. But then a time comes in the journey of life, when you have to rise to the occasion and face the challenges of life on your own.
It is therefore important to believe in yourself and in your capacity to
perform to the best of your ability. When faced with any situation, always
believe in yourself because:
1. No one else will.
If you don’t believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to
believe you? How can you convince anyone if you can’t convince yourself? Your self-confidence and esteem stem from a strong belief in who you are and what you stand for. It is important to remember that you are your number one
supporter and fan.
2. You owe it to yourself.
Do yourself a favor. The best thing that you can do for yourself and have no regrets about is to pamper yourself by believing in yourself. It's a great feeling to have affirmative thoughts about yourself. Believing in yourself is a ‘yes’ thought which goes a long way to accelerate positive progress in your life. You are your own best friend; expect good things for yourself.
3. Life is what you make it.
Believing that you can make it happen for yourself is an important step
towards making a life that you like. You must believe that you can do it and
that you will succeed.
Napoleon Hill rightly said that it takes a person half their lives to discover that life is a do it yourself project. A lot of the decisions you make and things you do depend upon you; so arm yourself with self-belief, make the right choices and make it happen.
4. You have dreams and aspirations.
Do you have dreams and aspirations? What will happen to them if you don’t believe in yourself and in your capacity to fulfill them?
If you have a passion to fulfill your dreams and aspirations, don’t allow them go to waste just because you don’t believe in yourself. Within each person there lies an intrinsic ability to turn situations around if only they believe.
5. Others are watching and waiting to applaud you.
It’s amazing how you gain respect in the eyes of others when you achieve
something that you truly desire. You become an inspiration to others who may have been looking up to you, as you believed in yourself and in your ability to make things happen.
So, for those of us who don’t believe they can do this, who don’t believe they can reclaim their lives, or whose belief is shaky right now, I believe in you. I believe in myself, and (in case it did not register), I believe in YOU!
My life was pure hell with THAT shift! I might as well be a single parent to his mom. Example: his shift is from 2:30 to 10:30 BUT that shift gets the most overtime, so he worked any and all hours, usually 12 hr shifts, so he got off at 2:30 am, getting home around 3-3:30am. Not always would he go to bed, sometimes staying up another hour on the computer. Didn't care that he woke me up everytime he came into the bedroom, light sleeper here and it takes me a long time to go back to sleep. He, on the other hand, has no problem in sleeping in until 11am. Then showers, eats breakfast, checks emails, then leaves for work around 1:30 or 1:45pm. That gave absolutely NO TIME to help with his mom PLUS I had no one to watch her in the afternoon so I could show homes.
Which cost me major dollars lost in income.
I also could not do anything at all in the evening, except sit here. When I wanted to have a night out to go to the movies with a couple friends from work, he didn't like it, even when I had his daughter here to cover babysitting detail.
I think he is doing this because I have him doing more care help with his mom.
He really doesn't care about my feelings if he does this. Why be married?
Why do I even try to fix this relationship?
You have taken his uncontrollable child and brought her up to a new level. If she continued to live with you, it wouldn't be fun, but you would not be the one to give up. Same with his mom.
Your little prince needs a big attitude adjustment. That he would chose to go to 2nd shift because he doesn't like the group meetings is pathetic. Think about what you do everyday.
He is his own worst enemy. He pushed you out the door one cold winter night because you, the little princess, went shopping for a winter coat. And when you walked down the driveway and away from the home, he got in the car and came after you.
This 2nd shit crap should be a deal breaker. Give him all the information you have gathered for help with his mom and wish him well. Call his bluff and lay out your demands. You take the lead and tell him what it is going to take for you to stay. If he doesn't care then that's your answer. My guess is he will be driving up the road chasing you to where ever you have gone and trying to get you back.
Make a decision. Step some ground rules. Either he follows them or you leave. I hope you can say this with some certainty that you are right, because you are.
My heart goes out to you. Your hubby needs to get his head out of his ass and he may not do that until he is forced to see reality.
Love and many hugs to you. We are all on your side and greatly respect you.
Cattails.